Thursday, December 28, 2017

Anger shock

The first 72 hours after a groin kicking knock are the hardest. You're in a heightened state of unreality because the universe does not make sense.

It's an intense sublimated bafflement that grips you body and mind.

It happened on my ride and I got home in an eerie state of calm on the edge of yawning unreason.

I fell back on CBT to talk my way through it by narrating what I was doing in a calm way in order to be calm. It is weird to describe what you are doing as you move through a house and do things but the only other option is to crack it and have a full beyond reason fit of wounded loss.

I've had two Valium and a shower and narrated myself to the shed and bedroom without collapsing. That raw agony that built is safely leeching, not cooked off in a fear maddened yell state with tunnel vision, hysterics and hugging or holding on to something because grief ate my legs.

It may come again; it probably will. 

But this time I got through it without tripping into the abyss of overwhelming loss and failure.


UPDATE: On taking my night pills I found I had not taken the morning ones; the ones that keep the sads demons at bay.

If you're going to suffer an acute psychological shock then the onus is on you to take the daily morning medication that helps you through such moments when they occur and help prevent their occurring in the first place. 

I feel bad for afternoon me. I took them with the night ones; the wigs had kicked in and I did not like it. I thought the dizziness was low blood pressure and tested it to find it was fine. Then it turned out I just hadn't taken the pills I need to keep the howl of wounding from claiming my soul.

Good one. 

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