Monday, July 09, 2018

Isolated V Typical

When it comes to assessing motivation for behaviour you reflect on examples. I nutted these through with my psych and she said the issue is for what you see as stand out examples of typical actions the other sees them as isolated, unconnected events that do not typify them.

Like the adage a lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client if you're the one being assessed then you're going to be blinkered. You will see your acts as isolated, not typical, and resist anyone suggesting otherwise. If you're an all-time arsehole with glimpses of nice you'll see the glimpses as you and not the arsehole you are all the time.

I was lucky; I got woke early to the damage I could do with things that I said. I was an arsehole because I thought insult comedy was funny and it deflected from the fact I looked like a hairy Humpty Dumpty. I was mean to people and there are those out there who knew me for that time for who I stand out as a monster because each time I was with them I did shtick at their expense. 

But I learned. I learned that my acts made others sad and I curbed it. I accepted I'd been an arsehole and just because my life wasn't great in no way gave me the right to cruel others out. 

My typical became isolated; but not for some. There are people that loathe that version of me and they are fair to have that opinion because my behaviour gave them nothing else to go on.

I'm still not fully there but I am constantly aware and try my best to make the arsehole in me isolated and not typical.

Not everyone gets to have that journey and they go to their grave an arsehole through and through but convinced the world sees them otherwise though they gave them no reason to think that.

I guess being a not-man helped; to be a short, fat nonathletic male is to be effectively not male. You don't get treated as manly because you cannot possibly be.

Plus I have trouble opening jars.

I was a typical arsehole and now I've isolated it to moments that I instantly regret. That's deep progress but at deep cost; to me and those I damaged. I hope I'm not a tale of someone's horror but I accept there is a good chance that I am.

All I can do is what I do now; try never to do it and if I do to apologise profusely.

Arseholes; we all have one but we don't have to be one.

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