Tuesday, December 28, 2010

What you can do for the environment

I have a confession. I fear for the earth. So much so now that I tend to not read stories about the environment because it reminds of this aforementioned fear. I get that sad little tingle in my tum of stress and I try and avoid those where possible.

I've been reading Robert Winston's "Bad Ideas?" An Arresting History of Our Inventions: How Our Finest Inventions Nearly Finished Us Off , in which the popular science presenter looks at technological milestones and notes that there's good and bad in each of the key ones ('fire/oil', 'medicine', 'agriculture', etc.(1)'. He talks about how our intimate interlink with oil is hurting us greatly but that while it is fair to debate the science on climate change because it is always right to debate about science (and we give him thanks and praise) we are in a cycle of temperature increase - whether by natural warming and/or man-made and, let's face it, a four degree rise will be pretty fucking fugly.

It's depressing. Very, very depressing. However very, very well written and an interesting combination of science history and polemic.

I try to recycle properly. I spent Christmas day for example filtering out Wobs paper from assorted shards of tape, lengths of knotted ribbon, then carefully pressing into the recycling bin out the back of my parents' place (A).

Assuming you're back here after entering the tangled words-woods that was my footnoting then here's something simple you can do.

After you tear off the toilet paper blow your nose on it before you wipe your arse. Because even if you blow out just a small bit of the nostril invader, in the long run that action likely adds up to a full tissue.

One leaf at a time, my planty brothers. One leaf at a time ...

(1) I have to admit I am paranoid about grammar now. I never really used to be - because I never really learned it despite the fact I have to edit people's work. But new boss, who is a trained professional at all of that asked the pertinent question 'well, why not' and forced me to eye-eat practically half the Government Style Manual - the grammar bible of the Commonwealth of Australia Public Servant staff. (2)

(2) Which is still not available as a searchable PDF. I wrote to ask them why. They said they'd look into it. Somehow I think the money they get from 10k+ hard-copies at $65 a copy ever five years (because that's when it dates like UHT milk tubs (3) Vs a PDF for $1 a PDF is why - though they could cut a macro-licence (14) deal with the Commonwealth - because after-all it is THE Commonwealth's style manual - so you'd think charging a million dollars per annum (4) so every-single public servant would have access would still be more valuable than the pulled-out-of-my-arse estimated revenue they'd get for printed book sales.

(3) The construction of the tubs (6) intrigues and fascinates me. The plastic seems so thin, yet it is pliant and strong, and it makes a delightful rrrhhuurb sound when strummed.

(4) looked up wiki (5) for per annum so I could note it's correct depiction. That's how paranoid I am now. (9)

(5) Remembered the thought process above for footnoting.

(6) I had rubs there for a second which is funny in the context of rub one out (7)

(7) Decided to pull the (6) out of the main text and give it its own footnote - and I correctly didn't put it's there which is awesome. L would be impressed. She occasionally yells at me if she sees one and says exasperatedly "Oh MIKEY!" like when we do theBoy when he drops one in his pants, and waves around her actual riding crop (it came I think with a stuffed horse). L also finds my occasional habit (8) of rolling up my pants legs while sitting at my work station distressing.

(8) I had wabit there for a second. Wabit ... hergh hergh.

(9) Oh ... that link was Wikidictionary. I totally did not know that existed (10)

(10) We just found this place existed - a lyric as sung by the bullies in The Simpsons when they found out that Springfield had a burlesque house. That ep is a particularly fine ep and when you spent the last 20 years typically having The Simpsons in in the background it's like having a nice dessert for tea when the Ep is a good one. For example the 'If there isn't a loose-leaf joke that isn't good I haven't heard it' (likely remembered it wrong). And Grandpa Simpson with hat on walking in whistling to put his hat up on the peg in the cloakroom and seeing Bart on the door - sent there to work off the costs of a gargoyle statue falling off the house's roof (11). Maintaining the exact repeat of his manuever with the hat, complete with walking and whistling, retrieves his hat and exits, clearly terrified at being rambled happily going along to see tits and bush and that (13).

(11) This reminded me of the 'save the brothel and the awesome whores; whores they are particularly fine and dandy and just ladies who love the sex lookin' for lurve in all the right ($200 to go bare-back, honey) places' episode of Firefly, also known by the working title of Heart of Gold (12)

(12) Which is also the known of the ship Zaphod steals in Hitchhikers.

(13) I have one of my word projects that has that line in it to do with P0rn, as spoken by a hideous bogan called Barry being forced to have a conversation with an outrageously gay website designer.

(14) I hate that blogspot has American English as its default - see L, got the its right again - because when I see the red underline under the English version I have to check I have it right.

(15) This should not be so high as a footnote since it's in the main text but since the others were already footnoted I cannot be arsed going back and changing it all. I may have to do that all the time at work. I should be allowed to do it here. Like when you can wear daggy festy clothes like crotch-split trackie daks to the shops and you don't giving a flying dutchman who sees you like that (16).

(16) I used to work with this famously flamboyant lady that is always immaculate and nicely dressed no matter time, day, or date. She's a very well preserved large-breasted woman and whenever we meet - with me typically looking stupidly dressed - I am reminded of the fact she's deathly allergic to bee-stings but can't be fucked carrying around an epipen - and that when I served as an administration functionary in my last job she failed to put in her 'what happened to me overseas when I went on holiday' mandated paperwork we all have to submit to make sure some nasty-pasties aren't setting out to mess with the Australian fucking Public Service! (17)

(17) If you've been following the foot-noting then you should have reached here with following the footnoting's entire string. I just wanted to add that Robert Winston is an IVF doctor and it is thanks to IVF we have our miracle man. I like to think of him as my little Ringwraith: Nine eggs were taken, five were viable, three made it to day three of the IVF fertilisation cycle and one (1) was good enough at day five to go into mum. He was the size of a pinhead as a blastocyst, and looked like a combination of soccer and bucky-ball, and I like to tell people that technically speaking, including all the doctors, medical-technicians, and soon-to-be-parents in the room, there were five people present when he was conceived (18).

(18) Not including theBoy of course. Because he wasn't a person then. He was a clump of cellular matter. But holy cats, even then I could tell he was packing some smokin' groin-kit (19).

(19) I told theBoy's cousins, my nieces, that theBoy's junk had been named by him as 'man-fury'. I shall tell them tomorrow that from now on they must call it that instead of 'his penis' because they take immense childish delight in asking my son 'Do you have a penis?' and him saying 'yeah' and them saying 'what do I have?' and him shrieking back ' 'GINA!'. (20)

(20) That was an awkward punctuation of speech. I used ' quote marks for speech, and double when a quote is spoken within speech - in opposition I might add to the Government Style Manual - and 'GINA is a contraction by my son of Vagina. Since it's a contraction I needed to also put a single quote mark at the start of the word to show that it is said contraction. Fuck, is it a contraction? I need to check. No, I think it's a shortening. Jesus-sadly I know so little about my job (insert sad emoticon here).

(A) This is the second footnote in the main body of text. Trouble is all the other numbered footnotes hang off that first one. So I plan for this to be the last mainbody footnote and thus I have gone Reverse-Alphanumeric on its ass. I have also note followed on footnotes direct from other footnotes above like I did previously (A1).

(A1) Ah nuts the (A) needed a footnote. A side-tale about the recycling incident. I did the recycling process with my dad as he was sorting bottles and cans etc. in while I was doing the paper. I mentioned something about how I was surprised councils weren't investigating methane reclamation plants at the rubbish dump or something. He then said that he was annoyed about how trivial politics had become when there was more pressing concerns. An example he gave was the 'hoo-hah' about gay marriage. Except he somewhat undermined this declaration of triviality by then somewhat ardently calling the word 'marriage' off limits to bum-boys and ladies-who-are-ladies-but-also-lick-ladies (A1a) [he didn't call them that but I am trying to give a kind of Are You Being Served esq glimpse to the sudden injection of hardened conservatism into the convo]. 'They can have their civil-rights, and unions, and full legal protection ... but they can't have our word. That's ours.' I have to confess I found his hands-off declaration of ownership over ... yes, a word ... to be both illogical and desperate but it occurs to me that for supporters of the rights of gays to wed then clearly it's important to them and it is symbolic and a sign of a gradual claim of actual equal rights and respect just because they trend higher on kinsey scale is no reason to deny them what those below them have ... so of course it is important to my Dad in the opposite way. Except, well, I fundamentally disagree with that view.

I know what it is like to be excluded. To be treated as different in the negative. I'm fat, weird and annoying. Now that's no comparison to what it is like to be treated negatively for being gay in terms of intensity of hurt and humiliation, though I suspect I could give them a run for their money in a one on one chat about social suffering.

Basically my dad was saying gays aren't as valuable as hetrosexuals are. That because their biology made them different in a non-great for the bloodline for replication purposes sense, that thinking, reasoning creatures should jump up and down, hooting loudly, then smite them with a jawbone of an ass or something (A1b).

I said something like 'so two adults in love shouldn't be able to stand up in front of others and declare this love in front of those that love them, no matter their sex?' and he said, again most ardently, they could do whatever they wanted as long as they didn't call it marriage. Which is kind of like the situation that went into the anger the Greeks had for the almost taking of the term Macedonia.

I then responded brightly with 'well they could add an extra r and call it mar - rrr - ridge!', inflecting upwardly as I pronounced the word as altered for hetro-sensibility.

I could have gone in it hard and fast, knees, elbows, fists, feet, and fire-extinguisher (A1c) on it, but, well, it was Christmas. So I just snuck in and told theWife and theSisInLaw instead.

(A1a) I wondered if ladies-who-are-ladies-but-also-lick-ladies was hard to say fast. It's surprisingly not. Try it ... ladies.who.are.ladies.but.also.lick.ladies (A1.1)

  • (A1.1) I changed the hyphen to a period because I wanted the reader to still get to clearly read the word but the . Vs - shortened the small pulse of time for which the mark is registered by the reader and thus they're encouraged to speed-say the words. Did ... did that work?

(A1b) Okay, I stole that from the opening scene of 2001 but you get my point I think (A1b.1).

  • (A1.b1) Fuck me what an awesome movie that was (A1.b1a). A couple of years back I read the biography of Arthur C Clarke - and no, he was not a pederast as pedophile crazed britons likely assumed he was (A1.b1b) - and the chapters on the process of how 2001 came to be were awesome.

  • (A1.b1a) When I went to wiki 2001 so I could link to it I accidentally pasted in the wrongly selected snatch of text 'awesome movie'.

  • (A1.b1b) I read somewhere - and it's likely apocryphal because no-one could really be that demented - that a mob of under-educated brits, likely fired up 'OOO WHOOPS WHAT'S UP YER SKIRT MINISTER?!' fleet-street tabloid press, once actually attacked a local medical clinic because the sign on the facility read 'PEDIATRICIAN'.

(A1.c) Seriously, how is it the referee never sees that number when it's introduced into a professional wrestling ring in direct opposition to the rest of the viewing humanity. It must be kind of like when theBoy is behind me, gripping on to my shirt and I shout 'Has anyone seen theBoy?' and all the other kids shriek 'he's behind you!'.


  1. Anonymous3:41 PM

    Never write an email shorter than your sig.

    Never write an essay shorter than your footnotes.

    That is all.


  2. I got halfway through your footnotes and then my eyes got tired...

  3. Well when you're a bright-eyes again then keep going. Topics covered include Firefly, The Simpsons, Gay Marriage, grammar, IVF, Arthur C Clarke and hysterical mobs in Britain hunting for pedophiles.

    I am a fucking cornucopia. I nearly said fucking A cornucopia which I think from a penile insertion point would actually be possible ... only if it got stuck you'd have to say that it was some kind of Carnival specific cock-ring from Rio...


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