Friday, February 02, 2018

Blown-out headband serves as bald mop

Canberra, Australia: Area local balding man Mikey revealed today that he's been using a blown-out headband to mop up the sweat that leaks from his naked skull skin when he rides his exercise bike.

"I feel vulnerable when atop the bike, being bare-chested and in ladies PJ pants—that's not weird, it's so my cock doesn't flop out—and I look like the aftermath of an accident where a scientist attempted matter teleportation but dropped a potato in when he hit the go button.

"It's not pleasant for anyone to see," added Mikey, who admitted to being in his mid-forties. 

"Unfortunately as I've aged my hair's receded, hence the bald sweating," said Mikey, "only there's too much sweat for a normal headband that is worn as protection against sweat going in my eyes.

"The only way to thwart this is to daub or soak away the head fluid spouting from my self-top from exercise which, as noted, no one needs to see and is not enjoyed by the solo-participant, save sometimes and even then it's just like for a bit.

"The only thing I have to hand is a blown-out headband."

The headband, which had the same branding as "Wilson" from the Tom Hanks movie Cast Away, has blown out right across the name which means the headband now reads "Wil ... son"

"I have no idea how it got that stretched. I don't recall any skull-based swelling moments that would have caused that to happen. Maybe it's just one of those things, you know?" said Mikey.

When asked how he uses it Mikey said sadly that he grips the doubled-up blown-out headband and basically just drags it back and forth across the top of his head in the hope some of the chrome-induced fluidity is absorbed so the normal headband can handle the rest and so it doesn't go into his eyes.

"My body has betrayed me at every turn," hissed Mikey, "and now this balding business has it in for me as well. 

"I know it's all down hill from here but how many other fuckers my age end up abusing Tom Hank's best friend's cousin by having it daub salty head-based liquid discharge lest their eyes are stung as fuck?"

When asked for comment a spokesperson for the multi-Oscar winning actor Hanks cried "Wil ... son!" then hung up.

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