Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Mikey cheats with an ex then discusses a movie he likes

Today at lunch I cheated. At first it was a brief foray to the ATM ... then ... then I strode on out on my old daily walking route. Past the post boxes ... up the crazy paving path ... cutting through the car park and up the muddy slope that everyone uses as a path and why the fuck don't they just put steps in already? ... along past the new cafe ... over the road and then the big stretch with the pine trees ... then down gentle slope back to the office.

And it felt great. Seriously great. My hip still hurt but not as much. But the main reason I felt great was because I felt fitter. And because I felt fitter then it wasn't as fucked as the daily walk used to be. There was an actual spring to my step.

But ... I'm home now. And I still feel I should be thinking of England and just doing The Purgatory Cart already ... even though I actually met the previously accepted exercise requirement of a daily walk by actually having that walk (as opposed to The Purgatory Cart which became my Doctor-ordered exercise "choice" (1) following discovery of my Boneitus).

Yes, The Purgatory Cart. Hand forged by the cackling one-toothed hag Casso, who dwells high in the caves atop the mountain that looms over the peaceful land of my suburb. That foul wench must be vanquished! Who's with me?!

Cue montage of various heroes performing solo-heroic work hearing the call for Casso slaying then the montage shifts to them using various means—the long-haired yet beardless barbarian stoically rows a kayak down a river; the black-silk clad rogue swings on a line to knock a guardsman from his horse then rides the stolen steed into the night; the raven-haired sorceress whose low cut blue robes that are synched closed by the barest of belts transforms to a raven and with a croak flies out through her tower window; the fat cleric stumble climbs into a sedan chair and with quivering jowls commands the struggling bearers to trot off—to assemble at the base of the spindly spire that bears the crone of artifice.

Speaking of adventuring, I recently saw Your Highness—the Sword and Sorcery comedy-fest out that was directed by David Gordon Green, written by Danny McBride and Ben Best, and stars McBride, James Franco, Natalie Portman, and Zooey Deschanel.

It got fairly panned by the critics. But ... I like the Apatow Travellers' work and I knew I'd likely still like it.

So... what was it like?

It was.

(adopts comic store guy voice).

Best. D&D-like movie. Ever.

The jokes were funny, they looked like they had a ball doing it (Franco seemed constantly on the edge of breaking), the CGI was fuck-off amazing. Like Lord of the Rings CGI amazing. Even more amazing. It's an example of how CGI can now bring to life all the truly epic Fantasy books out there (2). Even though, of course, this wasn't based on a book.

Totally loved it. Thought McBride handled the lead role beautifully. I loved the spoiled noble voice he had (it was a pleasant surprise; I'd just assumed it be his "totally"-esq voice from his other roles).

But I have to admit that, like Norton's character in Fight Club when he's ordering stuff from a catalogue and prices and labels of furniture start appearing above all the stuff he's already got (3),
in my mind's eye I started seeing hit point totals inflicted / taken appearing above combatants, or deciding someone had Improved Evasion when they dodged a fireball...

I call epic lame.

(1) The other non-load bearing exercise choice being swimming. I hate my body. I feel like I am forced by genetics and life to wear a fat suit. I don't cram huge amounts of food (anymore). I exercise everyday. But I have a massive apple gut, pitted and scarred like a moonlet near an asteroid field from surgical scars, and I am almost absurdly conscious of my appearance when naked.
(2) And could someone please purchase the rights to Dragons of Autumn Twilight and re-make it? Fuck, use the animators for the TMNT movie that came out. That looks terrific. The animation for Dragons of Autumn Twilight was circa-1970s awful (but a weird mix of 2D and really cheesy 3D). Truly awful. The voice work was decent—so that could be re-used. So please, someone, do that. One of you mega-IT super-rich who grew up reading the books. Go on. If one of the animators sees this and gets upset then I know your pain. I do. I have had career fuck-ups and massive fails as well. Use that fail and build on it. Know you can do better.
(3) The very stuff which his alter-ego later decries—"
Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."


  1. Hey! I have a full set of teeth, thank you very much!!

  2. I thought it was the one tooth but heavily notched...

  3. NO!

    Although I have had my wisdom teeth removed. But I have the rest.

  4. Did you keep yours? I did. And my gallstones.

    I suspect there's a fair amount of sexual tension between my off cuts.

    Will they? Won't they? Tune into the next session of Mikey's Innards...


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