Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Are you a large man?

Do you, like me, have a gut that's best described as ample?

And, if so, in accordance with the adage of have lemons, make lemonade, do you - pushing aside self-revulsion for being that way, use this ampleness to your physiological and dare I say partial psychological advantage?

You do? Then you sir ... you are a Jolly Fat man. Happy clown on the out, the sad scary one that scares people on the in.

I do use my ampleness to my advantage. Today, at one point, I balanced my half empty can of diet coke on it when I needed two hands while driving. The can was at a steep tilt and in danger of tipping off but still, despite my seething dislike of my overweight experience, I got a minor quirk boost from it. Hooray!

In addition to occasionally feeling like Obelix, when I am in the shower and soaping my tum in a round-about-manner I rest my paw, fingers splayed across my girth. And for a fleeting moment I know what it is to be a powerful Hollywood success. If that is you were willing to pretend to be Demi Moore on the cover of Vanity Fair that time she was preggo. Especially if combined with the nudie penis between legs tuck behind* best provided as an example by Jay in Clerks Two in taking the piss out of Silence of the Lambs.

Like I said, lemons into lemonade. Though in a comparative analysis of the ratio of lemons to said lemonade I'd say it's one bushel equals a half glass.

* I recently tried to do it. Turns out since pre puberty - the last time I recall trying this - it appears my balls grew a tad and it frigging hurts if re-attempted.

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