Monday, January 08, 2018

Upset at being upset

My son wanted to show me something cool on Netflix. I got up to go see but I pissed and moaned about having to move. He watched me with wary hope as I watched the bit. It was funny—and I'm glad he showed it to me—but I was off-putting when he asked me to get up and had my annoyed face on. 

After I left I reflected that I had once again not acted correctly; that because I felt shit and pain-ridden and didn't want to move that I took it out on someone who just wanted me to see something he thought I'd like.

I said sorry, and that he can always come and pitch things I'd like. Then I crept away in shame because I'd been a passive-aggressive prick solely 'cause he wanted to see me smile.

Then I got upset and angry. A child should be able to come to his dad any time of the day or fucking night without fearing hostility. That's fucking bullshit behaviour. 

My injury is mostly-fucked. Sure I achieved self worth but at bitter cost. Not least of which is the damage to my immediate family; that they have to factor my crap in when dealing with me.

That's fucking bullshit they have to do that. Just fucking bullshit.

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