Monday, February 25, 2008

Seagal hurt by Belushi comparison

Hollywood, California: All round martial artist actor, spiritualist, singer-songwriter and mafiosi aficionado, Steven Seagal, had his feelings hurt when a well meaning autograph hunter mistook the aging combat orientated thespian for fellow entertainer Jim Belushi.

'It started well,' said shelf stacker Timmy, who did not provide his last name for fear of Seagal henchmen coming to kill him for witnessing the unpleasantness.

'This woman approached Seagal in the fruit and veg section and asked him for his signature. The black clad Seagal beaming as he took her pad and pen.'

'It was then the bad thing happened.'

The woman apparently then said she really enjoyed his work on 'According to Jim', alongside that 'delightful Courtney-Thorne Smith whose really come into her own since her time on Melrose.'


Left: Seagal ... Belushi

The 7th dan blackbelt in Aikido then carefully put down his basket of avocados and lyches and asked the woman to repeat what she said. Which, according to Timmy, she foolishly did.


Seagal then proceeded to flick his basket into the air, and as the fruits spun lazily upward side kicked an avocado into the woman's mouth preventing any more Jim Belushi-Steven Seagal comparisons.

The multi genre mastering polymath followed this by dropping to the ground in a splits manuever to sweep the woman's legs out from under her, proceeding to then drop his own leg into her stomach, causing her to whoosh into a sitting position, her eyes bulging, before he poked them into her skull.


'Jim Belushi,' snarled Seagal at the now sightless avocado stuffed celebrity botherer. 'John I could understand. He was funny. Jim I do not, for he is not.'


The woman's screams were drowned out by the lodged fruit enabling Seagal to perform more misery on her person for her heartless and very insulting mistake.


Timmy said staff and customers both knew from Mr Seagal's movies that they'd best remove themselves from the circle of death about to be unleashed and that almost certainly the last one from the store would exit instead through the plate glass window as Mr Seagal went on a mission to ensure the mistake would not occur again.


'We knew the police were no help,' said Timmy. 'For Mr Seagal would simply elbow them in their stomachs and take their guns. We had no choice but to helicopter in ... him.'

Ten minutes later the Norris copter arrived, with Chuck hanging on that bit, you know the part that hangs under the helicopter (yes, I know that part), the beard covering another fist even bigger action star then dropping not onto the roof but through it to combat the icily enraged 'I'm just the cook' leather clad menace.


'They've been fighting in there for four hours now,' said Timmy from behind a barricade as scientists attempted to lower a kinetic energy absorbing dome over the store so as to contain the martial arts fury that is already distorting the space time continuum.

1 comment:

  1. I can just picture this on the big screen. Hilarious, as usual :)

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