Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Made the day—hooray!

I'm back to full-time hours but it coincided with an uptick of anxiety, brought on by an anniversary, nightmares, raging IBS then, during the late-morning, a full-on flashback caused by refresher training. 

I was shaky on arrival but following the flashback my anxiety peaked. On return to my desk from a lunch shadowed by pain I was clutching my water bottle and consciously putting one foot in front of the other, breathing through my nose to distract myself from anxiety and trying not to let the tears show. 

But I made it to my desk, I made an arranged meeting, agreed to take on extra work then immediately helped out those colleagues with IT issues. In spite of the anxiety I made the full day—even earning flex.

A friend emailed to ask how I was travelling. I was honest, at that very moment I was still shaking and crying, but in the response declared that it was but a moment and that the moment would pass.

And then the moment passed. 

Recovery from psychological injury is not linear. There are days like this, and there will be more. But they will come less and hurt less when they do. 

Then some day it will all just be a story.


UPDATE: Discovered that I didn't take one of my head pills last night—the pill had gotten stuck to the box. That probably made it all worse and explains why I had trouble getting to sleep. Stupid having to take meds. It's better than the alternative—I shudder at the idea of dealing with chronic pain and depression without them. That's surviving not living territory.

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