Friday, June 11, 2010

Area canberra retail space owner of a shop that's hard to let remembers what was

Canberra, ACT: Area retail space owner, Beck Timson, today lamented at what Canberra's recent fireworks ban has done to his one to two days a year of letting that abandoned storefront - you know the one, the one that never has any fucking shops in it - at your local shopping centre.

'The government may have well raped me in the wallet,' said Timson. 'Their short sighted ban has cost me dearly - at least a hundred bucks in cash that I never bothered to actually put on the books.'

'The fuckers,' he added.

The fireworks ban, brought in last year to make the Australian Capital Territory in line with all other states and territories - apart from the Northern Territory who continue to celebrate the festival of ruined digits - was a measure, according to the government killjoys, to save both distress of animals, prevent bogans from being even more bogany, as well as reducing waiting times at emergency as the doctor didn't have to sew some bogan's fingers back on.

'Thousands of animals are no longer terrified and bolt from the home and Emergency Departments are not inundated with blood soaked flannelette and Metallica T-Shirts as gunpowder coated citizens do not clog the system,' said a sneering bureaucrat who thinks he knows better than people just because he's got metrics and stuff he can point to over the idiocy that was the impact of allowing fireworks before the ban.

'Furthermore by banning fireworks it means those Canberrans who live within a kilometre of parkland or future development space don't have to be woken at three am over the next month because some fuckwit has some left over bangers and decided to not only left them off but perform some "circle work" with his hotted up hoon car on the way out,' added the snarky bureaucrat.

Timson wandered around his vacant shop space, mournfully recreating his actions post use by firework vendors when he sprayed air freshener around the eerily quiet room - save for the faint hiss of perfumed air - in order to cover up the odor of unwashed bikie leathers and bong residue.

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