Monday, December 18, 2017

Joker sends acid vat Christmas card

Gotham City, DC comics United States: Insane clown-themed criminal "The Joker" sent the vat of acid that caused his hideous transformation a Christmas card, Arkham Insane Asylum sources report.

The Joker's card expressed fond seasonal wishes to the vat and wished that it and its family all the best for the coming holiday season.

"It's not unusual for our prisoners to send cards to inanimate objects. 'The Riddler' sends a card to a cracker company—to be read to the first-off-the-assembly-line cracker only—and 'The Penguin' sends fan mail to an igloo in Greenland.

"Given 'The Joker's' transformation from a normal human being into a hideous panoply of the twin tensions of acting of drama and comedy played across the same grotesque features as well as a deeply psychotic personality you'd think 'The Joker' would be upset at the acid vat; not thanking it in the festive season," said the employee who spoke under condition of anonymity so his family would not be gruesomely murdered the next time there is a break out from the facility.  

"But 'The Joker' says without the acid vat then he'd have been a middling nobody; a nothing. And as Oscar Wilde said the only thing worse than being talked about is falling face first into a vat of acid and having your physical and psychological features twisted beyond recognition," said the source. 

"Unless, that is, you're 'The Joker'."

The Joker's acid vat fall was ultimately caused by The Batman, the caped crusader having pursued the pre-malformed Joker along a gantry that was atop giant open-faced vats of psychotic-criminal-causing acid. 

"I'd actually be a tad cranky at the company for not having sealed vats," said the source. 

"I mean it would have cost three fifths of fuck all to do the right job and prevent harm to people by doing basic things like getting up and not sitting on your arse in the one position to allow that accident that was ready to happen at a moment's notice to anyone, let alone a small time criminal running away from a menacing fusion of bat and man who then fell over that clearly not high enough railing.

"It could have been Ted from accounting up there doing an audit and next thing you know 'SPLOOSH' we have an insane accountant on our hands who afflicts the world through accounting themed weaponry like exploding ledgers and hypnotic double-entry bookkeeping.

"If it was Eric, whose passion is dressing up in a furry costume at night to have anonymous group sex with like-minded strangers, then perhaps he'd come out as impotent with a desire to make all of us furry on the outside like him—the acid caused the costume to melt onto his skin forever clothing him in his fur-based outfit—by tampering with the water supply such as doing a shit in it.

"They're insane; I didn't say they were all rendered more criminally capable. I mean if it was Eric we're talking about a dude with an acid melted costume, severe burns, laughing that he's turning everyone furry by squatting over a stream that is part of the Gotham City water catchment basin. 

"Obviously water purification would deal with that, even if he produced some weird chemical that came out his arse to make us all furry because of the sheer level of water compared to that one insane poo would dilute it to insignificance."

The acid vat was surprised to receive the card, according to factory sources, who had been unaware until now the vat had sentience as a result of its encounter with The Joker and indicated through a once bubble for yes and twice bubble for no that it was proud it had received the recognition it deserved for its acid-birthed monstrosity.

"It then bubbled several times which we took as a sign for us to feed one of the lowly ones to our new vat master overlord," concluded one of the sources, adding they chose Stewart, the janitor, who gained spider-like powers to cling to surfaces and an acid spray that efficiently cleaned, but did not affect, most non-organic surfaces.

"Unfortunately if you're organic, like people or wooden doors people hide behind, you get dissolved and if you're in a lot of pain from your vat-deformed body you tend to be upset and take it out on people or the doors 'protecting' them," added the source who said he was hiding in a metal locker in the break room until Stewart scuttled off the premises satisfied it revenged itself on those that failed it by not having a lid on an acid vat or throwing him to the now sentient vat to appease it once it gained cognition.

"People talk about that brain in the vat," whispered the source, scared Stewart could still be nearby, referring to the old age philosophical conundrum of is our existence truly what we are experiencing, "they never say what to do if it's the vat that gets a brain as well." 

No comments:

Post a Comment

No comments needed, really.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.