Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Sent off to buck up

My old gallbladder removal scar and tissue beneath is swollen, distended. It hurts depending where I sit. I believe it's surgical adhesion, my organs are "stuck" with scar tissue to muscle and fat above instead of slipping around nicely beneath. 

It's an unpleasant sensation. As I ride the exercise bike the sag of my girth pulls down on the scar tissue within and it feels like someone has grabbed my guts and yanked them towards the floor; surgery meets weight meets gravity. 

Earlier I had looked in the mirror to check my stomach and saw how fat I am and got sad. It looked repellent. I have achieved almost total body acceptance but even self-worth that high can't beat a mirror. Later, a while after the solo viewing, as theboy and I were doing stories he noticed I wasn't focused due to this misery. Then we got to the end. 

"Now go and have a lie down or a cycle," he said. 

He'd noticed me spacing out during the shared story then commanded me to go and fix myself with CBT such as with dark time (lying in the dark and reading the tablet with white noise playing) or cycling (swamping anxiety from brooding with physicality of exercise).

He's less than 10. I love that he can do this but I hate that he has to. Hooray for an empathetic child. Boo for having a dad that needs a lot of fucking empathy.

No comments:

Post a Comment

No comments needed, really.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.