Thursday, August 27, 2015

If I was a mech my damage and heat sinks would be blaring red

BattleMech is a game from the '80s that I played a couple of times. The theme was giant humanoid-shaped weapon platforms operated by an onboard pilot. The game board was a battle map and in a game of two players you'd each have a couple of mechs as represented by a small white cardboard pic of your bot slotted in a plastic stand and then get to it.

In the game the more things you did or weapons you used the more the heat grew and a certain point you would suffer heat-induced system failure. On the standard terrain map were a couple of lakes. One trick was to go in "waist" deep and "keep firing, assholes" with the water hissing back a few of your marked-off heat boxes.

The robot's battle sheet was a piece of paper with a silhouette of your robot and boxes by each body such as arm, weapon mount, leg, torso or "head". When struck you you'd mark off the health boxes of a component until it becomes inoperable.  Such as if an opposing mech had pulled your mech's arm off then beat the other arm off it's body with pulled off one.

I feel like a battle-damaged mech. Pain flare and ache reports from across my agony-rid body parts with regular blaring alarm from my disparate Mikey bits. Left knee, thighs, right hip, right shoulder, left elbow, left cheek (face), abdomen and both other cheeks (lower). 

Pilots in BattleMech were jacked into their mechs but they weren't afflicted with sympathy pain from their wounded steel cocoons.

That would be nice. The ability to just be like the pilot and gapped from the pain. 

Get to it, Calico. It's not just life extension—it's quality of life extension. Get cracking on a medical implant for pain relief. Imagine the moolah you'll make. 

Guess what, other cheeks (lower)—time for more pain.

UPDATE: Yes, it was a painful ride. But I stepped out of the shower the pain was background and I was all aglow with tingly shower-fresh skin. 

I felt like a mech taking a battle bath to keep the heat down—it's resilience building, enjoyable and lowers pain and stress. 

I bet they rasp "ahhh" as they lower themselves in, like a flesh does when they sink into a delicious hot bath. 

Well-played, mechs who enjoy bathing. 

UPDATE2: I woke feeling much better and now it's just abdomen, right shoulder and, weirdly, right little finger. Like where Rimmer's charisma goes. 

At least my body repairs itself. If I was a mech I'd be in a horizontal basket cradle or even just chained to the roof and dangling like a resting marionette whilst work people busily swarmed me.

I hope though, in the universe where that version of Mikey is the mech and its pilot, that at one point the repair crew break into a "Greased Lighting" style flash mob of synchronised dancing singers who do a performance with a theme of repairing robotics and why don't they have robots to fix the robots yet and where's that work two hours every two weeks future from The Jetsons we were all promised?

Geez, they're bolishi in BattleMech Mikey's universe. I'm imagining a red flag flying being waved from atop a ruined building by a Griffin.

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