Sunday, March 27, 2011

You haven't given us time to hide

With thanks to The Life of Brian.

As you know I am the oft victim of Drive-By-Boganing or DBB (1).

A DBB is where you, the innocent pedestrian, ambling along freely in the wide, wide, world, likely on some sort of purpose built path by the road's side, have a car-load of fuckwits roar past who, through the open windows of their mighty iron-steed, cast forth vitriol and abuse at said walker.

I think it's happened about a half dozen times since I moved back to the south of Canberra into "Nappy Valley" (2).

Any hoo, today's effort was a pearlier of a DBB. It wasn't so much what was said - I couldn't actually hear anything beyond dopler-infested gibberish - it was more the timing.

I hadn't actually started walking yet.

We sometimes go to the north-side of Canberra to the revamped Westfields in Belconnen to do shopping and sic theBoy on the free Pirate-themed play-area while we flop exhausted into the chairs not owned by the uptight donut shop nearby. On the return TheWife sometimes drops me with my Mp3 player a couple of kays from home so I can have my daily walk.

So I was gainfully dropped off and the good lady TheWife and child sped off around the corner, and I was waiting for passing traffic to clear before I crossed to the road, when today's lucky DBB contestants came belching along. Two guys and two girls in a white Toyota dual-cab ute. So in other-words an el-primo bogan chariot brimming with bogany contents.

I had only just thumbed on one of my leccies from 100 objects but yes not yet taken that forward step when they crossed in front, girls gaily laughing a'titter at their manly men upfront having upbraided me for my many faults - almost certainly for my size given I'd never met them and they didn't know anything about me. Also it was I think the first time it's been a white dual-cab ute that's done the DBB - though utes have done it to me before (twice from memory).

It was like an updated short-film attempt where the retro folk classic of Bangor was changed to a hard-hitting Ozzer version. Instead of Edwardian a'courtin' funsters in an open topped vintage car the setting had been dragged kicking and screaming into the seedy bogan side-belly of southern Canberra - an urban blighted suburban wasteland of roadkill McDonald's fries boxes squished gold-foil thin across the gravelled tar of undulating street-scapes - and the vintage car morphed to a ute staffed with a genetically-superior-to-me mobile double date.

Mind you the lyrics would need updating...

Didn't we have a lovely time the day we went to Tuggers
A beautiful day, we had lunch from drive-thru and all for under a twenty you know
But on the way back I cuddled with Jack and we opened a bottle of glue
Singing a few of our favourite songs as it was chromed around

What a pair of Lord and Lady Douchebags.

(1) I'm assuming the singular and plural are the same - like with sheep!
(2) Tuggeranong

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