Monday, July 18, 2016

Vacillating Noble

In the most-excellent wargame Kingmaker one of the event cards you can draw is "Vacillating Noble". Your forces are made up of various nobles from various houses and drawing that card means one of them can't move during your go; it's like they were having second thoughts about being in the faction they were in.

I'm like that with thoughts of the future; on one hand I know I am a shiny golden penny and ready to be picked up by someone who needs someone who gives a fuck. On the other hand I worry I'll end up in a moment of full hysteria and be yelling, crying or huddled in a corner somewhere unable to move.

That I can be both at once is maddening. I am so fucking strong all over my body and in my mind but I am so fucking fragile in parts of my body and in some places of my mind.

But the only path is forward and whatever happens I know I'm supported and that I am healing. I can master anything because I've done everything. I stepped up and survived, hell, even thrived and I spent this day fixing a site to make it sparkling and clean.

In Kingmaker after your go ends the noble always returns; it's just that turn they had a wobble. Maybe that's my journey too? I have a wobble but I keep moving forward.

I can accept that.


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