Friday, April 15, 2016

If not me then who?

Part of the delicious adventure that is having OCPD (conscientious sub-type) is holding yourself to a near impossible standard of "if not me then who?"

If you see something that needs fixing, and you know how to get it fixed, then the moral duty falls upon you to fix it.

I've been fixing things since the moment I broke into the world—lights, stains, chips, breaks, holes, divots and systemic failures. The latter I'm especially proud of because I've fixed a fuck-ton of stuff through sheer fucking will and determination. Whenever an opportunity presents itself to make the case for a fix  then I'll take it.  And if I fail on the first attempt I bide my time until another opportunity comes to try again.

I spent the day trying to get a smart form fixed so it wouldn't cut information out of a field when the form was processed. Because I noticed whenever I got the email back repeating what I asked for I saw that the information from said field was cut about 10–20 words in. 

So it was broken and had to be fixed and I spent the day tracking down who could fix it.

Because if not me then who? How can I yell at the world for being broken if I can fix it?

Last year, on my last day before unforeseen gardening leave, I spoke to a leader on his near last day before retirement. We talked about his childhood, study and career. We talked about finding purpose in work and the responsibility we had to do our best. I told him how I wrote statements of purpose and worth on the ex-govie furniture in my shed, a psychological defence against ever feeling shit about myself, and that one of them said "I have the moral duty to help as many people as I can because I can." 

He smiled in agreement, eyes crinkled behind glasses of owl.

I wouldn't be me if I didn't try to fix or improve the world. It's in my genetics, it's in my upbringing and it's a giant fuck you to everything that stood in my way; I prove my worth by inflicting wellness.

I am the change we want to see in the world—and I'll keep changing things, fixing things and improving things right up until I circle the drain.


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