Friday, February 29, 2008

Mysterious host suffers unfortunate frontal spotting

Fantasy Island, somewhere in the pacific (I think); Mr Roarke, enigmatic Latino mastermind of the mystical "Fantasy Island" today suffered a urinatory mishap when he failed to shake the last couple of drops free before returning his impressive manhood to his pants.

The sultry voiced MC of the misnamed fantasy island, an island whose fantasies were not actual fantasies as such but rather provided solutions to problems that lead you to spent presumably tens of thousands of dollars on a fantasy escape instead of confronting the actual issues at hand (which the magical isle then solved for you even though you hadn't asked it to), who wears a trademark white suit, failed to then notice that his choice of garment therefore made it apparent to those nearby that the misfortune had occurred.

Mr Roarke was fortunately alerted to the problem by his diminutive assistant "Tattoo".

'A stain! A stain!' had cried the small frenchman pointing at Mr Roarke's crotch.

'My goodness you are correct my tiny friend. It appears I have not shaken my penis as well as I could have. Excuse me,' had responded Mr Roarke who was later seen balancing on a chair under a hot air hand blower in the gents just off the marina.




------------

On a side note today I wore my light pants. Fortunately as a generously ampled person who wears their shirts untucked, the problem was not readily apparent.

Dodged a bullet

When a new boss+ comes into an area they like to stamp their presence across it. One way is moving people out of jobs and into other jobs and so forth.

W is a big lovely bloke. Unfortunately for him he lacks a killer instinct so his rank is lower than the average for his means of entry into the org. Which makes him vulnerable to stamping themed moves.

So today he got moved. He was clearly pissed off about it and fair enough since he'd had no input whatsoever.

I was going to have a staffing meeting today with the boss so I bought it forward to attend an off site meeting. Knowing W had been moved I feared the worst.

But no, I simply report to the next layer down (so boss-) from now on and have been given some extra work to do.

So I really dodged a bullet esp since as a specialist skill type the type of report writing I do is often greatly undervalued as bosses struggle to see why they are produced. There's a process of I guess re-educating them when they come in to justify why you exist.

Somehow boss did that on my behalf and I live to fight another day. W doesn't. He goes from a job he enjoyed, and working with people he liked, to a job he probably won't and people he doesn't know. I wish him all the best and hope that his job seeking elsewhere bears fruits.

Unfortunately his going means a chunk of work he did for me comes back to me. Which will suck.

Anyway I have survivor's guilt. You know, you're happy for yourself and feel bad for feeling happy when others did not get to be so happy.

I hate work re-orgs. Especially the stampy kind. Still probably should have known it was coming given Boss+ said 'duty statements are worthless' and 'I can move anyone anywhere whenever I want and they can just do new work' even though such arbitrary movement A) pissed people off and B) they typically walk and take all their knowledge with them.

But as long as that new authority has been stamped on the area then well no problem.

Area man taps wrong part of head to indicate his "intelligence"

I was at a farewell lunch today. Anyway, at some point I said some sort of self promoting thing like 'see, I'm a thinker'. Only I didn't tap my forehead, I tapped my nose. Thus undercutting completely the point that I was a thinker.

Good one mimmo.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Area gambling official embarrasses colleagues at lotto draw

Channel 9 Studios, Sydney; Area gambling official, Tony Vastarkis today embarrassed his two other officials assembled as a panel of three to oversee that night's draw by actually demanding to see and feel the balls to be put in play.

'Can you fucking believe it?!' said Christine Moon, fellow panelist to other fellow panelist Mark. 'He's actually trying to provide oversight.'

Vastarkis had bought scales with him and, using notes obtained from the manufacturer of lotto balls, weighed each ball to ensure they were not overweighted and therefore more likely to settle at the bottom and be picked up by the scoop.

'We're just supposed to look at the machine, nod, and maybe sign a piece of paper. Not handle each and every ball, holding up to the light like a chicken breeder checks eggs. We look like fucksticks.'

Vastarkis is also the sort of person who at the end of a hour long brief where everyone is itching to leave the meeting asks follow on questions in an effort to show his intelligence as opposed to actually elicit a genuine response of information sought.

The lotto draw was held up by 23 minutes as Vastarkis repeated the weigh to ensure accurate measurements before adding his authorisation to allow the ball picking to go ahead, annoying the spangly dress woman who has like six words to say while gleaming at punters with her enormous teeth above dress straining breasts and the elaborately coiffed fuckstick in a suit who reads out the numbers that appear and tries to come up with interesting facts like 'seven, a lucky number that' or 'thirteen, considered unlucky by some' or 'Forty seven, the number of fucking chromosomes I have.'

Area blogger Harrangueman also said he found lotto draws to be a complete waste of space time and that he will never get those moments back.

Nice one boss plus

Boss plus's interference in my job knows no limits. Fresh from demanding final say in what went into my reports (then deciding it was too late to do it even though I gave her two fucking weeks to have a say) I discovered she'd been emailing senior people, claiming it was 'her report', and not including me in the chain of correspondence. The person who actually does all the work.

Yay for when upper management takes an interest...

Post brief worries

Today I stepped in at work to give a brief to new starters about basic admin stuff. Normally a subject matter expert gives it. So to that effect where the notes said 'offer to take questions' I said I wouldn't.

The brief went well. I wasn't that nervous - though I confess to having practiced in the shower the last couple of nights (though getting the powerpoint slides in was a bitch) - and even managed to throw in a few jokes that weren't painful dad/Christmas cracker groaners.

Although I did ad-lib a few times and went off message.

Now, like post interview, I am having cringy flashbacks to what I said as being perhaps incredibly inappropriate. No one came up to me afterwards and said 'um ... that was a tad dodgy' however. Most said it was good.

Anyway, there was this bit about security stuff - to whit don't leave a key in a cabinet when you're not going to be at your desk cause people may take a look at your stuff. It was at that point I remembered that I had left a key in my cabinet. So naturally I told the entire audience.

Good one fuckstick.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

♫ ♪ ♫ All by myself ♫ ♪ ♫

When discussing the week's events with your absent partner don't be telling them about how you encountered a cat's lung sausage at 3 am because then she will demand you change the sheets.

I'm ... detecting from you e-ladies (and some lads) that I probably should have done that anyway. In my defence it was one of the hard sausages not the liquidy ones.

Anyway I agreed. And I have successfully changed the king sized doona. Yes, I know, it's most lame to brag about basic bed clothing application but you see previous attempts at doona into doona cover have resulted in much swearing and frustration. This is the first time it was half way decent. Mid way through I was like 'Could it be? Have I ... succeeded? No HM - don't jinx it.'

And then I did. True story.

Now that's a fvcked morning

This morning I ate some toast. Nothing extraordinary in that - a perfectly sane food to eat. I ate the crust (aka the heel).

Only last year I had stomach surgery.

Sharp shards of toast meet injury.

The end results was it was stuck on my esophagus. It could not be shifted. The pain was intense and last about 40 minutes. I threw up great globs of spitty half digested toast about five or six times in different parts of the house. I'd cough and up it would come. I was about a minute off calling the ambos when I found a comfortable position, on my knees, head tilted up at the skylight above the great white phone.

Suffice to say it was fucked up. I cried, mostly whimpering, at the pain. That will teach me to push the eating envelope.

Eventually it passed and I was able to go to work. Except it took 20 minutes to find a park. I was already keyed up from painful vomiting so I found myself driving the backstreets - all with signs of no parking - screaming abuse at my organisation for managing to have fucked in the head parking policy that made it next to impossible to find legal parking after 930 am. Really screaming it out - fuck this, fuck that, fuck all the senior fucking executives with their fucking parking spots who have no fucking idea what it is to try and find a fucking park you fucks.

I sounded like Harvey Keitel in the Bad Lieutenant. Actually my groaning in pain sounded a lot like his effort in the church.

Good movie. Check it out.

PS One of HM's earlier photoshop efforts.

Monday, February 25, 2008

All of Australia awaits with baited breath for those that died so our Heath makes an appearance

Here it is...!

Wait maybe not ... did he die in Jan? I forget.

No, there he was, right at the end.

Poor fucker. I got a little teary. Stupid emotionally fraught death montages.

Jack Nicholson

Why the fuck does he wear thick black sunglasses when in the audience, but normal glasses when on stage?

Take that world!

Thus far I have managed to have only supporting actress ruined for me, courtesy of the fucking ABC news radio I had in my car. I have been sans news now since about 2.15 pm which is the longest I have gone without a news dose since I got broadband.

This will not be ruined for me.

Though I couldn't give a shit if I didn't like the host, who I believe is the delightful Jon Stewart again.

Bring on the red carpet!

Of course that statement could equally be applied to the annual ginge minge awards which are being held concurrently.

Fuck me that was a funny thing to say. You see, that's what I do. I sit on the intertubes thinking of funny shit.

hahahahahah - fuck ya's*

UPDATE: Fucking Richard "Don't you know who I am" Wilkins is on my fucking TV polluting it with his Dorian Gray esq unaging. Will you please fuck off and age you complete waste of organs?!

UPDATE 2: He is embarrassing Australia with his celeb interview crapness. Also Cameron Diaz laughs like Dr Evil.

UPDATE 3: John Travolta has short hair. Wilkins' question/statement? 'You've had a haircut.' Fucking hell why is this man still gainfully employed? A lobotomized ape creature of the Indus could do a better job.

*Channeling Rodney Rude - who may well be the chosen comedian of panel van driving mullet clad bogans but he's still a funny, funny man.

She's back (dunt dunt dunt dunt) she's back!

Magic Bellybutton has re-entered the e-building.

About fucking time.

Area man has bad dream - but gets revenge

Last night I had an evil clown dream. Like Pennywise breaking through my bedroom window and hissing at me before attempting to grab me.

Needless to say as far as night terrors go the evil clown smashing through the very window that you sleep next to would have to be up there in the top 10 (after carnies).

However in this dream that's not where I woke up. Instead I was still in my room and the moment Pennywise esq the clown fronted in my window I then twatted him with a big fuck off glass in a sock.

PW then piss bolted. I took the opportunity to chase after him, hop in my car, then drive around looking for the fucker, waving my now broken glass in a sock cosh out the window as I drove the streets one handed. I then saw him down a road, turned, and followed him into a car park where I proceeded to run him down. I think, if I remember correctly, I then got out of the car and repeatedly and with much pleasure lacerated the fuck out of his evil white painted features with the glass sock cosh as he moaned piteously.

Take that you red nosed c*nt.

PS Above image created using photoshop, with a double layered broken window image, claws from the movie poster, and the PW image I think from a still. Thank you google image search

Seagal hurt by Belushi comparison

Hollywood, California: All round martial artist actor, spiritualist, singer-songwriter and mafiosi aficionado, Steven Seagal, had his feelings hurt when a well meaning autograph hunter mistook the aging combat orientated thespian for fellow entertainer Jim Belushi.

'It started well,' said shelf stacker Timmy, who did not provide his last name for fear of Seagal henchmen coming to kill him for witnessing the unpleasantness.

'This woman approached Seagal in the fruit and veg section and asked him for his signature. The black clad Seagal beaming as he took her pad and pen.'

'It was then the bad thing happened.'

The woman apparently then said she really enjoyed his work on 'According to Jim', alongside that 'delightful Courtney-Thorne Smith whose really come into her own since her time on Melrose.'


Left: Seagal ... Belushi

The 7th dan blackbelt in Aikido then carefully put down his basket of avocados and lyches and asked the woman to repeat what she said. Which, according to Timmy, she foolishly did.


Seagal then proceeded to flick his basket into the air, and as the fruits spun lazily upward side kicked an avocado into the woman's mouth preventing any more Jim Belushi-Steven Seagal comparisons.

The multi genre mastering polymath followed this by dropping to the ground in a splits manuever to sweep the woman's legs out from under her, proceeding to then drop his own leg into her stomach, causing her to whoosh into a sitting position, her eyes bulging, before he poked them into her skull.


'Jim Belushi,' snarled Seagal at the now sightless avocado stuffed celebrity botherer. 'John I could understand. He was funny. Jim I do not, for he is not.'


The woman's screams were drowned out by the lodged fruit enabling Seagal to perform more misery on her person for her heartless and very insulting mistake.


Timmy said staff and customers both knew from Mr Seagal's movies that they'd best remove themselves from the circle of death about to be unleashed and that almost certainly the last one from the store would exit instead through the plate glass window as Mr Seagal went on a mission to ensure the mistake would not occur again.


'We knew the police were no help,' said Timmy. 'For Mr Seagal would simply elbow them in their stomachs and take their guns. We had no choice but to helicopter in ... him.'

Ten minutes later the Norris copter arrived, with Chuck hanging on that bit, you know the part that hangs under the helicopter (yes, I know that part), the beard covering another fist even bigger action star then dropping not onto the roof but through it to combat the icily enraged 'I'm just the cook' leather clad menace.


'They've been fighting in there for four hours now,' said Timmy from behind a barricade as scientists attempted to lower a kinetic energy absorbing dome over the store so as to contain the martial arts fury that is already distorting the space time continuum.

Where HM says something dumb

I had to have a catscan today. Weeee. Fortunately I didn't have to go into the tube one. Just the big circle donut one. Suffice to say it wasn't comfortable. You can't move at all. Which is precisely when your nose starts sting-itching.

Anyway, for one series of photos I had to be on my stomach, my chin resting on foam. So naturally I said 'it looks like I'm about to be spit roasted'.

Except, in the language of the kids today, spit roasted has a whole other meaning...

Errrggghhhh ... I just looked at that wiki! That was unnecessarily graphic.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Where HM realises he is a schmuck

I finally met my next door neighbour today when he came over and asked to borrow the mower. He's the one with the dogs and who had the rusting CRT monitor on the lawn.

I wrote our name all over the mower then took it around. He said he'd use it and be right back.

I have to admit I thought I'd have to go after it.

Nup, he came back the moment he finished with it. Furthermore he bought his whipper snipper - which he had volunteered by way of return - and kindly snippered my fence clear of grass.

What a nice guy.

So here I have been snidely slagging off my neighbours as some kind of car house e-bogans and couldn't be more wrong. He stayed for a long chat, outside the house for about an hour (he clearly loves to talk), a free ranging effort about his injuries (he's on disability), his wife, hobbies etc.

I feel much better for having met them and feel ashamed of myself for thinking stereotypical thoughts based solely on the front of his yard and the dogs that he keeps.

BBQ next weekend apparently and we're invited. Will probably go.

Death of a President

Finally saw it.

Wow.

Intense film. Have to say the actors that portray the interviewed officials were just brilliant. They had the whole cadence, rhythm of speech, body language of someone being interviewed for a doco down pat.

Also, two of the four trailers with the DVD (Copying Beethoven and Driving Lessons) both make me want to see those films.

All in all, most excellent.

A horse's head moment

I was trying to get to sleep. Then I felt something cold and disgusting. I turned on the light. It was a small lump of what looked like cookie dough.

Then I found the rest of it.

One of the cats had laid a lung sausage in the bed.

It was disgusting.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Refreshing TV

I'm watching Penn & Teller: Bullshit where they take on popular conspiracies. It's laugh out loud funny where they have the kooks solemnly give their evidence then Penn and Teller make fun of them and call their theories bullshit.

Great stuff. More! More!

Not proud of myself

Yesterday, following a meeting, I sent the participants a list of tasks that arose from the meeting.

I headed the task list 'Action Items.'

I have become everything I despise.

You know you're up late ..

... when the Rage top 100 count down has started.

I can remember the first time I watched the Rage countdown all the way to the end. It was at one of those rare school parties I got invited to that was without a doubt the best school party I ever went to.

Simon K, if you're out there, thanks.

Top billing of the night would have to go to the séance where the dad gave me a luminous skull mask. Half way through the event I stuck my head around the corner. One of the girls screamed violently then instinctively gripped the arm of the guy next to her.

She had long nails.

Great stuff.

She later had one of those Corey Delaney style 'my parents are away parties' where her house got royally trashed and she lived at a motel for a few days until she felt it safe to go home.

The one time I had a parents away party a friend helicoptered all over my toilet. I actually had to run a hose into the house and spray off the ceiling.

That explains everything!

Now that's a dress!

Check out Sarah and Gam's wedding part 2 post. Sarah's dress is just fucking awesome!.

Kudos to both the dress maker and the person who made the filling.

Gam, on behalf of dudes, you suck.

More Guy Rundle goodness

From today's Crikey US election watch;

So it goes, so it goes. At a 9am press conference in reply to the charges this morning, McCain sounded tired, and tried to take the high ground, labeling the investigation by the Times as "disappointing" and denying any horizontal confrontations with the attractive Ms Iseman, of whom the paper published a photo from some ball – looking so shiny you could have set fire to an ant-farm just by angling her at the sun. She's about 8.5 out of a possible 10 on the Gillard scale, and bears more than a passing resemblance to the current Mrs McCain when young, which I reckon is pretty much always the smoking s-x pistol.

Cindy McCain spoke briefly to the media. She's been at her husband's side throughout the whole campaign, and if there's a vote they're trying to get from her appearances, it appears to be located entirely in the S and M subculture. Favouring scarlet leather jackets over black turtlenecks, with her bottle blonde hair scraped back so hard you fear her head may slingshot off at any moment, it always looks like McCain has borrowed one of Qaddafi's female bodyguards for the duration.

"I'm very grateful for the continued support of my ruthless henchwoman, who knows 30 ways to kill..."

An Arizona beer princess, she's the source of McCain's standing in the Phoenix aristocracy, and widely judged as an asset. She could turn out key demographics for McCain, but only if they put front-and-centre the one they tip-toe around – her painkiller addiction in the 90s, a jones so fierce she would steal pills from her own medical charity. Given that prescription drug abuse seems to have replaced basketball as American youth's number one sport, that seems to me the Republicans' only conduit to the 18-25s.

"Hey kids – I treated an international medical charity like it was Aunt Flossie's bathroom cabinet. I'm clean now, but I really liked those pink ones. Will someone put on some Cat Power?"

Fucking hell that's funny. I really hope Crikey bundle these up and sell em as a collection.

Michael Bay should be put on trial for crimes against humanity

I just noticed this in the wiki for The Island in the trivia section.

Scarlett Johansson wanted to go nude during the sex scene between her character and Ewan McGregor's. Director Michael Bay decided against it, thus Scarlett is shown wearing a bra during the scene.

Fuck you Michael Bay. I don't give a flying fuck that you have slow mo shot choppers at sunset in almost every film you have ever made, or the fact you cram your MiseEnScene with an unbelievable amount of product placement, but to deny the world a nudie SJ is just evil.

Pardon my French, but you're an asshole!

PS Apologies to the ladies for such a stereotypical male response. In my defence I am male.

PPS Speaking of
assholes...


Hi time

Today in the basement I ran into our semi-regular IT dude. So we gave each other a loud hi. Five minutes later I spotted him in the foyer. No hi's were given.

What's the expected duration of a work hi? Is it 24 hours? I think it is. Otherwise you'd be hi'ing left, right and centre. Is this a universal time thing? Are all cultures on a 24 hour hi?

Friday, February 22, 2008

Doubled up wardrobe

My boss and I have in our regular work wardrobes shirts that look effectively identical. A short sleeved maroon number.

Today, as unluck would have it, we were in sync.

Normally it's not a problem since he's in an office and I am in a slave station except today he and I were in the same meeting, sitting across a corner from each other. He's older with glasses in reasonable condition. I'm younger with glasses in an unreasonable condition. I looked like his 'the tuna that John West rejects' clone had turned up from the lab like a subnormal copy due for incineration fromThe Island or something.

Also, unlike the boss, I suffer from dandruff. It was only after the meeting I noticed fairly evident dusting static clinging to my shirt.

Yay...

Fecal mad ear

Canberra, Australia: Area blogger Harrangueman today attempted light flirting with hottie receptionist at doctors with somewhat disastrous results.

'I'd had a polyp removed from my ear, which was swimming in a vial of solution and left on the counter when I went to pay the bill. This lead to idle chatting about medical stuff in general. Finally I told her about how when I was a kid on work experience I spent a day in a pathology lab where 'we did tests on shits.'


This discussion of testing 'on shits' noticeably cooled the conversation.

'A definite tumbleweed moment,' confessed HM.

----------------

On my way back from the Doctors I was listening the ABC news radio. They played a snatch of Madness' Our House, a seminal 80's classic. Why? By way of intro to a story on rapidly increasing rents as the market crunch hits - increases which one interviewed victim described as "madness". What a clever intro. Nearly as clever as when discussing money in a story backing the action with the opening riff from the Pink Floyd's classic, which is also called Money.

---------------

So the ear thing. As punters know I recently discovered I have a perforated ear, and likely have had it in that condition for around 18 months. Finally saw the specialist. He was somewhat horrified at the duration it had taken me to present myself. In my defence I just assumed my left ear was naturally waxy, not realising it was not just wax but a upsized combo of wax and pus. Turns out you can have a localised infection that is pus producing in your ear area for a long, long time, doing steady damage to the surrounding tissue and ear business.

This means I have to have a catscan - weeeeeee - to see if the bone near by has become infected. If it has it means an operation to scrape out the infection. If I do have a bone infection, and it's not done cleaned out soon enough, there is a chance the infection will spread to my brain.

So I got that going for me.

I also experienced an ear toilet - at least that's what the name of the procedure was. It was basically a suction pump threaded into my ear then turned on to drain the pus out. It was rather uncomfortable - not painful - just very loud and unpleasant as you could feel the pus coming out accompanied by a loud screaming gurgling noise. Think three year old having a tantrum inside a vacuum cleaner pressed to your head.

During the procedure that's when the polyp was removed. I really do have it in a vial and have to go lodge it with pathology for testing. I also have to have hearing tests.

Needless to say I am just thrilled by that.

UPDATE: Fuck...

I guess you had to be there

Tonight the subject of 80's TV came up. There used to be a show on the ABC, a BBC import I believe, called Metal Mickey. Which was about a giant robot that came to life when it ate atomic cheezles or something. Only when I mentioned it I got confused and said Proton Energy pills. This error was quickly pointed out since PPEP's are from Roger Ramjet, also an shown in the 80's ABC TV product.

To which I responded 'I seem to have conflated the magic pills of our childhood.'

I put money down I am the first person alive to have said those words in that order.

Shizzle.

BTW Was Ramjet using performance enhancing drugs? What kind of message is that for the kids?

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Area russian babe undermines ad with silly hat

Crap mobile phone ad that pollutes my TV, Russia; Late night slavic sirens today lashed out at team member Anka for undermining the sexiness of their ad by her wearing a stupid hat.

'Vat is this hat you are wearink?' said Tatania of Anka, whose choice of head gear was a soft brown velvet number with what appeared to be felt moose horns hanging off it. 'Is not sexy, is stupid.'

The ladies, who are featured in various sexy group poses where they idly fondle each other whilst clad in bikinis, said that Anka's hat was an affront and mockery of their idly fondling each other whilst clad in bikinis industry.

'Please, her hat is so ridiculous,' said Natasha. 'With it's floppy horns hanging down. Man wants to watch our bottoms and our boobies. Not silly hat with floppy horns. What if hat remind them of flaccid schram? Then where will we be? $4.95 a minute less rich that's where.'

Anka defended her hat saying it highlighted her large 'doe eyes'.

'I do sexy head wiggle with my big eyes staring at screen. Man lose self in eyes. Hat merely direction indicator with points of horns providing inverted triangle centred on face with eyes at centre of said geometrical formation. Is both sexy and is fun. He then more want to come in to room where we are and idly fondle us as we fondle each other.'

'... whilst wearing bikinis,' she added unnecessarily.

'They is merely jealous of my fabulous deer like pupils and my eye accentuating head wear.'

The other girls have threatened to morph their fondling to fighting at the next shoot if the floppy horn hat makes a future appearance, a threat the crew has taken seriously.

'These women are artists. We will of course take their sexy suggestions on board and see if we can help them work out their differences,' said Director Ivon Dasredich.

Dasredich was later heard telling Anka to both wear the hat and also to 'please be extra greased for lenses ... yes, the lenses.'

Go Grods!
















Is that the second time it's happened? Love the backing music. Does it imply Craig both delivers pizzas and cleans pools professionally?

Testimonials

Last night, after the Fred Shipman doco I think, there was an infomercial on Biomagnetics - the bed laced magnet system that is allegedly the equiv of getting a deep tissue massage every night.

They had unpaid testimonials of the product users on the ad.

So it got me to thinking. Are there products out there that you love so much that you would give an unpaid testimonial for?

Me?

Diet coke (preferences are glass bottle then cans; not plastic bottles) and Green Lid Dare Iced Coffee. I'd spruik for them in a second. Even though my Drs have repeatedly told me to give up the former.

Reminds me of those old cig commercials that actually had doctors spruiking their favourite brand of cigs.



How the fuck they got away with that is beyond me. Oh wait, that's why - because back then it was an unfettered free market. I guess that's why the Vic young libs want the ban on smoking ads to be lifted - not because they think smoking is not unhealthy but because it's a nail in the coffin of the sacred and holy free market.

Boo regulations that stifle entrepreneurs, boo.

You know you are a land that time forgot geek when ...

... before you go to work you fire up Warlords II, a game released in around 1994, on your computer because for some reason if you leave the game idle it goes super fast for about half the time you left it for, so when you get home you can play it in the faster mode.

I usually play dark blue. And you?

An open letter

Dear ute driver,

I am so sorry that I was in your lane forcing you to tail gate me. I am glad you managed to weave past me in the end thus saving valuable seconds on your journey. I also hope that the experience of weaving gave you a chub thus making you more attractive to the ladies in the manner that a stripper does when he gets a semi and puts on a cock ring before a show thus to appear marginally larger.

I am sure of course you don't need to since by driving a ute in the city you are automatically a massive cock anyway.

Yours,

Harrangueman.

Massive Caffeine high

Thanks to drinking I think close to 1.2 litres of Green Lid Dare Iced Coffee I suffered a caffeine high today. You know where you run around blathering and energetically doing large slabs of work but switch from one project to the next like a pollen seeking bee?

I love that coffee!

Weeeeee.

Mind you the end result is I will probably be up until 1 am watching question time again. Fuck me I am a nerd.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Canberra Airport shits me

Two stand outs from today. The ticket receiving machine was out of order forcing me to back my car up and try for the next one. You'd think some sort of fucking sign could have been put up. The second was the cylinder ashtray near one of the exits that was on fire and absolutely no airport staff in any move to go and extinguish it. Foul acrid smoke was everywhere. I shudder to think what would have happened if it had triggered a smoke alarm.

Mobiles

My new very lame phone has three ring volume settings; Silent - Discrete - Loud.

Wouldn't it be awesome if it could let you know when you were unzipped?


Diva demand goodness

Michael Jackson was reportedly axed from the Grammy Awards after making a series of "diva-like" demands.

The 49-year-old singer - who was scheduled to appear at the ceremony earlier this month for a tribute marking the 25th anniversary of his album Thriller - allegedly infuriated event bosses by insisting the whole evening be dedicated to his career.

Jackson is believed to have asked the show's presenters to refer to him as 'The King of Pop' at least 30 times throughout the night.

He also wanted a new award to be created just for him and presented to him by an honouree of his choice, according to the New York Post newspaper.

From the smh (and for the rest of the article) - see here

Remember that time Jacko heard Britters call him the artist of the millennium at the 2002 MTV awards by way of introducing the one gloved thrill rocker prior to his getting a birthday cake and then he thanked everyone for nominating him that august title, including launching into a long winded thank you speech? My guess is his lust for such an honour had not dimmed, hence the diva-esq demand.

My favourite Jacko themed story bar none is when Jackson dangled his baby over the balcony to his adoring fans and many in the media were outraged. Asked to defend Jackson's antics good buddy Uri Geller actually said he did not believe Jackson would do such a thing and a possible answer was that it was an animatronic baby. I shit you not.

But then Uri Geller drives around in a Cadillac with thousands of spoons glued to it so I am guessing as far as selecting character witnesses goes he would be down a bit on the list.

Don't f-f-f-f-uck with me, I'm the f-f-f-uckin' undead

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Vamp Bishop?





Vamp Noodle!



A new conservative force

Moves are afoot to merge the nats and libs in QLD into a joint single conservative party.

Please, please, please be called the Conservative United National Team.

UPDATE: They need a logo. Here lads, have one on me.

Breathtaking

Over at Mr L's place... featuring his special righty guest star RA...

Mick, you can fire the majority of the public service excepting police and military and we wouldn't feel a thing. Honest.

It actually happend in the US in the 90's. Congress was fighting with Clinton so they had to close the government save a few departments. There was concern in the administration that if it went too long, people would begin to realize just how unnecessary big government was and how their lives were little affected by the closing.

I say we try it for 6 months, only as a test run and see if the public likes it. What do you say....?

We can always hire them back as they're not exactly going anywhere fast.

Great stuff. Normally it takes chemicals to become this deluded.

Fecalfeliacs and Golden Shower enthusiasts join forces to release sexy new song

♫ ♪ ♫ I was made for lovin' poo baby ♫ ♪ ♫
♫ ♪ ♫ You were made for lovin' wee ♫ ♪ ♫
♫ ♪ ♫ And I can't get enough of poo baby ♫ ♪ ♫
♫ ♪ ♫ Can you get enough of wee ♫ ♪ ♫

♫ ♪ ♫ Up, up in the air in my beautiful, my beautiful f-f-f-f-f-uckin balloon ♫ ♪ ♫



Oporto designs burger whose price is in flux

I was on the bus home and saw some inner bus advertising for an Oporto chicken and egg burger, which proudly answered the age old riddle of which was first by saying 'both'.

Ho, ho. What a bunch of clever fuckers.

Anyway the burger retails for $3.98.

Yep.

$3.98.

Which means when you pay for it, it's actually $4 if by cash since it's rounded up. If it had been $3.95 to $3.97 you would have got the five cents back.

Well done Oporto for advertising a burger for less than four dollars but in reality is in fact four dollars.

Did someone get a promotion for that little tricky number?

Monday, February 18, 2008

J-a-a-a-a-a-i-l Break


'Cos he made it out ... with a nugget in his nap.




















Six months old!

Entire Geology class planning something against nutbar

In the flotsam of yet another mass shooter's life that washes up in the media in the weeks after a rampage, until that is another one happens, we usually get hints as to why and how they got guns. Typically mentally ill reasons (ya think?) for the former and legally obtained for the latter.

Anyway, according to the SMH Kazmierczak, the latest spree killer, bought two guns for home security.

Because I suppose one wasn't enough (esp if he wanted to have one in each hand like that last fuckwit).

I know he was off his meds, and those guns were likely talking to him in the manner that Willie's tractor encouraged Bart to run into the rear of Superintendent Chalmers, but it seems psycho killer Qu'est-ce que c'est decided the greatest threat to his personal safety was 170 geology students.

I can see that. Those igneous spotting schemers with their conglomerates and tors and so forth.

Guns and America. How can such an awesome country get it so fundamentally wrong when it comes to gun control? It it because there are just so many guns, more than one gun per person I believe, that even if they did change the laws there is no way in hell of being able to enforce them? Was the fear that the Brits would come back really so great that even as technology improved from a musket that took many seconds to load to weapons that could empty 30 bullets into a body in two seconds that they couldn't step back away from the poorly phrased gun rights amendment?

God bless America. As ever the loved ones of those left behind in the wake of yet another spree shooting are in the thoughts of everyone. Except it seems the NRA, survivalists, most Republicans, etc.

Area wife should start up Dial-a-hubby franchise

Allen keying up major furniture items, putting up blinds, now fixing door handles. She's amazing. I'm all like 'meh, let's just get someone in.' But no, in she goes fix, fix, fix.

I wonder if you have to be a dude to be a Dial-a-Hubby?

WorkChoices pamphlets get pulped

Awesome stuff. Suck shit Liberals.

From today's Crikey - Clive Hamilton Vs The Oz

The Australian: 'We didn’t mean it. Really'

Clive Hamilton writes:

After serving enthusiastically as the leading organ of John Howard’s culture wars, the advent of a Labor Government has seen The Australian desperately searching for a means of retaining some credibility and influence in the new dispensation.

For those who experienced the vituperation of the newspaper’s phalanx of right-wing commentators and editorialists, the contortions and back-flips of the Murdoch flagship have provided daily entertainment. The admixture of amusement and wonder at the newspaper’s predicament peaked with Saturday’s editorial in the Weekend Australian which moved seamlessly from sinking the boot into the left to calling for more civility in public debate.

The leader laid out the new political strategy designed to rewrite eleven years of right-wing dogmatism by the paper that dubs itself “The Heart of the Nation” (and which others have taken to calling “The A-se of the Nation”).

The strategy has two contradictory elements. From the moment it became plain that Labor would win the election, The Australian began to argue that a Rudd victory is in fact a victory for Howard. Rudd is not only a fiscal conservative, the paper maintains, but a “church-going, family-values social conservative”. He has so much in common with Howard that, despite appearances, the victory of Rudd is another defeat for the left.

Rudd Labor’s dramatic early breaks from Howard over Kyoto and the apology are, in the plastic minds of The Australian ’s editors, no grounds for celebration because they are mere symbols within broader moderate policies that eschew the demands of the left. Being moderate and reasonable itself, the newspaper can endorse these sensible moves.

Of course, to endorse Kyoto and the apology, which they violently opposed under Howard, the editors have each had to swallow a forgetfulness potion. But no matter; for a paper that takes itself so seriously, The Australian ’s hypocrisy has always had a special pungency.

In their hearts, however, the newspaper’s ideological warriors do not believe the story they tell their readers, which necessitates the second element of the strategy ─ a call for a new spirit of reconciliation and the restoration of civility to the national discourse.

In this, they are reminiscent of a group of bovver boys with steel-capped boots covered in blood who, after their victim pulls a gun, say “hey, let’s be reasonable and talk it through”. After years of vilifying those they deem enemies, The Australian ’s editors now declare that they can “respect our opponents even when we disagree with their ideas”.

Among their enemies, the editors of The Australian reserve a special loathing for Robert Manne. When they talk about “the left” they are usually thinking of the former editor of Quadrant . Much of the blood on their boots is his. Manne is all the more infuriating because he has never been cowed by them. Unlike others who have understandably withered under the newspaper’s sledging, Australia’s foremost public intellectual has never mentally disintegrated.

The explanation for The Australian ’s Manne-hating is not hard to divine: his mode of public discourse is everything the newspaper’s is not – reasoned rather than dogmatic, eloquent rather than rancorous, urbane rather than cruel. In short, his moral integrity enrages the bovver boys at The Australian because it makes them feel ashamed.

After all, they were once young journalists with ideals.

Humbled by the new spirit of reconciliation, The Australian in its leader admitted, with masterful understatement, “we have not been above the odd ad hominem attack ourselves”.

Perhaps they were thinking of Mick Dodson who had dared to have a different opinion on Aboriginal housing policy. In September 2005, The Australian ran a front-page picture of his Canberra house claiming that he wanted to deny other Aborigines the chance to live the comfortable life he enjoys. Dodson said he feared for the safety of his children.

The “odd ad hominem attack” has taken the form of defamatory accusations designed to destroy reputations. When Howard ruled, The Australian ’s editorial team could bray about their latest foray into character assassination. Rudd now rules but, hey, we can all forgive and forget, can’t we?

Glenloch Interchange

How incredibly fucking shitful is trying to get onto the fucking parkway through that interchange? I moronically tried to do it during rush hour. Took me fifteen minutes to move 300m.

Bah! I hate fucking roadworks!

Stink Waft

Don't you just hate it when, after you fart, you manage to walk through your own stink waft? Like I just did then. Not only that, I bent through it as I farted before I opened the fridge to get a decaf diet coke from the bottom shelf.

Also don't you hate it when you fart before you get in a lift but you don't leave enough of a pants osmosis window and the fucking waft only escapes its textile prison after you've entered so everyone knows its you?

I really have to stop taking the lift up one flight. I'm just asking for trouble with the amount of IBS fueled farting I do.

UPDATE: I do not believe this. About two minutes ago I powered one out the back of my Dr Evil chair, then I
foolishly just leaned backwards ... straight into a lingering waft!

Is it me? Do mine just lurk around?

Schadenfreude goodness

Is it me or was that Four Corners just fucking awesome?!

If I could eat a big bowl of butter popcorn movie enhancement style I would have done.

Actually fuck being guilty about the suffering of others I openly enjoyed it. What's the German for that?

Das Einen Sucken da Shitten turdbergin Liberalkunts?

BAAAAAARRRRPPP - Let me f-f-f-f-fuckin' drive



Underbelly - a short review by HM

(note some spoilers)

Not as short as Roger Rogerson whose review for News Ltd as I understand it consisted of the words 'great tits'.

Watched it today (taped for later).

Impressed. Good production values, excellent dialogue, and Carl Williams comes across as a combo of Ralph Wiggam meets Joe Pesci from Goodfellas. The scenes featuring the freaked out sisters were esp good. I really, really thought they were going to get clipped.

Looking forward to the next ep. Kudos prog makers - a fine effort thus far. You have me hooked.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Tubby smoker rows across Atlantic

An overweight chain-smoker and aquaphobic has beat an infection and the competition to be the first solo Australian to row across the Atlantic - a 76-day journey across 5500km of open seas.

Stick that in you pipe and smoke it skinny tut-tutettes in tabloid TV.

For some reason all I could think of was Lucky Grills.

Area man conceals suggestion for sex beneath mashup of Irishcockney

Canberra, Australia: Area Man, Todd Sanden, tonight concealed a sex suggestion under a comedic brogue to one Meredith Hapsley, a long time female friend and last non flatmate up at a party's conclusion.

When asked by Meredith, a slender dark haired woman that Todd repeatedly used as wank fuel, 'what you going to do now?' by way of easing into the whole 'better take off' conversation Todd responded with the mashup.

'Well young missy, we could be makin' the sweet sweet love,' said Todd in a terrible near falsetto Leprechaun lite style accent.

'Apples and pears,' he added after a moment's hesitation, in tortured Cockney.

Meredith's response was merely to laugh at the jest and then launched into 'well it's late so I had better take off.'

'Neither of us was drunk enough to just lean in and go the pash and see what happened,' said Todd after Meredith left. 'But I wasn't emotionally strong enough to simply come out and just say baby I dig you the most. Because I am a whiny fucking coward who has no right to live on this earth.'

Todd said that by adopting the vague hint of UKness and camouflaging the desire for intercourse with Meredith he'd potentially laid the ground work for a future attempt. However unfortunately for Todd this possibility had already been unknowingly wiped out as in a previous forgotten drunken encounter with Meredith he had confessed his fancy to her then promptly vomited on her pants.

Friday, February 15, 2008

And as Christmas elves!

The Australian Organisation for the Prevention of Groinal Cruelty have repeated their demands that The Veronicas just do it, adding that when they do do "it" at long last that it is done so whilst wearing Christmas elf hats.

Left: Artist's impression

'For far too long these sisters have teased us with the potentiality of downstairs there activity between them,' said spokesman Clinton Funt. 'So as added punishment they should dress up as sexy elves and demand any watching male that he come and stuff their stockings.'

'And or stoke their chimney,' added Mr Funt, making an 'O' with his thumb and forefinger then gesticulating rapidly within the circle with his other forefinger. 'Because you just know that Christmas elves like these are clearly in the naughty part of Santa's book.'

'Obviously watching male is singular and should not include another dude because, well, if you swing that way fine, but if you don't, like me, you don't need anything confusing the issue.'

Mr Funt said the sisters should also include name tags in their elfy ensemble lest he say the wrong name when servicing one of the sisters while suggesting courses of action she may take in regards to her sibling and/or parts thereof.

'Because the last thing I'd want is to mentally fuzz on a name whilst enjoying fuzz action and scream out poke her, poke her then be handed an implement designed to assist in the re-arrangement of burning wood.'

Mr Funt added that there will be many disappointed users of google likely directed to this blog post and he suspected the average time on site counter will read 0:00.

(For MB)

Shirley MacLaine

Is it my imagination or has she been in a bad mood for forty years?

Awesome ad

Pride and Prejudiced

How many fucking times are they going to remake this fucking movie/book?

Besides, we all know it begins and ends with Colin Firth getting all steamily wet, don't we men-preferred-sexually people?

I'm prejudiced ... against remakes of this movie.

Twins

It's no surprise that hetro guys, and indeed I'd say those that prefer women, enjoy GOG action (aka Girl on Girl). What is it exactly that does it for us? I don't know. Maybe it's the whole being potentially invited in and not having to see another man's schram.

Anyhoo, GOG can be further distilled to twin on twin action. Like we all want the Veronicas to be like.

Anyway, it got me to wondering. To those out there that enjoy the man scene, is the idea of sculpted twin beefcakes going each other hot or not?

Me? I just threw up in my mouth a little even contemplating it, though I fully believe in their right to incestuous same sex for men. But I'm curious if the twin tastes cross the erotic boundaries from XY to XX?

A very supernatural Christmas

A short review of the taped Supernatural Xmas special what I just watched.

This may be the banana liquor and decaffeinated diet coke but I was thrilled to watch that episode.

Hollywood sign site of unintentional fight scene

Hollywood, Los Angeles; The iconic Hollywood sign, a standard location marker for films set in the region, today was the site of a fight scene of a different kind, when directors for rival movies queued up to shoot scenes at the locality accused each other of ripping the other off.

‘Frankie Taylor, Director for ‘Dreams will die’, a searing post modern look at the cancer that is the Hollywood system, was shooting a poignant scene where the two protagonists had climbed an O and were trying to see the stars from it, only the stars were washed out by the light pollution from the valley below when Dickey Anderson, Director for ‘Reach for the Stars’, a searing post modern look at the cancer that is the Hollywood system, came running over and crash tackled Taylor, claiming that dialogue was his,’ said witness Grando “Grindy” Grendan.

The crew for Reach for the Stars were waiting their turn for use of the location when the fight broke out, causing teamsters from both productions to circle the combatants and shout ‘fight, fight, fight’. Producers from both Dreams will Die and Reach attempted to break the barricade to separate the directors but were no match for the wall of blubbery muscle.

‘Meanwhile those poor actors, who were wired into safety harnesses up the top of the O have been left dangling, cause their wire teams joined the teamsters in crowding to watch the action,’ added “Grindy”.

The directors battled for about a minute, each claiming the central thrust of sign sitting and star gazing belonged to their movie, or previous scripts they’d worked on, until Taylor blinded Anderson with a handful of dirt, which as irony would have it would prevent any kind of gazing or indeed seeing until his eyes were flushed by a health professional.

‘Frankly this has set back the entire searing post modern look at the cancer that is the Hollywood system genre by a good couple of years,’ said industry insider Smythe Sindbar whilst doing lines off his fetching assistant’s frilly panty clad bottom.

‘No one’s going to want to see a searing post modern look at the cancer that is the Hollywood system movie if those movies are comprised by the very elements it is fighting against like directors feuding over archetypal concepts like stars and not being able to see them. The searing post modern look at the cancer that is the Hollywood system genre is about sensitive souls dreaming for the unobtainable and discovering that the cruel reality of Hollywood is such that those dreams are impossible to achieve, with at least the female protagonist committing suicide in a sexy manner, preferably in the bath with artful cuts on the arms and sodden see through clothes clinging to her youthful now wasted body, ensuring a hint of puckered nip, while the other one turns their back on Hollywood, returning home to resume their interrupted life perhaps a little wiser but determined to fight for their dream in a different way by helping street kids in Africa make movies or some shit.’

Several accounts of fight footage, taken by both mobile phones and video, were uploaded onto youtube within 12 minutes.

Dodgy things to yell while stall bound

I was bog watching today, as you do, ensuring my leavings had left, when with some panic I noticed the whirl power was ebbing and the leaving still had to go.

Without thinking I yelled out 'go you big brown bastard' just as it was sucked away.

I shudder to think what people outside thought.

Definitely a 'Who does number two work for' kind of moment.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Guess who helped US banks fvck the economy over?

Why, George Bush!

Who would have thought it?

So, so sad

Mum dies after saving baby.

I ache for her partner.

Ozzer Righty Goodness

As discussed at Grods, Sophie Mirabella, who didn't attend yesterday's ceremony because she said it was divisive and claimed that the exact wording on the sorry should have been debated long and hard before finally agreed on.

What a fucking pearler. I'm she she will go far.

More righty goodness

Laura Ingraham is a radio host in the states. She's your typical cookie-cutter righty who beats her chest about the elite liberals, family values and so forth.

When she was starting out as a proto-righty she was apparently the editor of The Prospect, a magazine put out by the Concerned Alumni of Princeton.

So I followed the link. Apparently the organisation was set up by misogynists to prevent the numbers of women attending their manly halls from rising.

Interesting isn't it? That a woman worked for an organisation that saw women as lesser. It reminds me of that other psycho blondie ratbag on the right, Anne Coulter, who famously said that giving the women the vote was bad for America (the inference being that they tended to vote Democrat).

How are these people reaching such conclusions? What happened in their lives for them to think these things?

Was it the money? Is it fear? Ignorance? Combo?

Smoky Dawson

Apparently he was Australia's "first cowboy", according to Channel 10.

What the? Really? The first one? How do they know?

Anyway, my parents have a Smoky Dawson chair. It rawks.

The Republican Noise Machine

Interesting article over at media matters about how ultra right media is now slamming the Republicans.

Here's a taste...

After years of watching Limbaugh and his various band of midnight riders within the Republican Noise Machine launch countless, hateful crusades against liberals and Democrats, it's extraordinarily satisfying to watch the Republican Party leadership discover what it feels like when Limbaugh sets his venomous, factually challenged sights on their own front-runner.

Righty radio listeners manage to work out how a phone works

Check out the parade of fuckwits that wanked on their fave medium, talkback radio, about the Aborigines getting a sorry.

Cold...

"There's no Valentine's night." (sneer, sneer)

Arsetalker

John Howard did more for indigenous people than any other prime minister, opposition frontbencher Tony Abbott says.

Mr Howard was the only living former prime minister absent from yesterday's parliamentary apology to Australia's indigenous peoples.

He refused to say sorry to the stolen generations while in office between 1996 and 2007.

Mr Rudd described all his predecessors, except Mr Howard, as great friends of the Aboriginal people.

Mr Abbott, the opposition's indigenous affairs spokesman, said it was appropriate for Mr Howard to be taking some time off rather than witness the apology.

"He was a great prime minister, a great leader and he changed Australia dramatically for the better," Mr Abbott told reporters in Canberra.

"I believe no Australian prime minister has done more for Aboriginal people, in practical terms, than John Howard.

"After 11-and-a-half very difficult years as prime minister, I think the guy's entitled to a bit of time out."



Comment of the week

RE Dirty Sexy Money

"This may be the caffeine but I'm thrilled to be watching this show"

Kudos to The Voice of Today's Apathetic Youth

For getting their post blogspotted in yesterday's Crikey (sorry lads only just saw it)


Area knight undermines rescue with trolley

Fantastica, the kingdoms; Area knight Sir Loin undermined a maiden's rescue today with use of a trolley in which he placed the recovered damsel, onlookers saying that it really spoiled the atmos of a good old fashioned princess carrying.

'When the knight has vanquished the foe and emerges victorious from the den of the evil one the princess should be held in his arms, not towed behind him in a trolley,' said local peasant Denis.

Sir Loin said that he'd recently done his back when trying to take off a metal plated boot and his chiro said to take it easy on the heavy lifting for a while.

'Look I'm already pushing the healing friendship by clanking around in the armour,' said the knight. 'So I'm hardly going to add another 105 to 120 lbs for a maiden am I? This way she gets rescued from the evil and I preserve my back. It's win, win.'

When asked why the princess couldn't simply walk out under her own steam the knight said that in his experience maidens were often mobility imparied, whether by a surprisingly common ankle injury, comatose state that is only recovered from outside the evil den, weight of excessive hair, or in one case twin club feet. So being prepared with a shopping trolley was simply good knightly sense.

However this did not explain the traffic cone.






Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Twatwatch rolls forth for 08


It's been a while, but this one is richly deserved. The Hon Chris Pearce.

The Hon is of course applied to his having done time on the executive council, as opposed to actual honourable activity.

This from today's Crikey by Editor of The National Indigenous Times Chris Graham.

Unfortunately, Chris Pearce, the Member for Aston, wasn't so forgiving. Pearce sat and casually flipped through a magazine throughout Rudd's entire speech. At the part where Rudd was talking about the tragedy of infant mortality ­ the "little ones" in Rudd's words,­ Pearce was cracking a joke to the rather uncomfortable looking member of parliament sitting next to him.

In fact, Pearce was so against an apology, that he also sat and read through his own leader's entire speech. When Rudd finished and received a standing ovation, Pearce was the only member of parliament to remain seated. It begs the question, why did he even show up?

Unbelievable. He did the parliament proud. At the very least if he didn't want to apologise why didn't he just fuck off like Tuckey?

More toilet talk

Yesterday it was bucketing down at work. During this somewhat intense storm I went to the toilet. I was using a stall.

Someone at a urinal broke into "Singing in the Rain". Absolutely belted it out, the song echoing off the tiles.

While he was urinating.

That's some odd urinating side activity.

Venn Shellwhiff

What an awesome name for a character.

Shell whiff

Urinal technology has moved on from the simple days of a bit of sheet metal backing a communal trough. For the most part it seems in buildings the urinals are the individual shell affair, lightly screened to prevent cursory cock checking.

So from a privacy viewpoint I am up for some shell affair.

The trouble is the urine is closer to the nose, since the shell is at about upper thigh level.
On occasion I have come in and used the shell after someone that clearly has some olfactory production issues in their wee-town.

Maybe they're chewing on asparagus stalks like farmers or something between pisses.

Anyway, it's gross, and reminds me there's a reason why nine out of ten I'm a stall boy for the stand ups.

Venn Diagrams

Is it me, or do they seem a little ... well ... vaggy?


















Had a discussion with a fem-friend today about vag-sign. I said there were lots of things in the world at large that were vaggy (witness the Grods lads spotting earlier). She said that vaggy things simply didn't leap out at her as being vaggy. Then she pointed out that for the most part girls don't be seeing the vag cause it's in a hard to see spot. Where-as the lads, who for the most part enjoy a good vag, are always on vag look out and often have ready vag viewing access.

She may be right.

She also claimed that she did not think the flaming eye in LOTR looked vaggy.










Come off it. That's completely vaggy.

Sorry day

Glad someone finally said sorry. Glad it got the level of attention it deserved. Wish compensation arrangements were possible. Hope Aboriginal Australians got something out of it and feel like things are more able to move forward.

And to those that sneer and fuss and huff that it's nothing but pure symbology, I counter with this. What the fuck do you think Anzac day is if not raw symbology. Yet reverently we revere it.

UPDATE

The YT of Rudd





















... and some fuckwit commenting on the YT of Rudd.

Morons

Return of the Jedi

Is it me, or does the Generator Commander on Endor fully seem gay?

Bubbles

WARNING: Work unfriendly

When I drink citrus themed drinks my saliva gets all thick and bubbly. Indeed I could readily blow bubbles with my spit. Not launch them out of my mouth like Thomson and Thompson when they ate the oil sabotage pills in Land of Black Gold, but definite disgusting bubbleage nonetheless. They're all slimy looking with froth sliding across the bubble surface.

Anyway, it got me to wondering. As you do. For those that intake of the baby froth... do they blow sp3rm bubbles?

Do such things even exist?

Let's google!

Yep.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Manpads

Did you know that there is a shoulder launched surface to air missile system called MANPADS? Neither did I until trawling through the intertubes. It would have to be hands down the worst acronym I have come across. They sound like they should be sold from the over-lit hygiene aisle at the supermarket.



















I wouldn't be surprised if this guy's had to leave battles in the past with a jacket tied around his waist.

And so it goes

Today I had my first sit down with boss+.

It did not go well.

Previous efforts to date had no praise and 'things can be done better' was launched straight into. Meeting ended with boss+ demanding full list of report items so they could determine what would go into final report instead of me, the person that's done it for the last five years. I had to go through the entire list and spell out why including the item was needed.

I have never had a micro-manager boss before and I have one now.

Turns out, being micro-managed shits me. Boss+ wouldn't know where to begin to fucking do my job yet there they were telling me how I was doing it wrong and intimating they knew best.

Management. They think they're good but they're not.

Grr.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Ye gawds

That whole East Timor thing that happened today, with the rebel dude taken out in a twinned assassination attempt on Horta and Gusmao, was pretty freaky.

Hope Horta pulls through. SMH has an update here. Because that's what East Timor needs. Another round of shit to deal with.

Steve Irwin holed by giant stingray

The Sea Shepherd, recently re badged Steve Irwin, "pirate" vessel funded by donations to shadow the Japanese whaling fleet and prevent the slaughter of whales, has somewhat ironically been holed by a giant version of the same animal that took out the khaki clad Crikey extolling super ozzer of the same name.

'Can you believe it?' said bedraggled and rescued John Butler esq hippy Franco Melnaco. 'Right out of the sea, whack, straight into the bow of the ship.'

The giant mutant stingray, whose existence had been theorised but never proven by marine biologists and salty sea salts that hang around in dim nautically themed drinking establishments, often missing an eye taken by a squid or such, was apparently swimming peacefully along and when the vessel pulled along side so various hippies could dance on deck whilst crooning to it through bongo drums with it the animal struck, powering its stinger fair into the Irwin.

'Crikey,' said the entire crew in unison as the stinger retracted.

Emergency patching of the hull took place as the entire marine resources of the country were employed to save the stricken celeb named after death boat but it was to no avail, with the Irwin sinking a few minutes later.

Fortunately the bongo drums proved to be surprisingly useful as ad-hoc flotation devices, despite the face clearly printed on the underside was a warning that they were not a life-saving device, only spiritually saving.

Unfortunately the freezing antarctic waters claimed most of the crew after ten minutes.

All bongo drums were safely rescued.

SMH story made me teary

Bride dies during bridal dance

Wiki gold

As pointed out by the Grods lads check out this current photo amendment to Jones' wiki.

Hilarious Libs

The 730 report had a combo of Nelson whining about not being included in the words drafting planning and Hockey complaining, and I shit you not, about the new government changing the rules of sitting days to apparently make them less accountable.

Hockey had the sheer unmitigated gall to claim parliament would suffer with reduced ability to question ministers (the time instead will be spent by backbenchers airing information of note).

When the Libs won the senate they changed the rules to make it that all committees were headed by government members, killed entire committees, and shut down lines of inquiry on numerous embarrassing issues for the then government.

What a fucking joke of a party.

Shit shy

I was busting to go but when I went into the bathroom I saw the beardy uber boss going into one stall on the end. So I had to have one stall buffer to that. Trouble was that the other end stall was used too. When I went in I noticed that the other stall user was going the wide stance, Larry Craig style. I can't be pooping if I am seeing another user's shoe coming past the demarcation line.

So I left and went back later.

I am a fecal wimp.

Alan Jones loses appeal

Sucked shit you ugly red faced ...













Of course the aforementioned locality is both useful and pleasing when used. Jones is neither.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Why isn't there a Geri-co?

I mean there's baby-co, a chain store of one stop baby shopping. Surely the oldies can have a version of their own; zimmer frames, those incontinence undies etc, wrinkle creams, cardigans, white shoes, knitting shit and so forth all in the easy wide aisled one stop locale?

I know who could be their spokesman...

McMansion fucksticks

I just saw an ad for a house design firm which has a pair of house proud fucksticks taking the camera on a tour of their massively over-sized presumably energy hungry house that has a bunch of barely used specific rooms, like the after 7.30 pm lounge.

In an era of housing pressures because the supply of basic functional well sited housing is drying up because in part of all the energy expended on McMansion building, these people are actually proud of the monstrosity they dwell within.

Which reminds me. I saw a Hummer ad today for Canberra. Yes the ultimate penis car has arrived in the nation's capital. Because that's what we need on our roads. Giant cars the rest of us can't see through.

DISCLAIMER: My brother drives a hummer. He is a bad man.

Stolen generation audience stolen

Canberra, Australia: A busload of Aboriginal activists invited to attend Federal parliament to hear an historic apology from the new federal government has been stolen according to police sources.

'The bus was waylaid by masked bandits on that driveway between the old and new parliament houses according to witnesses,' said the source. 'They apparently hopped on and the bus was driven back down the other driveway and disappeared. '

On an unrelated matter parliamentarian Wilson "Ironbar" Tuckey, a staunch opponent of apologising to pretty much anyone on any issue ever, was reported to have called up an Aboriginal gallery and attempted to order 'a hundred or so humpies, flour, bacon and tea and shit' in the mistaken belief the business would sell basic shelter and food staples "enjoyed" by rural aborigines up until the 1960's, asking if such stores could be delivered to a property outside of Canberra.

'Frankly they were all better off when they had their wages stolen or paid in the form of basic rations, were forced into apprenticeships or to work my land or the land, had their children taken irrespective of their circumstances but because of their aboriginal blood and so forth,' said Tuckey before hanging up.

On a side issue split pelvis pink shirt meets natty blazer opinionist Andrew Bolt has said there was no stolen generation, demanding "the left" name just three children taken solely because they were aboriginal.

"The left" plans to nail various documents to his body by way of answer.

Area blogger demands to be blocked by Iran

I was doing some light googling and found that the mad mullahs of Iran (ho ho, see how I used alliteration - I rule) have approved HM as being fit for consumption of the internet capable.

See here.

But I discuss the following; poos, wee-wees, sperm, wanking, s3x, porn, my hatred of fundy politics, and so forth and so on. Oh and I heartedly disagree with the Iranian policy of killing women in the name of religion and stringing them up publicly from construction cranes.

What has a dude got to do to be blocked by a regime for fucks sake?

Block me! So I have the cachet of the Iranian blocked. Of course that just sounds like I got constipated in Tehran but still.

Block me tiny president! I found your declaration that there are no homosexuals in Iran to be hilariously deluded. The irony is that were you gay I'm sure your small size and exotic brown good looks / shaving ken style facial hair would make you an attractive niche market all your own. Aren't beardies called hair bears or something? Like a care bear ... only with a more active anus.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Noodle got fingered

We were at the mall and one of theWife's work colleagues run into us. There was chatting and admiring of theNoo.

Then the colleague stuck her finger in theboy's gob.

In her defence there had been a concurrent conversation about teething. But still... you don't be sticking your finger in my baby's mouth unless you're a fucking health professional and doing it in the context of an examination.

After she left there was that close mouthed whispered ventriloquists doll conversation you have when something unfucking believable happens but it's not yet safe to talk openly about it.

Anyway, super uncomfortable.

Taggy Goodness

Uncle Bruce has tagged me with some delish taggery. It is the 'three reasons why I blog meme.'

Now I have to list the rules. Rules are A) three reasons why I blog. B) Tag people. Actually there's another in between rule, which is to list the rule, which I have done anyway.

Phew.

Bruce is prob going to get the cranks for my fucking it up.

Anyhoo.

Why I blog, by Mikey aged mid 30's.

1) Because blogging is free; I can rant away into cyberspace for the benefit of the 2.6 average daily viewers and it costs me nowt.

2) Because I likes to rant away and blogging is the perfect delivery system; most of my rantage stays within an immediate circle of Mikey fatigue suffering acquaintances. So I can port this to the interweb and entertain a dramatically smaller circle.

3) Because at heart I am a frustrated wanna be writer with poor writing skills and at the very least I A) feel like I accomplish something here even if B) I do not and C) it's good practice ... um ... for something.

Right, nom time. Sarah/Gam obviously. Ditto MB. And ... Jimmeny Cricket

Tales of theBoy

Earlier tonight I fed theNoo some pear. He's being introduced to more solid foods and it's yet to make up a substantial portion of his diet.

Anyway, the wife was feeding theNoo his bottle and saw something on his head. Was it pear? She just had to know. So she tasted it.

It was not pear.

It was head discharge courtesy of the apparently salty tasting cradle cap.

That is all.

Area rebel resents guilt trip

Rebel flagship, Deep Space: Area Rebel, Zac Startoucher, said today that he resented the manner in which supreme allied commander Mon Mothma mentioned the sacrifice of rebel spies in obtaining details of the super death star currently in production at the briefing concerning a planned attack on the space station.

'Many Bothans died to bring us this information,' said Startoucher in a high pitched whiny voice, repeating Mothma's mention.
'Look, I dig that Bothans died to bring it to us. But we've all made sacrifices. What's the deal with singling them out for posthumous praise? What about old Dicky, the fat dude who bought on the first Death Star mission? That man had to grease himself up to fit in the cockpit. He could have backed out citing his obesity. But he didn't. He stayed there until the end, his vessel impacting into the massive station after being hit, his fat helping fuel the surprisingly noisy fiery blast.'

'What's next? Each time we eat a chicken is she going to be like "this chicken died to fill our tummies"? I wear leather shoes man, is she going to point at them and claim my enhanced foot protection stands on the cows of the fallen?'

Startoucher said the last thing he needed on the eve of a big space battle was a guilt trip about dead Bothans.

'Besides man, they are not the kewlest cats in the galaxy. They're all furry and shit. Ever used a urinal after one of them? You could fucking shave the toilet cake they shed so much.'

Startoucher said he suspected Mothma was "using material" with an eye to selling her story sometime in the future, hence the shout out to the Bothans who were big consumers of biographies.

'You know what the title should be? Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away ... some Bothans died to bring us this information. That will shift some units.'

'Those Bothans can derelicte my balls,' added Startoucher.

Startoucher also noted that he disliked Admiral Akbar because when he was at school someone called him Admiral Akbar as a joke and, because Startoucher was then a portly lad, a few minutes later the insult had morphed into Admiral Snackbar instead*.

*True story...

The Michigan Frog ... is a Mormon?

Remember this dude?



He's found in a box in the foundations of an old building. Indeed, see his wiki here.

Anyhoo, I likes to read the featured article in wiki now and then. Recently it was the saucy tale of The Golden Plates, the infamous Director's Cut of the bible found in upstate New York.

So I am reading away when I came across this bit;

"According to Smith's trusted followers, Smith said he picked up the plates, but then put them on the ground while he covered the box with the stone to protect other valuable treasures in the box from being taken later by passers-by. Nevertheless, when Smith looked back at the plates on the ground after closing the box, the plates had once again disappeared into the box. According to two non-believing Palmyra residents, when Smith once again raised the stone and attempted to retrieve the plates, Smith saw in the box something like a toad that grew larger and struck him to the ground. Although Smith's contemporary followers do not mention a toad-like creature, they agree with several non-believers that Smith said he was stricken by a supernatural force that hurled him to the ground as many as three times"

What's the bet that Smith was attempting to coax the toad to sing hello my baby and when people didn't believe him came up with the plates thing instead?

Awesome stuff. You can't make it up.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Still (not) sorry after all these years

News flash. You're never going to believe it. But John Howard, who is still gobbling at the tax payer teat (like all ex PMs it should be noted) thanks to his unfeasibly large pension, won't be in attendance at parliament when the big long awaited sorry is said.

He must be sick or something. Poor man. I hope he has a bex and a good lie down.

What the fuck is bex anyway? Ah, I see.

This is a kewl additional link on Bex.

It notes the following;

Bex powders were an Australian icon. They were a strong analgesic, comprising phenacetin, aspirin and caffeine Bex powders were the housewife’s drug of choice in the 1950's and 1960's until they were shown to be highly addictive and responsible for causing kidney disease when taken in large doses.


Here's hoping he takes large doses...

Bush V Christ

George Bush wanks on heartedly about being a Christian. Yes, I know, weird huh? Yet, of course, he acts anything but. He starts wars without thinking how they will end. Mocks women pleading for their life before he orders them killed. Vetos legislation that will give children health care coverage.

Then there's the whole torture thing.

Recently the white house backed their approval of waterboarding, still oddly claiming that to strap a man to a chair and pour water over his face so he will think he will drown is not torture.

Eugene Robinson of the Wash post has this to say.

Think about that. Did you ever imagine that we would have a president who uses legalistic euphemisms and craven rationalizations to justify strapping prisoners down and subjecting them to simulated drowning? A president who claims the right to use waterboarding, and God knows what other "techniques," in the future if he wants?

This is a moral outrage, people. At least, it should be. There simply cannot be any kind of pro-and-con debate over the use of torture -- whatever anodyne phrase you hide it behind -- by agents of the United States government on persons in custody. Torture is not debatable. It is forbidden by U.S. and international law. It is a vile implement used by tinhorn despots, not by the elected leaders of great democracies.

Unbelievable that it has come to this. Bush has sullied his office, along with his ogreish lawyer face shooting walrus chum Cheney.

When Bush stood for office back in 2000, one of his major cheer points on his stump speech was his proud boast that he would 'bring integrity back to the white house.'

I'd laugh if it wasn't so fucking sad.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

L (ad) O (ad) S (ad) T (ad)

Normally thewife and I tape commercial TV then watch it fast forwarding the ads out. Tonight we were so keyed up we decided to watch it live.

Fuck you Channel 7. How many fucking ads did you cram into that show? I am half convinced you shaved scenes just so you could fit even more in.

I wish the bad robot would come around to your place and mess you up in the head.

That is all.

Next week - taped and watched straight afterwards. No ads.

Mouth breathers

Today on the bus this dude took a loud, obnoxious phone call. No, not the other person. The dude. As in he was loud and obnoxious. 'HA HA HA, yeah we totally got wasted dude'. That sort of stuff.

The worst was his bragging that he and his friends drank the bar dry ... of Southern Comfort. One of the more spectacularly unmanly drinks out there*. 'Can you believe they only had three bottles?!' - Yes, yes I can.

Finally he told a cheerful little ditty about how his mate, loaded up on SC goodness, had a "cheeky little spew" outside.

Thanks mate, I needed that mental pic just as I started my work day.

I knew there was a downside to public transport. The fucking public.

*And I drink shandies. It's even less manly than that.

Soc B!

By purchasing the Traveller RPG 5th edition CD I have received notification in the mail today that I have been made a knight.

Suck it, losers. Bow before my hexi-B.

(NOTE: Only obscure RPG gamers will understand reference).

Lost is back!

It's on tonight. I am as excited as a little girl.

It is hands down the best fucking TV show since ... well a long fucking time.

Lost rawks it into a tasty groove.

Remember that it's on at 930 eastern standard.

Mikey makes an uh-oh

Today at work we had one of those strategic meetings you have on a cusp of a nasty re-org. Being a decade plus public service man I've survived at least six of these re-org things, if not more. Indeed in my current group I've been through three name changes. Always fun, especially having to update templates and stuff.

Anyway discussions came around to how work is assigned. The new higher level boss thinks people don't own jobs and that duty statements aren't worth the paper they are printed on. 'You work to a level of responsibility but your duties can change markedly.' She's right in one sense, that many duty statements are often hideously out of date. But she's wrong about chopping and changing. People do own jobs and they do embrace the core thrust of what they do for the most part. They don't like being shifted unless it's for promotion. Radically change what they do, pile on new stuff, kill off stuff they did will give them the mega shits unless it's done properly.

Direct boss chipped in. He's a good boss, I like him a lot, but he's a boss. He said 'executives move around every two years or so. We change what they do all the time. So why don't we do the same with the lower ranks?'

My inner monologue broke down. Without thinking I blurted out '... because they do the work.'

And it's true. We do. Executives manage, assign tasks, have meetings about how they do this, husband resources and all that guff. They don't by and large do actual hands on day to day project management work. The actual work that gets done. Moving people around wily nilly, people who do the work is moronic. All that happens is there's rushed hand overs and the old person gets calls/emails from the new person for months afterwards - if not years. The other thing that happens is, naturally enough, the new person does the job far shittier than the old person and mistakes occur.

Anyway, my honesty blurt earned me a peal of nervous titters. Luckily neither boss nor higher boss actually heard what I said. But I was so worried direct boss had, I walked into his office afterwards and apologised for saying it. I qualified my remarks by agreeing that yes 90% of jobs in the public service are interchangable. Coord people can easily learn to coord different things. Report writers can turn their report writing to other reports and stuff. But I am not generic man. I am a specialist. I am not trying to blow my trumpet here but you cannot just walk into my job and do it like that. It takes years to do it properly and in my case I was luckily enough to have a boss who knew what she was doing and taught me how to do it - even if she did fall out with me and disappear into the ether.

What is it about management? Is it because they spend so long managing they forget that actual work eventually needs to be done and needs to be done by people who know how to do it?

May I never be management. I was a supervisor once for about six weeks. Absolutely hated it. Some people lead, some follow, others are left the fuck alone to do their job and tell management what they need to hear. I am the latter.

Rock on fellow office people.

Specy ad placement

Late last night there was one of those sexed up serial killer docos called Born to Kill? Which was about Fred West. I say sexed up because it featured a Fredspert watching grainy slides and home movies against the cellar wall where Fred N Rose got to work.

During one of the ad breaks this (dramatization) flashed on the screen.




















For a second I thought it was an ad promoting the community inspired joys of serial killing. Alas no, it was an ad for the Fred Hollows foundation.

On another related side note, when I typed Fred West into wiki I accidentally typed Red West... who exists too!

Only he's not a serial killer.

Oh RE Fred West. Apparently he was rumbled when someone took an overheard threat of 'Don't misbehave or we will bury you under the patio with your sister' to the police. Who dug up said patio ... and found several bodies.

Holy crap, what a fuckstick.

Mobiles

Today at work I passed two men talking mobiles to separate people (I presume they weren't talking to each other).

I was this close to whipping out mine and joining in!

Bog Watch II

Posit: You are at a friends place and, after twosies, you discover you have left marks on the porcelain. They have a brush.

Is the moral thing that you clean it up?

I'd say yes.

Okay then. They don't have a brush. Are you expected to wedge up some TP, dab, then flush?

Dunno. If it was above the waterline perhaps.

On a side but clearly related note twice in my life I've had to break up uber shits with a stick when said shit was not mine. That's fucked up.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

What I love about the 2008 US election

So far, of the top three front runners from both Dems and Republicans, I like them all. Don't get me wrong, McCain is a bit of a grumpy old coot but he's moderate (whether he likes it or not) and he don't take no shit from the fundys. Obama and Clinton are both rawkful.

Bring on November.

Notaguarrantee

With thanks to Spicks and Specks who spotted these tasty gifts at the Sting shop.


Worst. Website. Ever.

Actually I tell a lie, but it is pretty bad.

With thanks to MB who spotted it first.


Brendan Nelson's personal website.


What the hell is he doing in that forest?!




















Also, correct me if I am wrong, but isn't it illegal to ride a motorbike without a helmet on?

Area super wedgers demand end to wedging

I saw an door stop today where Barners, aka Barnaby Joyce, accused the new spanking and far nicer federal govt on wedging the coalition on the sorry issue.

I shit you not.

Barners was a member of a government that super wedged the ALP on all manner of stuff - civil liberties being the primo example, with refugees etc coming up close behind.

It's like the school bully with the waistbands of countless undies in his hands still complaining to teacher that he himself had just been wedged.

Unbelievable.

I don't for a second see the ALP actually actively attempting to wedge the coalition. These fucksticks are wedging themselves. As evidenced by the fact Mr Pendulum, aka Brendan Nelson, won the top job by intimating he wasn't sorry even though he owns not one but two giant Nevile Bonner portraits and cried massive tearsies when reading the Bringing them Home report.

I blew my luck wad

I've meaning to read Reagan's wiki for a while, given I wrote about his presidency earlier this month, so today I decided to access wiki and look him on up.

As you can see I had a one in 2,213,058 chance of wanting the featured article.

So there goes all my lotto luck. Blown across the dazzling features of the Gipper himself.

Consarnit.

Empty salutations

I just got an out of office email that wished me a nice day. Why would I care what an automatic email wished me? I think that's dumb. Especially if said person doesn't like me and wouldn't ordinarially wish me a nice day anyway.

Note to self

When meeting new boss who is around five pay grades higher than you, don't immediately stroke your beard suggestively and say 'we fellow beardies need to stick together' or words to that effect. Otherwise he will say '... okay ... ' in a tumbleweed manner and his escort for the floor walk will desperately try and change the topic.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Now that's a counterpoint!

From Friday's Crikey...

The Liberals choke on a "sorry" response

David MacCormack writes:

What a difference a change of government makes. Now, the party most closely identified with wedge politics is being damn near cleft in twain – and over the apology to the "stolen generations", of all issues.

This should serve as a reminder that, when last in office, Labor was none too shabby at wedge politics itself. The underrated Michael Lavarch adeptly split the Coalition's ranks on issues like Tasmania's homophobic criminal laws. It didn't help them much come 1996, but it was fine sport to watch.

This time around it doesn't even look like Rudd and Macklin are trying particularly hard to politicise the apology. They've just said "13 February" and "sorry" and watched the Coalition tear itself apart.

It doesn't help that the Coalition leadership has no idea how to handle this. Like it or not, there are arguments against a formal apology. As John Howard often argued, it could lead to compensation demands – which is exactly what has happened, with demands from some indigenous leaders for a billion dollars in payouts.
Another is that an apology overlooks those individual circumstances where forced removal benefited the "victim". There is also a need to clearly indicate that the removal of children did not in any way amount to "genocide", and to claim it was is to insult the memory of groups who have been the victim of mass extermination.

All are arguments that resonate with voters, regardless of whether we latte-sipping elitists approve.

But nothing coherent is coming from the Coalition hold-outs. Nelson first tried to claim that there were more important things for Parliament to be doing than apologising. When he realised that this perhaps looked a bit churlish, he adopted a holding position, demanding to see the wording – a position that he'll find increasingly difficult to hold to between now and 12 February. There's only one word that matters, and that's "sorry", and we all know that will be in there.

Tony "people skills" Abbott – however improbably, the Opposition's indigenous affairs spokesman – has offered the Pythonesque line that Rudd and Macklin are "making it up as they go along". He should know – that's appears to be the Opposition's approach, too.

They look like a rabble. They're also missing the point that sometimes you need to cut your losses. There's a mood to say "sorry" and get on with repairing what St Kevin of the Clumsy Metaphor called the "bridge of respect". Even Parliament's mad uncle, Bill Heffernan, thinks it's a good idea.

Either the Coalition leadership should rally around a coherent position on why going beyond the previous expression of "deep and sincere regret" made by Parliament under Howard in 1999 is not appropriate, or they should minimise the damage to themselves by backing the apology. They may not really mean it, but at least it's sensible politics.

And from Today's (and a response to the above).

A sorry excuse for not apologising

Editor of The National Indigenous Times Chris Graham writes:

I've seen some offensive things in my time -- Tony Abbott springs to mind. But rarely have I seen something as downright ugly as that dished up on Friday by Crikey contributor David MacCormack (friday, item 3).

Under the headline 'The Liberals choke on a "sorry" response', MacCormack notes: "Like it or not, there are arguments against a formal apology. As John Howard often argued, it could lead to compensation demands -- which is exactly what has happened, with demands from some Indigenous leaders for a billion dollars in payouts."

Well David, there's 'arguments' against penicillin as well, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're cogent. Thus:

Number 1: This may come as a shock, David, but your fearless former leader lied to you. A collective national apology -- as opposed to a statement of 'sincere and deep regret' -- will not strengthen a single individual case for compensation. Period. Anyone who tells you otherwise is probably considering a tilt at the Liberal leadership... which is not in itself a bad thing.

Number 2: In arguing against a formal apology because it might trigger a compensation bill (even though it won't), MacCormack seems to fear that we all might end up doing 'the right thing'. What a horrible thought.

As Nicole Watson, a Murri academic from the Ngiya Institute recently told The National Indigenous Times: "Compensation is not extraordinary. We have compulsory third party insurance schemes to ensure that victims of motor vehicle accidents are compensated. Our court system is filled with negligence cases. There's the James Hardie issue.... It seems to me that the issue of compensation only becomes controversial when it's raised by Indigenous people."

If MacCormack or anyone out there can provide a coherent argument against compensation, I'd love to hear it.

MacCormack also notes: "There is also a need to clearly indicate that the removal of children did not in any way amount to 'genocide', and to claim it was is to insult the memory of groups who have been the victim of mass extermination."

Horsesh-t. I think "clearly indicating that the removal of children did not in any way amount to genocide" might actually be more of a 'want' than a 'need', David.

A 'need' is basic health care, housing and education, something that has been denied many Aboriginal people for a very long time.

'Genocide' may not have been accomplished, but it wasn't through lack of trying. If Crikey readers are interested in the motivations behind the creation of policies like forced removals, they might like to google the name 'A.O. Neville.' Come up with a more accurate word than 'Genocide' to describe his intentions and I'll shout you dinner.

MacCormack also mentions in his article that "... an apology overlooks those individual circumstances where forced removal benefited the 'victim'."

Of all the Stolen Generations myths, this is by far the most offensive. I'd suggest people who believe this rubbish actually go out and try and find a member of the Stolen Generations who thinks he or she 'benefited' from being removed.

By the same logic, some women held as 'comfort wives' by the Japanese during WWII were not "victims" at all. They were actually being s-xually liberated! And in the 1940s, no less, 20-odd years before they began burning bras!

Upon extracting his head from his arse, David MacCormack might like to know a few 'facts' as opposed to fantasies:

- During the early 1930s, the British Anti-Slavery Society in London was alleging that Aboriginal people in northern Australia worked in conditions "no better than slavery".

- In the 1940s, numerous reports of Aboriginal people starving on northern pastoral stations began to emerge.

- By the 1950s, it was still legal in Queensland to contract children under 12 years of age into work, provided you got the approval of the chief protector/director of the local mission.

- During the 1960s -- the start of an era of unparalleled prosperity in Australia -- Aboriginal people were still living in squalid, horrendous conditions, working as slaves for no wages while being deliberately prevented from ever building an assets base, or a decent life for themselves.

- Right up until 1986 -- two years before the bi-centenary, ­black workers in Queensland still weren' paid equal wages by the Bjelke-Petersen government.

Why raise all this non Stolen generations stuff? Because Aboriginal people have endured two centuries of deliberate, institutionalised bigotry, racism and violence and yet David MacCormack,­ a middle-class white Australian male, the dominant species -- has the hide to cast retrospective judgment on their parenting skills. How dare he.

In the interest of science, perhaps we should take MacCormack and his family and subject them to the sorts of conditions Aboriginal people were forced to endure. Stuff two centuries - I'll bet you his children would 'benefit' from a little removal within TWO WEEKS.

Aboriginal children were removed from communities that were willfully, deliberately, criminally neglected by governments. This despair and suffering was socially engineered simply because in Australia, you don't win elections in Australia by spending money on 'the blacks'. That's how you lose elections.

Finally, MacCormack writes: "Either the Coalition leadership should rally around a coherent position on why going beyond the previous expression of "deep and sincere regret" made by Parliament under Howard in 1999 is not appropriate, or they should minimise the damage to themselves by backing the apology."

And I thought I was cynical. Sorry, David, but you're part of the problem, not the solution, so it's time to renew your membership to the Liberal Party and have that tilt at the leadership. The Libs could really use you.

Indeed. To all those people that whine about Aboriginal "benefits" or compensation my challenge is this. If you had a choice, given everything that has happened to indigenous Australians, would you choose to be aboriginal?

Sunday, February 03, 2008

New Idea - the bottom of the barrel

Ledger's body hasn't even arrived in Oz and NI managed to dig up Heath's "first love" for an interview (according to the ad I just saw).

Stay tuned for former employees and the people who served him coffee for their memories of the now dead super star.

New Idea have managed to also conflate the death of Ledger with that of Michael Hutchence, another uber celeb died young. The connection? Ledger was once approached to play the belt enjoying rocker in a movie biopic.

Holy fuck what a fucking stretch.

















I do LOVE the 'that poor little girl'. This is the same girl whose father was hounded out of living in Oz by ghoulish media like these fucks feeding off his fame. All those blurry privacy invasions you see in mags? Yep, mags like this one.

The Boom Was a Bust For Ordinary People

An excellent article from the Wash post on America's economy when experienced from the bottom. That the growth of recent years was more due to squeezing workers than any actual growth in real productivity. See here.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, whose the fairest lender of them all?

X-inc apparently. This Orwellian named company just had an ad on SBS that featured some sort of power couple on their way to a dinner party or concert chatting about interest rates and house loans etc. At one point they had their backs to the camera whilst they adjusted their clobber in a mirror - in which we could still see their animated faces rabbeting on about the awesomeness that is X-inc. It seriously looked like something out of a demented financially themed fairy tale

I wonder if the lads at the worst animatronic theme park in the history of the world, Fantasy Glade in Port Macquarie, are going to do up this tableau for visitors? Hell, at least they'd get corporate sponsorship.

That's it! From now on all animatronic displays should be twinned with corporate advertising. Like the Duff Abraham Lincoln from the Simpsons.

UPDATE - A YT link to the ad can be found here.

I know when I am preparing to go out for a schmicky dinner party etc experience I like to talk to thin air about housing finance.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

What do you see?


















Limpid pools of black, where I lose myself. I swim deep, deep, deep within them. Then, he is inside me. Driving me towards not black but light. The light of pure ecstasy. "Vladdy" I cry. "VLLLLLAAAAAADDDDDDYYYYYYYYY".

And so forth.

Lift conversations

Ever listen in? This was one from yesterday.

'Anyway he's making us eat a big shit sandwich and then we have to chase a rabbit down a hole'.

Sounds like like a Japanese endurance gameshow meets LSD.

Corridor Chicken

Yesterday, whilst striding across the foyer of my building, another foyer travelling dude was coming towards me. Neither of us got out of each other's way and we ended up scraping shoulders. What's the deal with that?

Okay, so it wasn't a corridor but the alliteration happens with corridor.

Bugger me this was a Grandpa Simpson story and a half.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Well hello...

Hello dear! You have interested me, and I want write to you. I want to tell you some facts about me! My name is Vera. I am 26, I am 165, 49 kg. I live in town Saint Petersburg in Russia. I have only my mom, my dad died 4 years ago. I am the only child unfortunately! I rent an apartment not far from my work. I work as a teacher of dances, usually I work from 3pm till 9 pm. I like my work and it is a good money if work hard :):):) I am proud that I am able to rent an apartment! 5 months ago I bought my computer and began discovering internet! It is captivating!!! It may seem that I have everything to live happily but it is not so! I have problems with finding a boyfriend and love of all my life :):):) Some men want to date with me but I don't like them, the men I would like to date with are already married or have serious relationship with other women! That is terrible! I speak good English and that is why I decided to search all over the English speaking world :):):) I do believe that it is possible to meet my special one on internet! Many women met their soulmates abroad and they are very happy with them. Why not?!?! Well, what else to tell you about me?! I have a couple of best friends and I spend my free time with them. Usually we go to the cinema or to disco. I like to dance very much!!! It is wonderful when work is hobby and passion! I visit my mom several times a week, I help her about the house and we just talk! My mother have good work as bookkeeper. We can pay for all life expenses. And I will not ask you help me with money. I know many stories about it. If you will write to me more, you will understand, that I am not such girl! My girlfriend find her husband on internet in last year. She move to Australia and they have happy family. She write to me letter every week. Also I teach dances in orphan house for free. I like kids and I feel that I help them a lot, they don't have parents and I am sure that I make their life better! When I offered to teach dances, I was said that my wage would be very small. I said that I would do it without any salary. I have another good work and I just want to make this world less cruel for those kids. 3 times a week I go there. Oh, the most important thing I would like to tell you. I need serious relationship, I don't want to have a penpal. I have much love to give and I need somebody loves me also. I don't want to ask you many questions, just write me about yourself as I did. And of course feel free to ask questions! You can write to me on my e-mail ____@gmail.com Have a nice day! Sincerely Vera.


I feel like Artie Ziff when he met Marge's sisters.

It's good Vera teaches pole dancing to the orphans. Someone has to give them life skills.

Reagan is the shizzle apparently

I'm watching the Republican debates on youtube. Surprisingly there's some good ideas they are coming up with. Unsurprisingly mostly not.

What is interesting is the deification if you will of Reagan. 'We live in the house that Reagan built' gushed Romney solemnly. McCain too claimed status as 'foot-soldier for Reagan'. And so on.

So what. Reagan was not a great president. He run up the deficit big time and massively arced up military spending. Yes, he was Charles in Charge when the Cold War sputtered out but to say it was he and he alone is complete bunk. The world economy had changed and planned command economies were dying. Russia couldn't afford to fight anymore. Furthermore Reagan deliberately skirted Congress to fund pet causes like death squads against ideological enemies in South America. Yes, the Cold War was dirty and the Soviets fought very dirty. But tell that to those villagers herded into the square and machine gunned by right wing killers fueled with Iran contra money.

Like Bush Reagan had a folksy charm. He was genial, affable, and yes a compassionate conservative. But he was a so so president who did a lot of damage along the way.

So why the fuck are the Republicans falling over to compare themselves to him? Who knows. Perhaps its because when Reagan left office he was actually still popular despite his misdeeds. And he succeeded in crafting an idea America was great again, helped massively with the USSR dying on his watch. But it was very much perception as reality, not reality.

I'm sure there are those that disagree. But Reagan did shit all for the lower echelons of US society. He made it seem as if all one needed was gumption when in fact even more than the UK and Oz it depended on where you were born and who you wore born to as to the chances you received in life.
And the fact he has early onstage Alzheimer's in his last year in office yet remained in the chair is simply frighting.

I'm sure he was a nice guy. But, like Bush II, he was surrounded by neo-con arse hats who had to be reined in time and time again. The same arse-hats who sold modern military tech to Iran of all people then used the illegal funds gained to fund right wing extremists in their battles against popular backed left wing regimes.

Oh, and when those neo-cons were found guilty or faced trial, what did he do? He pardoned them.

God bless America. I bet you my trusty groat Bush pardons a whole bunch of these righty fucktards when he heads out the door. Likely including himself. And yes, that is possible.

UPDATE: The Cold War actually ended under Bush I, but Reagan was "credited" with the victory because of the belief that his willingness to piss treaties banning weapons in space away in a massively expensive never realised "star wars" program was somehow responsible for the Soviets going bankrupt thanks to a weapons race. Anyway, see this wash post article here about this Reagan lionising and the more somber reality of his sometimes shaky rule.

Biggest Loser sneak peeks

They run them at 730. Five minutes of hushed breathy 'Biggest Loser' snippets.

Channel 10, I do not give a shit. Can you please fuck the sneak peeks off my TV screen? Thanks.

Guy Rundle Goodness

Guy's out in yank land reporting on the US election for Crikey. This is today's effort. Taking a leaf out of George Costanza's book I could read Rundle if my hair was on fire.

US08: Bitter jousting in the library by p-rn central

From Guy Rundle in California:

"I suppord Governor MerCainnn". As California governator Arnold Schwarzenegger wades into the Republican race with an endorsement, has Mitt Romney been terminated? Certainly that's the view among the punditocracy. Today, on the multi-channel feed of the one show Americans seem to love – Angry Fiftyish White Men Yelling At The Camera – that seemed to be the feeling.

"Can Romney hang in there?" was the question on everyone's lips. Wasn't that way a week ago, but that was before McCain scarfed up endorsements from Florida governor Charlie Crist, Giuliani and now Schwarzenegger. None of these were exactly surprising, but added to the Florida win, they've given McCain a momentum that has shifted the balance of the GOP race.

That's as far as the media goes anyway. Yet there's no guarantee that this new received wisdom will be borne out on Super Tuesday, with a mix of open and closed primaries. Having McCain run for the Republican primary is not quite like Petro Georgiou running for head of the Liberal Party, but it comes pretty close, and the great and good are mobilised in pretty much the same way here as they would be there to keep the leftie weirdo out of the running.

One of the things that make McCain so unattractive to the Republican hardcore is his lack of vengefulness. Having been a prisoner of the Vietnamese for six years, he spent a lot of time trying to get the US embargo on the country reversed – surely one of the most vengeful embargoes of all time. When he speaks about illegal immigrants, he talks about the humanitarian exceptions that would have to be made. You wouldn't want to go overboard on this stuff – he's a professional politician and a client of special interest like anyone – but his occasional outbursts of moderation are enough to sour him permanently with a large section of the base.

Romney, by contrast, never misses a beat. The combination of "strength", "family" etc in his message is a soft-core very American fascism-lite – breed boys so we can send them overseas. Everything squeaky-clean and life-denying is in his persona. No doubt what I am about to say is not true of Romney himself, but he looks like the type of over-neat suburban type who pays hookers to p-ss in his mouth in chain store motel rooms.

To get back into the game on an equal standing, Romney needed to skewer McCain in last night's debate at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in the Simi Valley. The place is California at its best – an attempt at dignity and instant heritage (complete with a scaled down version of the Oval Office) only slightly undermined by the fact that it's next door to hardcore porn central the San Fernando Valley, so close you can almost smell the lube on the wind.

Romney and McCain jousted quite bitterly, to the point where the debate nearly collapsed for a time, but neither came out on top. The real winner was Huckabee, because he's the only one willing to call a spade a bloody shovel. "We're going to effectively borrow $15 billion from China to fund this stimulus package which will give six hundred bucks to people which they will go and spend on stuff they don't need, most of it made in China. We're stimulating the economy alright, I just don't know whose it is."

Which is plain good sense about this desperate measure which truth-in-advertising would call the "Look Busy" Act. And more good sense follows from the Huck: "We should be investing in infrastructure."

Yes Mike you should. But you won't because private money will never invest in something tricky like a bridge, when it can make a quicker, easier buck off shipping 50,000 Jamie Lynn Spears bobble-head dolls or – the best thing I've seen yet – life insurance for pets. Fair enough. They've got dependents too. Sea Monkeys, hundreds of thousands. Where was I?

Ah yes. Huckabee, like all the candidates, talks about the need to reinvest, but none of them have the guts to talk back to their base, or to the dominant myths by which it lives. So they wander around in clouds of abstraction and feel-good bromides about American ingenuity. Nothing could illustrate the disconnect better than the uncritical veneration of Ronald Reagan in this respect – the President who presided over a massive blow out of the deficit that helped tip the world into the 1990-92 recession, the funding of the Mujahadeen that would give birth to radical Islamist terrorism.

But it was once again the Huck who said the only sensible thing all night, to the asinine question posed to each candidate "why would Ronald Reagan endorse you?" - "I don't know that Ronald Reagan would endorse any of us, and I'm not going to make any claims that he would endorse me." Wow. Plain common sense.

Tonight, the two remaining Democrat candidates duke it out in the final debate before Super Tuesday – and with John Edwards' withdrawal, it's going to be a flat out battle between inspiration and experience – Obama and Clinton – each lacking the other. Everyone is running a book on why Edwards dripped out days before Super Tuesday, when the sheer drift of momentum might have given him enough candidates to be a possible kingmaker in a split convention. Some suggest he was so desperately short of money that he simply couldn't pay for the advertising necessary to stave off a dismal showing; that he doesn't want to be in the kingmaker position for his longterm viability; that he is still hoping for a VP nomination by candidates conscious of their need to get back sections of the good ol' boy vote; or it may be personal, as his wife Elizabeth has cancer come out of remission.

Whatever the case, it removes the one candidate who was willing to really talk in specifics about the way the US was failing a good forty to fifty million of its citizens. He's much missed in the debate which is just getting underway as I write, in which both Hills and Obama are waffling their way through a health care proposal which would leave 15-20 million uninisured and another twenty underinsured.

Some may have been confused by the Edwards slogans about "defending the middle class" – an odd phrase to Australian ears, where any proposed government initiative can be undermined as "middle class welfare". But what has happened in the US has been an effective detachment between the broad group we would call "middle class" – the interests and destinies of professionals and high-tier managerial people have gone in an entirely different direction from middle managers, lower tier professionals, office workers etc.

For the former group there is no word, a perfect demonstration of the old adage that "the smartest thing the devil did was convincing the world he didnt exist". The two-lawyer, two-doctor etc families are the people for whom this country is run – they have the money to avoid crime, to avoid bad schools, to not only have good health insurance but enough liquidity for any chronic illness that would exhaust their health insurance, and so on.

It is the middle class below them that Edwards and the other Dems pitch too, because their lives have a relentless hum of fear to them – fear that your company will raid the pension plan (the pension plan that you or your union have no control over), that Dad will have a stroke and you'll have to sell the family home to pay for care, that you won't be able to amass the hundred grand or so to help your kids avoid lifelong student debts.

These are not the free-floating 4am fears of sudden disaster that everyone gets – they are the simple context of everyday middle class life, of a type that the European and Australasian middle class have not know for two generations, and you can't understand the degree to which the US has diverged from other western societies if you can't enter imaginatively into that space.

Edwards' first concern was for the poor – the twenty percent of Americans in low income work who are technically homeless, for example, pulling shifts at Walmart or Waffle House and sleeping on friends' couches or living week to week at the Days Inn or Motel 6, shifting to the car during holiday season when the rates climb. But he knew what he, and the Democrats need to do is bring over all those people who voted agains their own immediate economic interests in 2000 and 2004, bamboozled by the sugar rush of the "war on terror", can-do etc, etc etc.

Yet there was always something lacking in Edwards push, always some fire in the belly missing. He couldn't quite bring himself to really pull the cord on the chainsaw of populism and carve up the joint. To do that he would have needed to talk more about how the place had got into what everyone – Democrat and GOP – acknowledges is a mess, about the degree to which any family earning less than $150 grand a year here is to some degree mere raw material for corporate service providers, about how it is essentially a war of the system against the population. He stuck to a moderate version of that, and then had to watch as Obama and Clinton moved their centrist message slightly leftwards to scarf up his best lines. Like all candidates he was beholden – he worked for a hedge fund between 2004 and 2008, foreclosing on New Orleans properties people lost because they received neither insurance payouts nor disaster relief funds – but he had the beginnings of a program. Whether the two surviving contenders will take it up remains to be seen, but it was the only thing that had the real grit of politics about it.

Except for the Huckabee of course. Dang that man makes sense. I'm sure all those fossils were buried by the Masons in 1924.