Sunday, May 29, 2016

Cooked off

Layered stresses lay upon me like a cloak of dark and this morning I cooked off. I was a babbling, incoherent wreck in acute distress not making much sense to even myself. The panicked child had taken over and the logical adult was huddled in a mind corner.

I ended up on the shed floor cradling the stem of my exercise bike SoTPC like it was the neck of a friendly, seated alpaca that was content to let me hang onto it and wail.

After about 10 minutes I was calming and by 20 I was still on floor cradling the alpaca neck but no longer a heaving, crying, fright monster.

Even with logic returned the anxiety attack left me riddled with fatigue. I crawled into bed for an in-and-out sleep of four hours.

Now I am going to try and exercise in spite of it. 

I loathe these attacks. They're rarer now, and I get through them quicker, but that one was so bad that even as I babbled the mindfullness steps I would take to battle it I was so panicked I was not sure if I could do it.

But I did, and I can. That I still can have these moments but continue on once they're done is because I am resilient and because I have people that give a shit about me.


UPDATE: I did the ride, had a shower, and hours later feel much calmer. Not Zen-calm but neither a huddled mass of tears and stress. Hooray for getting the fuck back up.

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