Saturday, July 31, 2010

Aka theNoo

TheNoo is on a 'no, I'm not theNoo, I'm, NewName!' kick of late. He won't answer to his name and he gets frustrated if you call him by it.

Lately his pseudonyms have been...

Alex (the Alex) - from Madagascar

Woody - from Toy Story

Horton Hears a Who - from Horton Hears a Who


Mermaid - from his Megabloks Pirate Ship (from Casso + M)

As for me, when he's a Mermaid I'm the parrot.

Friday, July 30, 2010

The usual (dairy) suspects

I am likely lactose intolerant, with breath testing to confirm that's the case in a couple of weeks.

But I do like my dairy, even if I am trying to restrict it. Sometimes ... sometimes the yearning for creamy milky derived goodness is so strong it overwhelms me.

I failed on the reduced dairy last night. At one stage a thought flashed in my mind of wanting to take it straight from the teat or something.

My dairy consumption y'day was...

Green lid Dare iced coffee in the morning.

Pizza at lunch.

At dinner the dairy came via "enhancing" a Chicken Kiev by draping cheese on it. That, and the potatoes as well.

For dessert a banana split with cream added. It was more split (ice-cream) than banana...

Oh ... just remembered this. Three pieces of toast with thick slabs of butter came in around this point too.

Then ... about midnight ... I had a thick wedge of cheese that I cut into almond shaped slivers to have with shattered cracker remnants

Then, following that, more more ice-cream.

The pain / gas when I woke was freaking AWFUL. As theNoo was eating his weetabix I had to leave him to it - always fraught with danger because when not watched he will go the fling or stuff it down the hole of his chair - and dash for the lav and try and pass some of the badness.

I had to mung pain pills in the car on the drive in and they landed half way along the highway. I'm pretty sure I saw a road sign come to life.

Once again dairy has become my electrified cupcake.

I was telling a friend about it. She was so incensed at my lack of giving up dairy she said that if I'd been in physical distance she'd likely have thrown large things at me.

Harsh man, very harsh.

Daddy does pick up

One little monkey sitting in a tree ,
Teasing Mr Crocodile you can't catch me ,
Along came Mr Crocodile as quiet as can be,
and snap went he.

When I am on pick up for the noo I like to sneak in and watch him playing. Eventually he twigs I am there and usually gives a great shout of joy, runs over, and ... asks where mum is.

Today he was with the other kidlets gathered in front of the couch. The 20 nothing child care worker was leading them in singing with the above song.

I snuck up next to noodles as he was singing along then ... when it came to the snap line ... I snapped my hands together and he saw me.

Then the song got down to one Monkey (it starts with five). As thenoo was getting up the song was continuing - up to the bit where the monkey says 'can't catch me'.

With a dirty smirk I couldn't help but say '... croc tease...'

I swear 20 nothing worker blushed a little.

When we drove off theNoo started complaining. He wanted me to sit in the passenger seat cos that's where I usually sit. I had to patiently explain that I was the one driving.

Now we're home. He's watching Madagascar Two - that he calls Madagascar Plane so as to distinguish it from the first one - and I am blogging next to him.

He won't let me touch his toushie. 'DAT'S MY TOUSHIE, GRRRR!'

Thursday, July 29, 2010

You report it, you own it

When something breaks in our building if you report it you end up as the point of contact for that job. This also means you end up as the escort for the repair people and have to hang out with them while they work.

I sort of ended up as the OHS person for our area. It's a good fit because I am Mr Civic in that I report stuff when it breaks.

I reported two dead light bulbs in the lads' toilets. The electrician contacted me for the escort the other day. Turns out the sockets were broken and he needed to look at the them to get their part numbers.

Then he came back again and did the exact same job - getting the part deets. Bulbs still not fixed.

This has meant thus far 30 minutes in total of me escorting this dude around.

It has also meant my having to hang around in the actual toilet area.

We have a metal trough for number ones. As a water save measure the trough only auto flushes once an hour.

Which meant the entire time I was on escort I had to put up with the aroma of stale wee.

That's what you get for owning a problem. A delish whiff of Calvin Klein's Yourine...

Well it was bound to happen sooner or later

I got a rap today. Not praise rap, doosh doosh. But bad Mikey.

It was a pre-six month performance agreement meeting. My leave got a mention in the bad way due to bouts of late starts and a deficit in my flex leave bank. I also copped a 'I had to re-do some of your work' comment cos I'd let some shoddy reports go through.

Well I felt like shit. Mainly cos it was new boss having to deliver it. It's fair enough too. I have had issues with attendence - actually I always have. I don't think I've ever had more than 10 days sick leave in the bank in the decade plus time I've been a public servant. I get sick, I have time off. I may even have to get a case officer to help manage my illness. Though I can't think of what they could do that I am not doing already.

It is slightly irksome because while I do deliver projects late I do actually still deliver, and by and large, they're delivered in a well delivered state. And I am way more effective than most public servants I know for the amount of stuff I am responsible for.

Still ... comments noted. I just have to lift my game.

However I did get a free coffee out of it so it wasn't all bad. I've also discovered that three equals is as sweet as four sugars so at least I have the sugar monkey off my back ... except for the sprinkling of brown sugar on vanilla ice-cream...

Calling the obese fatties

The UK health minister, Anne Milton, has come up with an interesting way to address the rise in obesity. Make people who are obese feel bad about themselves by calling them fat.

Here's a piccie of Anne Milton

To paraphrase Churchill, madam I can lose weight.

You on the other hand will always be an ugly hateful mofo.

How can a pig ignorant knuckle like the bride of Frankenstein here make it to a ministry?

I guess it's just the shallowness of the conservative gene pool that allows it.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Feeling a little better

I've had ups and downs these past two years, and am still on anti-depressants - mostly as part of pain management - but I've noticed I'm blogging more and reading people's blogs more. I think that's a sign I'm maybe feeling a bit better. Like taking an interest instead of simply feeling 'meh' and wanting to blob like a Dali clock.

And I've got my foot picking down to just nail removal and working on the skin where my big toe meets my foot. See, that's an improvement.

On the be more positive course I went on there was a lot of group / personal reveal moments. One of them was 'tell us a strength you have.'

I was struggling to come up with one. Finally I volunteered computer skills in that I am slightly more advanced than a typical white collar worker.

But it says a lot about me that I am so much more comfortable talking up my faults or mikey moments than I am about things I may be okay at. Maybe we're all like that? After-all every person I have ever known that talked up their skills without fear of humility I thought was a massive fuckstick, so I hardly think I would run around wanting to say 'Mikey? He's g-r-r-e-a-a-t!'.

Oh I noticed I passed the 3500 mark for total number of posts. I suppose that's something.

Mikey = quantity over quality every time - over 3500 opinions served.

Kewl finds

The Thick of It from the UK. By the guys who did In The Loop.

Awesome stuff.

A solo visit to clogs and windmills cooking

Recently we did a course where we learned to come from a positive viewpoint in how we related to business. It was kewl. One of the things to be positive was to ask 'and how are you feeling?' at the start of gatherings. The idea being you would share when you're up and down and basically feel like people are taking an interest.

So we did that today.

'And Mikey, how are you feeling?'


Apparently telling the truth when it has a fecal tinge is not viewed as positive sharing.

I don't see why ... they will share it whether they like it or not.

Continuing in this methane vein(*), the other night I was enduring yet another bloated night out on the couch. It's a comfie couch at least as it's actually a fold down bed-couch - but I leave it in couch mode because pressing my hairy back against the couch's back makes me feel better.

I was gassy. I was wrapped in a doonah against the Canberra cold.

Now by their powers combined ... what happened was that when I moved position all that gas I'd banked up below would shoot up my padded neck hole and howl along my twin olfactory tubes with a shrieking vengeance.

Yes, it''s true. I'd given myself a dutch oven.

is that right? vein? or should it be vane? or vain? I thought vein cos it's a kind of road for blood that "continues along


I was at a meeting the other day. We were talking about changes and the fact that we will have to win 'hearts and minds' to implement them.

At the meeting was old boss ... and three other (female) colleagues.

Without thinking I blurted out the famous Vietnam era line of 'Grab 'em by the balls and their hearts and minds will follow...'

... cough ... coughcough...

Welcome to the world, T

T was born to our good friends L & N & S the other day. Blessings upon his new life!

He certainly picked a pair of awesome parents to be raised by. For they areth the shizzle.

Some life advice from HM for you.

Don't use ear candles.

Don't go chasing waterfalls. They're slippery and dangerous.

Somedays will be bad. Others will downright suck. But the good days will beat them hands down.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Pigman, baby, Pigman!

With thanks as ever to Seinfeld.

Recently I was on a course. In the public service we get sent on these things, often against our will. 'I'm too busy!' etc. This was the case for me however I got a huge benefit out of it and I am so glad I did it.

On such courses on occasion a coordinator or facilitator will throw out a group exercise challenge. Sometimes it has a message. Sometimes it's just there to break up the day and re-energise people.

The challenge was to take a sheet of butcher's paper and pass it around the table. Each time you got it you had to rip a piece off the paper. The aim was, together, to create a recognisable animal shape from the multiple tearing.

What was the catch? You couldn't communicate with your team members. No talking, no drawing, no gestures etc.

Awesome new boss was in my group.

I immediately cheated by adopting the "pigman" look from Seinfeld, as from the awesome episode linked to above. I pretended to have an itch but it was an obvious overt rort on the game in order we choose the animal in advance.

Cunning, eh?

Well it started well. Around the table the paper went. Then ... something odd happened. Awesome new boss silently folded the paper in half and ripped out a chunk on the fold in the manner of creating a paper doll. She opened the paper again. Our roughly formed pig now had a massive hole in the middle. It looked like someone had taken a shottie and gone chick-chunk BLAM!

It was only when it returned back to her that she realised we were making a pig. She'd thought, for some reason, we were making a paper cat's head. The hole in the middle was going to be its nose.

Naturally at this point we pissed ourselves laughing at our ripped butcher's paper pig with the massive hole in the middle.

When we went back to the full group we disclosed that we'd had a hitherto unknown pro-cat faction within the group.

At that point I yelled loudly, SPLITTER...

Sunday, July 25, 2010

The debate - the only one - for the 2010 Fed election

Well it's about to start. I is already to vent my outrage.

It's not helped by a quick scan of the headlines. Tony Abbott, who was a minister in the Howard government and whose government upticked immigration to record levels, has decided to bring that bogey man out of the cupboard and unleash it on this election. He's vowed to cut it. This despite long term economic benefits from immigration - although without proper supporting infrastructure it can and does cause issues.

Indeed LegoHead (aka Kevin Andrews), the former Immigration Minister, wants it cut by 85%.

Pandering fuckholes.

It's on. Here we go...

God I hate Tony Abbott. I hate his gormless smiling lizard like face. I half expect a tongue to flick out in the manner of a reptile.

Opening statement from Gillard now. She opened with Moving Forward - sigh - I dislike how these elections get distilled to eight words or less but that's modern politics for you. Good start - mentioned the ALP response to the GFC and reminding peeps they did a good job managing the issue when it washed up on us. Her make-up seems a little excessive but that's just me seeing her in such a forum for the first time. Most of the time I see her giving a talk outside . Talking up education and the national curriculum, trades training centres etc. She's linked it all back to Moving Forward.

Sigh - here's the sustainable Oz stuff. Though she has linked it to alternative energy which is good. Eyes on the road ahead, not rear vision mirror etc.

Abbott - It's about a fair go for families under pressure and the democratic process. Abbott's wanking on about how he knows what it is like to be under mortgage pressure - he was on 300k as a Minister so I hardly think he does. Now he's claiming credit stuff he did as Health Minister and what he believes etc. Now he's going on about the five action points, ending in "stopping the boats". I presume he's personally going to stop them by swimming out with a cease and desist notice or something. Yep ... here comes the pink batts and school halls waste mantra. Wah - it's hopeless! They sacked Rudd! Therefore they suck the wang and I am great. Things are bad to worse under the ranga wah! It's not good enough! This government is all spin. The coalition is fair dinkum. We have a green army! Community hospitals! Schools run by parents not bureaucrats! (Because parents know best...).

Question to Gillard now on rolling Rudd and that she'd nominated concerns on mining tax, refugees and the environment as part of the reason for it. Have you moved forward with this?

Gillard naturally is saying yes. Yes on the mining tax being sorted. Yes on strengthening borders. Aiming to stop boats at the source - ie the nearby countries where they sail from. Working with the indons. Climate change - she's at least saying she believes it's real unlike Weather Vane standing next to her. Wants long standing solutions. No dirty power stations at least - presumably making them retroactive refit ready if clean coal gets viable. Notes policies on encouraging companies to kick in on the environment etc.

Question to Abbott - you killed three leaders, and only just got in. Mentioned the weather vane on environment the lying thing. How can we believe you?

Abbott responds. I am giving clear commitments! No waffle! No un fair dinkum policies! Labor made the boats come, we stopped them, the deal with east timor is fanciful, talk to Narau they want the centre back open. The coalition thinks the mining tax is horrid. The poor miners! Won't someone think of the miners?! Lesser miners don't like it. Abbott is going on about his environment policy - side-stepping the weather vane issue and simply saying they at least have a policy - the moronic one about the green army.

Missed the question to Gillard (Casso said in comments it was about showing leadership) but she's going on about her time as Min Educ and staring down the teachers on the national tests. Mentioning the national curriculum thing and crying public servants loving it. Promoting her MySchools website and that she's not hostage to 'swings and roundabouts'. Wants deep and lasting change. Come with me! Leadership is about courage, conviction etc.

Hey it was just the unions anti website... (says interviewer). People wanted it. How is that hard leadership?

Gillard is countering it, just reinforcing she pushed it through.

Abbott's response ... the PM doesn't have much to talk about after three years in govt. Says he in govt he did heaps more. Now he's talking about his paid parental leave - the one where he was going to tax the 500 companies on it - and trying to say he wanted to do it all the time. Except when he was in government of course for 11 years. He just mentioned Costello. Nice one jug-head.

TheNoo is at the door wanting in. Sorry dude, Daddy is busy yelling at the Teev.

Tony Abbott is saying the ALP will fight his super parental leave plan. The one he pulled out of his anus and never took to the party.

Question to Abbott - your government pursued big population when Abbott was in. Aren't you undoing what you did wrong.

No, far from it. We're leveling with the people. We're being fair dinkum by talking about immigration. The ALP is not (what the fuck!?) The ALP increased it from 200k to 300k. That's bad n'kay. Ours was good. Theirs yucky. We're bringing population down to 170k and we're keeping the skilled migration section intact (so presumably less refugees and family reunions).

Question - um you let in lot's of students.

Abbott - current government made it 300k

Gillard's response. Fair Dinkum eh? Let's talk numbers. GFC we dropped it to 230k. 2010 it's 175k. In 2011 it's less than that when you talk total numbers (ie factoring in people leaving Oz). Gillard mentioned cracking down on the skilled visa rorts and the shonky education providers and the dodgy study here and stay policies.

Abbott was pwned.

Abbott - why didn't you talk about this last week?! Why didn't you mention immigration?!

Gillard - sustainable Oz is protecting Oz standards of life - jobs, education, environment protections. We dealt with immigration as part of economics. Now we're factoring in infrastructure and environment. She mentioned the numbers she used as being available. Sucked in Abbott.

Question on regional processing centre from Malcolm Farr. When is it going operational?

Gillard - no quick fix. We're talking to people - east timor, indon etc. Working towards reducing getting people not on boats by having a regional centre cos when they got nabbed they'd return to whence they came (I don't agree with that idea but I can see why anti refugees would). Mentioned we'd treat genuine refugees with care and consideration. She's not giving a guarrantee on having a regional centre set up in her term.

Abbott's response. Let's be fair dinkum. Fuckwit. He should tattoo that on his face. East Timor doesn't want it! There's never going to be a centre in ET! This is a fudge! If she's serious then go Narau! It was built personally by me and Kevin Andrews! Pick up the PHONE!

Question to Abbott. 90% of Narau people were found to be genuine ...

Abbott - We had temp protection visas! We turned boats around (when safe to do so - they stopped that BTW Tonester because it wasn't!) Those policies worked! It was the coalition that stopped the boats! Not any other factor. It was us. Me and Kevin on surfboards stopping the boats! Fair Dinkum and the fucking phone got another mention.

Gillard pointing out that people smugglers sink the boats if there's a turn around policy. Ruddock acknowledged this. It's not safe to stop and turn them around because the boats are wrecked. Narau is not a viable place. Bad politics. Not able to sign up convention. G is still talking to ET.

Abbott - both sides in N want the centre to open! So nyar.

Gillard - no functioning government Tony...

Question to G. World economic future uncertain. Banks failing. Govt aiming to surplus in three years. Will you re-assess if the economy starts dropping?

G - Yes, we're still aiming to go back to surplus. I agree that if we look at the Int situation and watch them. We will have some additional stimulus to support jobs. Mentioned that when GFC hit they had a good plan and if they'd done what T said we'd be well fucked with a deep recession (take that into your backface T). We did that. We have the better plan. Abbott wants to boost up company tax. We don't. That tax will smack on to us.

Question - if we get a double dip will you go stimulus.

G - I am not ruling stuff in and out on actions depending on what happens but am aiming for surplus.

A - The govt claims credit for anti GFC impact. But our success is more due to previous forms than spending sprees. Some stimulus was needed but this govt - too much, too soon! Yes action was needed but there was waste, obscene waste - batts! School Halls! Did I mention batts? Lots of rip offs under the school halls program. Couldn't trust her with schools, why the full economy? As for future stuff - well the govt's extravagance made us all sad and weaker to respond to crisis's. Boo school halls, boo!

Question to Abbott. What grocery price lowering policies are you going to have.

A - well we wouldn't have grocery watch! The best thing we can do is defict control! With the govt not borrowing then we reduce pressure on others to borrow money. You see - it's labor. I'm pretty sure I saw Kim Carr steal an old ladies sandwich! Families have to live within means, so should governments!

Question - specifics?

A - I won't make a mistake by offering up impossible solutions. Sure competition is great. Sure best possible settings by government! But govt can't with a stroke of a pen to reduce prices and the ALP said they would. Boo!

G - If you put extra tax on companies. Guess what up go prices. That's T's policy. That's his reality. We delivered tax cuts. We created and Educ rebate. Extending it to uniforms. Child Care rebate. Major increase in the pension. We had measures on cost of living. We ended work choices, ended work choice, gave people more security in their employment. Oooooh Tony plans on bringing back WC.

Question - What's the point of no return on reducing carbon?

G - She's going the community consensus. Sigh. We had a consensus on it in parliament by Tony fucked it for everyone. G is mentioning the community coming with us. Making it palatable etc. Also we will have measures to reduce carbon. Labeling a bunch of stuff etc.

Question - what's the date we have no return. When will it happen.

G - we're assessing in 2012. We're not going to drive legislation through that would be removed if there was a change in govt.

A - I regret to say there's a leadership fail on it! She said in Nov delay is denial! Now she's saying it's all too hard (this fuckwit was the one that caused it to fail - I can't understand what his fucking point is on this). We will get a carbon tax if this government is elected. Boo carbon tax, boo.

Question to A - IR, you said off limits. How does this help productivity?

A - I respect the electorate. I respect those who run businesses! I've travelled the country and listening to business. Too much change in the last few years! We want stability! We don't like change! So I am giving them stability. Cos that's what they want.

Question - why don't you lead on it?

A - I respect the verdict of the people on the 2007 election. Let's give the ALP's changes a chance.

What? The?

G - Tony signed that stupid thing then his party wanted to change the laws on it. Tony believes in work choices. Tony said in budget reply that aspects on WC would be back. Come clean Tony! You believe in it, you always will, so if T is PM then worst aspects of WC will be back. It's in ALP DNA to believe in a fair workplace.

Question to G - you said employees wouldn't be worse off with new changes. But small businesses are paying more. Are you going to change awards to help them?

G - No, balance is right. We asked fair work Oz to take 4000 awards to modernise them to 127 awards. Better info and simplicity is work billions in benefits to the economy because there is a uniform system in place. In the transition employees got the benefit on not pay drop. Business got a five year transition. I am the architect of fair work. I did it. I made it. Mine is awesome. Tony loves WC. And always will.

A - I don't say it's perfect. But likely best for the foreseeable future. I respect the 2007 election result. I respect what business said. Existing legislation is okay ... for now.

Question to G - won't speak about Rudd / Cabinet. How many times did you warn Rudd he was on the wrong track before you knifed him.

G - Not canvassing questions with Ruddy. But am happy to say that when I became PM people were confused and asked why it happened. The truth is I worked with R and wanted good govt. I became concerned we were stuck / bogged eg on the mining tax. Being concerned about sustainable Oz. As Dep PM I did all I could in that role. But then I had a difficult choice, didn't sit well, and it came to a choice of should I serve Rudd or the Oz people. I chose the people (throw flowers!) My colleagues agreed with me. T will make politics on it. T knows what it's like to need a new leader - he knifed Turnbull. I said when I became PM I'd give ozzers the choice on me.

Question - name the number of times you talked about the knifing.

G's response (as noted by Casso in comments) - not talking about it

A's response. This is a bad govt. Policies not the face in front. They changed the face but the policies have not improved. It's all a shambles! She set herself three tasks to fix - mining tax - that didn't work - boat people - still here - the climate - a fudge! This is the problem. Government is bad and tricky trying to say it's different. We've seen it at the state level! Factional games!

Question to both on Afghanistan. The 2014 exit strategy. Are you withdrawing in 2-3 years time. You want more troops A.

A - I think our troops are doing hard job well. They stay until job is done and that's A being never again a safe haven. Let's see how it all goes. I will respond as PM to new developments with advice of Mil

G - My position is the same as Rudd's. We train the Afghan army. Best estimate is 2-4 years. We will get the job done, not a deadline, but the mission is 2-4 years more.

Closing statements time!

G - Good discussion. There are real differences between us. Ozzers will assess this. As PM I will never cut back investments in schools / education because they're critical for skills development. I won't cut back on super clinics / after hours / records improvement. I won't stop the National Broadband network. Going forward investing in services families need. As PM I can't imagine putting up company tax, unlike Tony. I won't ever go back to work choices. Forward with fair work! Election is about the future. We're confident, optomistic. There's not challenge that can't be faced. Glass is half full! Optimism rules! Policies for strong economy and prosperity and sustainable Oz. Into the future with a special Oz way of life. Policies for family support services. I submit myself to the Oz judgement.

A - My pledge is to end the waste, pay debt, no new tax, no boats. That's my action contract. Cabinet will decide on stuff and govt will live within its means. G couldn't say why her govt should be reelected. We can't afford this government to get back in! They're not running on their record (they are fuckwit, did you not hear all they said). Pink batts! School Halls! Debt! Worse! We will get a mining tax! Carbon tax thanks to the greens preferences. This election will determine whether the people choose their PM, not power brokers! The labor governments are evil. Can the people trust labor?! Fair dinkum paid leave scheme! My green army. When you come to vote I will hope you look at the record of this government. I ask for your support to end the waste, repay debt, no taxes, no boats. This coalition is all that stands between the people and the evil that is labor. Let's change govt before damage is done! I want two more debates! Give me!

Thank god it's over. I watched it on ABC so I have no idea what the worm said.

Anyway, who won? Well Gillard was more positive. Tony crapped on about bullshit as usual and used prepared points on 'they didn't talk about their record!' when they in fact did.

Tony basically used this as an excuse to wank on about his action plan on NO!

I think Gillard won but as noted I am an ALP / Union person who detests the Libs for almost everything they stand for.

No (insert repeated words)! Read Poppley!

At home one of my main wrangling jobs of theNoo is before bedtime reading. He gets the single sofa chair and I get the robust hand-me-down red kindy chair. He selects up to four books to be read then it's off to bed.

When he was a baby in a cot I'd read to him at night before he went to sleep. To make it interesting I'd do accents - French, Irish, South African, and celebrities - William Shatner, Patrick Stewart etc. He was a baby so he couldn't protest my choice of how I read him his tales.

He can now. He can and does.

I ask if I can read it in 'insert voice style here'. 'No!' he shrieks. 'No (insert voice style here)!' He then leans his melon against my face and says 'Read poppley'.

Sometimes I will go into voice style mid-way cos it's funny when he realises I voided the pact and he yells at me 'No! Read POPPLEY!'

The other day I decided to try for another celebrity. His response...


Gold. I bet that's the first time that's even been uttered.

Ware the proffered rugged cuddle

We have two lounge-rooms. Well, actually we don't. Lounge-room two is actually the master bedroom that we turned into the computer room / study / library / large couch that folds out / main teev (hash) 2.

In lounge-room one there are a number of ways to enjoy viewing of the over large fat teev (a gift from friends) - we have not succumbed to the flatscreen desire as yet. There's the single sofa chair near the light in the corner. There's the three person couch - which really only comfortably seats two as per the back seat of a compact sedan. There's the single person sofa chair against the wall that has a mock leather poof - it looks leathery, it's vinyl. Then there's the floor with the beanbag there to mould to one's bod and rug up with the doona.

The other night theWife was on the beanbag on the floor, rugged as is her custom in the doona.

She demanded a cuddle. This involved me having to get down on the floor, shuffle into the big spoon position, and peel away the doona so I could dock with her back.

All went well right up until the peeling away of the doona. At that point the evil monster she'd brewed came wafting out. I say wafting. It seemed more like it powered out like the first spurt of water in a dam breech. It was almost literally breath-taking. I choked, recoiled then rolled away screaming like a B-grade movie set-on-fire person attempting to roll out the flames. I then struggled to my feet and ran away.

So there you go kids, a life slash love lesson. If your SigOther is rugged up and asking for a cuddle ... take a canary with you.

Friday, July 23, 2010

At Home: a short history of Private Life by Bill Bryson

The very best writers are those where when you read their books you don't realise you're reading.

It's a tough act to pull off and Bill Bryson is one of the few authors who can do it.

At Home: a short history of Private Life is Bryson's examination of how day-to-day life in the west came to be and how our homes became what they are. From the number of tines on a fork, to why the fork was used, to how houses were made, how the industrial revolution changed the way we lived, how bathing went from never to daily, and how a room's function morphed and changed over time to what they are today. Indeed the book's structure goes from room to room of Bryson's own home, explaining its specific history then goes into the broader history of that type of room itself, including the typical contents found there - with furniture and fittings also covered.

The book takes us from the crudest dwellings of the dark ages all the way to the mega-mansions of the idle rich of the 1920s and how the very fabric of society's changes changed how we lived and in turn how we lived changed the very fabric of society - such as the impact better lighting at night had on the growth of literacy and self-education.

It's the sort of book where you suddenly realise it's 3am and really you should have had the light off ages ago.

I can't recommend it enough.

I had a dream ... and not the good MLK kind

I am an inveterate picker. Pick, pick, pick. Feet, the webbing between my big and index toe, scabs (wherever), boils, pimples, ear and nose hairs. You name it, if the body scabs it or grows a hair from there I will pick at it.

I'm pretty sure I have low grade OCD about picking. Part of the delightful cornucopia that is moi.

That's right ladies, I am a cornucopia. Sadly I am also taken so this pharmacy of fun that is me cannot be yours.

On with the show!

I had a dream the other night. A dream of the ultimate pick-off from the body. That of the teeth.

When I progressed from child to manchild, when I had a wiggly child tooth inevitably I'd pick it out. I'd wiggle the fucker back and forth until it was really to be yanked then pull it free with a smile laced with bloodied drool.

I probably then showed it to a girl. Cos girls dig that.

The other night I had a dream. A dream where I reached into my mouth and wiggled an adult tooth back and forth until I snapped it free. I then dropped it on the table in front of me. Rinse and repeat. In and out of my mouth snapping free the teeth and depositing it on a hard wooden surface.

When I woke I immediately tongued my teeth to check all was well.

And it was.

Until today when an ill advised Mentos attempt caused back top righty to sheer off some side enamel . Like many of my other teeth that tooth is now a dental cyborg - more filling than real.

So it's back to the dentist for me to get some additional spack-filling. Fucking hoo-ray. And thank-you weirdly prescient dream. Next time maybe less of the teeth breaking and more lotto numbers please.

Also Mentos should change its tag from 'the fresh maker' to the 'the teeth shatterer'.

It's not just me that feels that way. A google search for "broke a tooth on a Mentos" has 604,000 hits...

If HM was on twitter part 2

While on the the toilet...

I really like to crap by dim light. Makes me feel like I am in a nightclub. Stall needs a mirror ball!

Don't you hate when you have a dag and have to jiggle it off? If cubicle's a rockin' don't come a knockin' !

Guys at a trough urinal. If metal is dry, do you skip side to side to make it all wet?

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Party people won't you tear down your balloons?

If I have my daily walk from home there's a number of different routes I will take. One take me up the street and through a cut through to the main road. This street does not have footpaths which is a tad annoying - esp if you have headphones on cos you have to scan for traffic.

The other day I was passing a house that had previously hosted a kid's party. I could tell because attached to a tree were some balloons.

Over the coming weeks these balloons remained - a long sausage balloon and three spherical ones.

As time passed the balloons shrank. The middle balloon almost disappeared and was largely hidden by the others.

Finally, it had to happen. The shrinkage made the balloons look like old man cock and balls.

So whenever I pass that house I get a Pavlovian reaction of a mental pic of age dessicated meat and two veg.

Please party people. Consider those in view of your elderly genitalia resembling aging balloons.

I am a Persian weaver ... not

There's this myth or legend or what have you that Persian weavers, who in ancient times were the masters of the art of carpet weaving, would deliberately put a wrong stitch in their work. The idea was that they should not dare to challenge perfection by creating a perfect work because only God was perfect.

I wish my mistakes were deliberate. Then I wouldn't have made them.

I signed off on a report the other day some two months in the making. Thousands of copies were printed. Inevitably there will be an error. Sometimes humorous. Sometimes very minor. Sometimes quite big.

This was a big one. A provider had changed there was this entire section on the new provider. Only in the introduction some dated text referring to an old provider as providing a key service was present.

I found out when the old provider called me and asked why they were getting a bunch of calls on it.

Sigh. I should have spotted the error.

Sometimes it's just not worth going into work.

The adjustment

Well I didn't want to inflict my badness on colleagues while my bod adapted to the absence of pro-biotics so I stayed home.

Verdict? Pretty smelly. Some pain, but I was able to produce some Ultra-chocs so that was a blessing. It's pretty sad when in your life a key moment is being able to shit properly like a proper person. I guess it's similar to how a man with a swollen prostate feels when he manages to cut a decent slash.

Right now I'm about a two on the to ten pain scale. Bearable. I'm not being too rank and I have at least have some rumbling pre-shock indicators that I am about to thar he blows so I can get to a safe* spot to left fly.

I believe the route I shall take will be past the triumvirate of the fucked, the three dodgiest people I have worked with in the public service, so if I do let fly on the way to the toilet they shall suffer my stinky wake.

Take that into your back-face.

* I originally typed "save spot" like it was a point in a game. What sort of game would it be? Office Farts? White Collar Rectal Blowing? The great workplace farting adventure? Whatever it was called I don't think it would sell well.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Ultra Choc ruined by chance look in the lav

Y'day the place where Master Chefs apparently shop, Coles, had Sare-Lee ice-cream for $6 a tub.

On a whim I got a tub of Ultra-choc.

When I got home I had half a mug full - yes I prefer ice-cream in a mug.

I had to nuke it a bit first to make it gooey to use a spoon on - otherwise you're in danger of Uri Geller-ing your implement if you try and dig it out.

This made the remains of the Ultra-Choc freeze in a gooey appearing state.

Today I managed a motion.

It looked exactly like my Ultra-Choc of the night before.

Thanks for nothing Sare-Lee!

Abbott signs a pledge

Tony Abbott has attempted to take some of the heat out of will they / won't they on WorkChoices 2.0.

He dashed off an actual signed pledge to Neil Mitchell that WC was consigned to the WC.

As more than one commentator noted in the 2004 election Latham famously signed a giant novelty placard that he would try to keep interest rates low and was laughed at by both the press and the then government.

Abbott said WC was ''dead, buried and cremated''.

I thought for a second he was in danger of melding Robert DeNiro's Al Capone and a Roman Engineer.

'Work Choices is ah dead. It's family is ah dead. It's ah house is burned to the ground. I have ah been there in the depth of a wintery night and I have relieved myself on its ah ashes. I had all its ah structures knocked to the ground. And I got my good friend Barnaby Joyce to bring out ah one of his ah tractors and he ah sowed the ground with salt so nothing can grow there that ah will resemble ah work choices.'

To continue with the salty meme I take Abbott's protestations about the death of Work Choices with a grain of salt. The core theme of work choices - employers to be unfettered by rules and regulations about sacking employees like they have (largely) in the US - is as fundamental a belief as you can get in the Liberal party.

If they get government then they will tinker at the edges to restore some of this power back in their first term ... and if they get both houses in their second well ... it would be interesting times in industrial relations once more. Let's not forget this is a party who created a building commission with the express purpose of getting the construction unions and with powers so broad that those that appeared before it had no ability to plead silence - unlike accused criminals.

Of course I say that as a union member and as a ALP member.

I believe the ability to organise is a fundamental right. The Liberals disagree with that view, and always will. As evidenced by their last term in government. Would they be any different this time around? They say so. Do I believe them?


Monday, July 19, 2010

What a maroon

I was supposed to have my first breath test today.

However I forgot about it until 6am when I woke up with a start and consequently had fucked up on the fasting requirements of the day before. So now I have to travel across the length of the ACT to report in and be told 'no test for you' and re-book.

Oh but that is not all, oh no, that's is not all.

The tests could only be conducted four weeks after I became Mikey two-snakes. Hence the delay in getting to the breathy peeps. As I was reading the test preparation notes - and my fuck up of the day before fast - I noticed there was a dot point on the 'four weeks before cease and desist' that was relevant.

No taking dietary supplements of the stomach bacterial kind. The very kind I take faithfully every day. When I booked in they didn't tell me about it - but then they also said to check the site. But I didn't think to check the site until just now and saw it.

So that means ... another fucking four weeks!


(Manics, blew it up etc.)

Cue meaty slap of palm on forehead.

Sunday, July 18, 2010


I just took off my beard. I clippered it down to a 0. I do this every month or so.

I have to admit, when I have my post clippering shower, I enjoy scraping my nails along my shorn cheeks then squeezing my nails to see dead skin and hairs sprout out onto my finger tips.

If that makes me weird then I apologise...

When I was at school one of my more unpleasant "tricks" was to cultivate thick scabs under my hair, pick one off, then show a girl.

Turns out that on the whole getting girls to like you scheme of things ... showing a freshly plucked head scab isn't recommended.

So ... from then I just showed them to girls I didn't like.

See, I adapted my behaviour. Who says I can't change?!

Well it's game on

So the Federal election is for 21 August.

For those that have moved since last time don't forget to make sure you're enrolled.

Go to to check. The roll has closed but if you're on it you have until Thursday 22 July to change your deets.

To be honest I'm a bit meh about it all. Last time, after 11 years of the H-Man, koo-koo ka choo, I was excited to see the back of him. But now ... well ... maybe it's just me feeling meh but I feel meh about it so far.

Maybe also it's because I think Abbott is such a massive twat I can't think of anyone actually voting for their local member with Abbott in mind as an end result that isn't intellectually impaired in some way. This is a man who as a minister actually went on record as saying his election was more important than the work of his ministry, and applied religious ideology in his role as minister over the whole abortion pill debate. I dislike intensely the power Cardinal George Pell has over him, a man also removed from reality by years of working in an insular organisation, wearing dresses and - I presume - with rather backed up balls.

This is not to say Rudd or Gillard didn't have or don't have their faults. I wish both had manned up on climate change and on refugees both. But that was a policy political thing, not a core ideology and self belief thing.

Anyway, I'll probably get excited a bit later on.

UPDATE: I originally said that I couldn't imagine people voting for Abbott. Except of course that only applies to the unfortunates that dwell in his electorate. So I tweaked to note voting for their member with Abbott in mind instead. Because I am a pedant.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

I broke a nail

It's not astounding news. Especially from a man who routinely removes all his toenails from idle picking.

But it's left index finger nail. It tore off while I was trying to extract my left ring toenail.

It ripped out at the centre, well into the quick, and seeped blood.

The impact has been on my keyboarding. I am a two finger typer but fairly quick and I can type that way without looking at the keyboard.

The loss of left index nail meant however middle finger has been press ganged to take over while index heals. This has dropped my speed and accuracy a fair amount - and it's most annoying because I will forget, plunge down lefty index and yelp with a sharp pain from the missing nail hitting the key.

Far out I hope it heals soon.

When I was at the private school as a kid there was this old boy that spent much of his fading years simply hanging around the school. He was always turning up to events on the school calendar. He was a veteran, with an eye patch. I think he may have even been a WWI vet given his advanced years. He also had a finger patch. A condom of leather snuggly fitting over his index finger and secured in place by a strap that stretched down to his wrist and secured by another strap around that.

I don't know if that leather finger condom was a pressure bandage for sores or an artificial finger or some other kind of digit attachment.

But right now I could do with a finger franger for ease of typing.

Too much sharing

I share too much. Not stuff, though I like to think I will share stuff where it's appropriate to do so. No, I share too much of what I do in the embarrassment department.

The other day, freshly able to dry fart but still suffering unusual tinge of fecal reek, I dry farted.

At my desk.

The putrid stench wafted upward. Fortunately the corral was just populated by me when it happened - but they were coming back.

I rapidly decamped and went around to the other side of the workstation horseshoe unless the smell wafted away.

The lads on the other side are more ... well ... earthy. I like to think normal. They asked what I was doing lurking in their area.

So I told them.

They laughed. Now whenever I'm around their side they ask if I am escaping a noxious emission.

Maybe I shouldn't have been so honest?

Speaking of honest. I had to set up a meeting with someone I'd never met. I was going to meet them at a nearby cafe. So they needed to have a description of me.

I gave it.

'I'm squat. Balding, have glasses and a beard. Me, not the beard.'

My boss was going to come to the meeting. I was going down before her in case this person turned up early - and the boss and her had already met so had no identification problems like I did.

So I told the boss about my self portrait in words.

'Ha ha,' she said. 'You did not say that.'

I sent her a copy of the email where I did say that.

She was shocked. She said 'You can't say that sort of stuff to a stakeholder.' Then she started laughing at what I had done. Later she said that I shouldn't put myself down like that - especially to someone I had never met.

You know I do that. I regularly volunteer my crapness - my fucked physicality, my quirks - some endearing most not, and my large in work failures.

I suspect I am shooting myself before they can shoot me. That I have the power, the upper hand if I clear the decks with the comments about me that way before they can. That if I hurt myself before they even have the chance to then maybe I won't be hurt if they try. Like I can say to myself 'beat you' or that their comments don't have power over me.

It's probably a hang over from earlier life back at school and uni when people back then felt free to be overtly mean, rude, critical right to your face. In the work environment you just can't behave that way. If you're overtly rude or hostile or critical you quickly get a reputation and if your manager is any good they will pull you up on it - certain notable exceptions aside.

Anyway I am going to resolve to be a little less down on myself or volunteer my shitness like I do. It's not helping me, is it?

UPDATE: Fixed the typo in the header - thanks Casso!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Blogwatch - Until it Kills Me

I was listening to JJJ while on my walk. I don't usually listen to JJJ - unless it's Hack (530-6pm), but today I was lucky to be listening 'cos I heard an awesome interview with a mortician who blogs. See below for the link to the ABC show for today. You can get to the podcast from there.

JJJ Drive time for 14 July 2010

Her blog is called Until it kills me.

It was a great interview, totally worth listening to. And, given my on again off again fear of mortality, I found it a comforting listen.I know if I pop my clogs I'd want her to make me look purty.

I will now peruse her bloggy goodness with much anticipation.

At one point they asked why she did it. She answered that'd she go nutty sitting behind a desk and staring at a computer.

That is my job experience in essence - desk / computer staring.

And today ... I was feeling nutty staring at a computer.

In fact I had a double helping of nutty because I was actually flipping between staring at two different computers that sit on my desk.

But I did have a creative burst so that made me feel better.

Bathtime fun - just add sharks

A while back we went to an aquarium. During our visit we bought a pack of plastic sharks for the noodles man.

I remember walking back along the nearby boardwalk - a shark nestled in my top pocket as we'd opened the packet and given him a few to play with - and I just started singing.

'There's a shark on my nipple and it's giving it a squeeze, giving it a squeeze, giving it a squeeze. There's a shark on my nipple and it's giving it a squeeze ... in the most delightful way...'

Good times.

Recently a bunch of the sharks entered the Thunderdome that is the Noodles watery play pen.

The bath.

So when I am master of ceremonies I get a normal shark and he gets a hammer head. Normal shark likes to hop along the edge like he's running and shout 'SHOES' 'cos he's seen a crate fall off a ship and he wantee! TheNoo yells SHOES too and the hammer head follows.

Then hammer head falls into the bath and normal shark goes looking for him. 'You okay mate? Yeah, can I have a chew on your head flange?'

Then I try and stick normal shark's mouth over the hammer head's head but theNoo drags him back under the water. Then it's diving time - theNoo flips his into the air and I chuck mine up and over the glass partition between the shower and the bath so normal shark drops into the water with a splunk.

Today the flannel monster turned up and did battle with the sharks. 'Arrrghh, flannel monster. Look it's absorbing water! It's unnatural!'

Sharks at bathtime are kewl.

UPDATE: The kids, and their music, might not know what
the Thunderdome is. That just makes me sad.

Damn you belly

I as a rule do not wear ties. In today's modern public service we don't have to. As long as we're neatly presented, it's okay.

However... certain occasions demand it. Job interviews and functions.

So I have three ties at work in my cupboard, just in case.

Today I had to attend a function. This not only meant a tie ... but a pants tuck. As in into my pants.

I am a heavy-set man and dislike tucking in my shirt. It, along with the tie, reminds me of the fucked in the head private school I was sent to on the grounds that I was mildly different.

So tucked in I was, and tie clad I became. Off we went to the function.

Only ... on the way there I stopped off at the lav.

Now because I generally am untucked my shirt typically falls past where my junk snugly resides behind the wall of my pants. But my pants this day were thin - even if black - and post ablution I was worried I was suffering front spotage - a tiny dot of seep through from penis head to undies to pants.

But ... how would I know? How could I when my large stomach was in the way?

Ah, I thought in a light bulb moment. I have a camera with a phone. While in the lift on the way down I took out the phone and surreptitiously attempted to shoot photos of my crotch.

Alas the results were ... inconclusive. I couldn't tell given the dark pants and the small size of my phone screen.

It was later in the car that I realised that I didn't know whether or not the lift itself had a camera...

But ... I'm a lady

Yes, I just engaged in another gratuitous googling of Harrangueman mentions in the past month.

No, not many. I am like a regional cheese only enjoyed by the extra fingered locals.

However this is a particularly hilarious result courtesy of I assume a poorly constructed search engine slash blog robot.

Yes my wimping out on a formal dinner post was captured in the sweep across the intertubes for exciting news in the field of ladies formal wear.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Adios Harv

Harvey Pekar died.

Check out his obit at the washpost here.

Harvey was a blogger. He was a blogger before there was a web. He just did it in comic form. Or essay form.

I think this bit of the obit sums it up best.

The largely autobiographical comic series portrayed Mr. Pekar -- inevitably dressed in a flannel shirt and corduroy pants -- as a rumpled, depressed filing clerk in a Veterans Administration hospital. He filled the stories with wry observations about his frustrations with work and human relationships and what Mr. Pekar called "the 99 percent of life that nobody ever writes about."

"The humor of everyday life is way funnier than what the comedians do on TV," Mr. Pekar once said. "It's the stuff that happens right in front of your face when there's no routine and everything is unexpected. That's what I want to write about."

It's so true. I first came across Pekar when I saw a compilation of American Splendor as a fat graphic novel at Impact Comics here in Canberra. I think it was about the time the excellent movie based on it was out, staring Paul Giamatti as Pekar.

It was a revelation. Day to day grind as a backdrop for moments of poetry or the absurdity of modern life. He was irascible, easily outraged, and intensely passionate and interested in key topics that captured his fascination.

He was in essence a blogger, some 30 years ahead of his medium, willing to drop a couple of grand a year from his own pocket to get his views out there and achieve something creative.

Now ... now we have it on tap. Anyone one of us can now project our views for effectively free to potentially anyone on the planet.

And that's only happened in my lifetime. In my adult lifetime.

Harvey Pekar was a visionary. Good on him for taking the time and effort to be him and to use his day to day life as a palette to paint from.

Monday, July 12, 2010

New release goodness - In the Loop

TheWife and I mostly get our movie fare as new releases from the local DVD shop. Basically, once you have a kidlet then movie going out time - and we went to the movies practically weekly - is severely reduced. It really only happens if theWife's mum is in town or we take a mutual day off work and theNoo is in day care.

We share each other's likes for DVDs for the most part, but now and then if theWife is not around then I can branch out into Mikey-likes, like bang-bang serious action stuff or political themed dramas or dramedys.

Recently my Mikey like was this one - In the loop.

Don't click if you don't want spoilers. The basic non-spoiler back-of-the-box teaser (from Wiki) is as follows: The President of the United States and the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom are looking to launch a war in the Middle East. The plot follows government officials and advisers in their behind-the-scenes efforts either to promote the war or prevent it

Just awesome - especially for sector seven G drones that work in the hallowed halls of the civil service. It's even a little painful in spots because of its near brush with reality in how political meets government.

So if you're a fan of The West Wing, Yes Minister, Yes Prime Minister, The Hollowmen, and other smart political drama or satire then you will love this.

When Sh becomes F...

At last my odyssey is over. I can proudly play the arse trumpet and only expect ringing loud noises from my brassy arse-bell instead of a squelch meets a warm brownish near-liquid.

There were, however, a couple of false starts.

I'd say the eye of this storm happened late Saturday morning when I crawled into the big-bed, assuring the other occupant the worst was over, and planning on catching up on sleep. Within 30 seconds of inhabitation the worst event of all occurred. So bad in fact theWife had to feed me a plastic bag through the crack of the toilet door so I could dispose of the affected clothing for good after ensuring safe removal ala level one decontamination procedures.

There was no way those boys were making it back on the rotation team.

But I've successfully vuvuzel'ed a few times tonight without the viscous "after-taste" and I can now declare this case-closed.

Except of course that the accompanying smell is decidedly pungent and practically needs an Australian Quarantine official to herald before me armed with a trusty can of aerosol disinfectant.

Fuck Glen-20; I need 50 stat.

Oh, given the title of this post, I'd like to thank the Spice Girls for their delicious ability to provide puns for future musings.

Here's the girls celebrating with me. One of them sharts. Try to guess which one... I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

A little conversation with my lunch

TheWife made some awesome sausage rolls. Despite my journey from full to empty on the weekend I managed to chow down three of them, taking an hour to do so. Hooray!

There were four left over. Today, feeling a little better, I had them for lunch. I decided to slice them up and place upon the slices slivers of cheese - yes, slivers given my dodgy guts - before heating.

As I was distributing slices of cheese I realised I'd run out of cheese. My sausage roll slivers to cheese ratio was too high.

'Oh no,' I said. 'I will take some from you.' - and I broke a bit of cheese off one of the larger slivers.

'Hey, that's mine,' I said, representing the interests of the slice that had lost partial sliver coverage.

Yep, I'd gone into Gollum self-argument mode over my sausage rolls. Also, for some reason, the sausage roll slice that had its cheese taxed had a high voice.

I blame theNoo for that. When he has conversations between his toys one inevitably adopts a high voice.

At any rate I was clearly practicing 're-distribution of wealth'. So I half expect right wingers to ...

... "whey" in at this point?!

The Chiro, round two

Chiropractors encounter a fair amount of whiffery in their work. Either passive such as bad breath from a punter - I always brush my teeth before I go if I have the opportunity - or body odor, or active because of their manipulation. When you're bending people back and forth it tends to have a bellows effect on the old innards.

So there's this manuever where they drop you on your side and push one of your legs up. They then knee down on your thigh.


Currently I'm still suffering the sharts.

So when that was done that caused movement at the station ... and I did a dot of a shart.

I had to pause the treatment to dash to the loo. By dash I mean the butt clench hold it in fast waddle.

Luckily I made it.


I'm glad they have air freshener on the sill. They needed it. Also they need their lock fixed because while I had locked the door - the handle no longer turning - the door still could be opened.

So, so glad I made it in time. Otherwise I'd have had to leave the clinic with a gladbag tied around my waist...

Sunday, July 11, 2010

It finally happened ... finally happened...

Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, it's all right. I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr... Poopy Pants? - Naked Gun 2 1/2.

The past couple of days have been a bit tragic for the old HM, what with a corked back and all ... and an inability to shit. Yes my infamous bowels compacted again, and I'm pretty sure it was the half litre of ice-cream that did it, leaving me with an IBS fever.

Yes, you can get so compacted you end up in a fever state. At 3am on Saturday morning I was completely doolalee. I writhed and moaned and soaked the under-sheet with sweat.

Come Saturday, now mostly compus, all I ate was a couple of chocolate squares and some weetabix.

That and parachoc - which is a baby laxative "chocolate vanilla" flavoured foam. It's hideous.

Extreme gut pain returned Sunday morning and once more I went into a fevered state. Finally I woke in agony, turned on the light, and lay there whimpering wishing and praying - hey no one's an atheist in a fox-hole - for something to happen.

Yeah ... it happened. A nice liquidy shart.

Unfortunately for me, because I'd been all fevered, I'd dropped trou earlier to writhe naked - all bloated sweaty and hairy. Fortunately I hadn't changed the sheets which I'd sweat laced the night before. But still it's an awesome experience to be in your late 30s stripping your bed because of a nocturnal emission ... except it wasn't even of the good Las Vegas kind.

So now, about five trips to the lav later for explosive liquid disposal, I am starting to feel a little better. I saw dawn come in, that's nice, and spent most of my time lying on my old sleeping bag from when I was a kid on top of the foam underlay of a stripped off bed reading a 90s political thriller I've always meant to read.

At least the gut pain has dropped from a 9 to a 4 on the ten pain scale. Which is lucky because I've run out of pain killers that cause minimal constipation - and last time I was at the doc when I got it refilled I got a lecture about pain killer consumption.

I admit ... on occasion ... I may have taken a pill or two when not strictly required because I got a buzz from it. But that's a rarity. For the most part I take pain killers to turn the dial on the pain meter down a couple of points to background noise instead of screaming gut clenching sweat cascading agony.

Anyway, that's my Sunday experience. My breath tests start soon and maybe once and for all I will nail down what causes this. Fucking hell, I hope so. I hate how this ebbs and flows. I suspect it's lactose intolerance - and I probably had it all my life but didn't know that the usual experience of not having gut pain was enjoyed by other people. Go figure.

Back to the sleeping bag ... or maybe a round of Warlords II.

TheNoo had an awful night. TheWife ended up giving up and taking him into bed with her. I went in to check since he wasn't in his room. He's all curled up, his large eyes closed in peaceful slumber.

Lucky bastard!

Thursday, July 08, 2010

HM Recycled

I admit my ability to photoshop is poor at best, especially compared to the skills sets of the Bevester and Casso.

But ... in a purely ego driven moment of googling for links to this blog I found that my work had been re-used.

Furthermore it was used in laughing at Republicans.

That was like the icing on my 'hey my pic was used' cake.

Go me! I believe I shall strut.

The back crack

I have a sketchy back. Now and then I get a twinge that hurts for days. Or, if I am really unlucky, I get a severe strain that can drop me to the floor.

I am a large man in the weight sense. Short in the height sense. My weight hangs like a captured balloon static clinging to my belly. Hence why I get occasional back flare-ups.

Today, whilst at the urinal, I turned. My back had been twinging for days. It super-twinged and took my breath away. I went back to me desk, munged pain pills, and got everything I needed to be done before I took my wounded bod off to the Chiro.

I hadn't seen him for nearly eight months. He gave me a spinal adjustment.

He is also a giant. I think at least six foot six. He's one of the few in town that well do the over-the back lift foot dangle.

Before we started he said this.

'You haven't had this for a while. So in the short term ... this is going to hurt.'

He wasn't wrong. Especially after the multiple cracking.

I was a fruit salad bowl of middle back pain at home and I had a cold pack on for about two hours. When I got up the hot blood of my blood flowed into that area.

I nearly dropped to the ground. TheWife was so concerned she rang up the clinic in case I needed to go back in. But, after a shower and some more meds, I felt a lot better.

I have noticed however that when I have a corked back my gait resembles that of a well known Batman villain...

The dangers of moohvies

TheNoo likes movies. His faves are animated movies from Pixar / Dreamworks.

At the moment a particular favourite is Madagascar. Which is lucky for us because on repeat viewings it's not that annoying.

When I was a kid my brothers and I would bags being TV characters in the show we were watching. We'd have drag out chair-throwing fights over it; G-Force, The A-Team, Playschool etc. - "I'm Benita!" / "No, I AM" (swoosh of chair being launched).

It annoyed our parents. Probably one of the dot points in their decision to restrict our TV viewing.

TheNoo independently reached the whole 'bags being X' all by himself. He got a bunch of his cars movie cars, named them after the Madagascar characters and set about recreating scenes.

Then he decided to assign characters from Madagascar to the household members.

When I was a kid I usually ended up with the shitty characters - Tiny, Murdoch or John for example.

Well ... Circle of Fucking Life.

TheNoo claimed Alex for himself. Because Mummy is a girl, she got Gloria.

And me? Did I get Chris Rock's sassy Marty the Zebra? Did I? Did I get labelled that because I am always cracking the wise and saying funny stuff and doing funny things?


No I did not.

Fucking Melman.

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Ah IT Ghost!

Today I had an IT lad remote in.

At our work they've set it up so if they know the barcode of your box they can remotely access your machine and perform their magic there and then. You can even show them what's wrong then let go of the mouse for them to fix it.

As I saw my cursor skitter across my screen seemingly of its own accord I felt like it needed commentary.

'It's like I'm in an episode of The Ghost Whisperer,' I said in awe. 'Only I don't have big boobs.'

The IT tech laughed, bless him.

'... I'm more of an A-Cup,' I added.

Later I told the story of my hilarious wit to S, and M the contractor, and they laughed harder at that last line than the excellence of the Big Boobs effort.


Yellow Glenned

While at the shops I noticed Yellow Glen - a sweet sparkling citrus flavoured white wine - was on special.

I don't drink wine, but theWife does, so I got her a bottle.

As I closed in on the door at home I remembered how as painfully poor students we'd once pooled our meager money together and bought a six pack of VB stubbies ... only to drop the bag on the way out of the bottle-o.

One survived.

TheWife was excited by the Yellow Glen. She cracked the YellowGlen. She balanced the YellowGlen on the edge of the counter ... where it promptly fell off.

It landed upright, the bottle remaining intact. The liquid inside however, excited by its surprising trip to the ground, shot out of the bottle in a great geyser lasting fully three seconds, impacting on the ceiling near the light and spraying wine spittle across a three metre radius.

The great gout of sparking wine was however partially interrupted ... by theWife's nose ... the liquid shooting up her schnoz. She spluttered and gurgled and garbled as the wine powered up her nostrils.

Eventually ... eventually the geyser ceased, leaving YellowGlen rain to fall a pitter-pat onto us and all our tat in the area.

'So,' I asked theWife. 'What did that taste like?'

UPDATE: A glass and a half is all that is left.

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Sigh ...

I am a paid up member of the ALP and a unionist. You can see it above.

It doesn't mean I agree with all that the ALP does or unions do. However I feel it is better to be in than be out and bitching.

Represent, y'all.

So ... am I happy with the new "correction" to the policies regarding boat people - assuming they're implemented.

No, I'm not. We take less than 14k refugees a year. We take I think around 300,000 migrants in total annually - though I believe that includes temp residency.

Refugees are a response, by and large, to crisis in a homeland. Be it war, resource access, persecution, and other conditions that drive people to pick up and leave.

We should take more and do our bit to help.

I am glad the PM took the time to spell out numbers and to lam-bast the Libs for their grubby race-card politics. I just wish that in order to shore up support in key seats inhabited by less than educated ozzers, based on their primacy of concern on the issue and their presumed lack of understanding about numbers, resulting geo-political forces, and the fact refugees and immigrants do not take jobs but in fact create them, the ALP hadn't had then gone on to muse on the idea of an off shore facility.

Oh, don't get me wrong. The proposed model is still better and fairer than the Liberal's Pacific Solution model that combined detaining people in a shitty slice of barren coral on a reclaimed rubbish dump with temporary protection visas. It's still however a step to the right where the ignorant dwell.

Great leaders lead. They educate the need for a policy and their steer the public towards it. For all his faults Howard did that on occasion, even if the "educate" part involved spending a billion plus in govie ads for his policies. Great leaders also do on occasion stick to a principle. Gillard in opposition went the Libs for the Pacific Solution. Now she's proposed a semi-Indian ocean solution that's more like that model than the current solution. That's not sticking to a principle.

I understand political realities mean on occasion having to present a model or policy that is not one hundred percent effective or desired because of the worries, thoughts, influence of certain slivers of Australiana. I do.

But telling middle-aged climate change denying ill-educated 'tards they 'have a right to be concerned' when it comes to boat people - then presenting a policy that addresses their 'concerns' - isn't leading. It's pandering. And I don't like it.

However, that being said, I am a member of the ACT Labor party - not the federal party - and I can stand up with pride for that because of all the comrades in the Labor movements of Australia - we're the most informed, we have a direct line to our reps, and our reps listen to our concerns and they do their best to help people. And, they stand up for principles like rights for same sex preferred Australians and for civil rights in the face of Laura Norder crap.

And I bet you my trusty groat the vast bulk of ACT members feel the same way.

So I'm stayin' in.

Peace out comrades.