Shut it down

I am big on non confrontations. I dislike arguments, find disagreements objectionable, and am otherwise Mr Passivity. I'd much rather turn a match up into a figure out - where both parties feel like they got something. My old librarian - the one with the moustache and respiratory issues - once called me a manipulator. I suppose she's right - I am. In the sense that I try to manipulate disagreements to take the sting out of them.

As you maybe aware, Backy McStab, the person who killed dead my chosen career stream by a malicious and evil spirited referee's report, has moved to near my door at work. I have to take a long way around to avoid seeing them. I am terrified if they engage me in conversation I will unload on them a stream of vitriol for their incredibly fucked action lo so many years past. And I admit I've had fantasy conversations where I did exactly that.

But ... what would that give me? Seriously? Momentary righteous pride ... then guilt and fear and my having to avoid that section of the building even more carefully.

Today Backy queued up behind my turn at the microwave. I saw them waiting for their turn when I returned from the lav. I admit I waited a good 20 feet away, hoping they'd walk off before the oven bipped. Luckily they did - going to the microwave on the other side. My heart was pounding at the near encounter.

I got back to my desk and as it so happened A had emailed me to ask about Backy. I got to talking about the "crime" and all that guff when A said something that was pretty spot on common sense.

'You have to let these things go or they eat at you.'

They do eat at you. I hold grudges for a long time. The bus bully that became a junkie for example - still hate him and I laughed when I found out his life went to shit.

But this doesn't accomplish much, does it? I could rage, rage against the fucked. But that would just make me angry, hot, and sad in the end.

Besides, the adage that the best revenge is living well is pretty much true. They wrote I should never be promoted - I was - without going to interview. They said I was bad at my job - but I got promoted a rank and stayed in the same job because I rawk its tasty socks off. They said I showed poor judgement - but my new boss has emailed my big boss and told him how glad he is with me being here.

So in the words of Liz Lemon when the crab started to get it off with the worm, I'm shutting this down. Backy McStab may be a piece of shit - but I am a better person than them and they were utterly wrong in what they said.

When I see them, I will be polite, maybe even smile. But that's it - because I am letting this go so it doesn't eat at me.