Saturday, February 11, 2017

Got angry and yelled

I yelled at my son after he splashed me in the face with water. Fight flight triggered for a moment and I yell-asked if he wanted me crying on the floor of the shed because that's what can happen when fight flight triggers. I kept yelling if that was what he wanted.

He cried and I hated that I made him cry. He got over it but I didn't---I loathed that I had lost my cool and monstrously guilted him. I'm better than that; I don't yell at my son or make him feel like shit yet I did both those things because of my injury.

I also dropped a bunch of things from tremour-addled hands.

I still feel like shit hours later with memories of evil adults yelling at me; from as a child and as a man. I loathe that I inflicted that pain and that he now has a memory of me yelling at him.

That's what it is to live with a psychological injury; you get pushed over an emotional line you swore you would not cross because fight flight has kicked in.

He forgave me again when I told him once more how sorry I was.

I grew up in an angry yelling household of overbearing parents who reveled in inducing guilt or vocalising disappointment and that shit dies with me. It's fucked my injury makes that ideal harder to accomplish.

But I will keep trying because keeping on trying is what I do. And I refuse to knowingly inflict the same pain that I copped all my life.


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