Tuesday, January 05, 2016

Lethargy and nightmares

After an anxiety attack a number of additional things happen. The first is fatigue and ache—all that energy consumed in the moment of anxiety leaves you physically exhausted and sore. 

The other is the increased chance for nightmares. 

I had both. I ached after the attack, I ache now, and I had nightmares. 

I woke about 5 am and heard the rain outside. I went to the toilet, got back into bed and thought for a moment about my nightmare before falling asleep again.

And went straight back to that dream.

That's psychological injury for you. It's mental, not physical, so your pain can vary in intensity and frequency. You can be travelling fine then WHACK an anxiety attack then fatigue and nightmares.

At least physical is consistent. Maybe that's why people struggle to understand or deal with those who have mental disabilities—because it's not consistent and because it's internal. Someone who is ambulatory but, in a moment, "seeming nuts" is way scarier than someone with crutches even though people with mental health issues are less violent, and endure more violence, than their able-minded peers. 

But all of that is the price I have paid for being awesome and continuing my life long project of being awesome. With power comes cost—and it helps to remember that trade when a dark wave crashes down.


UPDATE: Went to see Star Wars VII but getting the tickets in time to see it—the trailers had started—got so stressful I had to leave the cinema for three minutes to calm down outside. That's what it is to live with recurring anxiety. You're at always at risk of a trigger pull and even stupid, seeming insignificant things—or a moment of high stress—can set it off. 

It was an awesome movie though.

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