Wednesday, January 03, 2018

Deflated

I received a thanks for my sorry but it left me deflated. It didn't give me what I wanted; that clear proof positive. It was messy, nuanced. You could see how a decision got made even if it was wrong. 

I went for a ride and for a short moment I left my body; I clung to the idea of what that sorry would do and the reality is it does nothing. 

I sat, foot bakes on, knee crackling, as I texted thewife to let her know I'd gone wobbly and was coming back. I closed off the loop with peeps and now I have to adjust to reality re-framed. 

I predict another 72 hours of the wobbles. That momentary out of body feeling is worm sign for shakiness ahead where logic and feeling will clash, crash and bash against each other in the crackling storm. 

(takes pills; prepares for wobbles)

UPDATE: Have just realised I've had the first angry cry of the year, and two days after braggin' about not having one. Ha! Hubris, now Mikey, hubris...

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