‘Richard isn’t just a celebrity news reporter – he is a celebrity,’ said an unnamed producer. ‘And as a B lister on the cusp of A-listing, he needs to maintain an edge. His face is his job.’
Left: It begins...Unfortunately for Wilkins looking good has, like for so many celebs, come at a price. In that showing any form of emotion other than mild surprise has become somewhat difficult – due to the injection of agents, originally developed out of bio warfare research, to smooth facial wrinkles.
‘Richard’s face is the emotive antithesis of a tampon box,’ said the producer, referring to how the packaging of feminine hygiene products often spruiks the numerous physical activities a lady can enjoy while using a device such as horse riding, swimming, pole vaulting, and Parkour. ‘He can’t cry, laugh, sing, or engage in any other emotion dependent on large scale facial movement. Therefore he needs the occasional mechanical assistance.’
The assistance in this case came in the form of artificial tear ducts, saline solution fed through micro flesh coloured tubes funneled through Wilkins’ elaborate coifed hair and along cheekbones and up to the inner corner of his eyes. The system designed to produce droplets in the manner of a garden irrigation system at the press of a button concealed in Wilkins’ hand.
‘Alas we didn’t explain the operation to Wilkins, who assumed the control was used in the same manner as the pain medication release button you find in post operative theatres attached to day surgeries, and he pressed it several times, assuming there would be a cut off point…’
Wilkins’ 'eyedrobe malfunction' soaked numerous panelists and special guests, all of whom had something to do with Jackson – such as the hotel maid that serviced Jackson’s room when he was in Australia and married Debbie Rowe (”eees generous tipper”) to that idiot with the bejewelled half fez that’s always dragged out for musical identity commentary when anyone remotely famous karks it.
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