Somewhere high, America: Bette Midler, leading siren of song and screen, today was savaged by a number of eagles when the flame-haired diva took to the air, her flight empowered by the support of fellow Beaches co-star, Barbara Hershey.
'Wow, what a sight!' said witness Gary Smeethe, 56, an unemployed accountant taking advantage of the local free National Park while he endures his 16th straight month of having no work. 'Miss Midler dove off a high peak then caught an updraft, magnificently twirling as she ascended to dizzying heights with her Hershey-supported wings ... only to then be attacked by eagles.'
Bald eagles, the symbolic bird of America, are notoriously territorial and it seems the winged songstress had strayed into their turf, causing America's first birds to swoop down and drive Midler from the air.
'She flew away then up higher to get away,' said Smeethe, who blamed the financial downturn on socialism and something to do with a Fanny, 'and at first they could not keep up. But then she must have hit some sort of thermal and the superstar suddenly plunged a hundred feet in a matter of seconds. Next thing you know she had four eagles hanging off her, their beaks pulling out great chunks of Midler's famous ginger locks, as well as savaging her exposed flesh.'
The diva then ploughed into the earth, leaving a Tony Award winning furrow in her wake, the eagles remaining circling above her to ensure she was no longer a threat.
'Hershey then ran over and tried to give her mouth-to-mouth,' said Smeethe, 'but unfortunately her over-sized lips merely engulfed Midler from the eyelids to the chin and a proper flow could not be maintained.'
Parks officials then appeared and drove the eagles away, ironically playing selections from Midler's latest album to cause them to flee.
Ms Midler's condition, however, remains divine.