The Weekly World News Beans Diet

Well ... turns out I have gummed up bowels. The rectal area - you know, the poop chute - is clear. But the upper tract is cemented in with lots and lots and lots of the brown stuff.

It's been building for weeks apparently. Since I had surgery back in 2007 I've eaten less vegies and grains - because they're harder to digest for me. Except, the knock on was less fibre. I took supplements for that - but I was taking them in a dumb way and making matters worse. So I stopped.

The result. Severe constipation. So severe in fact, I have what's known as "spurious diarrhea". That's where the only bits that can get past the blockage is liquidy stuff.

I'm not in serious medical danger from this. Except that it causes acute pain, nausea, and delirium - all of which has been experienced by me during our celebratory week (our birthdays and anniversary all fall within a seven day range).

So, the doc prescribed ... baked beans. Basically I have to chow down on fibrous foods only, and drink lots of fluid (laced with benefiber). If I do so then gradually the blockage will start to shift. Well, that's the theory.

Unfortunately what's coming out is still the spurious kind. I can't risk farting in case of follow through so I am stuck in the house and I have the door to the toilet open to cut down on time to get seated.

It's incredibly painful. Incredibly embarrassing and a reminder that eating properly is a very important part of your health.

All-bran should fuck off their comedic efforts with advertising. All they need to do is show a toilet door accompanied by the muted soft sounds of pain wracked weeping.