Nothing to see here, move along

Dear alien archaeologists. If you're reading this I presume the human civilisation is long gone and you're trying to make head and tail of the human race. By the way the head is where the sensory organs and brain are and the tail - well - we don't have one.

Anyway, if you are reading this there's a slim chance this is all that is left of said human race and you're going to attempt to map an entire civilisation around it.

You poor sorry silly fucks.

I am an aberrant human example. I am shorter, hairier, and fatter than typical, and live in one of the wealthiest most resource rich countries on the planet. The average human does not live as well as me - or rather have access to better resources. Indeed, if all humans had the same level of resource access as me the planet would have been much more well fucked well earlier than it was.

Which given the recent issue of The Monthly is soon for us. Eeep. Who would have thought that we could advance so quickly in so short a time and fuck everything up so much during the process? Stupid karma.

Back to business.

It must suck balls, or whatever you store your genetic material in to mix and match to another member of your species assuming, of course, you're not asexual which, let's face it, you aliens all seem to be judging from the reports of mountain folk who got taken up with perversions performed on their anuses, that I am the only record of humanity at large apart from assorted space junk. Based on me you're probably wondering why we had such a fascination with going to the toilet? What's was the deal with that foot picking thing? How is it we managed to create a complex cultural environment if we kept opening our mouths and saying stupid offensive things?

Again, I have to rienforce that I am not the usual human. Oh I don't have super powers. Though I do have double jointed little fingers which the ladies like (they don't). But you can't base an idea of (wo)man around my experiences, my live, my loves, my hates.

But that's the thing isn't it? There's no such thing as a typical human. We're all different - even beyond the basic genetic thing. Different - but on broad strokes the same with the same basic needs and wants. Macro same, micro notsame.

Anyway, keep digging. Find some other record to base humanity on. I am not the one. But if I am the one, and you try and create a picture of what I looked like, my penis was like super huge. It looked like a fucking doorsnake.