Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Lost it ... but then got it back

I didn't blow my horn but I did lose my cool. I had a in-the-car rant, a wobbly moment as promised by my psych, and then I got confused and angered by road works while trying to get a park. It took 30 minutes to find a spot. I ended up finding a park, presuming it a staff-only spot, but too broken to give a shit and left.

Panicked, heaving, total composure lost. Rage and fright consumed me as I cooked off, in the car and out. Then I got lost in a maze of corridors and my anxiety built. By the time I found where I needed to be I was of no help and had to take myself away to calm down.

My psych said it would happen, that these moments would come and to deal with it when it did. But I didn't deal with it; I was just scream-crying "why?", "I want this to end" and "please, I just want to park and end it". 

I loathe that it happened and while I shouldn't admonish myself for expressing my injury it's different when it's mental injury and not physical. You do feel like it's lack of will, that you should be able to snap out of a panicked or angered state and become insta-calm even though sometimes your brain has taken you on a ride to a destination you know not where.

When I'm in that state I radiate distress, anger or both and I don't want anyone to be around it. If I am trapped I turn and face the wall or window so angry tears cannot be seen. Today's was especially hard to get over.

But I got over and I'll get over the next one—and the one after that as well.


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