Wednesday, July 30, 2008


I spent much of the day inputing data from returned forms. The last question was 'Do you have any comments or suggestions?'

You'd think if you didn't have any you'd leave it blank right?

At least two people wrote 'No.'

These people are Homers.

That is all.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Chinese food

Delish going down. Not so much delish coming back up. I esp hate it how, being little bits, it often arrives above the flush mark inside the toilet bowl and you have to dab it off manually.

Stupid surgery. Stupid HM for eating it too fast and paying the price as a result.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Ah the LNP

Finally the Nats and the Libs have merged, two have become one, in Qld.

God bless Qld peoples that you no longer have to split your conservative party vote between two worthies and just have the one worthy.

City conservatives and country conservatives, will a helping of reclaimed One Nation voters, ready to take on dastardly Labor. Hooray!

Liberal National Party eh? I liked my name much better.


TheNoo had an unsettled early morning. From 5 am he screamed fairly constantly for an hour. Nothing was wrong - he was all smiles when you went in to check - but he took an hour to give up on his campaign of getting on up before he went back to sleep. It was a shocker.

I was wearing socks when I first went to check up on him. I don't know how I managed to see it in my sleep interrupted fucked mentally state but the fucking cats, or one of them, had ralphed all over the floor in front of theBoy's door. One of those mostly liquid with bits vomits. I was about one foot away from slopping through it.

So a minute later, at pre-sparrows, there I was with wads of kitchen towel sopping up cat sick.

And that was probably today's high point.

Mood lighting

At my work they're trialling LEDs in place of halogens in one of the lifts. There's even this lovely likely-cost-more-in-carbon-to-make-than-saved-by-the-change-in-lighting framed poster mounted on the wall extolling its virtues.

The lift has gone from bright to dim. But not nasty dim - nice dim. The sort of dim you'd find in one of those alley way wine bars in Melbourne. In fact they should stick in one of those dodgy household bars that were all the rage in the 70's. You know - the sort with the stuffed cane toad waltzing with a bottle of Bundy on the counter along side a dust covered glass stein that has faded plastic monkey headed twizzle sticks in it and the only thing left in the bar was flat soda water and a carafe of shitty cherry that was ten years past it.

That would be kewl.


All I can say is that I am so fucking glad I was already on anti-depressants when the latest thing hit.

Life. Don't talk to me about life.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

And yea ...

... for did the Lord not say 'you wouldst scrubbeth up well if thy applied a bit of lippy and did your hair. For your unseemly appearance offends the Lord thy God when you do not make an effort for men. Do not hide your assets beneath a bush. Glow forth with the juice of the berry applied to thy face so a man becometh interested in thee.'

Well done Hillsong. Way to teach the message of Christ.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Obama's Speech

Here's a link to Barack Obama's speech in Berlin.

Fucking hell, good speech.

Movie Splurge

TheWife and I have had a rent-cheap-DVDs splurge of late. Here's what we watched. They all rawked.

The Invasion
Charlie Wilson's War
Run Fatboy, Run

Loved all of them. Even loved Samuel Jackson's white hair in Jumpers. The special effects in that were kick arse. Simon Pegg naturally rawks at everything he does and was exceptional in RFR.

All good stuff.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

More Symptoms!

Wait, that's not all. Now my teeth hurt and I feel like I have acid burning down my throat all the time. Though theWife thinks the later could be just a weird sore throat. I am so, so sick of this.

Symptoms are likely more intense because I doubled my dose (as per instruction). Feel a bit listless. But it's taken the edge off the really intense emotional waves. Well I think it has. It typically takes four weeks to have any real effect according to the doc so maybe I am getting a placebo-esq reaction.

Stupid meds.

Another Fox Po from HM

Today whilst washing my hands at work I noticed in the mirror there was a light grease stain on my shirt around the pec area. Annoyed, I rubbed at it ... with my soaking wet hand. This naturally soaked my shirt around the nipple area.

I then walked into the meeting. Without thinking I loudly apologised for lactating.

Fucking hell.

Then, when they said Boss++ was going to be away I suggested we have a Mexican theme in her absence.

'With ponchos and sombreros and nachos and ...'

At that point I trailed off since everyone was staring blankly at me.

Finally someone mentioned our Xmas in August celebration. Someone asked if there were going to be elves. I swear blind I heard Elvis.

'What, a Christmas Elvis? Here's a trainset - thank-yew-very-much uh-ha-ha, Elvis has left the Chimney.'

And so forth. I even did the Elvis power arm twirl in the corridor. Again, nothing.

The irony is of course that really the only difference between fat jumpsuit Elvis and Santa are are the colours of their outfits and facial hair.

I'd like to see Christmas Elvis as a tradition. I think this year I shall institute it for theBoy.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


I really can't stand autosigs on emails where the person has used a cursive like font as if they signed their name on the email as opposed to having typed it. I especially hate those ones where in brackets they have their name in a clear typeface after the cursive version.

These people shit me up the fucking wall.

Today somebody topped this. I didn't think it was possible but they did.

Their autosig.


Their fucking photo.

Yes, that's right. They had a picture of themselves as their autosig.

Fucking hell what a narcissistic fuck-knuckle.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


Sorry regular reader lads. Been a bit feh in the last couple of days and haven't had anything to blog of remote interest to anyone. And considering some of my topics of choice you know I must be very feh indeed. Hopefully will perk up soon.

Am back at work. It's okay so far. Still wish I was on leave however.

Feh is the same as meh by the way.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

60 minutes

"I'm not exaggerating but pollution is literally choking the oceans."

Wow. I didn't know the ocean had a throat and that pollution has hands with opposable thumbs with which to choke it.

Why am I watching 60 mins? I hate BB, am taping Dr Who, Choirs is meh, and watching the WYD highlights not high up on my list of must watch.

Social niceties

Lately it's been really hard to respond to 'how are you?' without saying 'terrible'. Especially with shop counter staff. I know it's part of the social contract that service people inquire about your general wellbeing before they attempt to process your transaction but really I wish they wouldn't. Just a nice hello would do. I mean it's not like they will care and offer me a hug if I do tell them how I feel.

Maybe I could have a how-I-am meter like the health bar in computer games worn around my neck rapper bling style? If people can see it's down near the red then they won't bother to ask how I am. Just go straight to the greeting. Maybe in 10 years we can all wear mood rings that actually have like 12 settings on it to reflect your mood and the little RFD beeps at the shoppie to say 'shithouse' before they even ask thus to prevent an embarrassment.

Mind you single guys would simply set it to horny.

I wish Star Trek phasers had that setting.

'Mr Sulu, set your phaser to horny. I'm going in.'


Friday, July 18, 2008


Did you know that many believe that 616 is the real number of the beast?

Ah Wiki, I could rock you all night long - and everyday.

This fully reminds me of when Chief Wiggam gave Homer the real emergency number in the Stone Cutters episode.

Downer on Q&A

I'm about 20 mins into watching the taped from last night show. Dolly was in a snit about nasty churches telling his former government off for being a cunt but smirking that 'well they believe in a bunch of silly tosh that they can't agree about so what does that say?!' before leaning back in his seat for some extra smirk power.

So that's five minutes of my life I am not getting back.

UPDATE David Marr just fully pwned the Catholic view on homosexuality (courtesy of Angela Shanahan of the Oz). This man is my hero. Go Marrsy!


This may sound a bit American Beauty but there is something wondrous about the reflection of streetlight in rain spattered puddles.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Weekend at Benedicts?

The pope in the pope mobile.

Weekend at Bernies

Is it me or does the dude in the pope mobile down the bottom fully look like he's doing the 'waving using wires' WaB trick?

Oh come on

Tingling teeth wasn't even on the fucking side effects list.

Stupid medication.

Otherwise travelling ok. Sleep a bit disrupted but then my sleep has never been great.

George W Bush Presidential Library revealed

Pope Watch

Every single news bulletin today has been fixated on the movements of an old man in a dress. I know he's an important figure on the world stage, but gushing about every single move this man makes is not really news.

Channel 10 inflicted by rampant paranoia

"I believe somebody is always watching"

What the hell? What sort of slogan is that? That's like convincing 14 year old boys not to whack off because the big man upstairs, who has the whole universe to run, is just as concerned about the activity down in their pants as he is about maintaining the laws of motion.

The joys of being clippered back

Once upon a time I was a pony tail man. It wasn't a good pony tail. And being overweight naturally I got likened to the Comic Store guy.

Then I noticed a bald patch started appearing - looking like a vine covered cave entrance with my long stringy pony tail hair - so after a while of watching it expand over time I decided to get it all cut off for my brother's wedding.

So I went from arse long hair to a number 4 I think.

It was weird seeing all that hair I had lovingly grown for four or five years ribbon to the ground, but once it was off I have to admit it felt good. Gone were the days of your hair being damp for hours after a shower. And you could rub your head dry in seconds. It was a nice change.

I've been a clipper back person ever since. I let it grow until it gets annoying, then get a 4 or 3 to pare it back.

Yesterday I got a three. The lovely cutter wanted to do small talk but in truth I hate small talk so I just gave yes/no responses. Finally it was all done and it actually made me feel better.

Plus, for those people that scale watch, you lose weight! Not much but still it's something.

Anyway I bounded into the Hyperdome like a newly shorn sheep then happily drove home.

It's funny how a little thing like having a haircut can perk up your mood.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Back on the chain gang

Well today I started a course of anti-depressants. This is I think the third time I have been on them. Once back in 96, another time in 2002, and now well now.

Here's some of the side effects I have to look forward to.

Most common

* Weight loss or gain (most often gain)
* Headache
* Nausea
* Dry mouth
* Increased sweating
* Drowsiness/Somnolence or Insomnia
* Increased or decreased appetite
* Constipation or diarrhea
* Inability to achieve orgasm
* Partial or complete loss of libido (sexual desire)
* Erectile dysfunction
* Tremor
* Vertigo/Dizziness/Motion sickness

Less common

* Increased feelings of depression and anxiety (initially)
* Apathy
* Loss of empathy
* Flattening of emotional response
* Nocturnal salivation
* Nocturnal bruxism (teeth grinding)
* Pupil dilation
* Asthenia or muscle weakness
* Muscle ache
* Pruritis
* Rash
* Nightmares or change in dreams
* Change in sense of taste

Last time I think I had weight gain (hooray), insomnia, libido loss and apathy. So that's nice.

I'm on it for a month, they will review, then see how I am travelling as to what happens next. I've taken some knocks of late, and pain from various sources has been bad recently, so it's a good thing I am on them. I still don't like it. I saw a counsellor the other day and I have to admit it was weird sharing all this darkly personal stuff with a stranger. Not sure if I will go back. I guess I will wait and see. Still the fact I saw a counsellor may resolve one of the issues. Who knows. Probably not.

I've grappled with depression in one form or another for years. Mostly light depression. Not the crippling can't get of bed for two days stuff. More the soldier on with a velvet cloak of sad around your shoulders kind. A lot of it is situational, bought on by events or failings on my part. Others is body related - being overweight, in low grade constant pain much of the time, crappy knees, ninja unfriendly bone cracking noises etc.

So yeah now and then I go back on the ADs. This time I will not go off them cold turkey. Last time I got the WORST head spins. Like when you bum puffed 1/2 a pack of cigs on a drinkie night when you're normally a non smoker.

Anyway, wish me luck with it. I am off work for a couple of days to let the meds sink in. Apparently the worst of the sleep impacts happens in the first 48 hours.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Analytics fun

I noticed that a frequent member of the top 20 keyword google searches leading here is as follows.

Horses Copulating.

Unfortunately for equine sex fiends it leads to this post.

Although it should be said at that post there is indeed a pic of two horses going at it.

George Pell would be very pleased that at least some of God's creatures are doing the nasty. Even if they're probably not Catholics.

Go you good thing

Pure. West.

Video 2000

1) Their DVD to Video ratio is like 50 to 1

2) It's 2008

Time to rebrand people. You too Video Ezy. Mind you DVD Ezy sounds like a reversed Cause and Effect of an unpleasant VD.

"Yeah babe, I got a screaming case of DVD. You better get checked out by the free clinic."

Indeed. It's only common sense.

Nestle's Milo Cereal

Who the fuck are they trying to kid that it's actually "good for us"?

With more wholegrains and fibre. Please. It's like 22% fucking sugar.

Milo's attempts at health washing their products as vital kid energy have been transparent since day one.

UPDATE: Milo cereal is actually 31% sugar according to Nestle's website.

Nestle, I manifestly apologise for misrepresenting your cereal as only 22% sugar.

Perils of baby ownership

Babies eventually like getting kisses. They do. TheNoo's starting to warm up to the idea.

Babies also lack full control of their very hard heads.

Today whilst leaning in to lock lips on his kissable mole-man like head theNoo kissed me first.

Liverpool kissed me.

Area bottom lip swelled and blood from cut inside mouth seeped.

Why are their heads so unbelievably hard?

Anyway, if you're leaning in to lay one on a baby, just be very, very careful on the final approach.

Bush II's mid east adventure fully pwned

Check out the Wash post article here where Sami Moubayed lists the various incredible fuck ups of US foreign policy inflicted on the Mid East by Bush II and his gang of no talent ass clowns.

When you see it written up in all its fetid glory you have to wonder just what the fuck was the Bush administration (AKA Cheney's fun house) were thinking.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Dolly fucks off into the sunset with some well chosen words on foisting your wrecked body onto the health system

Check out his odd words here.

Former foreign minister Alexander Downer has urged the Liberal Party to stand by its "true beliefs", as his political career formally came to an end...

"I think they should stand by their true beliefs, first of all in individual freedom and not being supporters of the nanny state, dictating to everybody how they should live their lives," Mr Downer told Sky News.

"It's very much become the way of Labor today, they're into every single aspect of your life, telling you whether you should be fat or thin, whether you should be fit or unfit, whether you should have four drinks or three.

"I mean, what sort of society is that?"

Fucking hell what a fucking moron. The irony is of course the anti-terrorism laws his crew brought in allowed things like detention without charge and without being able to tell anyone about it for two weeks were the greatest affront to personal liberty in this country. Oh - and let's not forget how they attacked the right to organise in the workplace. And a whole host of other things.

You know what? With the free market rampant in the media world distorting the food pyramid with their noxious fatty crap I think the government is beholden to step in and arbitrate for the punters.

And I'm fat saying that.

At least I'm not a fat head like this vacuous twonk.

Area man pretends to have condition to explain lack of skills to handyman

Sydney, Australia: Area white collar professional Damien Hardroast, a single man in his mid 30's, today affected the symptoms of carpel tunnel syndrome to explain away his hiring of a Dial-A-Hubby contractor to fix brackets to the wall in order to secure his bookshelves.

'Yep, the old Carpel's flaring up,' said Hardroast, holding up his hands with fingers twisted in like claws and curved towards his wrists. 'Otherwise I'd get those babies in lickety split.'

The "Husband" did not comment on the condition but did wryly note that the handshake upon entry to the apartment caused Hardroast no distress whatsoever.

Hardroast also managed to make two cups of coffee, open a biscuit tin, then clearly started putting books in the now secured shelving unit as the contractor left.

Hardroast admitted later the only tools he has in the house are those that came with flatpack furniture. Furniture he'd never assembled himself having succeeded in getting them to their final ready state via hosting 'building parties' where he'd get more tool savvy friends to assemble it for him for the cost of some beers and pringles.

George Pell - do it or else!

George Pell has thunderously ordered the west to get on the job.

You can see it here.

"There is a crisis in the Western world. No Western country is producing enough babies to keep the population stable, no Western country," he said.

"In many cases there is an increase in divorce and there is an increase in serial monogamy.

"Ruthless commercial forces are telling young people that this is the way forward, that this is the modern way, and they remain totally silent on the difficulty and damage this does to marriage and family life."

This use of the word 'west' pretty much means 'oi whitey, brownie and yellow are taking your country'. Well it does to me.

What a fucking smegwit. Western countries have a lower birthrate because women are educated and want a meaningful work life balance. It means they don't have to have large families.

It also means if a country wants to increase its population or maintain it then immigrants from poorer countries can come and move in - and are assimilated into those countries for the most part within a couple of generations.

Except they might not be Catholic and/or white.

I do find it ironic that a man who wears a dress who doesn't have sex is telling people in pants they should.

Oh happy day

Is when you come home, get the shovel, then scrape off wadded toilet paper and shits from around the overflow drain and shovel it into a bucket.

Still, at least they cleared the blocked drain. Even if they didn't pick up my shits.

Maybe they thought it was Jesus ranch or something and I wanted to keep them?


TheWife: Oh my god!

Me: What?!

TheWife: It's ... shit!

Me: Where?!

TheWife: On the carpet. You tracked shit into the house.

Me: How the fuck did I do that?

(Checks shoes. Shit set deep with the grooves requiring use of a wooden skewer to remove).

So on top of everything that's happened lately I tracked shit into my house and then spent 10 minutes carefully scraping shit out of the tracks of my shoes.

Thank you universe.

UPDATE 2: I have washed my hands about five times now. Yet I can still smell the lingering shit smell. Fuck you shits!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Aw ... so sad, w-a-a-a-v-e g-o-o-d-b-y-e

BB canceled after the 08 season.

Of course it's still rumint but still...

This show was only ever good once and that was when Timmy was on it.

Go Timmy!

One for the Grods lads

I noticed in some doco today that 2008 is apparently the International Year of the Potato.

Well, in the words of Diamond Joe Quimby, it can be two things.

The shitty thing about owning a house

Such as when your drain blocks and toilet paper and feces crests the overflow pipe to freeze across your garden bed by the front window and you have to pay for a plumber to come rotoroot your pipes.

So an almost literally shitty thing about house ownership in this case.


The Death Star

My knot-less roll

Which leads me to ask why Obi-Wan didn't say 'That's not a moon .... it's a baked item!'

I am the agent of my own change

Sitting around and pining ain't going to fix shit. So I have to step up and make the changes myself. Lotto ain't going to come wave its magic wand. There's no genie that will pop up and grant you wishes. Any achievement of note in this life has been predicated by hard work and determination.

Unless you're a reality TV contestant of course.

Wait, I said 'achievement of note'. So that still stands as correct.

I am sick of moping about, wanting things I can't have. Fuck it, I'm moving on up.

I ... just slipped into lyrics.

Actually the above sounds like it was delivered by a motivational speaker with large shiny teeth hopped up on goofballs, who cribbed his notes from the backs of books from the self help section where I dare not tread. Apologies rendered.

But still ... I recognise I am the agent of my own change.

And so ... I jump.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Friday, July 11, 2008


Ever have one of those weeks?

Yeah, I just had one. Work / Non Work / Friend / Non Friend. Nothing seemed to go right. And that thing I broke ... well it does indeed seem irreparable.

Suffice to say ... this week was well fucked. And not in the good Las Vegas way.

Still, I got this little patch of e-space to call my own. It's kind of like an allotment I guess. You know, like those tiny squares of farmland you can rent to grow vegies on or, in every cop drama I have ever seen that featured one, bury something valuable in.

That's what blogging is. E-allotments. And other would be "gardeners" come over and admire what you've grown. Or, in the case of fuckwits that rawk up, disparage your garden as some kind of snobbery before running off hooting with laughter and in to the night.

I hope your week was better than mine. Can't see how it wouldn't be. Still, where there's tomorrow, there's always hope for an improvement right?

Peace out my peeps. As ever, shizzle.

Helen Thomas is a fucking legend

I'm watching Denton's Elders ep from this week where he interviewed the feisty 50+ year career reporter.

Why oh why oh why can't there be more reporters like her?

And how fucking dare that facile blonde bint Perino give her the eye roll when Thomas correctly shows them to be all a pack of devious lying American reputation ruining torture using chunts.

Witch's tit surprisingly warm: wizard

The Salty Pixie, New Anglesea; The Amazing Albedo, a wizard of the 7th level, has reported that local witch Greselda's tit is actually quite warm in defiance of commonly held belief.

The wizard, who has a reputation as a smooth talking Lothario within the magic community of the fortified town, was getting down to business with the witch after they adjourned to an upstairs room, with coitus commencing when the discovery was made.

'Your tit ... is so WARM!' had said the wizard, startled, when he managed to slip his bat guano tainted elegant pianist like fingers between the folds of Greselda's satin black cat and bat motif robe then mould an upper body located erogenous mound.

'On the other hand her wizard's sleeve was cold as all fuck and I had to put a hot water bottle on my good bits when I dismounted,' said Albedo later to friends.

Self serving fuckstick has mega-whinge about nasty press

You can see Downer's precious tanty here where he defends the AWB fiasco ("we were found innocent!"), and hysterically claims the decision to flog yellow cake to India, who have not signed the non-nuclear proliferation treaty, was because of their concern for C02 emisions.

The whole thing is akin to Burns' testimony in court after he ran over Bart. I half expected to see a picture of Dolly kissing an Indian on his Tilaka then screaming into the sky 'NOOOOOOOO!! TAKE ME!! I'M OLD!!!!!!!'

And finally ...

One of the saddest things about modern Australia is we still have commentators such as Hartcher who don't care about any of these issues. They just want to make puerile anti-conservative party political points built on a foundation of trivia.

That's right. It's the other children who are mean, not you. I wonder if Downer spent $$$ of our money to get Chris Pearson to write this, one of his neo-con mates over at the Oz, like he did when Downer was foreign minister. Oh wait, Downer's no longer in office and can't access the Australian public purse no more.

Why don't you fuck off to Cyprus mate. I hear the goats are silky and smooth and they love you long time.

Fat Joy

Putting away your oversized clothes into the closet. It's like you're doing haberdashery for giants.

The next time an ex fattie holds their super sized clothes up against their body to reflect their before now after status I hope a sudden wind gust takes said clothes into their mouth and they choke on them.

Ex fatties. Worse pious holier than thou types than ex smokers.

Shower Vandal

Last night I turned the cold tap on in the kitchen while theWife was in the shower. There was screaming.

Two minutes later, I had already forgotten what I did ... then did it again.

I am a bad person. I LOATHE it when it's done to me.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Which Guess Who Character are you?

Dang, I can't read all the names, so I will have to give position instead.

No, wait, I tell a lie. David in the front row. Unfortunately.

Man I is uglee.

Guess Who Board.

By the way I suck at this game. And Cluedo. I have like won one game in my entire life. Once we played a chocolate version where the winner got to eat it.

That was not the one I won.

HM's healthy tea

Aldi chicken nuggets with cheese.

Nutritionists I know would be shocked and chagrined.

Secret Valley

As a kid I loved that show. With the spider cave, the aero glider dropping poo bombs, socialist kids banding together to help the dodgy old mate keep his ghost town, and the creepy pony tail developer dude with his robot hand.

Great stuff.

And how awesome was it having Simone Buchanan developing before our very eyes?

Though, in retrospect, the line from the theme tune of "My Secret Valley the world has to see" does sound a bit ... well ... vaggy.

Bad boy bubby Vs the crow

Not Brandon Lee's The Crow, made famous by his carking it before the end of the movie (reality - the character survived - how's that for fucking irony), but more an actual crow. Probably a magpie.

I was cruising along in the gloom of freezing night when I felt something flutter over my head. I had the MP3 in and was cursing myself for many recent failings so had not heard it approach. I turned back at the tree, blanketed in dark, its leaves and branches a quiver in the wind. Then ...

... started yelling at it.

'COME NEAR ME AGAIN AND I WILL BREAK YOUR FUCKING NECK' I hollered, waving my William Whopper esq gloved fist at the crow bound tree.

You know, assuming it was a crow. I could be mistaken.

Suffice to say my rep of local neighbourhood crazy, who always turns up at night near the park muttering to himself and now shouts threats at foliage, is probably being cemented in place.

Not the most flattering photos

This is from the smh website just now.

Yeah, those photos are not friendly. The baby's name based on these images will likely be Cyborg.

Let's hope it doesn't cut its way out with robo-claws.

H0ly smeg that was cold

Standing at the bus stop was the coldest I have ever felt in Canberra. And at lunch it was so windy that my over-long eye-lashes blew up and into my eye brows to form a kind of meta-brow, making me look like a jumper clad over-fed mentat.

Can I get an amen Canberra people?

Wednesday, July 09, 2008


Convicted pederast Ferguson is fearing for his life because of a whipped up hysterical local community going ape-shit that he's near TEH CHILDREN, despite the fact he's hosted by a charity and under protection.

Ferguson had charges dropped on child sex charges a little while back because the judge said he wouldn't get a free trial.

Why? Because of rabid hysteria whipped up by media elements who instead of reporting the fucking news decided it's more profitable to try and create it instead.

The man is scum. He's a convicted pederast for fuck's sake. But he's done his time, and because of the shock jock element that has riven commercial media in this country, he can't get a free trial.

Ferguson is the test of justice. He is the canary in the coal mine of the legal system. The system must work for all, even the shittiest members. He's a free man and he's entitled to be free as a result of protections all of us enjoy.

Driving him from town to town isn't going to solve the problem. Hysterical 'won't someone please think of the children' protests in every place isn't going to fix anything. Unless they are hoping he's going to top himself or something. I doubt that's going to happen.

This is from today's Crikey.

Memo to the Today Show and the Carbrook lynch mob
Greg Barns writes:

The Today Show has a responsibility -- having given this morning ample and sympathetic coverage to the lynch mob of Carbrook which is protesting against convicted s-x offender Dennis Ferguson being in their community -- to remind viewers of some vital facts that could help to prevent the murder or at least infliction of a serious assault on Dennis Ferguson.

Mr Ferguson has had his trial on s-x abuse charges permanently stayed by a Queensland District Court judge Hugh Botting last week, because of an avalanche of highly prejudicial media and political coverage which has made it impossible for Mr Ferguson to get a fair trial. Now the Queensland government is providing Mr Ferguson with accommodation in an isolated house in Carbrook on the outskirts of Brisbane.

The vigilantes of Carbrook are out in force, even producing a hangman’s rope last night at a public meeting in which Queensland Police Minister Judy Spence gave new meaning to the phrase ‘entering the lion’s den.’

The views of Carbrook residents, given airplay this morning by the Today program, are simply, let’s not mince words here, ignorant and hysterical.

Why doesn’t the Today Show assist in seeking to eradicate the lynch mob mentality of Carbrook by laying facts, rather than emotion, on the table?

And what are these facts?

Well, for starters, the rate of re-offending by s-x offenders is low, between 5 to 14 percent -- it is 50 percent in the case of property crimes. As one of the world’s leading researcher in this area, Karl Hanson from Public Safety Canada observes, "The observed rate of s-xual offenders' recidivism is much lower than commonly believed."

Dr Hanson’s comments are borne out by an exhaustive recent study conducted in Florida which showed that communities wrongly think s-x offender recidivism rates are about ten times higher than they are in reality.

Second, it is far more likely that child s-x abuse crimes will be perpetrated by a member of the victim’s family than by a stranger.

Thirdly, if a community or individual wants to increase the possibility that a s-x offender will re-offend, then destabilising their mental state will do the trick. The lynch mob of Carbrook is behaving in just such a way towards Mr Ferguson.

One hopes that the Channel 9 Today Show will tomorrow educate its viewers, rather than simply repeating what they did this morning, which was to expose the unseemly and distasteful conduct of some of the citizens of Carbrook last night.

It is time the media stopped egging on ignorance and prejudice.

A ray of Onion sunshine

Ex-Girlfriend Don't Want To Speak To You No More, New European Boyfriend Reports

June 21, 2008 | Issue 44•25

LANCASTER, PA—According to the latest information provided by the unnamed, impossibly debonair-sounding European man who is now answering all of her calls, your ex-girlfriend, Rebecca Norsten, "don't want to speak to you no more."

See the rest here


Despite intimating that unlike previous PMs he was going to ride into the sunset on his generously ampled tax payer funded post PM payout with his fat yapper shut, Howard has opened his fat yapper.

You can see it flapping away here.

And, at a speech in Perth last night, he pointed to the recent Gippsland by-election as proof the public is starting to doubt the credibility of the Rudd government.

"I think that two things have begun to implant themselves in the minds of the Australian people. The first is the absolutely dishonest and pathetic attempt by (Labor) that somehow they (inherited) an economic mess. They have no shame," Mr Howard said.

"How members of a political party that left us with the enormous problems we inherited should dare to do that ...

"(The second is) the new Prime Minister doesn't seem to have a theme. Politics is about conviction. Politics is not just about the joy of being in government.

One - Gippsland was one of the safest seats in the country as the patrician agro-communists, the Nats, have held it since inception and governments always get a swing against in by-elections by and large. Also the Libs ran a candidate turning it into a three way which directed preferences back to them. Pointing at Gippy and claiming it represents Rudd is on the nose is nothing less than a vacuous wank.

Two - here's what the Rudd government took to the people. They said 'we believe climate change is an issue and that WorkChoices gave one in the arse of the worker - we will address this.' Guess what? They're doing both. In 1996 you stood up and said 'er um er ah I'm er not er Paul Keating. That's er my policy.' You offered absolutely nothing by way of 'this is what I believe'. Fuck, you denied the GST 'no, no, never ever' in a Bible-esq manner then bought it back in come the next election as part of your platform. WorkChoices in 2004? Never ever mentioned to the public and you only bought it in when you got the senate.

Three - Labor inherited a hole about four times bigger back in '83 when they took over from you thanks to your incompetent reign as Treasurer. You also left an economic climate vulnerable to inflation which then went and inflated rapidly.

Apparently the speech Howard gave was a fund raiser for the WA Libs.

That would be the same party led by ... the Snedger?

Hilarious stuff Howard. Keep it up. Maybe next you could talk more about Mainstream Values and wear a combo of Akubra, Vodafone tracksuit, and Drizzabone, stripping off items one by one in a disturbingly unsexy dance of the seven 'vote for me' costumes you adopted during your time in office as a shallow right wing hole of an inhuman being.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Good Golly Miss Molly

Don't you hate it when you honk up a goob on the outside webbing of your thumb and forefinger on your right hand and your tissues are in your right pocket?

I know I do.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Stop it - or you'll go blind!

As spotted by Crikey.

Check out page 9 of the PDF.

Most. Puns. Ever.

Bee story has a nasty sting in the tail.

McCain Vs the GOP Platform

John McCain, who pre-nomination bleated endlessly about his "Conservative Credentials" and being a foot soldier in the Reagan revolution (AKA Let's crank up the deficit and fund right wing death squads by selling arms to the Iranians that held our citizens hostage for over a year), is now, like Obama, attempting to shift his rhetoric back to the centre to bring in those pesky wavering independents.

US politics is great.

Trouble is McCain has to grapple with the GOP at the upcoming party conference which includes dealing with their "platform".
See the Wash Post article here.

This is my fave bit (emboldened in a key spot).

McCain has spent the past year and a half trying to straddle the philosophical schism in the modern Republican Party. In primaries, he stressed his conservative credentials, but since clinching the nomination he has often reminded voters of his more moderate stances while professing his fealty to conservative positions.

A platform fight at the convention could disrupt that carefully choreographed effort by highlighting the stark differences in vision for the party separating McCain from some of the GOP's most dedicated activists.

The battle may not be avoidable. The current GOP platform is a 100-page document, and all but nine pages mention Bush's name. Virtually the entire platform will have to be rewritten to lessen the imprint of the president, who has the highest disapproval rating of any White House occupant since Richard M. Nixon.

Does this mean they're going to have to give the GOP platform ...

... a Brazilian?

Fck me

I had a jog. Well, a pseudo jog. I was going for a walk and decided to try for a streetlight to streetlight "run".

I shudder to think what incoming foot traffic thought when they saw what looked like a hairy Alfred Hitchcock juddering towards them. Probably something like 'Holy Shit, I hope he can stop in time.'

How was it? Painful and Wheezy. Which sounds like a pair of dwarves from Snow White II: Rape of Innocence.

Yeah I don't think I will be trying that little exertion maneuver again for a while...

Finally remembered to do it

Take that "West Melbourne" and stick your "free phone" up your "Sandy Freckle".

Apparently anyone 73+ shouldn't be charged with a crime

Richard Pratt, Mr Cardboard Cartel Bankroller of the Liberal Party himself, is before the courts on a charge of lying through gilded teeth about what he knew about the price fix. He faces some time in the naughty corner.

As with anyone in the justice system, rich or poor, I wish him luck.

See the SMH story here.

This bit of the story did however make me laugh.

At the first directions hearing in the matter today, Pratt's counsel Robert Richter QC said he would seek a permanent stay of the proceedings, which he described as a "shameful abuse" of power. "It is in our interest to bring to swift finality what we would consider an egregious abuse of process against an honoured and honourable Australian who is 73 years old," Mr Richter told Federal Court judge Donnell Ryan.

Cue Helen...

"Won't someone please think of the 73 year olds?!"

From the SMH - Solicitor charged after intervening in drug search at pub

A SOLICITOR and civil liberties campaigner was arrested, handcuffed and allegedly had his rib broken by police after offering legal assistance to a man being searched in public.

Kristian Bolwell said police manhandled him and broke his rib last week after he displayed his solicitor's identification card to a man being searched in a pub and said, "Hi, I am a solicitor, would you like any help?"

See the rest here.

Great isn't it? Laura Norder has gotten so out of control that the cops allegedly beat up a rep of the judiciary arm of government for daring to proffer his services to an in need punter.

It will be interesting to see how this plays out. I suspect the cops are going to be making a payout on this one.

An Antiques Roadshow I'd like to see

Presenter - 'Tell me about this item.'

Man - 'Well it's been in the family for about 40 years, and is pretty worn out. Lot's of sentimental value though. Had it and cherished it a long time.

Presenter - 'And what does it do?'

Man - 'Well was a handy thing in the kitchen and was good for getting in firewood. But it's taken a few knocks of late and mostly just sits there not doing anything. So I'd be well rid of it.'

Presenter - 'Well there's not much call for doddering old wives but I will give you $20 for it.'

Man - 'Done. Off you go Berryl.'


I broke something incredibly valuable and I don't think it can be fixed. That totally sucks. It is irreplaceable.

That's one for the deathbed regrets.

Weee, stacking up a store of them.

Which is why I am going to patent Deathbed(tm). The deathbed is designed to lumber vibrate away your regrets and see you to your passing in a soothing blur.

About half way through the dying words the Deathbed(tm), keyed into an audio key word sensor, will kick in and knock those deathly blues out of you.

'My one big regret is ohhhhhhhhhh f-u-u-u-c-k t-h-a-t-s n-i-i-i-c-e.'

Deathbed(tm) Regrets. If you have 'em you just won't care anymore.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Jesse Helms is dead

Jesse Helms will likely be lauded as a statesman, a grandfather of the house, having held senior positions in the US senate for the Republicans for much of his time there. I'm sure he'll also get a State funeral as well.

It would be hypocritical of me to slander this man now he's dead so I won't. But read his wiki and determine for yourself if it was a life well led or an ideology served worthy of being served.

As for me, thank god the US seems to be heading in a better direction than his ilk would have it.

Things you shouldn't do drunk

Any form of e-communication. Blogging, texts, emails etc. Because in the cold light of day you realise what a complete and utter twonk you were to yourself and to any recipients of a drunken missive.

Such as you good people.

Apologies rendered.

UPDATE: Holy crap what a horrible hangover. I've had the shakes all day. I say this each time on the rare occasions I do this, never again. Fucking hell I feel terrible.

Awesome stuff

From the smh.

Shopkeepers warned of sheep in Queen's clothing.

July 6, 2008 - 11:03AM

New Zealand shopkeepers are being fleeced by fake 100 dollar notes featuring a sheep wearing a tiara in the place where Queen Elizabeth's portrait should be.

Police said the notes, which all bear the same serial number, were crude forgeries but some merchants in Rodney, near Auckland, where they were circulating, were taken in, the Herald on Sunday reported.

The Queen's tiara-wearing portrait features on all New Zealand bank notes.


Saturday, July 05, 2008

Story attempt

There once a parson who picked his nose. What made it all the more hilarious was that his nose was beak like,

About nine drinks later..

Well I lost Megabuzz(TM) by like lots. So it turns out I am the loser tee'em. Dagnammit!

Pink drink + Vodka is kewl

I've had about five standard drinks equiv of this stuff. The pink drink is that Coles sourced Pink Lemonade + Grapefruit stuff. It's delish. So far so good. Not hurting IBS wise, nicely sozzled - not to the point of word salad but definitely past the line you don't cross in mixed company.

Aka salty mentions of the C word.

That would be a great gameshow!

'Now ... Salty Mentions of the C Word with your host, Harrangueman.'

Updates on drinking to follow later.

HM signing off.

YT comment of the week

Posted against Dead or Alive's You spin me right round

My Mom always goes on about how I used to do a dance to this in a massive nappy. Just thought you should know. I couldn't do it anymore that's for sure.

YT Gold

Friday, July 04, 2008

Credit where credit is due

Fallen leftist and famously acerbic Brit journo Chris Hitchens has been 'rah rah hawk US foreign policy' for a while now. Like I've said before I respect he's a good writer and that he's clearly intelligent. I just don't agree with a lot of his views.

One of those views was on the most recent addition to the pantheon of evil weasel words, that of "enhanced interrogation". aka Torture. Hitchens believed EI was not torture and that Enhanced Interrogation was different.

I believe in Slate he even went as far to say Water Boarding wasn't torture. Sneering leftists said 'Really? Why don't you try it and see.'

To his credit Hitchens did.

You can read his article here.

His conclusion?

Yeah ... it's torture.

So good on him for having the stones to not only experience it but come back to the reading public and admit he was wrong.

Wow II

Fuck me I love You Tube


YT lets you dance through memories and refresh them. I heard this song just once and it's been stuck in my head ever since. Thanks to YT here it is again!

Past Blast

Serial pwning

I am in low grade pain most of the time. IBS, crap knees, carrying too much weight etc. It all adds up to a big pile of feeling like shit. So exercising, which in the long term helps all of that, in the short term is not attractive. Kind of like our low carbon future.

Lately I've tried to make it past the pain barrier and armed with my trusty MP3 actually get out into the world for some Orsen Wells esq heading-to-the-lunch-van shuffling in my local neighbourhood. All I can say is thank the makers for the music because otherwise the only sound I'd enjoy is my pain filled wheezing which sounds a lot like the noises Adam Sandler makes before he tackles someone in The Water Boy.

Tonight I went for a low power walk. Aching, I huffed and puffed up the slow lazily curving gradually sloping path when some little six year old cheeky shit walked up next to me. 'Hi' he said breezily, a nasty little hobbits esq grin on his face - to which I grunted a rejoinder. He then rapidly walked in a zig zag in front of me - kind of like porpoises do in 70's cruise liner commercials leaping joyfully ahead of a ship's bow as it pulls out with a bunch of fat used car salesman taking their suffering wives out for a short stab of joy.

I could see his little Jedi-wannabe rat's tail bouncing in the glooming dark as he raced up the fucking hill, all his 1/10th of my body weight happily gliding along without a fatty care in the world.

The nasty part of me wondered what the fuck his parents were doing letting him cruise around after dark next to a darkened park but I'd say that was just bitterness on my part.

Then, about 20 minutes later, something else passed me.

A fucking corgi.

Jesus that shat me.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Q&A - relatively unpartisan

Joe Hockey was polite. He copped crap his party did on the chin. Congratulated Labor where policies agreed with worked. Defended his party where it was deserved. Roxon returned the favour a couple of times as well.

Have to say - very impressed at how it went down. There was only one half shout at the teev.

Of course Bolt is on next week...

Awww - bath time is kewl

Remembrance of things past ... that I did that were stupid

About 10 years ago we were living in a modest partially furnished house in the inner North of Canberra. The house was a concrete horror that was ice cold in winter and blazing hot in summer. It sucked anal hair.

It had a bodgie old dryer. I will admit to you now that I don't hang clothes on the line. I get a sore back if I am standing without moving for a long time and I can't be fucked hanging stuff on the line. Which sucks if I go to my parent's because they look upon us with glazed horror if we attempt to use theirs.

One night there was a horrible burning smell. I opened the dryer and the clothes - still half sodden - smelled strongly of smoke. I couldn't work out why. So I chucked them in the wash again.

Then I noticed something. The smell seemed to be coming from the dryer door.

It seems you were supposed to clean the lint out of a dryer door. In the two odd years were lived there we'd never done it.

It was two inches thick.

So another life lesson from Mikey. Clean your lint trap.

Quote of the week

"I blame my ma. She of the, and this would disgust you if you heard your mother saying it, 'Doesn't he make you go all gooey in the fork?' "

MB via comments at this post

A turn up for the books

I was catching the bus this morning, all MP3'ed up with some Seinfeld blasting forth, when I got a tap from someone on the walk to the back row.

Lo and behold it was The Bevester. Turns out that since the new timetable The Bevester's been often catching the same number bus as me but the earlier model for the most part. This is the first time I've seen him.

The Bevester and I joined the public service around the same time. Like me he was sentenced to a mail room environment which I shall not bore you to death with details about but suffice to say we were both pony tail people and we pushed around a fucking mail trolley.

Luckily with both escaped that environment and on to better things.

Eventually he left my org and headed for a sideways but more satisfying position elsewhere and I missed the hell out of him.

I've been extraordinarily lucky to work in close contact with people I don't hate - first A the sassy older lady, the Bevester, then my current desk partner. Trust me, it's a big deal to work with people you enjoy hanging around. The Bevester was gold standard.

The funny thing was we seemed to slip straight back into that kind of half English half mash up of comedy show lines, old jokes from when were working together, sound effects etc - but with an injection of X years later where he had lots of kids and I had one and we swapped stories about it.

It was damn nice to see him.

Anyway, a turn up for the books. But I doubt I will see him that often on the bus cos I sure as fuck am not getting up that early.

Life lessons from Dr Mikey

If you have a weak bladder do not drink a can of Diet Coke less than an hour before boarding public transport.

That is all.

Broccoli good for the prostate

When I first saw this headline my immediate reaction was to assume it was delivered via suppository.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Context is everything...

Twatwatch - Ben Fordham

One of the jumped up little thugs from ACA that specialize in ambushing people and sticking a dirty great camera in their face, then when edited in the studio, add to it music thrumming evilly in the background as slow mo is applied to their targets.

Belinda Neal may well be an unpleasant person. She's entitled to due process however. And how ambushing someone who doesn't want to talk to the media helps anyone is beyond me.

I always find it uncomfortable. Whoever is doing it. I especially dislike thuggish tabloid TV who present one sided distorted factoids by way of entertainment and care little for the damage they do.

Frontline was so spot on with these shits.


Today I noticed that the door of the plant room / fire extinguisher room was missing something. Or rather things. The raised lettering that proudly proclaimed the contents therein was missing all the I's. Someone it seemed had a penchant for slivers of I shaped metal. For what purpose they needed them I do not know.

Anyway I was telling my co-worker about it when over-the-partition guy piped up.

'Did you say there's been a vowel movement?'

Groan indeed. But, have to admit, pretty quick on the uptake.

Or should that be quck?

I'm pretty sure that they got this wrong...

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

The Lost Sneeze

Fuck I hate those. I end up staring up at a light and waggling my fingers at my nostrils like a nasally located trick is about to occur and ... nothing.