Thursday, June 07, 2018

Four hour nightmare

I didn't get to sleep before five and when I did it was all mare of night. Because I cannot have good dreams; they were stolen from me.

It's fucked, that's all there is to it. I couldn't sleep because of rage at a life I did not get and the one I got in its place. Every aspect of my life has been affected by my odd appearance with reduced capability and weird personality---the first I didn't choose, the latter afflicted by the former. Perhaps I am not a man because I never was. Oh, I have a penis, but I don't have a body or mind that is "man normal".

So to expect me to be a normal man, hell, boy, was utter fallacy; but I got bullied and rejected for it by kith, kin and strangers.

I spent my life being sneered at as worthless and I took that abnegation on board; why wouldn't I think of myself as a piece of shit when it seemed the whole world did?

Somehow I got through that still living and did things no one else could. And being forced to be a person first enabled that to happen. 

The cost was my sanity but a cost worth paying---and I'd still accept it given the choice; what I did with my shitty bod was too important not to.

But the deep sad and broken part of me does not feel that way and in my dreams he rules the sleep.

I get nightmares that are fully expected and reasonable for what I went through. Anyone who got a sketch of my life would get it. 

But it's a wounded animal, dream brain, and his ability to howl sads to me when I sleep colours how I feel and act when awake.

I couldn't get to sleep because I was mad. I was mad from having a 13 hour nightmare that sat on me before. Maybe it was the same fucking nightmare and all that happened was a break of me being awake until I returned to it?

I tried to be well before sleep, to think of bounties I've had, of help I have given, but rage at past fuckery dominated then fuelled what came next.

I will likely sleep during the day as I still crave sleep. I hope for once it's dream free because do good dreams actually ever exist? I don't know; I can't ever think of one I had.

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