Friday, May 18, 2018

Post psych shakes

It's common to have an uptick in symptoms the day after a psych chat, especially when you have to talk horrors like the recent deep delve and a side convo about childhood molestation ... at the hands of a psychologist.

I had to do a DASS again, the 42 one, and it was mostly a result of "1" where you sometimes experience the symptom. There was one "3" which is always which is hand tremour. It's always there, even on good days. I'm not flailing about as though the hands were shot up with novocaine but there's a fine tremble or quiver. Even with total concentration I cannot stop them from doing it. It's worse today, because of the psych visit, and I suspect my startle reflex is up and if something startles me I may have a full on illogical anxiety attack. One where my lizard brain is shrieking at me to run even though all that has happened may have been a one off sudden noise like a wooden door closing with wind assist.

I know I am safe. I know I am well. But I have the dreads and my tremble is trembling.

That's what it is to live with a workplace mental injury; it's with you for fucking ever after.

The childhood molestation part didn't help either. Typical, the first time anyone wants to touch my junk and it was a middle-aged short fat man with a beard.

Thanks, Universe, and well played.

UPDATE: I stupidly agreed to play Carcassonne with someone with the flu. Their coughing and sniffling kept firing my lizard brain and in the end we had to quit. He tried his best to dampen the noise but he was sick and could not. And because I was fresh off the raw brutality of the psych session I was over reacting. Well, not "I", as in conscious me; it was the lizard brain. 

I suspected it would happen—my startle reflex would fire up—and boy howdy did it fire the fuck up.  And all it took was being next to someone with the fucking flu. 

Hooray for a workplace mental injury—it's the gift that keeps on giving. 

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