Friday, February 23, 2018

Mind melting fail acknowledged; cue happy panic attack

I got contact to say my revisions landed and not to worry, checks would be made.

I then had a full blown happy panic attack. I think it's actually just a panic attack—I'm in it right now—but the relief that my failure has been noted and will be corrected swamped and frightened me. 

That's bizarre. But my brain is so injured that even good news that a fail I made will get fixed causes a severe anxiety attack. 

I blame the Lovecraftian nature of the work; people are not meant to meddle with the Elder Ones and the more I learn the more insane I become. 

Hence a panic attack to someone who succeeds at a repair because they're still so mortified about the need for the repair in the first place.

One day my brain will not do this; it will not suffer an acute reaction

I will now apply a mindfullness exercise to de-clench and to not feel like a fat rolling ball of failure.

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