Sunday, January 03, 2016

Two gone, three damaged

One of the delicious elements that makes up the Mikey mental melange is OCPD. Don't cry for me (because I'm flying free), my OCPD is both a curse and a blessing because along with all the horrid stuff it makes me give a shit about my work and other people.

On the curse side though is the habit to pick at the body when I brood. In my case it's either to tease at the scar weal on my right cheek or it's picking of toe nails.

As in picking them off or ripping them down the sides.

Last night, after having two coffees during the day, I was awake until 3 am and stuck in a brood loop of painful introspection. As I brooded I picked and ended up pulling off two toe nails from my left foot, and ripping the sides of my nails for two toes on the right as well as a chunk of nail ripped down to the nail bed from the middle of my right big toe. 

I should note I don't have normal toe nails. From years of nail abuse they grow thick and ungainly and will snag on socks and other things. So they come off easily. My big toe nails are sunk deep into the toe and are hideously ingrown. On occasion I have to lever up the sides of those nails, up and out of the toe, and trim them back or rip them off. 

To remove all or part of a nail hurts in the moment, then they sting for hours afterwards. The biggest pain comes from showering because when shower water hits a raw nail bed then the toe screams for the first couple minutes of the shower—and this morning I had five damaged and missing to cope with.

It's a dumb lifetime habit to have, to remove one's own toe nails, and the only benefit I can think of is an interrogation scenario where they torture me by removing my toe nails and I pretend to be scared then give disinformation. 


Mikey's mangled toesies for the win.

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