Kicked in the guts by a pair of wellingtons

It’s no secret. I love food. If I didn’t love food I’d be half the man I am.

I especially love delicious food. I know, that seems like a no brainer. But I won’t mindlessly munch on through food I have no real interest in munching through. I have gastronomic standards.

Which are easily met … such as eating cheese and raw pastry.

The other day I woke with a particularly bad set of guts. Like tears to the eyes bad. I phoned in work to say I’d be late, took a handful of painkillers and tried to sleep it off.

I did not sleep it off.

But about 1030 there was movement at the station and suddenly I was pain free and in a narcotic daze. Alas I was too awake to sleep so I lay on the couch for an hour ‘floating’. As I floated I thought of my wellington pies.

I remember the first time I gazed on a picture of beef wellington in one of my mum’s cook books. Rare roast beef … wrapped in a cocoon of pastry. Holy snapping duckshit what’s not to like about that?! I wanted it, oh how I wanted it. But I never got to have it. In fact I don’t think I have ever had it.

So wellington pies? What’s that then.

Well, I’m glad you asked. You take two ALDI all beef aussie patties … a sheet of pastry … and some cheese. Then you combine to form two “pies”. Basically pastry, cheese, beef, cheese pastry with the sides of the pastry pinched shut. Then into the convection on 210 for 25 minutes.

So … are they good? Well, yes. But they are filling. And as you’ve guessed if you suffer chronic pain from food moving through the system … well it’s a fair chunk of meat and dairy to insert into the colon matrix.

I was floating on the couch, on the cusp of sleep, thinking about food … and about wellington pies. When I cracked the 90 minute mark I decided therefore that’s what I would have.

I cooked two up, intending on taking one to work to have for lunch later. But … the first one was so, so good … that I ate the next one.

I was full. Xmas lunch full. And that was before the second one was eaten. Afterwards I would not have been surprised to see my deep sunken belly button pop out of the hole like the fucked in the head asteroid dwelling space worm from Empire Strikes Back.

Off I went to work.

After about a kay … the gut pain revisited. It was the ugly step-cousin that has anger control issues of the pain I’d had when I had woken that morning. So bad that I had the shakes and pain sweats. If I didn’t have a bunch of shit to do at work that day I think I probably would have turned the car around, gone back home, rolled out of the door and crawled towards the house.

That put paid to wellington pies for a while I think. It’s become my electrified cupcake.