Saturday, May 19, 2018

Screed read

I was reading about the alt-right, a bubble of white who think they are a race by dint of the presence of all colours, and decided to plough through Elliot Rodger's "manifesto". ER was a 22-year-old who shot some people and ran them down with a car in 2014 because of his feelings about the world and what it owed to him.

It was a dense read and took a few hours but there were some take-aways from it.

First sorry to his victims and all the hurt for my reading his tome. I hate that his success at terrorism means it exists and that I read it.

Second, there were surprisingly few typos. 

Third, if I didn't know it was real I'd have sworn it was parody; Poe's law in action.

He was a deeply sad person but deeply, profoundly narcissistic. His entire worldview centred on self and that the rest of the world existed for his presence. And when his greatness didn't fire, which including attempts at bending the universe to his will by winning the lottery through psychic concentration, then he started down the path to "the Day". In his final section he laid out his intent on who to kill which included his younger half brother because he had likely touched a girl where ER last had friendly female contact in about year seven where he got to hold a girl as they danced. Then cue the megasads because girls did not like him even though he dyed his hair, learned to skateboard and had fine clothing.

He had a complex about his height and it was a fair complaint since short people get the shaft---in a masculine-focussed worldview your physical stature matters. But apart from that his body worked, he was not unattractive, it's just that he had a crippling mental disorder combined with a toxic body-centric fixation and an incapacity to relate to women as people. His sense of grandiosity was in no way belighed by skill or talent---a fact he noted more than once. How could he, meant for great things, not have sexy time with gurls?

The biggest stand out---apart from a severe strain of racism---was the expectation he put on his mother that she had failed him by not getting the wealthy men she dated to marry her. More than once he notes he told her that she needed to marry a rich man to improve his ability to get willing acceptance of ladies to have at his virgin junk.

And yes I empathised with him, which is what a terrorist wants, because his failure to have girls like him was my journey too--only he didn't have the added difficulty of a shit body. 

He was messianic, fucked-up person whose self-sads grew so toxic that he wanted a Columbine-style ending. And he failed; he set a big target number of victims and was convinced his now bound-for-glory ending would result in wiping out a frat house of the hottest of girls who didn't know he existed but was defeated in his quest by their not answering their door for the few minutes he knocked before giving up and shooting randos outside instead and then running down a bunch of other people who had done nothing to him.

It should also be noted he gave serious thought to obtaining dictator status and having a big tower he could sit in while watching mass torture with the height of his structure affording a greater field of view of the proceedings.

He doesn't call himself a "supreme gentlemen" in his screed, he called himself that in the accompanying YouTube video he uploaded just before his special day kicked off.

His delusion that his admitted behviour in said screed afforded him the right to say that again underlines the crippling narcissism that destroyed his life, the lives of his family and the lives of the families who lost people and the people he wounded but did not kill.

At no point did he consider what if he had been born a woman and had to navigate a world where he existed as a her; he thought of them as aliens whose motivations were always shallow.

It wasn't a waste of time to read; I got a better hook on his mindset and how it translated to committing an act of terror. But that there are sad men out there who hate that girls don't like them that look to him as an exemplar is fucked up. Women don't exist for our benefit and if we were them then we would want full autonomy of being as well.

You don't choose your body, your brain, your parents, your gender identity or your sexual orientation. But to expect that people you want to fuck owe it to you is delusion. To hate them for not giving it to you is self-defeating. I had a body that was not great and I loathed that girls did not find me appealing. Hell, I was mad at the universe from 10 onward because the normal world did not like me and I presumed most people found my being not wanted.

But I never presumed I was owed anything; that my sheer presence on the planet was the reason for its being.

Elliot Rodger did. And if you read his screed and think he was right then, mate, you're not. Because all you have to do is this; ask yourself "What if I were a woman?"

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