No bill for you!

Ah Phillip Ruddock, aka the grey man, a man whose greyness seems literally to be leeching out of every pore of his skin, a man who once wore proudly the button of an Amnesty member ... then continued to do so after the organisation politely asked him to stop given his propensity to do things the organisation stood against (detention without charge).

Geoffrey Robinson is in town. GR happens to be a human rights lawyer who the right would have you believe are fanatics seeking to protect their niche patch with their spurious suggestions for a Bill of Rights.

Ruddock doesn't like the idea. You can see him ranting in the SMH here.

Just when it seemed safe to be openly proud of Australia, the cultural cringers are at it again. This time we need to be ashamed of ourselves because Australia does not have a bill of rights. Forget the fact Australia is one of the world's oldest and most successful liberal democracies. Forget the fact bills of rights did nothing for enslaved African Americans or those persecuted in Stalinist Russia. No, we need a bill of rights to "keep up" with the rest of the world.

Nice intro from Ruddock there. 1) African Americans were slaves in the 1700's when the Bill of Rights came into being - slightly different political climate. 2) Anyone who seriously thought the Soviets were going to pay even lip service to human rights is deluded. Their suspicions should have been aroused by the mass killings that happened for much of its existence.

Some nice cherry picking from the Ruddockster. And why not. He's only the Attorney General. The is his game. It used to be about standing up for the law. Not anymore. How do we know? All the freedoms we have lost under this government. Freedom losses which pesky judges might have ruled against had their been a Bill established.

Bills of rights do not protect essential freedoms - all they do is present the very real risk of having judges imposing personal opinions as law, leaving everyone to guess about what the law might be.

Nice huh? Those fucking elites with their chardonnay and chateau la snooty.

Here's the rub.

Where would the Bill come from?

Parliament.

Who decides that?

Parliamentarians.

What would a Bill do?

Enshrine certain legal freedoms that would have to be met by future laws to ensure the state couldn't fuck us over.

Why would we need that?

Because the state will fuck us over.

Is there any proof of that?

Let's see. Secret detention, detention without charge, unlimited amount of time to hold someone (with some oversight) until they've been interrogated for 12 hours, five years jail for telling someone someone else got detained under terror legislation.

The list goes on.

In a proper democracy, it should be the people's elected representatives, not an unelected elite, who make these kinds of social and economic decisions.

I have no doubt that if there were a national bill of rights, Australian judges would approach questions relating to rights in good faith. However, they would become involved - even if unintentionally - in making policy.

I suspect that those advocating a bill of rights in Australia have a different view from the Australian Government on difficult issues such as responding to terrorism and people smuggling.

It's pathetic that the central law officer of the land writes such misleading cockheaded drivel such as this by inferring almost that it would be the nasty judges with their displeasing bill waving it like the hankie flapping 'I'm a Lady' character from Little Britain that would encourage the Muzzys to come get us with with a bomb or population bomb (little fuckers are breeding us out don't you know) - when it's parliament that would enshrine such a Bill in the first place.

Yes, a massive exaggeration, but look at him shaking is grey, grey head sadly at the idea that judges cannot balance the concept of protection and liberties and that therefore fear mongering arseholes like him and his dodgy crew are the only ones that can be trusted to remove the very freedoms the terrorists apparently hate.

It's beyond Orwell. Let's call it Llewro or something.

I will leave you with this. While its the state police doing this they are doing it on behalf of the federal police for APEC. See it here.

POLICE are contacting a number of "excluded persons" to tell them they are persona non grata in the Sydney central business district during the Asia-Pacific Economic Co-operation forum meetings next week.

Special legislation came into force yesterday giving police the power to ban unwanted people from the city centre during the meetings. It is in place until midnight on September 12.

Little by little the pendulum has swung to the executive and their regulatory arm. Arms like the police. More and more powers have been given to them to do things like access our computers without warrants and now exclude people who have not been charged with a crime from certain parts of the country.

Yeah, it's the judges I'm worried about.

UPDATE: As noted by Mr L, a judge struck down laws bought in by the Libs to make it so anyone who is in jail can't vote, restoring it to the previous condition of those with 3+ years to serve not voting - see here. How dare those judges look at a founding document - the constitution - and decide what shitty crap Ruddock et al did was unconstitutional. Fuck the bill of rights - lets just piss off the constitution.

Who are Pizza Hut trying to fool?

I called up Pizza Hut because their Big Neighbours meal looked delish and I wanted it, cheesy puffs and all.

The phone is answered.

"Hi, I'm Annie, I'm just going to confirm some of your details."

Really "...Annie..."

Annie is clearly a fucking piece of software in action, complete with choppy badly linked text with just a dash of Stephen Hawking translator to it.

Eg "do youwant to have homedelivery or will youpickup from ... the .... store?'

Priceless. Nice one PH

Update: I called back to try and listen to the robot again (to nail down what it said accurately) but I got Victor, the clearly human. I erred and ummed about why I called (not expecting the be "fast tracked") and ended with a lame 'just ... er ... checking the order is still coming.'

How desperate for sugerfat(tm) must they think I am.

The FAQ on Bathroom Sex

You can find it in slate here.

Just how fucking high are US stall dividers that it allows full on sex? Ours are like a foot off the ground - if that. The only way you're getting some ass time Oz side is if you can almost do the splits.

Bastard gays. I wish us hetro types could tap our feet and have the ladies respond in such a welcoming fashion. But then we'd need unisex toilets. And even then you'd have to work out who was a lady and who was a lad.

Maybe stalls engaged/vacant signs could have a separate sign to indicate who was who in the genital zoo?

Did that sound like Dr Seuss? I think so.

Mary in a Burka - NOOOOOO!

Apparently there's a statue of Mary doing the rounds that has her in an Islamic style covering.

See the story here.

What does Dear Leader think? That it's "gratuitously offensive".

Interesting eh.

This is Irfan Yusuf's take on the issue from today's Crikey. Most hilarious. And a nice typical example of the pig ignorant bigotry Howard has that he condemns Mary for wearing historically culturally appropriate attire.

Jesus was a sand n-gger. Deal with it

Irfan Yusuf writes:

In 1998, I visited Brazil. In the world’s largest Catholic country, I saw icons of Jesus and Mary everywhere. There was one not-so-subtle difference between these and the icons I see in Australia. For millions of Brazilian Catholics, the Blessed Virgin with child both had black skin.

Of course, we all know that Jesus wasn’t a negro.

He was, after all, born in a place called Beyt Lahm, an Arabic/Aramaic phrase meaning literally "House of Lamb Meat". He spoke fluent Aramaic. His mother wore (at the very least) a traditional head scarf worn today by many orthodox Jewish and Muslim women.

A delegation from Jesus’ town is currently visiting Australia. All delegation members are Christians. All are accused of being terrorists. All no doubt look like Middle Easterners. All look like Arabs. Usama bin Ladin is a Middle Easterner. The Mayor of Bethlehem is a Middle Easterner. Jesus was a Middle Easterner. No doubt Jesus probably bore some resemblance to other Middle Easterners.

Yet for some reason, American-owned tabloids in Sydney and Melbourne are behaving in a very Middle Eastern fashion over one entry to an art prize. One that shows Jesus' mum in traditional arab garb (see right). Even the PM joined the fray.

"The choice of such artwork is gratuitously offensive to the religious beliefs of many Australians," he said.

Yes, it is offensive if you believe Jesus looked something like Merv Hughes and Mary looked like Jennifer Hawkins. Yet the fact is that Mary wore something on her head (and, given her noble ancestry and her cultural heritage, quite likely something over her face).

What all this shows is how far the far-Right evangelical view of Christianity has strayed from the reality of Jesus. Allegedly conservative mono-cultural fruitloops keep referring to Australia’s Christian heritage. Yet how would they react if the real Jesus returned and arrived in Australia?

Well, for a start, they’d probably think he was a terrorist. He wouldn’t be speaking English, and would suddenly appear from the wilderness looking rather dishevelled.

Jesus’ photo would be splashed across our American-owned metropolitan tabloids. Piersed Akumen and his colleagues would be waxing unlyrical about this latest foreign threat. Gerard Henderson would attack the "civil rights lobby" for defending Jesus. Janet Albrechtsen would castigate lawyers and judges for defending a man who wants to establish the Kingdom of God (read sharia law) in Australia. The AFP wouldn’t understand a word Jesus was saying but would charge him anyway. Some magistrate would grant Jesus bail, and the good Catholic Kevin Andrews would cancel Jesus’ visa and send him back to … um … er … God The Father?

As William Dalrymple keeps reminding us, Christianity (like Judaism and Islam) is a Middle Eastern religion. And Jesus was a Middle Easterner. Just accept it.

Road using fvcktards

Today I was late for work, it was around 12.40 pm, and I was busting for the lav when some fvckwit roared past me. Now I have done this myself, and ended up in a flip off with said driver as a result. But I had pick up at the lights and was clearly about to scissor ahead in the form one lane when the fvckwit behind me hit pedal to the metal and narrowly pipped ahead.

So I flipped him off. He didn't see me.

His licence plate was 'JESSE'

We shared one of those oh so uncomfortable moments where you're waiting at the lights side by side. And I admit to stopping about a foot back so I could see him and he couldn't see me.

JESSE was a spotty twat with a hat and one of those shit-house bumfluff beards. Next to him was his semi-hottie girlfriend.

And there's the why.

JESSE, you're a twat, and when you crash your car I hope you're the only one in it and that you hit something worthless.

That is all.

Wide stance

Ah Republicans. So, so, so many gays in their ranks willing to rail against their own sexuality. Embrace it my gay brothers!

Check out the Senator's denial of some mano-e-mano action which he pleaded guilty to seeking (apparently to make it go away).

See the wash post article here

The most hilarious thing about it is the fact that he told the undercover cop the reason why his foot brushed the plod's, allegedly a signal for one gagging for it dude to the stall next door to entre for a good time (call Rick!), was because he had a 'wide stance'.

Yep.

When I am pushing out a twosie I likes to adopt a full 45 degree Andrew Bolt Pelvis splitting like the tanker ship in The Spy Who Loved Me that swallows submarines (tee hee), and look like one of those unplugged artists on the bar stool about to reach the peak of a ballad.

Hey, is stacking similes allowed? Not sure. Think I broke one of those 'boldly go' rules on wordage just then.

Anyway lads, if you have a wide stance when in push out, then watch out, cause you could be telling the boy next door you want a push in afterwards.

That is all.

Miss Teen Gold

Fvcking pens

I have a quick temper. And with a baby you have to keep it in check. I'm only what three weeks into this and already there's more than once I've whispered 'please ... shut the fuck up'. It's not his fault. He's a baby. But sure as hell it is frustrating. Last am I had to wake theWife up because theBoy just wasn't settling and I had reached my killbot limit.

Anyway, fucking pens. I'm trying to write a note to theWife with what time theBoy last had a bottle and the fucking pen stopped worked. In a mini rage I snapped it and chucked the bits in the corner. Then I tried another one. It died after five words.

Mother fucking useless fucking pieces of fucking crap fucking pen mother fuckers.

I feel much better. Needless to say that bad boy didn't make the cut either.

Next time I am going to get a non working pen and show it to all the other pens then walk outside and come back in without it so they get the message.

Once in a nerd game I got so mad at the shitty rolls I pegged a gem D20 up the embankment at Techno's place. Then told my other dice about it.

Did it work?

Not really.

Fuck I hate shitty non working fucking pens. Nail 'em up I say!

457 and Apprentices

Fairfax had a big run on the 457 schemes and the abuses of the system (including deaths etc). See here, here, here, here, and here.

Whilst travelling home I heard an excerpt of an interview with Virginia Triolli of ABC Sydney where she talked with a baker who complained he just couldn't find the staff. The baker claimed he'd spent several thousand dollars recruiting to no avail, gone OS, and directly recruited on the 457 scheme. The reason why was apprentices in Oz didn't stick it out.

Finally he said why.

'Cause apprentices get paid less than nine bucks an hour,' he said. Yep, apprentices get less than minimum wage. There used to be a time when you did pay your way in a new trade because you were being taught on the job. But many of these people are working hard and long hours from the get go and are not being given a living wage. So instead of importing over skilled immigrants who have to work at jobs beneath them why not pay apprentices the very least minimum wage? Why is it these poor bastards have to choose between a better paying job with less skills development and a job with good skills development but where they have to live in a shitty group house for four years on two minute noodles or camp at mum and dads?

Pay them more and they just might stay.

Mainstream

Uncle Mainstream was out an about today in the NT blathering on about how Aboriginal Australians will only succeed if they become part of the Mainstream and gain slices of prosperity that this great brown girted land can offer.

Howard naturally is discussing 99 year leases and trying to force Aboriginals to buy homes - despite the fact many of them are barely functional as proper housing and houses out there cost three times as much to build due to distance, labour issues.

The only way you can get Aboriginal Australians to improve their overall living standards is through education. It's not a quick fix. It's a long term solution. It means a massive infrastructure to assist students to learn close to their communities and offer scholarships to those whose families are willing to have their children board in private schools.

This takes money. It takes time. Lifting an entire people or culture from an underclass into working class or middle class can happen. The new deal programs and welfare programs in the states was largely responsible for bringing millions of African Americans into the middle classes. It still left many trapped in cells of miasma, in decaying cities whose factory jobs waned and died. But nonetheless it worked. And yes, it was positive discrimination. But guess what whitey. When you fuck on an entire people for 200 years you need to swing the balance in their favour if you're going to lift them up. Bleating about Aboriginal Welfare being better than what whitey gets is moronic.

Anyway, Howard and his mainstream. He's spent the last 10 years dog whistling all he can. And the NT intervention is the biggest one of them all. He's still condemning Kooris and Murry's and whatever the NT tribes are called to misery and poverty through sheer paternalism. It didn't work in the 60's. It won't work now. But here's hoping some good things come out of it.

Farewell el amigo de flor de cagada

Attorney General for the US and backer of using torture on people, Alberto "Waterboard" Gonzales has announced he too is packing burro for wherever he is planning to go.

See here.

Attorney-General Alberto Gonzales has resigned after a controversial tenure as the top US law enforcement officer, The New York Times said on its website today, citing a senior administration official.

My favourite Gonzales story, and gosh there are so many, is when prior to AG status he was White House Council and he turned up in the hospital room of the then sick and ailing AG Ashcroft to overturn a decision the acting AG had made on the illegality of wire taps Bush foisted on his own people.

What an utter failure as both a jurist and as a human being. Possibly the worst AG since Nixon's AG Mitchell. And Ashcroft was a shocker as well but at least he backed his acting AG when someone turned up after an operation to try and have him undermine his said temp replacement.

Chicken Goodness - a word review of a dish provided by the Church to the new parent Harrangueman

Chick-licious.

Terrible headline

The ABC news just lead its bulletin by labeling the upcoming story on the equine virus (that has shutdown the racing industry) as 'No horses for courses'.

Yet it made me laugh.

So I guess I am in the wrong.

My Jetson's moment

In the cartoon of the Jetsons, set in the middle of this century, George Jetson works for a sprocket company.

In an excellent pisstake at future society George's job is to press a single button all day (which apparently cannot be automated). Maybe there's minimum job requirements or something?

I am at home doing data entry. I have to plug in missing postcodes of a list for the reports I run. I have to do it every report. It involves page downing to find the gaps then plugging them in.

Fuck I hate data entry.

Still, it's only a small annoying part of an otherwise kewl job.

Legohead is a CV stuffer

Fresh from telling would be citizens they have to know about Don fucking Bradman if they want to sign up to this country, Legohead has been revealed as a padder of his CV.

Now it's a minor thing. We all do it (well I don't). And ordinarily I wouldn't give a shit and just chalk it up to creative self-spin. But Andrews wanked on hard and fast about the chivalrous AFP detecting that Haneef's colleague had fudged his CV so in this case Legohead deserves it.

See here.

KEVIN ANDREWS has fudged his CV. Both his parliamentary and ministerial websites claim he was "co-author" of three books in the days before he entered Parliament. All appear to have been pumped out by the then Melbourne barrister in a remarkable creative outburst in 1990.

But the publishers do not see his role that way. They credit other authors and editors with assembling these collections. The name Kevin Andrews is not on the title pages. He appears to have done no more then contribute one paper to each. He does not even have top billing.

Now according to the article his spokeswoman defended it as being a 'co-author' and that he never claimed to be the lead author. Now I may be a tad rusty but when you cite books where there are lots of authors providing lots of chapters the people who get the top billing are the editors. So from a basic requirement level for correctly identifying sources then Andrews' name would not appear in the name of the work. If his paper was cited as a resource then his name would appear, along with the name of his paper, then all the guff about the book plus editor's names.

So co-author is not just a stretch it's academically unacceptable.

What a tool.

Legohead releases the completely useless citizenship test

Apparently when not defending himself for booting out a nig nog for being a father's uncle's cousin's former room mate to terrorists, Andrews likes to distract us with releasing the much anticipated citizenship test specifics. At least, according to the SMH here.

A new citizenship test will ensure Australia strikes the right balance between diversity and integration of people hoping to become Australian, Immigration Minister Kevin Andrews says.

The government today released a 40-page draft guide detailing what it regards as the 10 essential Australian values every aspiring citizen must embrace.

Really? You'd think the citizenship website would have said draft guide because I am curious as to what the 10 values are and whether legohead himself is adhering to them - which I doubt.

But I can't find it here.

Don't tell me Andrews released it without making it electronically available?

UPDATE: Found it. Not on the general DIMIA website but on Andrews' personal Minister website. You can find it here.

UPDATE 2 The values!

Australian values
Values which are important in modern Australia include:
• respect for the equal worth, dignity and freedom of the individual
• freedom of speech
• freedom of religion and secular government
• freedom of association
• support for parliamentary democracy and the rule of law
• equality under the law
• equality of men and women
• equality of opportunity
• peacefulness
• tolerance, mutual respect and compassion for those in need.
These values and principles are central to Australia remaining a stable, prosperous and peaceful community. They provide the common reference points for our free and democratic society.

What a fucking kak! The Libs have violated almost all of these!

Let's see

• respect for the equal worth, dignity and freedom of the individual

Unless you're a distant relative of someone arrested for political violence. In which case suck it fatty

• freedom of speech

BZZZZT. The Libs have spent millions of dollars taking out public service whistle blowers and are now about to sick the ACCC on to people protesting corporate policies.

• freedom of religion and secular government

Then why are they sucking up to Hillsong and meeting with the EB? What's the deal with making sure to punish homosexuals for being homosexual?

• freedom of association

Unless you're a unionist in which case we'd like you to fuck off from the workplace.

• support for parliamentary democracy and the rule of law

Which is why the Libs screwed the Senate inquiries system to the wall and essentially made it useless.

• equality under the law

Unless you're a homosexual

• equality of men and women

But we're not giving you lesbians paid maternity leave. Go burn your bra somewhere else hippy.

• equality of opportunity

Not sure on this one but I suspect with the removal of unfair dismissal laws the exact sort of people who were protected by it are no longer. Sure they say you can't be sacked for being injured, or pregnant or whatever, but as long as they dress it up as operational requirements then it's all tickety boo.

• peacefulness

How is this even a value? It's a state of mind!

• tolerance, mutual respect and compassion for those in need.

Ahahahahahahahahaha ! These mofos have been blowing their fucking dog whistle so hard and for so long that to even pretend they are on board the tolerance and mutual respect wagon is a complete utter lie. Hello? Praising Alan Jones, fostering intolerance against Muslims, bleating on and on about the Anglo/Judaic/Whitey culture Euro-Ozzers came from! Unbelievable. These people are sad stains of human beings. Bring on the election.

Another Delish Carlton Burn

Twenty years ago, in the wilderness of opposition, John Howard and the Liberal Party's advertising flacks put their heads together and concocted a new buzz word to inspire the nation: incentivation.

Ugly and banal, it was, nonetheless, launched with great fanfare. The Liberals would incentivate us. Nobody had a clue what it meant. Bob Hawke said it sounded like something you did to cats. Incentivation quickly disappeared, swamped by a wave of incredulous ridicule. Howard's latest attempt at sloganeering is "aspirational nationalism", a phrase he dropped in a speech to the Millennium Forum in Sydney last Monday and again to Kerry O'Brien on ABC TV the next day.

This is an improvement, insofar as it is composed of two recognisable English words.

But what they might mean bolted together in this way is a mystery, although there is a certain iron clang to the construction which suggests it might sound better in German.

Otto von Bismarck could have got away with it.

From an Australian prime minister it is just plain pompous.

For more go here

Primer - a two word review

Intriguingly confusing

Ultraviolet - a one hyphenated word review by HM

Ultra-stupid

Kevin, say it ain't so!

Oh Kevin. Did you really release selective bits of the Haneef transcript to bolster your case for denying him a Visa hours after he won bail before a magistrate even though it was obvious the suspect behaviour issues you had cast him from the mount on had been addressed?

No, you wouldn't do that would you?

I mean, you're an honourable Christian man to whom truth and all that guff is important right?

Not!

Attention Liberals

Tired of sore knees from servicing business? Wish there was an easier way to rest your sore leg joiners during marathon bouts of "... listening ..." to the corporate community's concerns? Annoyed at having to rub wellness cream on your caps because of long term carpet chaffing?

Well tire no more!

Presenting for your benefit, the patented fully endorsed and Prime Ministerially approved John Howard Kneepads(tm). Guaranteed to make it a lot easier when you're receiving oral dictation.

Don't believe me? Here's some satisfied customers.

'Whether its blowing business, or blowing off the voters until after the election, I know that my knees will be silky smooth protected by these cushioned pads, featuring a pic of Dear Leader. And if your sucking extends outside the commercial domain to intolerant men in dresses who comment on issues of sex and relationships despite not being able to have either, and/or you have to extend you knee usage outside the office in prayer, then this can only be an added advantage.' - Tony A.

'When casting aspersions against the opposition, such as plumy hooting in parliament about attending girlie bars despite the irony of making sport of a situation involving lingerie, I too enjoy sporting a pair of Johnny H's. The idea his glowing smile is kissing carpet as I kiss something else helps me focus on the task at hand and providing a happy ending to the meeting I am having.' - Alexander D.

'There's nothing wrong with meeting with religious cults to discuss laws that affect them unless, of course, they are muzzies. But I know that I will get a smile from any religious figure coming in and seeing me ready to get down on my knees and "pray". Also, the padded surface is an ideal place to stick pins belonging to organisations you used to be a member of until they asked you to stop because you violated most of their core beliefs such as to be charged with a crime in order to be detained, or have public knowledge of those held in detention and not charge people for knowing that. Or indeed being able to tell people you were picked up by the cops' - Phllip R.

So you see, the Johnny H's are a must for any discerning Lib who has to lower themselves to a different kind of level.

A question to dads

When your newborn turns their head and tries to suck your man nip through your polo shirt, do you find it a little uncomfortable?

I know I do.

And how about those noises they make when feeding? It's all 'snuffle - snuffle - pop - pop - snuffle - wheeze - snuffle - pop' etc.

That's not what the commercials said.

Bush on Vietnam

Leaving nam was a mistake according to George Bush.

I do find it ironic that both Bush and Cheney actively avoided service in Vietnam and now come up with the counter intuitive notion that to leave nam was a mistake.

It wasn't. It was the right thing to do. The US could never win Vietnam because the people would never accept the occupation. The Vietnamese lost a million plus in that conflict to the US's 50k. And likely would have lot millions more had the US stayed, as would the US have lost thousands more.

But, that being said, a quick pull out from Iraq in my opinion is the wrong thing to do. A gradual withdrawal if security measures that are effective that can be put in place is the ideal way out. Can it be achieved? Who knows. But it won't be achieved under this man who managed to escape uniform service in a war zone by becoming a combat pilot in a branch of the military that then would never be sent overseas. A service that he perfunctorily provided, if at all, being effectively AWOL on numerous occasions.

Contrast Bush's way out of nam to the poor national guard fuckers in Iraq now who not only can be sent, but can have their tours extended while they are over there, and don't get the same level of post war support that full timers get even if they do the same amount of time on the ground.

Unbelievable.

Midsomer Murders

Am I wrong, or is the murder rate in this region of Merry Olde England unusually high...?

Just when you think the Libs can't blow business any more they do and then some

This in the SMH, David Marr reporting on the Libs bill coming to parliament that sicks the ACCC, you know the organ that watches bid business, on to consumer vigilantes doing the same thing.

See here

So if you're asking Australians not to buy lipstick tested on caged rabbits, rugs woven by Pakistani slaves or suits made with mulesed wool, then pray your boycott calls don't succeed, for the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission is about to be given the power to sue you out of the water if they do.

So much for free speech and the right to campaign to have corporations change to ethical practices. Of course this protects jobs! Because otherwise the Chinese will get them all - or something like that.

Fucking hell. Adios at being able to counter corporate spin with facts about what their business does to animals, the environment, or people.

We got a floater!

TheBoy was having his bath and the little black scar thingee from his umbilical stump finally dropped off and floated away to the bottom of the bath. His little bellybutton is way cute.

Go theboy.

Should I laminate the black thing and stick it in his memory box? It's not that unusual. I still have my gallstones and wisdom teeth.

God bless us everyone!

There are xtians that go to megachurches and in air conditioned comfort sway lightly then buy merchandise in the lobby afterwards before retreating to their 4WD to drive back to their McMansion and turn the AC up to full. There are those that go to 100 year old churches and repeat the same prayers in monotone and sing the same hymns from the 19th century and listen to the same sermons and anyone who appears with an acoustic guitar is considered a turtleneck beardy weardy.

There are also those that meet with Prime Ministers to lobby for exemptions from family court requirements so if someone leaves the church they have to leave their kids too.

Then there are our friends. We're not xtian. I'm lapsed, theWife never was. But our lovely friends who happened to be xtian organised with their church to feed us top notch dinners in the first couple of weeks theWife came home with theBoy. Why? Why not. They just wanted to do us a favour.

How beautiful is that?!

You guys rawk. And so do the people from your church. Way to practice the philosophy of just helping people.

Thanks.

1503 posts!

It seems like only yesterday that this bad boy cracked the 1k. And here we are at 1.5k and a bit.

Kewl

That is all

Missed me by that much...

We were watching Frasier. I moved a footbath (used as a makeshift bin) from the top of an old animal trap box (so I could sit down) to the cat scratching post on the other side on the wall heater. On top of the heater are some decorative blue bottles of thick glass.

When I sat down the animal trap banged against the wall. One of the blue bottles fell from the heater and bounced off the skirting. Missed my head by an inch.

It could really have done some damage. In a parallel universe I bet there's a me being carted off to hospital.

It's not the first time I've had a near miss or indeed actually been impacted. A few years back we rehung a degree on the wall above our bed. Didn't hang it too well. The bed must have knocked into the wall at some point because the degree fell off and smashed on to me, breaking the glass. It slashed up my fingers. When theWife turned on the light my hands were covered in blood. She thought for a second I'd been stabbed.

Another near miss was when I did an explosives course at TAFE back in the early 90's (for the sole intention of gaining some kewl pub ID I fully admit - don't worry I failed the course). We blew up some rock at a quarry and the blaster had miscalculated the charge. Great lumps of rock blew out of the hole (instead of fracturing nicely within it) and bounced down through the trees at our vantage point. A head sized piece missed my own head by about a foot. It was a miracle no one was seriously hurt or killed.

Goes to show eh? We can go just like that.

Fuck me that's depressing.

More tales from the Buckwheat Files

Ah Buckwheat, my baby with the one eyebrow. Actually, not really. That would imply some sort of level of ability comparable to mine. Not blowing my horn here. I recognise that I am an average public service drone from Sector 7G. It's just that Buckwheat is the skill equiv of that overly tanned heroin addict with the giant teeth that operates the squeegee franchise near the ABC building on Northbourne Avenue.

Buckwheat, bless what ever material socks decorate her feet, does not really know how to use computers. Now I'm not saying she sits there hooting like a simian and occasionally blatting the side of the monitor in the manner of Clyde from Every which way but loose, but certain things are beyond her.

When I was in the direct chain of command before a much welcomed re-org a couple of years back my colleague and I, being south of our mid 30's, were often called on to provide basic level of IT assistance to co-workers. Buckwheat was a frequent recipient of this assistance. We tried the 'teach a man to fish' method of 'we will show you, then you have to do it' but Buckwheat's hooting would scale up a notch and a look of Luddite terror would cross her odd facial features and she would be convinced the Spinning Jenny was coming for her and her presumably genetically damaged clan.

So in the end we gave up and just did it for her. Such as burning CDs, fixing powerpoint slides etc. But the stoopidist thing we ever got tasked for, by my knife wielding ex boss, was to get a car, drive over to a hotel, then load files from a CD onto a conference room laptop for a conference that Buckwheat was managing.

Yes, that's right. She couldn't copy files from a CD to a laptop. There are ape creatures of the Indus that have mastered this.

Needless to say when that happened I was somewhat flabbergasted and told Knifey that Buckwheat's computer skill set was completely inadequate for the job she held (which was just one grade higher than the standard entry level to the org no less). Knifey told me to suck it up and I had to do it.

Anyway, we're in a new completely different section to Buckwheat now, and Knifey has long since moved on. However this conference thingy Buckwheat organises (which seems to be 50% of her job despite the fact it goes for two days a year) is coming up. So she came to ask for that same level of copying assistance.

I thought for a moment perhaps in the two years since she'd mastered these simple skills. But when she pointed at the list of equipment and said 'they have a data projector listed on here and a laptop. So what do I need a laptop for?' I knew that was not the case.

So she made her pitch for this 'drive down and copy the files across' to which I responded 'well all such requests outside the section need to be made through our director BW, so see what he says.' She nodded in that cross eyed way she does, after smacking me in the arm for making jokes about her past habit of penguin tagging (she lived near penguins in a previous job and assisted science groups with tagging; we inferred she was in a gun rack toting pickup on the beach with butterfly nets chowing down beers as they scooped up the flightless birds for her own unsavoury amusements), she wandered off.

At that point I went to my Director, told him about the request, and asked him to say no to it when it came in.

Yes, that is an evil thing to do. But enabling someone who is completely incapable of seeking the skill sets to do a basic component of their incredibly undemanding job is not helping her in the long run.

Though I fully admit, I took massive pleasure in doing so.

Theboy's first vom that landed on daddy - a one word review by Harrangueman

Wet

Sucked Sh!t Andrews

From today's Crikey - www.crikey.com.au

Haneef gets his visa, Andrews gets egg on his face

Greg Barns writes:

So Kevin Andrews has, as many lawyers expected, egg on his face today with Federal Court Judge Jeffrey Spender ruling less than an hour ago that Mr Andrews was wrong to cancel Gold Coast doctor Mohammed Haneef’s visa last month.

When Mr Andrews made his decision, after a Brisbane Magistrate released Dr Haneef on bail, the Chairman of the Australian Bar Association Stephen Estcourt QC summed up the views of the vast majority of the legal fraternity when he dubbed Mr Andrews' actions "a threat to the rule of law" and nothing more “than a cynical use of power."

He was right and Justice Spender’s decision proves the point. According to Justice Spender Mr Andrews applied the wrong test in determining that Dr Haneef should be thrown out of the Australia.

Mr Andrews justified his decision on the basis that he had a reasonable suspicion that Dr Haneef had associated with terrorists and therefore failed the test of good character that a person must pass to keep a visa. But Justice Spender blew this line of argument out of the water:

I reject the submission by the Solicitor-General for the Minister that the "character test" which a person does not pass if the person has or has had an association with a person or group or organization that the Minister reasonably suspects has been or is involved in criminal conduct, does not involve any question about the character of the person.

In my opinion 501(6)(b) is a composite phrase and has to be construed as such. In my opinion it has the connotation that there is an alliance or link or combination between the visa holder with the persons engaged in criminal activity. That alliance, link, or combination reflects adversely on the character of the visa holder. Such a meaning would exclude professional relationships, or those which are merely social or familial. It would exclude the victim of domestic violence.

And Justice Spender was critical, or at least quizzical, of the way Mr Andrews sought to justify his decision to the media by releasing only part of the second record of interview with Dr Haneef to show that he had grounds to kick him out:

There is, nonetheless, a certain piquancy in the present case, in that the Minister has chosen to give a selected part of what is said to be protected information to the public by way of press release, but has not sought to divulge to the Court any part of the protected information under s 503A(3) of the Act .

The Minister is, in a sense, presenting one case in the public arena, a case the accuracy of which cannot be challenged in any meaningful way, and a smaller and not the same case in the Court, in a way which does not permit explanation or challenge by way of cross-examination.

No doubt Mr Andrews will examine appealing this decision to the Full Court of the Federal Court, but for the moment his credibility as a minister who understands how to properly administer Australia’s migration laws has taken a battering.

Earlier this month Mr Andrews said he had no regrets over his handling of the Haneef matter. One wonders whether, when he reads Justice Spender’s decision, he might change his mind. He ought to.

Can you believe they actually had to tell people this?

The psych association of the US has actually had to tell its members they can't participate in violent interrogation practices.

See here.

It's a sad indictment on the US that the org felt it had to come out and remind its members that 'these methods were physically and psychologically damaging to both inmates and captors'.

Personally I blame 24 (the show) for glamorising violent interrogation .

McCain was on the Daily Show recently. Now he's a Republican and a bit rah rah war, I get that. But at least he said categorically that he would 'close Gitmo down and make sure that Americans never again torture people'. Sure, there's some wiggle room in that. But given McCain himself was brutally tortured for five years in the Vietnam war I think we can respect he has some deep seated views on the subject and will likely be good to his word.

Super Soaker is Super Sexy

The biggest super soaker of them all was presented yesterday to the NSW government, received eagerly by a very excited Premier Iemma.

'Wooooo,' cried the Premier, his shirt knotted through his neckline. 'Spring break!'

The Premier then slow mo whipped his head back and forth as an aide sprayed him with a hose.

'I cannot wait to take this to the next cabinet picnic,' added Iemma.

The premier said that water sports was an important way to relax and that after their soaking they would bask on the roof of the water cannon vehicle and just talk the day away. Then, in the evening margaritas!

'Oh my god you would NOT believe how much Cambo [David Campbell, Minister for Police] drank last break. He was so sick. We had to put him in the recovery position and Costa [Michael Costa, Treasurer and Minister for Infrastructure], fully drew glasses on him and added a stitch and wrote 666 on his forehead.'

When asked about boys Iemma said that Spring break was traditionally a time to 'hook up' and whatever happened happened.

'Besides, who needs a boy when you have a cannon,' he added coyly, stroking the side of the powerful 12,000 litre capacity cannon which can (eventually) knock down a 120 kilo target.

Iemma then clambered onto the vehicle to re-enact the pose made famous by Cher in 'If I could turn back time'.

'Woooo, I'm the letter V,' added the Premier.

How sh!t is that ER Shampoo Ad

I don't know who came up with it, or what product it's for, but it features again a BMI 12 model with a hair disaster being wheeled into emergency, with 20 CC's of the shampoo applied and demands for straighting wands etc by the himbo doctor.

Crap concept. Crap execution. Annoying ad. Nearly annoying as the fucking Crunchy Nut ad featuring dickheads in sprayed on white outfits with gas masks with no filters in them.

News flash Crunchy Nut. Gas Masks are not gas masks without those filters. Otherwise they are just a pair of oversized goggles.

Keys

I couldn't find my keys this morning. After much toing and froing I elected to leave with theWife's set and hope mine turned up.

About a kay from home the car behind me started flashing its lights. I wasn't sure what I had done so I pulled over and got out. The flashee reported that he'd seen what looked like a bunch of keys slide off my car roof at the first roundabout.

So I went back. Sure enough they were on the road.

Awesome luck. They could have dropped off anywhere and I'd have been none the wiser.

PM booted from CWA function for disorderly conduct

Wagga Wagga, NSW; Prime Minister, John Howard, was booted from a Country Women's Association dinner under suspicion of drunken behaviour last night.

'He had no less than two tipples of pre-dinner cherry,' said shocked Marjory Boviers. 'Two!'

The PM was seen to have a ruddy glow in his cheeks and an impish sparkle said another witness to the travesty.

'Instead of the boring dour John we got some sort of animated humorous John,' said disgusted local CWA secretary Beverly Smith-Bassington.

The PM was seen to remark that Ms Smith-Bassington cut a very fine figure in her faded pink dress, on its first outing since 1986, and she should be commended for showing how older Australians could do good community things and stay fit all at the same time.

'But that's not all!' hissed Ms Boviers. 'He said my fruitcake was "a little dry". My fruit cake is never a little dry. It's moist and heavenly. And I have the Wagga Wagga Regional Show Cake Finals Certificates and Ribbons to prove it!'

Mr Howard was finally asked to leave when he leaned over to retrieve a gravy boat and accidentally brushed the wrist of octogenarian Mavis Gently, CWA member since 1940.

'It was as if he threw me over the table and done me there and then!' said a teary Ms Gently.

Mr Howard's office later issued a statement apologizing for the PM's actions.

'The PM is unaccustomed to drinking heavily and also he was on medication that greatly enhanced the negative aspects of his uncharacteristic behaviour. Also we think [Mavis] Gently said something about Janette Howard in the local CWA weekly newsletter three years ago. So it's important people know the back story before they cast any aspersions against him.'

Operation Cross Fingers

Right that's the first solo check-feed-change-putbacktobed from your's truly. Last time I was on watch I forgot to turn the movement sensor off and the 'your baby is not breathing' alarm went off and woke thewife - so she ended up doing it all.

Cross fingers it went okay. He seemed happy enough. Didn't cry during his nappy change.

Yeah I know this is down in the weeds baby wrangling minutia but well it's important I do this right. Esp since thewife is taking the lion's share of the baby brunt. What with expressing and getting up and all.

She is a tower of strength. Go TheWife.

Big fucking whoop

So Kruddy got outed by News Limited for going to a girlie bar eh?

(Cue Troy McClure open mouthed face slap).

Look Rudd has a heartbeat. You know what, occasionally men like to see near naked or fully naked ladies. We're designed that way, either intelligently or by pure chance. And Rudd tied one on. Now of course News reported that Rudd was alleged to have attempted to break the do not touch rule quoting an anonymous source.

Hilarious. Who the fuck cares? He went to a business and did something legal. Sure he may have drunk too much but then almost every single Ozzer at some point does or has. And perhaps his wife didn't like the fact he did it, but then almost everyone I know in my social circle has at some point (usually as part of a Bucks thing however).

It's not news. It's nothing. Besides, wanky Hillsong types that put money before God are already voting for Howard anyway. If anything Kruddy looks more normal.

Channel 7 playing the jingoistic card

They just had some emaciated brunette on with a 'special report' on Sydney's 'disgusting' littering, especially cig butts.

Now I don't like littering. And I try not to do it. But this 'special report' was intensely preachy and not really news. I like to know stuff that happened, not some puff piece on the litter patrol.

Milady hot reporter, as they all seem to be Dolly cover wannabes, then ran after a smoker who chucked out a butt. He had a slight accent.

'Excuse me,' she demanded righteously. 'Do you know you're not allowed to throw out butts like that in Australia?!'

How the fuck does she know he's not Australian? His accent. Please.

Then, later in the bulletin, there was some 20 second wank piece about parents complaining that their kiddies soccer team had 'Your Rights at Work' posters up at the ground. Why? Because the union was fucking sponsering their team.

Don't like the message? Don't have your kid play for that team. It's that simple parents.

Damn you MB!

I keep singing this fucking song.

Worst. Fame Link. Ever.

When reporting a story obviously a journo has to find an angle to make it enticing to read.

But this is just stoopid.

Stefanie Imbruglia is a transexual attempting to be identified by the government by her new sex.

Fair enough.

The angle the story took?

Natalie Imbruglia's sex change cousin in passport row

I mean, come on. What does being her cousin have to do with anything?

Area man basks in praise for not eating thewife's share of the BBQ chicken

Guys are pathetic. There's a reason we're the butt of jokes in ads, movies etc. It's because guys are doofuses. Stronger sex my hanging off to the left cherub pennie. We're the weaker one. And as civilization advances women will continue to take the lead. The only thing holding them back is shithouse mat leave provisions (look at France at the socialist Scandinavia for how mat leave should work).

Anyway.

Guys pathetically seek praise from girls. We do. And for the slightest things. For example not eating theWife's share of the BBQ chicken.

'See,' I said, glowing. 'I didn't eat your share'

(cue smug expression)

Praise is kewl.

'Hey girls, look how many press ups I can do!'*

*Groat to the reference spotter.

Kids are awesome

Me: What's the capital of France?

Friend's Kiddlet: Capital F?

Gold.

Unfunny

Whilst in the birthing suite a week back when theWife and co were on operation Melon-through-Mousehole the staff wheeled in a monitoring machine.

I couldn't help myself.

'Ah,' I said. 'I see you have the machine that goes ping.'

The Doctor and midwife just looked at me.

'You know,' said the Doctor. 'You're not the first person to say that.'

I felt like a twat. And rightly so!

Kudos to the calm of Oz Post man

I was getting a parcel pick up this morning - a ridiculously oversized package sent by my brother for the baby that when unpacked could have fit in a show box - when I walked in on an uncomfortable situation.

It was at one of those satellite post offices, almost a hole in the wall, in one of the suburbs of Canberra. Next to me a customer was screaming at the Oz post dude over some issue. Now I don't know the legitimacy of her issue, how genuine her complaint was. But it was clear she was getting no joy from Oz Post man who calmly explained he'd followed the procedures and his hands were tied.

She shrieked it up a notch about how she wasn't going anywhere, how she was going to hand out flyers about the store and how shit it was, how she would tell ALL her friends not to use this post office, and how the previous couple that ran it were saints compared to him etc etc etc.

Now given the abuse he was coping he would have been well within his right to kick her out. Hell, even yell back. Instead, through admittedly gritted teeth, all he did was stand there and take it and, at the end, say 'I thank you for your feedback'. She then clomped off in a fury.

I hate direct conflict. Loathe it. And all the while this was going on I was dealing with the other clerk with us both ignoring what was happening. I finished up and left. Then I decided fuck it and went back.

I told Oz Post dude 'you handled that really well mate', nodded, and walked off. He said a shaky thanks.

Like I said, I don't know what the fight was about. She could have had some shitty customer service up there at Optus bad levels. But she ranted and screamed and threatened his business and he took it and simply thanked her for her feedback.

So kudos Oz Post man. You're a better person than me.

Just an awesome story that has enough Deux for anyone

Defibrillator salesman saves heart attack victim

August 16, 2007 - 9:13AM

An elderly New Zealander who had a heart attack while shopping in a hardware supermarket has survived because a medical equipment salesman was demonstrating a defibrillator to store staff at the time.

See the rest here

He's out and home

TheBoy has arrived home at last. He hasn't woken up. So far the cats are curious but not fritzing. However that will likely change the moment theBoy goes into a teary pop.

The funniest thing was that upon leaving the hospital a car + lots of passengers saw us heading for ours and pulled up and waited. We had to load in several bags and, never having done it before, the baby capsule along with said baby. I think we took about 12 minutes.

How funny would it have been if we'd pulled out, straightened, then driven back into our spot and got out.

Yeah. Not that funny.

RHRR makes a fiery debut

Pauline Hanson, Australia's broken strine-laced voice answer to Le Pen and other righty rat bags, has launched her campaign to have a lifestyle to which she is accustomed supported by the Australian tax payer, by reverting back to those very views that launched her so spectacularly onto the political scene way back in '96; calling for a halt for a specific demographic of immigration.

See the SMH report here.

"I want a moratorium put on the number of Muslims coming into Australia," Ms Hanson told the Nine network.

"People have a right to be very concerned about this because of the terrorist attacks that have happened throughout the world.

"I'm sick of these people coming out here and saying that our girls are like the meat market and the bible that is urinated on ... am I supposed to be tolerant?"

But Ms Hanson said she would have the support of Muslim women if they knew how oppressed they were.

"I think that if Muslim women realise how they have been treated I probably would get a lot of support," she said.

"Maybe we should look at the female genital mutilation that happens to young girls in this country ... if people want to live by these ways then go back to the Muslim countries."

Pauline Hanson it seems doesn't know how many migrants taken into Oz are Muslim, or indeed how many represent a percentage of Australian population. I will give her a hint. It's less than 5%. I will get off my fat can and go find the exact figures in a bit. I am pretty sure that cultural genital mutilation is frowned upon in Oz (I think it's illegal in fact), though male circumcision still exists (you have to go private - and it should be pointed out that snipping the foreskin off the old fellah doesn't reduce sexual pleasure where I believe the female equiv does).

Hanson doesn't realise that as long as you obey the law, you should be allowed to think and feel how you want, however repugnant. Even she's allowed to. Though of course people like us are free to label her a nasty ignorant bigot that's only standing for the cash because if she wasn't she would have returned the 300% profit she made off our backs in the last election from election costs Vs monies paid by the AEC based on her voting.

And with the Mother of the Nation managing to heave ho One Nation for a new name and get above the line chances are she will be in the dosh. The greatest fear is of course she got a seat and somehow balance of power which hopefully would result in a double dissolution to take care of it.

By the way Pauline, I think Muslim women have a good idea of their rights etc. And if they don't its because of failure by governments to provide them with English lessons and so forth.

I hate that she's back. But at least we will have some giggles along the way.

UPDATE: According to the 2006 Census, 340,392 Ozzers said they were Islamic out of 19,855,208 Australians. So 1.7%. The link to the report I grabbed is here

UPDATE2: See? What a total smegwit this woman is. If indeed she is a woman.

UPDATE3: The Immigration department has a character test as part of its entry requirements already. You can find details here.

Let's have a look.

From time to time, visa applications are received from, or visas are held by, people whose presence in Australia may, because of their activities, reputation, known record or the cause they represent and propagate:

* vilify or incite discord in the Australian community or a segment of that community
* represent a danger to the Australian community or a segment of that community, or
* be contrary to Australia's foreign policy interests.

See how that works? How the government can assess the character of an immigrant and determine whether they will be a bad egg for Oz. See how it's not dependent on religion as such but views?

People of concern are those who may meet the following criteria:

* the holding of extremist views such as belief in the use of violence as a "legitimate" means of political expression
* likelihood of the Australian community or part of the Australian community being vilified or defamed
* having a record of causing law and order problems, eg. when addressing public rallies
* acting in a way likely to be insensitive in a multicultural society, eg. advocating within particular ethnic groups the adoption of political, social or religious values well outside those acceptable to Australian society
* being active in political movements directed towards the non-peaceful overthrow of their own or other governments
* having planned, participated in, or been active in promoting politically-motivated violence or criminal violence and/or being likely to propagate or encourage such action in Australia
* being liable to provoke an incident in Australia because of the conjunction of their activities and proposed timing of their visit, and the activities and timing of a visit by another person who may hold opposing views
* being a war criminal, or a person suspected or accused of war crimes or any association with a person or group involved in war crimes
* being known to be, or suspected of being, involved in organised crime
* posing some threat or harm to the Australian community or part of it
* likelihood of the person’s presence in Australia being contrary to Australia's foreign policy interests
* claiming to represent a foreign State or government which is not recognised by Australia, or
* any other credible material which may be relevant to Public Interest Criteria 4001 or 4003 of the Regulations.

Now I don't agree with all of these (points three and seven). But they are the law/regs as they stand. Which means if a cranky sheik wanted come here who had a history of youtubing that Jews were pigs and demanded they be exploded or a crack crazed Rabbi who felt the only good Palestinian arab was one impregnated with cluster bomb fragments then those people would likely get blocked.

So Pauline, it's not your religion that's the determining factor. It's your personal views. Sure, they may be influenced by your religion, but to blanket ban an entire faith solely because of the views/actions of a tiny percentage is called discrimination and bigotry.

But you wouldn't understand would you? Either that or you're just in the upcoming election to make a fast buck.

Awwww, theBoy via a camera phone

This is Lucy reporting ... for CNN

Iraq :(

It's funny how the slaughter in Iraq is so utterly pervasive that in order to make the headlines the (insert group here) has to blow apart 175 people.

See here.

For all those fuckwits that wanked on about how regime changed 'freed people from Saddam's tyranny', I wonder if you will now also take the blame for the utter misery that it caused.

Don't get me wrong. Saddam was a murderous bully and thug who was well supported by the west for many many years until he made the mistake of taking on Kuwait without a firm yes from the US. But the US must have realised that to lever a dictator off a country and remove all the bureaucracy that enabled it to function, however the politics/evil was applied as part of that, would have consequences. If they were serious about regime change then they would have put steps in place to smooth the transition. They didn't. They invaded with just enough troops to beat Saddam and hardly any to ensure the country wouldn't go to shit. Remember Rummy and his "Freedom is Messy" when billions of dollars were stolen from banks that later went to fund terror attacks.

The blood of these people are on their hands. And mine too. Because I supported the invasion. Sure I thought it was for WMD reasons, and hell I probably would have supported on regime change. But fuck me I was naive to assume they would have actually governed Iraq competently instead of busing in would be teenage republicans to attempt to foist a neo-liberal agenda on a country brutalized by years of dictatorship and sanctions.

And this includes you Coalition government, who not only fully backed the US to take out Saddam well before the invasion and so called deadline, but who tried to fuck the people of Iraq for the sake of commercial deals for special interests in Oz.

Downer likewise a nob

He's in question time likewise wanking on about Rudd taking out Beasley for the top spot. Therefore the ALP having much enjoyment of the continued Costello Vs Howard stoush is nothing but hypocrisy.

Where does this man come from? He's the greatest reason why people shouldn't vote for the Libs. Plummy voiced nob.

Oh now Julie Bishop is on with her smooth voice talking about 'WAH STATE GOVERNMENTS BAD RE EDUCATION' in accordance with the Libs battleplan of 'blame the states for everything'.

Most hilarious.

Bishop has also gone on record wistfully wishing for corporal punishment to be reintroduced. I tell you what. If they bought corporal punishment back into schools and a teacher assaulted my child I would do them for assault and likely take revenge on their car or something.

Twats.

UPDATE Bishop just hysterically wailed about how the Qld Education minster banned politicians from going to schools without his dept's permission. Seems reasonable. How dare Beattie, Emperor Beattie no less, use his schools politically. Hmm. Using politics in schools?! Never. I'm sure the Liberals would never force schools to have posters about mainstream Australian values and flagpoles and other dog whistling dross foisted on them under threat of removed funding...

Look Radio Rentals thinks it's YouTube

The TV just had some bearded flanellete coated dude going on about how RR don't have credit checks and so everyone gets a fair go.

Which is fair enough.

But the massive total and utter wank is the bar at the bottom of the ad designed to make it look like it's being watched on a PC complete with the the scrolling loading/duration indicator.

I mean who the fuck are they kidding?!

Quality Ranting by Cassmalo

Man I miss the lunchtime walking lads. Their venting makes me feel better.

With thanks to Cassmalo for this e-rant.

I was listening to the radio last night when I got home and they had the senate on - this was just after 11pm - and I was a little bit shocked to hear that they were basically promoting different companies.

One guy rabbited on about Boag's Brewery for a bit, then another talked about P&O Cruises, a resort in the Daintree, and Qantas airlines, before thanking a Dutch hotel chain for returning his wallet.

I looked up the Hansard today to see if I'd imagined it, and no, they really did, but it sort of looked like the talk at the end of the day while they killed time till the Senate was adjourned. See? http://www.aph.gov.au/hansard/senate/dailys/ds140807.pdf

But still! We're paying these idiots to advertise for people?! (Referring to Qantas as the national carrier, thereby promoting it over Virgin, and saying that P&O could hardly be held responsible for "security incidents" on their ships because people had to take responsibility for themselves were my two favourite bits.)

Kewl - Daytime TV has now embraced the F word

I have some dodgy movie on in the background as I frantically edit some work reports from home. It's some Rob Lowe movie (pre video taping teenies going at it Rob Lowe). He just ripped off a 'fucking' at some dude he is beating the shit out of.

Very entertaining.

Man he looks so young. Much like I presume the girls he was video taping one grey December morn*

*Happened many years ago, when he himself was young. All I can say is plenty of people are likely doing it. Indeed people are now filming their trysts on mobile phone cameras. And when they go in for repair the techies will watch them. Food for thought.

Mal Brough is a partisan nob

He's at the Press Club now wanking on about the State/Territory ALP with all the glowing examples of his government's "intervention" at the state level. "One party state!" he shrieks. "Would the Rudd government do XYZ?"

The delish irony is that he started his speech wanking about how it was time to end partisan government then launched into the biggest fuck you against the ALP I have ever seen.

There's a reason why all the states and territories elected ALP to govern them. Because they are better than the right wing low end of the gene pool efforts the state Liberals are.

Stay tuned for more dot points from the Crosby/Textor memo of 'holy shit we're facing the end, let's blame everyone else for everything we did wrong in the last 11 years'.

Fuckwads.

UPDATE: Brough just held up the 'Children are Scared' report and cried how the NT government had yet to respond to it. And how they responded to it etc. It's ironic considering the authors of that report have come out and slammed his heavy handed hardly considered non consulted with (apart from some minor talks with people in the communities) intervention as potentially causing more harm than good. Tool. It's also delish considering all the reports that went before that which basically said the same thing which didn't get acted on until the dying gasps of the Liberal government in its effectively final year in office. Oh the surprise.

UPDATE2: One of the authors of the report speaks on Brough - see here. I don't doubt Brough genuinely wants to help Aboriginal Australians. I don't. But he's taking political advantage of it and is not trying to be bipartisan about it. And he's not consulting. And he's not being considered. And he can potentially make things worse.

UPDATE3: During his strident attack fest against state/terroritory ALP Brough mentioned glowingly about how the very first recommendation was a National Emergency response to child abuse (as it fucking should be always). Cue waving the "Children Are Sacred" report.

Hmm,

What's the second part of that recommendation?

“The second part of that first recommendation was that there be a collaborative undertaking between the Northern Territory government and the Australian government in consultation with Aboriginal people and that has not happened. So to that extent recommendation one has not been given effect to.”

That's according to Wild, who co-authored the report. See his expanded views here.

Adios Turd Blossom

Karl Rove, possibly one of the worst people in US modern politics that has had the misfortune to make it in the big leagues, is allegedly leaving service of his beloved Bushie and riding his burro, Porky Pig style, into the sunset.

See here.

Awwwww, so sad. Apparently he's off to be with family.

Poor family. I wonder what he will do to be entertained? Try push polling against the neighbours where he calls up the one he likes and says 'would you be less likely to go to a BBQ at Deb's if she A) was a lesbian or B) had a black bastard baby or C) was likely a pederast?"

Harsh eh? Well, Rove is alleged to have done all three of those to political opponents at one time or another.

I know politics is a tough game. But there's a reason many people think many politicians are lying scheming devious back stabbing pricks who will lie to the people's faces all the while screwing them over on behalf of special interests. It's people like Karl Rove.

Adios Rove. I wonder what historians will think of you? Probably not well. Unless, of course, the US ends up as an effective dictatorship and the Gobbels esq plotting and sheer political bastardy you and you ilk employed (like ringing up black people to tell them they couldn't vote if they had unpaid fines) is taught in 'how to' classes.

See Andrew Sullivan's take on Rove's heave ho here

Things I hate about hospitals

The food is often wrong and seems to arrive at +/- 30 minutes the listed time.

The fact some people don't knock and just barge in. Often when you're nuding up.

The fucking carpets which combined with my gypie hobbling walk charge my body up so every fucking time I near the spacebar of my laptop I get a static shock.

I hate static shocks.

And every time I swear and carry on. Now with TheBoy in the room I have to tamp down the negativity. No one wants an angry dad. I love my dad to pieces but growing up he was an angry boggle eyed man that scared me a lot of the time, even if he didn't really do anything.

See that ad about the Children See Children Do? It's fucking chilling and fully on the mark. All the bad crap parents foist on you can only be not passed on if you don't pass it on. So cross fingers I am going to do my best.

Ha! Take that leftist doomsayers who said nothing good came out of Iraq

War helps swell Paralympic team

Baby Update - more baby goodness

Yes, I know there is nothing more pathetic than a new parent that attempts to foist photos of their newborn on the unsuspecting world at large.

Fuck it, here's another one.

This is theBoy in the loving arms of his Aunt. TheBoy is now known as "the small baby" by the nursing staff, which implies that he is the fist into hand smacking henchman to "The Surgeon", and that likely "The Surgeon" uses "Small Baby" in his many bank robberies by throwing him over the counter before the bullet proof screens can be raised so as to threaten the staff from the other side into handing over bags of cash with a dollar sign on them.

Kewl.

Oh - when in the nursery don't stop and admire other babies. Because the ESL nurse will waddle over to you and scream 'ONLY YOU BABY - NO OTHER BABY - YOUR ONLY'. In her defence there's a sign that says you're to respect the privacy of other babies and not gawk at them. In mine the fucking sign was only readily visible on the fucking way out and I didn't fucking see it.

That is all. I hate being yelled at. Even if I am in the wrong.

Split Pelvis is a tool

Andrew Bolt, whose legs may actually fall off they are so splayed (presumably because of his massive balls), was on Insiders this morning faithfully barracking for the government's WorkChoices.

'Wah,' he cried manfully. 'Wah, more poor people have got jobs. Taking away the ability to sack anyone for any reason at all will cost these poor people their jobs. They will go offshore.'

No, no they won't. Yes, some jobs have gone off shore. For example any job involving handling a customer phoning a big company has likely gone off shore already and more will do as will. Some manufacturing also.

But for all those semi-menial jobs that remain, like fast food staff, retail staff, janitorial staff, etc, they can't be outsourced because they supply immediate needs. And Bolt seems to be arguing that to give people a living wage and job protections doing these shitty jobs that, cross fingers, most of us escape in our employment history because we were lucky enough to access resources that enabled that, is morally wrong and therefore they can go and get fucked.

Sorry poor people. Split pelvis has spoken. You don't deserve job protections because ... it will cost you your job apparently. Even though someone has to do those jobs anyway.

What a crock of stinking shit. But then we expect nothing more than from Australia's most favourite 'never went to university' son.

Baby Update

Well day two of the baby being around. He's out of his humidicrib (or whatever they are called) but is still in the special nursery so he can get feeds via his nose tube. Freaky. He's a grizzle monster which is a fair call given what happened to him. TheWife just called to say he's allowed to hang out in our room between feeds which is way cool.

So back off to hang with baby and co. Aw. So cute. Plus his head has rounded and he no longer looks like he should be hanging around the stratosphere with an anal probe in one hand.

Me wearing scrubs 2

Arnold Rimmer sets breath record

Okay, it's not Rimmer but it sure as hell looks like it

Downer made to look like a twat by 17 year old

I'm back off to the hospital but first I couldn't go without sharing this link.

It's somewhat refreshing since most press gallery journos ignore blatant obscufation by pollies in order to stay on their good side - esp since the Libs have a long memory and cut those that press the 'why didn't you answer the question?' or those that ask tricky questions like Alex Meekin here.

Here's a snippet

Alexander Meekin, from Canberra's Narrabundah College, was one of four high school students participating in a filmed session sponsored by the National Australia Museum and the Parliamentary Education Office.

He asked if Mr Downer was a climate change sceptic. Mr Downer calmly acknowledged that scientists did "tend to favour" the view that greenhouse gases were a contributing factor.

The persistent student asked whether it was "appropriate" that Government figures such as the Finance Minister, Nick Minchin, did not believe humans were to blame. Mr Downer shot back that people should "escape from intolerance" about others' views.

But Alexander wanted to know if Mr Downer saw a moral comparison between tackling climate change and the recent 200th anniversary of the British Government outlawing slavery.

"No," Mr Downer replied curtly.

But was not climate change enslaving future generations to today's conspicuous consumption, queried Alexander. His peer audience signalled its approval at that inquisitorial strike.

The minister hit back with "Not too many people I know support slavery."

Yes, agreed Alexander, but slavery was abolished by the British only after a long, bitter debate about whether or not it was justified.

Downer later went on to accuse him of being an ALP plant. Christ Downer is a twat.

If I were the ALP I would recruit Meekin post haste then have him drive past Downer's house giving him the Robert DeNiro eyes from Meet the Parents.

Meet theBoy

Well after five years of trying, theWife and I succeeded in birthing ourselves a baby.

theBoy arrived via a semi-emergency C-section late last night after theWife's labour wasn't progressing as speedily as hoped for. He's a small baby due to late term complications but he should flesh out in the next few weeks to normal size.

theWife is a bit sore but dealing well with post birthing. She even managed to walk around a bit this pm after getting sliced above her pubis less than 12 hours before.

He had to go in one of those humidicrib things but will be let out soon. And he will prob be in his new home soon.

However from the top of my head, here's some fleeting highlighted memories and advice RE IVF pregnancy and birthing a baby.

A) Ultrasound jelly is nontoxic. It tastes purple.
B) When driving your baggie of fresh jizz to the clinic note they actually allow an hour to get it to them. They say half an hour so you don't dawdle. On more than one occasion I ran a red light, a fresh cup'o'creamyme in my top pocket, and indeed fish tailed around corners to get it there (since I refused to beat off at the clinic ... whose magazines a friend wryly noted, included a Golf mag).
C) Hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time is kewl. You can fully create doosh doosh music to it.
D) When meeting your obstetrician for the first time don't say 'if theWife has to go under can you like add stuff like gills?' then make flapping motions at the side of your neck whilst gulping like a goldfish. He will think you're a fuckwit.
E) Holy fucking shit we're parents. That just blows my mind.

Oh, this is me wearing scrubs. The largest set they had. They were so tight I couldn't wear a shirt underneath. It looks like the sprayed on costume belonging to a super-villain known only as "The Surgeon".

Libs to send around re-education vans

Sydney, NSW; With still being unable to comprehend people having finally woken up to their shitty fuck minorities in the arse in order to stay in power and rape the fairness of treatment under the law over the bonnet of their hummer, the Liberal party has announced today that the government will send re-education vans around the community in order to really accurately deliver information on key "... services ..."

'The union campaign relying on pointing out how the lack of unfair dismissal laws means people will be treated unfairly, and how giving bosses all the power in an employer/employee relationship to the extent that they can use that status to intimidate subordinates and create a culture of fear has clearly worked,' moaned ever-optimist Tony Abbott. 'The lying snakes.'

'So in order to combat these factual lies, various government ads featuring specially hand picked public servants who have agreed that to not appear in an overtly political ad on our shitty industrial relations package we have Orwellianly renamed from the previous WorkChoices is September 10 thinking, will be screened in the mega-multimedia re-education vans. They will visit shopping centres, schools, and retirement villages and other places where it's easy to herd Australians and one by one they will be subjected to a battery of happy happy joy joy, all to the backing strains of classical music.'

Left: A subject enjoys the Liberal party Government ad experience.

'We know the kids like anything with a hint of technology,' beamed a muscular Abbott as he did a hundred push ups on the pavement. clapping his hands between each upward lunge.

'So they will enjoy being literally wired into a computer with their being unable to look away from the screen as a giant YouTube Howard gently reminds them that anything good in their life is because of him, and everything bad in their life is because of Unions and the ALP.'

'We're tired of people suddenly realising that Unions, while having their faults like any large organisation, are essentially a group of passionate like minded standing up for others, and that people are not simply signing something the boss stuck before them as he smugly contemplates that new obscenely huge 4WD he's getting as a result of a profit surge only he will enjoy,' said Mr Abbott, bench pressing large but cuddly colleague Joe Hockey. 'So hopefully our 20 billion dollar investment in really top notched one on one focussed techno wizardry and implants will put paid to the unpleasantly vile opposition who for some unknown reason lead in the polls.'

Crappy photos

A friend sent me a shot from a work function.

I fully looked like Craig Feldspar (only bearded) from Malcolm in the Middle.

I know the camera adds weight. But ... come on!




















Oh - and this is no sledge on the actor David Higgins. The man is a comedic actor genius. Kudos for a fine role on a fine show.

I just wish I didn't look like him ... only even fatter.

And so it's come to this

The Libs have released their emergency seizure of Aboriginal land legislation. Just 24 hours before it is voted on.

Chris Graham of The National Indigenous Times, which seems to be the premier newszine on Aboriginal issues, wrote this in today's Crikey. I hope they're cool with me printing the text.

Only a card-carrying member of the Liberal Party could now argue that the 'emergency intervention' was anything but a political stunt. But if you still have your doubts, take a gander at the legislation that has sprung from it (read the full bills here and here).

The 500-odd pages were dropped in the ALP's lap, with less than 24 hours available for scrutiny of the three bills before they’re debated in parliament today.

Yesterday, News Limited papers broke news of a leaked report by Liberal Party pollster Mark Textor, warning that 'Honest John' was now perceived as ‘Old Dishonest John’. Textor had some advice.

The government needed to seize the agenda from the ALP and, according to press gallery scribe Malcolm Farr, it also needed to "emphasise that the Commonwealth was bailing out ineffective and inefficient states". Textor’s report was delivered on June 21. Has no-one yet noticed that the federal government's ''emergency intervention'' in the Northern Territory was announced on the afternoon of … you guessed it, June 21?

If you didn't know any better, you'd swear the Howard government had created legislation that was so insane it could only be designed to secure a wedge to take to the next election.

My personal favourite is the proposed law which would enable the government to appoint an “observer” to attend any meeting of any organisation that provides services within any of the 73 NT Aboriginal communities that are being seized by the government. In other words, every meeting of every Aboriginal organisation. In the old days, we used to call that ''observer'' a ''mission manager''. And what a success they were!

Then there’s the legislation that will see the creation of a register to record the ''name, hour and date'' every time someone uses a publicly-funded computer. Crazy, crazy stuff.

And what about the bill that proposes Aboriginal welfare recipients within the 73 communities automatically have 50% of their welfare payments quarantined, no matter how they’ve spent their money in the past? So much for the ''we don’t use a one size fits all'' mantra.

This whole episode has descended into high farce. It could only occur in an election year. There are only two possible explanations for legislation this extreme.

The first is that Mal and John have genuinely gone stark raving bonkers. The second possibility – and the one I favour -- is that Howard and Brough have set out to deliberately create legislation that's so extreme, even the ALP couldn’t possibly support it.

Rudd was supposed to hedge, and Howard would get his wedge.

But it didn't work out that way, and while it may seem extraordinary that the ALP could even contemplate supporting such insane legislation, going on Kevin Rudd's past form it's not surprising. The man wants to win office.

The coalition are now wedgeless and no matter who wins government this year, we're stuck with ridiculous, half baked legislation for years to come.

It's some consolation that Labor will move some amendments, including changes to the racial discrimination act, and provisions and changes to the permit system, but ultimately Labor has again failed Aboriginal Australia.

Whoever wins power later this year, it's irrelevant to Aboriginal people. Governments can legislate, but Aboriginal people will not assimilate. This sort of legislation was tried in the early 1900s and failed abysmally, these bills will do the same.

Unbelievable. This greatest change in Australian-Aboriginal interaction since the referendum 40 odd years ago and it seems on balance to be a dog's breakfast policy. Where's the consideration? The debate? The expertise? Where's the elders? The administrators? The people it affects? Wheres anyone and everyone involved in this issue in the drafting of this? Why are they taking so little time to draft it? It's not because it's an emergency is it? I mean this emergency has been going on 30 years and the Libs have had tens of reports to choose from in their time in office (which is why Brough says of that "it's not about what happened in the past, it's about what's needed for the future" because he has no fucking come back to it - despite his boss disingenuously and saintly claiming the action is all about the "woefully inept NT government sitting on it for six weeks".).

So does it then become merely an attempt to wedge the ALP like Graham suggests? I hope not. I hope the PM is not so freakishly cold and mercenary to make this just about politics. Could anyone seriously think like that? Is the game so important to him he's willing to decay the concept of fair treatment and the fair go?

Well, so far with all he's done ...

Tipping point

Us lunch lads were discussing tipping points today. I said that one of the motivations I had to actually turning out lights and using less electricity (and I use too much) was my not wanting to be the tipping point. What if it was me whose action lead to just enough of an effect to have a long term knock on catastrophic effect? I would feel shithouse if I knew.

Imagine actually knowing.

Like for example the woman who designed the butterfly ballots from the 2000 election which effectively lead to Bush winning. Who could possibly have foreseen what an insane terrorism plumped up Pet Goat reading Bush was going to do to the world? Hundreds and thousands dead in his name, with 3,000+ of them serving US military personnel.

Like I said, you'd have to feel shithouse. So in that sense, ignorance is bliss.

Piss Weak Strategy

Ah Lynton Crosby. Remember him? He's the one that suggested to the UK conservative party they run pictures of gypos with the words 'Are You Thinking What We're Thinking?' next to them in some sort of Tampa on crack affair (which bombed badly).

Well Crosso's back with this memo (Warning it's from the Daily Tellie) where Howard is revealed to be a dishonest old coot, perhaps akin to a drunken prospector in the bar that claims he has a massive claim and he's just waiting on the paperwork.

One of Crosso's strategies seems to be to blame the states for everything bad. As many have noted. Because you see the States control all the big ticket infrastructure items like roads, hospitals, jails, housing infrastructure etc. Which means they have to borrow money to develop them. It's called investing in our future. The libs on the other hand only spend money on staying in power which directly impacts negatively on our future what with anti terror laws designed to expel people who dress up as tigers at Halliburton protests or silly brown doctors who have the gall to have second cousins who commit crimes. And don't get me started on all the under the rock types that used to fucking stay there and whisper their dark lust for the anglo culture only long since past when they got tiddley at BBQs, and instead have social gatherings complete with fucking snags down by the fucking beach, before assembling to bash brown people at the railway station.

Anyway, Crosby's lame arsed attempt to explain away the likely five interest rates since Howard promised they'd be 'record lows' as being the state's fault is quite hilarious. And in theory it will only work on TT/ACA McMansion owning fucksticks if they are wired up like Zoolander in Mugatu's secret warehouse lair.

Speaking of which. "Malaysian Prime Minister Bad!", "Martial Arts Good!"

Der...

Liberal polling shows Howard as being 'old and dishonest'.

I don't give a shit about the old person jibe. For a man of his age Howard is exceptionally fit. He could walk the hell out of me and probably most people 20 years younger. This man power walks something like an hour each day. All credit it to him.

But he is dishonest. The man is a poll whore. Sure on some things he takes a risk then spends our money changing our gut reaction on it - sometimes failing (Iraq for example). But by and large, according to his old Chief of Staff, the main focus of Howard was staying politically ahead. Not governing well. Not laying down infrastructure to support future generations (although he claimed the GST and the waterfront did that - yay let's illegally sack thousands of workers in a massive conspiracy then take credit for it).

Yes he's old(er). But it's the dishonest part that gets me. And the sheer damage he's done to Australian society. Sure people are better off, but there's a strong argument to make that the 20% increase in real wages accorded as a result of the previous government to his, and at any rate now first homes are largely unaffordable in the bigger centres.

Cronulla would not have happened under Keating. The pacific solutions would not have happened. The demonisation of Muslims and brownies would not have happened. This is a man who sees a wedge and embraces it to stay in power. Doing the right thing is not in Howard's vocab - as witnessed by their pathetic seizure of a hospital from the Tasmanian government despite the fact exhaustive research showed the best option was not two failing hospitals but a single well funded and resourced one.

Howard is driven by Polls. That's why he spends our tax dollars on bribing people to swing his way.

Yes it's politics. But it still shits me that people won't wake up to this devious little snake weasel.

Greg Fleet is a funny bastard

Just watched the great debate where he was on the negative for "ignorance is bliss".

This attempted quote probably won't do it justice but ...

I was out with a friend and this homeless looking druggie lurched up to us. He said "aw can I have some money? It's not for heroin. It's for a sandwich." My friend, without thinking asked "what sort of sandwich?" And the druggie looked at us then replied " ... a ... heroin sandwich?". Then he got distressed and said "aw you got me with your clever word play".

Gold.

Come on SMH

I love my Sydney Morning Herald. The idea it's nothing more than a commercial entity supplying a commodity doesn't hold for the people that read it. It's a part of my life like reading is. I like it because it has excellence in journalism. It does. It's balanced - and even if they do run columns from righty rat bags like Devine, Sheehan, Henderson, and even Abbott, by and large they balance it out with realist grounded types.

But on occasion I do get irked with their dalliance with the tabloid side. I'd say in this case the dalliance is a result of the Sun-Herald content going up on the main site (as today is Sunday).

See this story here.

Now if you saw the following graphic you'd assume from the face of it (see pic and caption) that the lawyers had smuggled in those weapons. These massive Conan esq weapons that would be somewhat readily detected by dint of their size.

Weapons found on visitors which officers believe were to be smuggled into NSW prisons included machetes, a tomahawk, carving knives, slingshots, batons and a shotgun shell.

Except the ginormous bladed effort of the photo is re-captioned in its own photo as being a weapon made in prison.

Furthermore while some lawyers were found to be smuggling stuff in to jail, they represented only 3 of the 467 people caught smuggling things in. Indeed I would hazard that of all the people more likely to be caught providing something illegal to a prisoner on balance it would be corrections staff than prisoners' lawyers.

Of course the pic of the sombre looking corrections man with all the bad toys prisoners have access to makes good copy. But the SMH does not need to misrepresent it as 'ooooo smuggled in' when they admit some of the stuff from the photo was made in jail.

Frankly I'd be more concerned about that.

Of course if you had prisoners stuck in their cells 23 hours a day with nothing to do then you would likely cut down their weapon manufacturing / use. And I bet there's more than one prison warder who'd like to do that.

What's the one joke you always remember when someone says 'tell a joke'?

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

















Dung!


I remember once out at the pub this drunk guy came staggering up to us and slurred 'what's black and white and ... fucking ... red and sits and ... sits in a fucking tree?'

I did not expect the answer to be 'a magpie cracking a fat'.

That is all.

Oh don't listen to them, they're beastly

All politicians play the man not the ball when it comes to a nasty ball that they clearly can't play. What the current federal government did in regard to aid in Iraq, such as allow the AWB cancer to metastasize on their watch, was an appalling mismanagement. Such bad in fact that the Oz, whose opinionists are among the more sycophantic, called for Downer's resignation (though in theOz's defence the excellence of their reporting of AWB meant its journalist arm got the big boy chair on that issue over the usual the propaganda arm).

Aidwatch have been labeled by the 'shan't ever resign, EVER!' foreign minister as nothing more than extremists for daring to raise uncomfortable points about how our aid was used in regards to Iraq. See the Aidwatch response to Downer's claim here.

Downer's hue and cry was as a result of this.

Report reveals Australian aid to Iraq used for economic gain not humanitarian relief

A report released today by AID/WATCH claims aid sent to Iraq was used to promote Australian
commercial interests not humanitarian purposes.

Determining their National Interest: Australia’s Economic Intervention in Iraq reveals the role that Australia aid-funded officials played in restructuring Iraqi economy through their involvement in the Coalition Provisional Authority (CPA) - the body which formally oversaw the occupation of Iraq.

Whilst stating their intention to work towards a reconstruction of the Iraqi economy, the CPA devised a series of agreements that ensured Iraqi dependency on foreign markets.

Among the most significant of these agreements was the June 2003 decision to rescind all taxes, duties and tariffs on imports - closely followed by the installation of a flat 15 percent tax on all individuals and corporations.

AID/WATCH claims these actions have left Iraqi farmers struggling to compete yet provided
significant benefit for large foreign companies and Australian wheat producers.

Further, the report finds that no Iraqi’s were consulted or even presented with the plans enacted by the CPA - which will be very difficult to modify by future Iraqi governments.

Flint Duxfield co-director of AID/WATCH says “the report clearly demonstrates that Australian aid contractors in Iraq had little to no humanitarian mission, but rather sought to ensure that post-conflict Iraq would provide maximum economic opportunities for Australian companies.”

Ultimately the report highlights the need for more than just an exit strategy in Iraq – but an
explanation as to why Australian aid was involved in restructuring the Iraqi economy in a way which fundamentally fails to support Iraqi people.

Author of the report, Chris Doran commented "Australia played a significant role in forcing a radical, market oriented economic model on Iraq under the military occupation. Australia benefited economically at the direct expense of the Iraqi people, who the Howard government claimed to be helping."

According to AIDWATCH the findings reflect a fundamental problem inherent to Australia’s aid
program - that it is designed to promote Australian national interest, over and above the
humanitarian interests of the country it claims to be supporting.

Says AIDWATCH Co-Director Flint Duxfield: “When the benefits of an intervention such as Ira go disproportionately to the country providing the funding, we cannot call this money aid.”

The report calls for a full audit of Australian aid to Iraq since 2003 - including a comprehensive breakdown of ODA eligible expenditure in Iraq by all government departments

The report can be found here. I am going to read it tomorrow and see how it plays out.

It should be noted however that Aidwatch is clearly a leftist organisation in the sense the leftists the right love to hate are involved. eg the board has people like Pilger, Chomsky, and Pat O'Shane on it. So in that sense, through the prism of a toffie nosed thug like Downer I can see how he'd see it as extremist.

Things not to say

When helping colleagues deal with a tricky excel problem and, when you leave their side to go to the toilet and whilst performing twosies have a eureka moment, do not go back to them and say 'I thought of this brilliant idea whilst defecating.'

Because it will undermine said idea.

In my defence I actually managed not to say that.

No inquiry because the High Court ruled on a completely different matter

Crinkle eyes, aka Our Dear Leader (long may he rule us), has declared the 5-2 ruling in favour of Defence of the realm meaning people can be effectively detained or their movements curtailed under the constitution, has declared this means everything they did in the Haneef case was just peachy. Nothing to see here. Move along.

See the story here.

Opposition Leader Kevin Rudd has called for an independent judicial inquiry into the handling of the Indian doctor's case which resulted in charges being dropped.

But Mr Howard said there was no need for an inquiry because the terrorism laws already had passed an important test.

"We don't need a judicial inquiry, that is a politically inspired call by Mr Rudd," Mr Howard told Sky News.

"I think the great litmus test of the new anti-terrorism laws was yesterday's decision by the High Court of Australia, upholding the control order legislation.

"I'm very pleased that the High Court has ruled in favour of the constitutionality of those laws and I think that demonstrates that the laws were soundly based."

Nice try wedgie, trying to paint Rudd's gritted through teeth admission everything your lot did with Haneef was tainted politically as being political.

Now I'm no lawyer. But my understanding was the High Court ruled on the recent addition of control orders - to whit controlling the movement of persons even though they had not been found guilty of a crime and/or charged. Such as with Thomas (who had his charges dropped because what he admitted to happened under torture).

What does this have to do with the Haneef case? Well ... they're both Muslims. That appears to be it. Haneef was banged up under indefinite detention (albeit magistrate monitored) until 12 or 24 hours total interrogation time had passed, giving the cops oodles of time to go through all his stuff, his PC etc, and gather reams of material to question him on. Then, when he made bail, Kevin Andrews used his largely untested ministerial power to cancel his visa because, well, he could.

The only thing Howard can possibly cling to is the fact the high court have signaled that this particular court is willing to give the government lots of power to do lots of things.

It's hardly a statement of 'no inquiry needed' unless Howard is basically saying 'these judges are my bitches, so any inquiry would face these bitches'.

The High Court is made up of independent legal voices with vast experience. But we're not kidding ourselves these judges are not ideologically leaning towards the Howard government. Because they appointed them. And their main criterion was not excellence in jurisprudence, it was that they were a 'Capital C Conservative'.

Howard can take comfort his boys on the bench will block stuff. But it's hardly likely an inquiry would involve the High Court. The High Court doesn't conduct inquiries. It rules on cases bought to it.

Howard is technically a lawyer. But, like any good story, he's not going to let the law get in the way.

Boston Legal is some of the finest tellie I have ever seen

I don't agree necessarily with the views espoused by the characters, but I do like however the debate is for the most part rigorous. They do cover some pretty tricky ethical issues along with the comedic elements and just some top notch acting.

The last ep of the 1st season (where I am up to in viewing, so no spoilers), was especially good. If only for the scene at the end where a black prisoner decides to show he is human and struggle as they strap him down to get his needle.

This scene where Alan shows up the absurdity that is the Texan legal system is particularly good. I am sure there's more than one jurist who feels like he does. That Texas has made their system so it reduces checks and balances in return for speedier executions should be a concern to us all because, like the legal system Oz is morphing to, it swings the favour of the court to the accuser not the accused.

Uh Oh for the SBS document and more goodies for the law

The SBS Dossier of Haneef as Gam/Sarah noted mysteriously vanished from SBS's site.

Yes the Dr Haneef police file, which sounds like it actually came from the files of Police Squad it was that piss poor, as been rejected by the Indian plods as coming from them.

See here.

Gopal Hosur, Bangalore's deputy police commissioner, today said police in Dr Haneef's hometown did not even have a file on the doctor.

"That is all incorrect and false," he told The Associated Press of the media report.

"I don't know where they got this information from or who they're quoting."

But - don't fear fear mongers. The AFP is on the case and will check this.

In Keelty's defence I don't think he is playing politics. He and the AFP are genuinely attempting to do their jobs as dictated by the law (even if they are shitty laws). I do think however some elements are being heavily politicized but I don't think Keelty is part of it. He's working in a political environment where the government of the day is using Laura Norder Special Edition to their benefit and he has to tread warily.

For example, that report about the AFP writing stuff in Haneef's diary was false. An interviewer happened to be working off a photocopy of the diary where a fellow plod had written some notes. It should have been picked up in the press. And I believe when told the Oz printed a small retraction.

However that being said law enforcers are always looking to change the rules to make things easier for themselves. For example removing what they think is unnecessary oversight, or controlling the movement of people despite their not being guilty of a crime (or were formerly guilty), and laws that mean you don't need a specific plot planned to be done for terrorism. All of which I disagree with because I think the balance has swung away from protecting liberties versus providing the executive the legal framework to protect its people. The adage of 10 guilty should walk free lest an innocent man be jailed has long since died - as witnessed by a Sunrise Seven poll I saw where 84% of people don't want Haneef to get his visa back.

One such rule the cops want changed is to gain the ability to approve their own taps on people's communications. See here.

Thank gawd however it seems the ALP has grown a pair and decided to risk being wedged on it by saying that removal of judicial oversight in this process is going too far.

Of course it's going too far. The whole point of having three arms of government is so each balances the other. With a combo Legislature/Executive we're always on the verge of tyranny, soft or hard. This is that. You remove the ability for one to watch the other then the other will do things that are wrong. It's a matter of time.

Yes, a judicial employee may give away tap details. Deal with it. In the public service tens and thousands of us work with sensitive information that is not given away. You have to trust them to do the right thing. Because without someone watching the watcher, I sure as fuck don't trust them.

In other 'loss of liberties' news, Jack Thomas lost his appeal against control orders in the high court, with five of the seven judges claiming the broad Defence of the realm component of the constitution gives the government the power to do it.

See here.

I am disgusted at this. Control orders again are something that enables the government to punish people they couldn't get in a court of law. Like what happened with Thomas. This is Greg Barnes from today's Crikey on the ruling (with Kirby's quote in blue).

The current High Court is capital C conservative, which is of course what you would expect after a decade of Howard government judicial appointments. And so it should come as no surprise that the Court would this morning uphold the constitutional validity of a preventative detention order placed on Jihad Jack Thomas.

But what should frighten Australians about today’s decision is that the High Court appears to have lined up with the Executive Government and the Parliament in their attempts to severely curtail liberty and adjudge the innocent guilty through preventative detention.

What the High Court has said today is that governments can use the Defence Power in the Constitution to legislate not just in respect of external threats to Australia’s security, but internal threats as well. And in doing so, the High Court has decided that the Communist Party case of the 1950s, when the Court, led by one of the greatest jurists of all time, Owen Dixon, stymied the Menzies government's attempt to ban the Communist Party, was probably wrong.
As Justice Michael Kirby put it this morning in his valiant dissent:

I did not expect that, during my service, I would see the Communist Party Case sidelined minimized, doubted and even criticized and denigrated in this Court. Given the reasoning expressed by the majority in these proceedings, it appears likely that, had the Dissolution Act of 1950 been challenged today, its constitutional validity would have been upheld. This is further evidence of the unfortunate surrender of the present Court to demands for more and more governmental powers, federal and State, that exceed or offend the constitutional text and its abiding values. It is another instance of the constitutional era of laissez faire through which the Court is presently passing.

That the High Court has failed up uphold civil liberties today points yet again to the need for a Bill of Rights in this country.

I am not some effete in love with liberty more than life nambo. I do see terrorism as a threat because since countries that want the US and other westies out of their hair can't do anything militarily about it, then they will resort to this as an option. But these are freedoms that are part of our culture and their warping and loss in turn warps our culture. Fuck the poor, the huddled, the indigent. What if they're an bomb wielding brownie!? For every freedom we give up, we grow closer to the dystopia police state you only see in fiction. And what is the hall mark of these fictional societies? Overblown sense of threat meets a state of emergency with only one group trusted to protect us all.

Not for me thanks.

PS Miranda Devine sees nothing wrong with all of this Haneef unpleasantness.

Whatever Haneef's reasons for not availing himself of every opportunity to publicly clear his name, the fact is that armchair critics of Australian authorities handling of his case have been too quick to jump to conclusions. This is because of their pre-September 11 mind-set.

They still do not understand that the law enforcement environment was transformed by the terrorist attacks on America in 2001.

Yes, it was transformed. Law enforcement was handed too great a power too quickly and they abused the fuck out of it. Even when they are doing their job. Aided and abetted by government lickspittles like Miranda Devine. Hell, the US was synonymous with freedom and aspiration for a better world. Now they have an administration promoting the use of torture in interrogation because of some mythical ticking bomb fantasy, and with secret prisons or prisons designed to remove people from the protections of the law (again, the executive doing all it can to remove oversight of other branches of government).

Terrorism is winning. Because people are terrified. Now, whose fault is that? Just the terrorists?

I think not.

The Deal - Seven News Cross

Does anyone watching this honestly think that Andrew "Advast ye matey" O'Keefe and whatever talking head is fronting the six pm bulletin are doing a live cross?

If so, why does the head "thank Andrew"? Andrew from two months ago when that ep was shot?

Apparently the Deal lead in is one of the reasons for the seven news at six doing so well. So I have to think ... there are people that do think that.

Indian Police release additional dossier

Dr Mohamed Haneef has been conclusively proved a terrorist according to Indian police, who have since released a portion of another dossier on the suspected "terror doctor".

'As you can see his class clearly indicates "Terrorist" said Captain Sanjeev Makaley. 'And that he has reached level 3. Furthermore it states his "player", the man who controls him is Umar Farooq, a known separatist. The orchestrator, the master if you will of the entire campaign is none other than Bin Laden himself!'

The Captain also pointed out that Haneef is "Chaotic Evil", which according to other super secret files means that people "... of this alignment tend to have little respect for rules, other peoples' lives, or anything but their own selfish desires. They typically only behave themselves out of fear of punishment. Examples of Chaotic Evil creatures are demons, werewolves, the dangerous and powerful red dragons, and the brutal orcs."

'You can also add islamists to that list of evil,' added Captain Makaley.



Left: Portion of additional dossier released by Indian police.

New sexy science stories to hit sex airwaves

The latest 0055 phoneline to hit the sex airwaves will focus on the high end brain market according to strapping hunk Q Binley, manager of Eros Sextainment, the company behind the sexy story service.

‘This man is a God to some people,’ said Binley. ‘His uber brain is so big that it actually warps the space time of his own body. He is literally touching the face of the universe. Or, at the very least proves it either exists or doesn’t mathematically. Either way, big brain on this bastard.’

‘Sexy bastard,’ he added.

Users of the service will have a range of sexy menus to select from, featuring well scripted scenarios involving the celeb in erotic action.

‘No Hair Theorem, Black hole, and Big Bang,’ said Binley, ticking off examples of the scripted stories. ‘So that’s shaved, inter-racial, and plumpers covered for your sextainment, with many, many more niche adventures available.’

Binley said that the celeb did not even have to record the sexy messages, and merely licensed his vocal likeness, enabling basic synthesizer software to provide the actual recordings.

‘Oh he had full script approval,’ said Binley. ‘He particularly enjoyed our spacetime foam scenario.’

Binley said callers of all sexes were bound to get a cosmic inflation … in their pants.

‘Just listen to a sample of this sexy, sexy man in action,’ he said.

‘HELLO, I AM NOW TOUCHING YOUR ANTI DE SITTER PLACE,’ intoned the recording at a low, low $4.95 a minute (mobiles cost extra). ‘AS I AM TOUCHING YOU, YOU ARE REACHING FOR MY ARROW OF TIME...’

The sexy story line is due to go ‘live’ tomorrow.

Worst. Intelligence. Dossier. Ever

SBS Dateline got a hold of an alleged dossier on Haneef from the Indian police. See the Dateline website here. It has links to the alleged document.

It seriously looks like something a 12 year old cooked up using microsoft word. There's no identifying markers regarding where this information is stored, a single caveat on the top of the first page (Restricted), almost all the information is missing from the tables, they used the same grainy passport photo the media has, and almost all the comments are all tied in to his recent activities. Except for this one. The over-all assessment.








Based on fucking what? That he studied in Karnataka ergo he's a terrorist? There's no supporting facts. No list of who he's met with. No nothing! Is SBS seriously claiming this is an actual police document? Because if it is I feel immensely sorry for the Indian law enforcement community. It's on a scale of complexity and information that you'd find in the Basic D&D character sheets I used to draw up in year 4.

Look ! He's got alleged Al'Qaida links! See! How do you know? Cause we said so in his over-all assessment. He studied in Karnataka, so he must be a terrorist!

This is logic up there with my dog has no nose, how does he smell?, terrible.

Karnataka isn't even a Muslim dominant state. According to the wiki it's 12% identified as Islamic.

Maybe there's something I am not getting. Did the Indian police censor this document before they gave it to SBS? Delete all the info out of the fields of the table and just left the OA at the end which is the summary of that missing information? I didn't see Dateline, anyone see it and shed any light?

UPDATE: The links to the dossier on the dateline site seem to have disappeared. I am sticking on my investigating shoes.

Shudder

I had to change the litter. I'd left it a tad long. When I pulled the plastic bag litter liner out the hand went into wee.

I was grossed out.

That is all.

Oh - as I was leaving the gents I was singing 'I fuck dogs' ... and managed to sing it just as another co-worker walked in.

So I got that going for me.