Saturday, December 30, 2017

Children screaming

The sound of children screaming is a fight flight trigger for me. Today, thanks to a paddle pool play date, there was a lot of it.

I sat with the door open in my spot in the lounge room, left corner of the couch next to the lamp and table, and took it all in as I absorbed myself in whatever it was I was using on the tablet. It was exposure therapy; putting myself near evil noise to better get used to it.

But it went dark, too dark for me, and I ended up in the end room with my fingers in my ears after an epic cook off cooked off and theboy had to get my ear protection then slide them into place as I removed my fingers. I headed for the shed, fortified against distant screams with YouTube clips by The White Stripes and wrote to distract myself until was safe to come out.

At no point did I panic. I did move myself when the cook off happened outside but then it went into the house to where I'd removed myself. But I was calm with my fingers in my ears and calm when I asked theboy to get my ear protection then to put it on.

It was a smooth daddy extraction from a tricky noise issue but the great thing was not having the fear of panicking. It's dumb to have it; to be frightened of being frightened but that's the risk when a trigger threatens to pull. But I didn't have it; I simply deftly removed myself.

I went for a ride later and thought about the biggest kick to the mental nads I've taken of late. I've only had three or four anxiety events since it happened and I responded the best way I could, with positivity, to thank those who had given me their time.

I feel small, fragile, like in a rowboat without oars on a storm-loomed ocean. 

But I can see the light and it's not far. I just have to paddle with a makeshift oar.

(rips up second seat to use as paddle and starts paddling). 


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