Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Crisis in downtown safe place

My safe place is the shower. It's what I think of when stressed and when stressed it's something I like to do.

I spent the morning backsliding on OCPD picking of my face. I did it knowingly and with malice to my own self. It felt good to do it and I was sane enough to know I should not be.

I felt I could tear the scar tissue from my face again and tried to do that. It was only on her return home that I stopped when my wife asked me how my day was.

I shakily told her, went into the house to put on cream then went and had a shower. In my safe space I suffered acute anxiety wondering if I'd have to be institutionalised to stop it. I cried, deep in shame that my only job at the moment is to get through each day without hurting myself and I failed at that basic task.

thewife talked me down to normal level, reasoning we all backslide on these things, and we'll try putting cream on in the morning when I am asleep so it's moist on waking. That's when I started—on waking. I even did it riding the exercise bike. I did it as my son cleaned the house as a nice thing for mum and gave me updates and I panicked he could see what I was doing to myself and be horrified. I was horrified. I was stuck deep in it, perfectly sane, obtaining brain chemical joy from razoring scar tissue from my fucking face.  

It was in the shower I felt the most fucked up. Because I had failed on that basic one thing to do; not hurt myself. But I got talked back to rationality and we have a plan to stop it being at its most appealing upon waking since she goes to work while I am at home in a null state of work-not-work.

I hate this habit; that my wounded brain finds relief in hurting its shell. It's fucked up, I'm on meds for it and in therapy for it. 

But today I had at it and it was fucking glorious. 

That is deeply messed up.

Turns out a brain injury makes OCPD worse. Who'd have thought that?

UPDATE: I forgot to have my morning pills—the pills that counter OCPD, for fuck's sake. I had another go at the scar before I put cream on and another bandaid and then discovered I'd not taken the morning Mikey helpers. 

I hate having a body I want to hurt. It's been damaged enough already; it doesn't need me having a go at it as well.  

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