Thursday, June 14, 2018

Paperwork yips

If you've ever had a workplace injury there is a lot of paperwork. It's stressful paperwork and for me so much so I had to make thewife my appointed representative. 

I was filling out positive paperwork; there were no scary things there. But because I filled out forms I had the yips because it reminded me of the horrifying paperwork mountain faced before and what caused it.

It is not logical; I should not have been anxious. But I was and had the dreads because I felt useless, sad and angry even though I had no reason to be; it's just the shadow of that mountain is so overwhelming even a form letter to get lotto winnings would give me those heebies.

The last time I went through a pre-positive paperwork experience I had an acute anxiety attack and cried in the car on the way home from the coast because the fear of that awaiting paperwork had revived the memories of horror paperwork.

But once I got started calm overtook the fear and it came a matter of finding all those various details you need when you start something new. It's now done as best as I can do it and I need assist from others now. 

So I cleared it. I cleared the PP and now I am not as scared. I have lingering anxiety instead of being basted in it.

Half the journey begins with the first step; when you've got PTSD, OCPD, depression and anxiety that is a fucking scary first step.

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