Sunday, December 13, 2015

Flashnows

I had a flashnow—a sudden burst of noise or activity that exploded in my face that triggered flight of fight (slash) flight. 

We got a new powerboard for the computer in case the old one was the reason for the router dropping out. 

I'd told the house I was unplugging things and the internet would be offline but people were scattered and engrossed and so did not hear me.

I'd just finished plugging everything back when theboy kicked open the door, iPad in hand, and screamed "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

He didn't mean me—he meant the internet connection (slash) router's signal that had just dropped out and spoiled what he'd been doing.

I went straight into flight mode and cringed in terror. I told him off in a shaky voice but felt my animal brain kicking in and made it into the shed before losing it. I cried, gulping air, until I thought it safe to come out but as I stepped out I heard yelling and my animal brain went full animal. I slinked back in, retracted into myself, huddled against the exercise bike, yowling and crying until thewife came in and calmed me. I had lost full sense of reality, no logic Mikey there, for a good three minutes.

It took twenty minutes to come back down to my current normal of moderate anxiety. Though my nerves are ragged and just a mini-flashnow can set me off. 

It's not fair. It's not fair an eight-year-old has to deal with a dad with a psychological injury. That he can't explode like an eight-year-old can because that's what eight-year-olds do—though threatening death upon a router is still beyond the pale. 

I hate my injury. I hate it even though without it I wouldn't have healed older, deeper pain.

But, fuck me, I could do without the flashnows. 

I've had two Valium and I'm going to have dark time and try and bleed away anxiety through dozing sleep.

UPDATE: I couldn't sleep but I'm fatigued, even exhausted. Fucking anxiety. 

UPDATE2: Hours on I'm still jittery, hands shaking, fibro pain lurking and the occasional tear rolling unbidden. That was a whopper. 

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