Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Purgatory Cart Enhanced

Yes, The Purgatory Cart, the anal-numbing evil possession of Casso, an icily beautiful witch-queen who lives in the north of my suburb and who presumably has legions of minions to call on.

The Purgatory Cart, an exercise bike also known as The Hell Wagon, is so named because with the ability to control the difficulty setting ... it's actually not that bad to ride. I mean I still feel I am exercising. And it's still not something I'd do if I had a choice in the matter. However, since I've had access to Casso's once-hated-possession (1), I have to admit that my hip doesn't seem to be hurting as much. Which is of course the whole point of the exercise (ho, ho).

Furthermore I have just found a means to get a decent target for time-on-the-saddle and thus enhancing the experience as a positive (2). I broke out Ole Mr Lappy (3), took out to our deathtrap-of-a-shed (4) and loaded in the latest episode of The Daily Show. Again ... I still noticed I was exercising but the fine, fine work from the team at TDS made it much less horrid. TheWife claimed she could hear me laughing from the lounge room.

There has been also another side-benefit of an on-site exercise medium ... I'm pretty sure I haven't left the precincts of my property since Saturday. And let's face it, I love my house. It's got everything I need in it. The rest of the world can get fucked! (shakes fist).

Indeed ... with the internet ... has there ever been a better time in mankind's history to be a shut in?! I think not. Of course the next leap of capability for a shut-in will be nearly-real sex bots ... and we're probably twenty years off that.

Anyway, The Purgatory Cart; now not as bad to ride since the day before yesterday (5).

(1) There's a good chance that Casso, like me, didn't realise the difficulty setting on her steed was fucked. I offered it back but, good egg as she is and taking pity on my 'would likely be self-employed by the sitting gates in a charity-fueled greeter position if in the Middle Ages' form, allowed me to keep it for now.
(2) I'm still trying my new behaviour of being more positive. When something happens that's bad or not as good as it could have been I say to myself 'what's the positive?' which usually means a lesson has been learned. Mikey, onward and upward!
(3) A non-wireless modem possessing circa 2004 laptop I bought for $200 about three years ago because I had delusions of writing more. It proved a God-send on a trip to Adelaide to see theWife's parents two Christmases ago because it meant I could stay up until 3 am playing Sid Meyer's Pirates. Only the DVD drive is a bit fucked which meant if the laptop laboured it switched itself off. That proved somewhat frustrating to say the least. Especially as I was in the middle of a formal dance with the Governor's daughter on the hard setting where the computer doesn't tell you which step she will do next save for a suggested come-hither-let's-fight combo romance (slash) martial arts movie gesture with her hand.
(4) It was technically constructed without approval. Likely, I think, because of the extensive power laid in for hydro-growing of pot. At any rate you're not covered insurance-wise if you hurt yourself so we don't let anyone that's not us in there. Also the electrics are a bit snakey because there's a nasty crackling sound and flaring of blue light from the light switch when it's activated.

(5) And theWife is now about to pad its seat with a sheepskin to take care of the anal numbing! (5a)
I suppose you could interpret that sentence as theWife is threading a sheepskin into my traditionally-exit-only exit. What delicious ambiguity!


  1. Re 5a, you could only read it that way if you assumed that "it" was you. I don't refer to you as an "it", even to my minions. :p

  2. It's a fair cop.

    PS Your minions are currently one (1) Boyf and one (1) flatmate. But it's a start! Even Sauruman had to start off with just Wormtongue....


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