Saturday, March 31, 2007

The PM speaks on Hicks

Naturally 100% partisan and self serving. Let's look (thanks to the SMH)

PM's reaction from article (bits RE PM in ital)

Prime Minister John Howard said Hicks pleaded guilty to assisting terrorists only because the US military had a strong case against him.

Well you should hope so. They had five years to put it together and can rely on both hearsay information and information gained from coercive interrogation (aka torture). Frankly I'd admit to anything with a damn good rodgering from a glow stick but the PM's made of sterner stuff. He'd probably say 'I can take it all bitch' and demand they sink it in deeper. Go the PM.

Mr Howard fired back at critics over the controversial military tribunal that tried Hicks, saying: "Whatever may be the rhetorical responses of some and particularly the government's critics, the facts speak for themselves."

"He pleaded guilty to knowingly assisting a terrorist organisation - namely al-Qaeda.

Pleaded guilty in a manifestly unfair legal process where he had little chance of escaping proven guilt and where he was offered a deal to do far less time than he would anyway.

"He's not a hero in my eyes and he ought not to be a hero in the eyes of any people in the Australian community.

I don't think anyone ever said he was a hero. Perhaps in deluded righty land where Howard lives people who stand up and say 'this man, whose views and actions I distain, is being treated badly' constitutes that man being a hero.

"The bottom line will always be that he pleaded guilty to knowingly assisting a terrorist organisation.

Under a military commission to laws he broke roughly five years before they were made (2001 Vs 2006). Cough - retroactive - cough.

"He's acknowledged the prosecution could have proved that beyond a reasonable doubt."

In a military commission where the executive supplies the judiciary, the prosecution, the defence, the prison system and where evidence not able to be tendered in a normal court such as hearsay and that gained through duress, is permitted. Let alone the fact that despite your weasel words he never ever received presumption of innocence and wasn't charged for a long period of time and when charged the process that he was charged under was thrown out by the US supreme court as a broken shit smear of a legal process - a process yet to be challenged again in court. And where when he went to trial two thirds of his defence team were sacked and the only man in uniform that has done him any service at all - Major Mori - was facing charges of professional conduct - charges I am certain would have been officially laid should Hicks have continued.

Mr Howard also rejected claims that the Australian government influenced the tribunal to deliver a sentence for Hicks that would see him released after the federal election later this year.

Well we all know that's a massive pack of shit. He would have presented a 'wish for this to be resolved speedily' and the US would have read between the lines and known exactly what he meant. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out "Honest John" is a scheming little prick who would happily allow a man to rot without being able to access a fair legal process because it suited him politically.

And Australians have voted him in, what four times? Man I despair, I really do. But the times do suit him (S11, mortgages that will fuck you up the arse if rates go up too high). Hopefully that's about to change.

Huh? Talking works??

From the NY Observor via the SMH, an article on how the Irish peace process of power sharing gives hope for the Palestinian issue to be resolved. In that eventually people talk and eventually even the most hysterical terror groups end up talking too. And that despite all the blood and death on both sides, accords can be reached. See the article here.

The conclusion (spoiler) is particularly excellent

Almost every armed struggle is underpinned by grandiose claims of ideological purity. Any engagement with the electoral process erodes those justifications, because it brings the would-be revolutionaries into the messy business of realpolitik, however reluctantly, and makes it more difficult for them to ignore the will of the broad mass of people, who are almost never as radical as the guerillas themselves.

Making peace with erstwhile violent groups is a delicate business: it requires not merely pressure or concessions, but a nerve-wracking combination of both. But now is the time to engage with the Palestinians.

The late Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat used to talk about a "peace of the brave". He never showed that bravery. Neither Israel nor its friends in the West should be found wanting now.

Two fingers to Miranda

In the Postcript on the Letters page of today's SMH, the Letter's editor Jennie Curtin notes the following

While the state of the planet occupied minds at week's end, before that all talk was of David Hicks. Many were unsurprised by his guilty plea, bearing in mind conditions at Guantanamo Bay. The actual issue of his guilt or innocence was largely ignored, and more consideration given to his five years' incarceration. Until Miranda Devine wrote in her column of egg on the faces of the "naive hysterics who believe he is a tortured innocent" and the "glory-seeking civil rights lawyers who have attached themselves to his case". Well, the lawyers were fairly quiet in response but the "naive hysterics" hit back in their hundreds. Most were outraged. But some, like Selina Cheng, were more moderate: "His Australian citizenship and his right as a human being to ethical and humane treatment - even under suspicion of guilt - is what people are supporting, not what he did."

Damn straight Selina Cheng. It's a shame Hicks' detractors do not, nor will ever, get that.

It's a Christmas Miracle!



Fun at da shops

We went to Belco Westfield. Whilst there I...

...Had a foam sword fight with a friend in Toys R Us. No offence mate, but I touched gut before you did ("Did not" "Did so" "Did not" etc).

...Saw Jon Stanhope buying stuff. Felt like going over and saying 'hey man, great job' but that would be creepy and make him uncomfortable.

...But the absolute best thing I saw was a big fuck off yellow fire truck filled with firies parked in the Woolies 'emergency vehicles only' bay. And right next to the truck was a big line of shopping trolleys that were clearly blocking the door with the sign on it that read 'Fire exit; do not obstruct'.

Ah, for those moment when I wish I had a camera. But I am such luddite the mobile phone (which I swore I would never get) doesn't have one. TheWife's does but she would have been annoyed if I had tried to take a photo of it.

Ouch - Ramsey gives both barrels to Rudd

Alan Ramsey is one of the elder journos in Oz. And unlike many, he doesn't (at least to me) appear tainted by leaning to one side of politics or the other (though he has an overt loathing of Howard). Righties contend he is a mouthpiece for the ALP - but hey they would.

Anyway in regards to the recent remorph of Rudd's family tale of woe, Ramsey listed in some detail the efforts the Ruddster had gone to kill the story - claiming it was nothing more than a character sledge. He's right - sort of - in the sense it questioned his character. Except of course it is a story that is of public interest and you have to wear these things in politics.

See it here

But in the story the think that shocked me the most - and I wasn't shocked by Rudds attempting to kill it because it was a character sledge and threatened the idealised image he'd carefully presented. It was this bit.

Rudd made, it seems, at least three more calls. If Dulhunty was convinced he was going to run the story, what could he say? Rudd asked. He was told, yet again, that the paper would like his response. He said he would email a reply, then called again to say he would dictate his words. "He sounded like he was in a cupboard," Dulhunty told others later. Where Rudd was, in fact, the paper learned that night, was at lunch at the Sydney home of the Murdoch columnist Piers Akerman.

Let's bold the scary bit.

Where Rudd was, in fact, the paper learned that night, was at lunch at the Sydney home of the Murdoch columnist Piers Akerman.

WTF?!?!?!

Piers Akerman!?!?!

I know turning partisan media to your side is an essential part of any politician that is seeking the broad mandate of the people, and perhaps scoring a fuck you on an opponent, but having lunch with him[it]!?!?!

Kevin, say it ain't so!

Piers Akerman has been nothing but a bloated voicepiece for the Liberal party pretty much for 20 odd years. He has nothing good to say about the ALP, even if it was thrust into his face and pointed at, and even then he'd claim it was a Liberal plan stolen by Labor. He is a distended piece of infected rectum. Do not hang around with him.

And then I did this and then I did that and then I ...

Hicksie is a coming home, having copped to a slew of stuff and will receive a max of seven years. Seven additional years it seems since the five years he had, as I noted many wonderful months earlier, doesn't appear to have counted (as a result of being detained Vs charged & detained).

Cue open mouthed Troy Macclure slap.

What Hick's admitted to is pretty full on. Eg Talking with OBL, guarding tanks, being on the front line for a short spell (before bolting), and saying S11 was a hum dinger. He's also going to rat on several others. Though of course I assume the ratting has already been done during the five years he's been in. Wisely, as a sop to their Oz "War on Terror" mates the US has put a gag order on Hick's talking to the media (because military commissions have such rules built in you see when charging captured enemies from the battlefield in a state vs state conflict; how I remember all those Nazis post WWII chomping at the bit to discuss Blitzkrieg but could not).

But this bit. This bit made me laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh

He also agreed that he had "never been illegally treated by any persons in the control or custody of the United States".

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha

Pretty much the clearest indicator to me of 'I will sign anything to get out of here.' No offense to my Yank brethren, but let's face it, they got a bit happy with the night stick - as evidenced by hundreds who have been released saying so.

Of course the massive excellence is that the government, and its many wonderful supporters in the right wing media will wank on about 'See!? See!?! Bin Laden! Training! Shotguns! Sirens!'

But I believe the effective counter is 'But he made it out ... with a bullet in his back'

Jaaaaaaaaaaaail Break...

Like I said. Even if he did all this stuff he now signed on to do. Not illegal at the time he did it (though the being on the frontlines after Oz entered the conflict could perhaps be an indicator of bad stuff - which WE could have charged him with).

Even if morally suckful, sometimes people have to go free in order to preserve greater overall freedoms. But hey, that's just the notions of law I like adhere to.

UPDATE: He's out in just nine months, with the rest suspended (ie he commits a crime, back in he goes for the balance). Interesting. Of course New Years means the federal election would have been and gone. See SMH here.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Stanford Prison Experiment

TheWife told me about this some years ago, and I just noticed it in a Daily Show reel blurb.

See the wiki here

It's an example of how there is a staggeringly high percentage of people who will be willing to fuck on another person given certain conditions in place. It explains a lot to me - from school bullies right through to sadistic wardens throughout history, and to those who support
political policies that are designed expressely to fuck on people. It's important why we have to reinforce respect for people throughout everything we do. And it's probably why us public service drones in sector seven g have to do equity and anti bully training every year to remind us that fucking on people is wrong and that when we see it happen we should say something and do something.

So in that spirit, and according to the public service charter to which I am signed, I would like to point out that certain key members of the executive have fucked on a large chunk of the populace in the form of racial and cultural vilification and have fostered a poisonous let's fuck on people culture as evident in the mannifestation of the Cronulla incident, and the right wing of blogland who think anyone with a funny name and a religion they know next to nothing about is packing a bomb.

It's my civic duty.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

I'll be in the shower with a wire brush

David Oldfield has publicly apologised to his wife after failing a lie detector test on the question of whether or not he had sex with Pauline Hanson.

shudder

Frankly he should be apologising to all of us.

On a lighter note from the same article...

Ms Hanson appeared nonplussed when comics from TV's The Chaser turned up at her book launch with a stained dress they said was proof of her affair.

Gold. Watched last night's ep, laughed until I choked.

Poor Miss P

Alas Miss P has discovered of late the nasty side of blogging. A semi-sometime new stalker trawling blogs to fling shit at people. Miss P happened to list a youtube piece featuring a heavyset girl talking about her opinion on weight.

So what did her stalker post?

Fat people are lazy. They indulge in their fatness at the cost of the rest of the community who take care of their weight.

Fat people are selfish. Later in life when they have health problems because of their fatness, it is the rest of the community who has to pay.

Fat people make health insurance premiums go up.

Just like smoking, fat kills.

Get over your inferiority complex by losing some weight.

You all are typical socialists want everyone else to pay instead of taking responsibility for your actions.

Good luck with your diabetes.

Wow. What a fucking hero. I've said it before and I will say it again. Right wing fuckwits just cannot help themselves. If they can't win an argument, and the deck's stacked against them given their reliance on fearful platitudes [jihadists die; Islam bad; Greenies evil] over fact based reasoning, they go the personal sledge.

It was probably directed at me as well, and I suspect he's been goaded on by a certain festy bearded nob that gives sons of the soil a bad name. For some reason tools seek said dickhead's approval.

Personally I think he has a fat fetish and he beats off to Plumpers* or one of those low rent free niche p0rn sites that litter the net. Whatever his sexual peccadilloes, one thing is clear, he's an a-grade e-fuckwit.

He rates a 3 on my pity metre.

By the way, as to his opinions on the evil fatties stealing his precious tax dollars which he could better employ purchasing back issues of plumpers, they're almost identical to Tony 'the government can't help you with health related issues because you bring it all on yourself' Abbott. Funny that.

UPDATE: Oh, he forgot a fat fact.

Fat people make up 60% of the population of this country.

UPDATE 2: Larry ripostes at Miss P's

Skinny people are lazy. They indulge in their irrational desire to be thin at the cost of the community who take care of their fragility.

Skinny people are selfish. Later in life when they have health problems because of their diminished body mass, it is the rest of the community who has to pay.

Eating disorders make health insurance premiums go up.

Just like smoking, low body weight kills.

Get over your inferiority complex by gaining some weight.

You all are typical socialists want everyone else to pay instead of taking responsibility for your body image issues.

Good luck with your liver failure.

(The argument is so illogical you can apply it anywhere!)

*HA! How does you know about Plumpers unless you get them?! QED. Er no, I live in the ACT. There's porn in this thar territory freely available at many, many fine erotic shops. Often, as irony would have it, frequented by right wing fuckholes. There's a reason why the Libs didn't bring down great vengance on the X rated industry despite saying they would. I suspect it's because of the security tape footage of certain pollies pushing shopping trolleys around those stores.

Miranda Devine creates invisible egg

I wonder if she was like that dude from the edible chemistry set, all white coaty and wispy haired yelling eureka!

By pleading guilty to terrorism this week, David Hicks has plastered egg all over the faces of his supporters - the naive hysterics who believe he is a tortured innocent as well as those glory-seeking civil rights lawyers who have attached themselves to his case.

The egg was coming, anyway, as the prosecution finally had an opportunity to lay out its allegations before the United States military commission in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

But even as they wiped the yolk from their surprised brows yesterday, apologists for the 31-year-old Muslim convert, aka Mohammed Dawood, had found another way to spin this piece of bad news to their advantage.

Hooray! says Miranda. 'See,' she shrieks. 'He's 100% pure unadulterated guilty because he admitted it!'

'Therefore everything anybody every said about him not being charged under a fair legal system, not having rights, not actually being guilty of a crime when he committed said crime [training with a terror group], all of that, means egg on the left'.

Nup, can't see any egg. Hicks pleading guilty in a mannifestly unfair system in order to pragmatically make his life easier and that closer to coming home egg does not cast. Unless you're a right wing Captain Insano.

Miranda is particularly fond of not having to see Hick's ugly face in intelligentsia cafes and so forth, or those nasty evil mean horrid Get Up people forcing people to think about the ill treatment of a dodgy human being.

I particularly love how she casts those who thought he got a raw deal, and obviously almost all of us still think that way despite his guilty plea ('David, sign this and you can be home and out in a couple of years. Fight us and it's another three years minimum to fight us and if we win, and we will win, 20 years if not longer. Oh and to reinforce it, we're sacking 2/3 of your legal representation. Why? Because we can. We will also use information gained by hearsay and under duress of both yourself and those others we arrested. Why? Because we can. We will get you. Your only chance is to sign. So sign'), as mere Hicks lovers who thought he was an innocent abroad.

I never thought he was an "innocent abroad" - despite his Defence team's statements to the contray. And you don't need Miranda Devine's bizarre line on 'inconvenient facts' which are anything but facts (not proven) but came from the US charge sheet and came from information likely gained under duress to prove that's the case. But what's more fucked is railroading someone under an unfair process, throwing them in a hole with the lights on for five years (apparently forcing him to go the Charles Manson haircut so he could drape it across his eyes to block out the light) removed from basic legal norms of protection and basic norms of treatment. As many have said people stand up for even grotesque thugs if they're being fucked on. Because it's just a few steps for the rest of us to be fucked on if we let that slide. Which is why people like the ACLU exist and who defend not only people who want to bong on for Jesus, but the KKK and Rush Limbaugh.

Politicians do not like losing power. And if they can create societal conditions where they retain power some will do it, even at the expense of social cohesiveness. For some politicians it means a culture of fear and hatred. Which is what has happened in this country. Hicks may well be a despicable person. I think anyone that trains as a non state actor to commit violence clearly has issues, be they a member of a nationalistic resistance group and Islamic, or be they a fucked in the head hill billy in the Michigan militia.

But what happened to him was a crime against us all. Against all Australians. Because it shows just exactly what arse-hats are willing to do, in order to create 'the times that will suit them'.

And you have to give it to Howard and co, they've done their absolute fucking best to do just that*.

As for Miranda Devine, I bet she's wondering why she has to put up with Fairfax and why News Ltd hasn't beaten a path to her door. Unless Fairfax are paying her more to keep her on in an effort to balance out the dangerous fact based logical reasoning types that seem to read their stuff.

*I do feel sorry for John Howard in one respect. That he doesn't have a propaganda arm as big as his texan buddies in the states to spread his message with. All Howard's got is News Limited.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon meets wiki

On the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon wiki, in the discussion it mentioned a new wiki based challenge where the aim was to get from Kevin Bacon's wiki to a chosen subject in as few a clicks as possible.

I have chosen Castles.

Here we go.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Footloose [Thinking it might mention upright priests then to clerics then to castles?]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_language [Probably cheating since I just clicked on the word English in the Footloose side bar for what lang the film was in].

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_language#History [Thinking history might help]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scotland [Scotland's full of fucking castles!]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scotland_in_the_Late_Middle_Ages [No mention, had to drill deeper]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edinburgh_Castle [Ho, ho ho, what's this? How's it going, are you flowing?]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Castle [Did it!]

That was prob an easy one. Okay - challenges for anyone bored.

Go from

Kevin Bacon to

Dungeons and Dragons
The War on Terror
John Howard
Santo Santoro
Mr Ed the talking horse
Ronald Regan
Spiders

The game is afoot!

Ralph sticker message undermined by choice of vehicle to be depicted on

HM's Car Park; Ralph magazine, the wank-mag for me too scared to buy penthouse, has released a number of stickers to promote the publication in a humorous fashion.

The sticker, featuring the profile silhouette of a reclining Charlie's Angels esq woman, is emblazoned with the words 'Rooting for Australia' along with the name of the periodical - the phrase a delightful double entendre where an innocent viewer would merely suspect it showed unquestioned support for the country, but where a wiser, more humorous fellow would assume there was a coded message that the owner of said sticker enjoyed placing his member in the complimentary hole of a lady friend.

'It really is terrifically funny,' said HM of the sticker.

The trouble was the choice of vehicle used to promote this 'Lads agenda' undercut the brand due to its un lad like nature.

'It was a silver Mazda 2,' said HM of the car. 'Which is not particularly masculine. There’s only certain types of lad wagons that can successfully carry off a sticker of such sexual power that were it a singer it would be led off the stage tired, a cloak or towel draped across its tired shoulders but, as it reached the wings, it would throw off its textile shackles and power back to the mike for another sixty eight sets.’

Left: An example of the offending unmanly vehicle which let the Ralph side down.

‘A mazda 2 is not one of them.’


HM suggested the owner might like to re-affirm his love of sexual intercourse with the ladies in a less Ralph like manner. Perhaps ‘Ahem, can I have some of your crumpet?’ which instantly brings up mental images of vicars, nice cups of tea, and a brutally loud laugh track that makes ‘Are You Being Served’ sound like a meeting of two mimes.

‘The Mazda 2 is the English cloth cap of the car world,’ said HM, despite the Mazda’s Japanese origins. ‘It cannot pull off a Ralph bumper stickering.’

Of being abused by fuckwits in cars for his portly girth, which happens on occasion (and ironically also on the internet by e-fuckwits who have never seen him in person), HM said he looked forward to the day when such abuse was delivered from a nice genteel looking vehicle like the Mazda.

‘I’d expect I’d hear a cheery toot from its horn and, as I turned to look around, through the wound down window, accompanied by a loud guffaw of the driver and his well dressed fellow passengers, would come a polite “I say old chap, you’re quite the heavyset pair of vulvic entry girdles”,’ said HM.

Best who song of all time

Gold (with thanks to JJJ for pointing it out)

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Keating gold

The scumbag archive.

He was my favourite of the rubbery figures.

Manimal

’cause I want to live like just like manimal
Careless and free like manimal
I want to live
I want to be able to turn
Into a panther or a bird in the air

(just like manimal - oooo)

Question. How the fuck did an annual get made if it got cancelled after eight episodes?

Pot, Kettle, Black

Gerard 'former Chief of Staff to John Howard' Henderson was in the SMH today declaring WorkChoices rawked and that 'bend the workers over a table and fuck them in the arse' had nothing to do with the dismal showing in the state election of his beloved Liberal party.

See the comments here

I found this bit of interest.

'Iemma has degrees in economics and law, but he is essentially a political apparatchik. He is a member of the NSW Labor right-wing machine and has a background as a union official and political staffer (to the one-time ALP heavyweight Graham Richardson).'

Yep, Iemma is an apparatchik. See how that sounds like a commie?

So Hendo, as Chief of Staff to John Howard you were ... ?

Yep. It's Pot Kettle Black time at Ranch Hendo where you won't pay for any disclosures of personal interest when slagging off an opponent for having been exactly what you were. And, actually, are, only disguising yourself in the garb of an "Institute" instead of the Technocolour Dreamcoat as a paid up member of the Liberal Party Right Wing Columnist Cabal that alas infects the print media of this country.

But Gerard Henderson never lets facts get in the way of anything. For example ...

'There is little doubt the campaign against Work Choices, run by the ACTU with the support of Labor, has been successful. This is despite the fact that over the past year about 250,000 jobs were created, real wages increased and industrial disputes were at their lowest levels since records were introduced just before World War I.'

Got any proof that was Work Choices Hendo? Of course not. No facts. Pure supposition. Maybe that resource boom had something to fucking do with it? Of course we won't know since your beloved Howard government, a man you used to work for when you were an apparatchik won't release the figures one year on under the bizarre grounds that 'they may be misinterpreted'.

Yep, they may be. But it seems as long as you can spin 'Economy good ERGO all Work Choices' without having to pony up facts I guess that's fine by you.

Hicks cops guilty ... but it doesn't make him guilty

This is not to say stuff he's done hasn't been bad. This is to say however when he did it - not a crime. The fanciful notion put forward by the Colonel "my opponent lawyer is saying mean stuff about the president and Mr Howard" prosecutor was that 'material support to terrorism' existed on the books since 1994 - the Oklahoma bombing.

Yes, he's right. It did exist. In a completely different book. A book concerning American citizens. Not say foreigners bought for $1,000 from bounty hunters and kidnapped under the Patriot act (as opposed to being taken on a battlefield and POW provisions like some think happened).

So Hicks has copped guilty. And tomorrow we'll know why when he is sentenced (I believe). As more than one person has pointed out he's copped guilty because the plea bargain he will have gotten will offer him the chance to come home, either as a semi-free man (control orders) or to serve out his time in an Oz jail (slightly better conditions that 'let's shove a stick up his arse' gitmo). Even though the legal proceedings that are jailing him are immoral and questionable in law.

I think Gam says it best - who said it before Hicks copped guilty.

'he'll cop a plea, that's the whole point of 5 years of constant torture. they don't have anything approaching real evidence or a legal court. the only option is to shove glo-sticks up his ass until he begs to be found guilty of something so the torture stops. welcome to justice, comrades.'

Got it in one. I feel sorry for those that follow Hicks through this process since a precedent has now been set because of the guilty plea. But Hicks has got to look after himself first and foremost.

It's just a shame he didn't have a government willing to do it for him.

And kudos to Major Mori - the only shining light in the entire US process, a man whose career has clearly been imperilled given the sad fuck whining from the prosecutor - who is not afraid to publicly press the concept that Gitmo is fuck off fantastic (along with the CO who declared Gitmo was home "to the worst of the worst" - despite the fact nearly half those interred were quietly released), but has a sooky wah wah when the Defence attorney points out how clearly it's not.

Good luck to the rest of the inmates in dealing with this system. I just hope the pressure on the US doesn't ease off when the only white man leaves the jail.

Anyway, see the SMH article here

UPDATE - the view from GetUp as per today's Crikey

This morning came the news that David Hicks has pleaded guilty. We should not be surprised.

After the legal drama in his initial hearing today, David Hicks surely would have reflected on the fact that years after his initial plea of innocence, he was still locked in a cell 1.8m². Any normal Australian, facing a system weighted so heavily against them and broken by five years of unimaginable privation, is likely to have signed a document that would get them out of Guantanamo – regardless of their guilt or innocence.

David Hicks’ guilty plea is not justice served, nor does it necessarily reflect Hicks’ guilt – it is simply further evidence of a rank system, and Australians can smell it from afar.

Almost every eminent jurist and legal body in the country has condemned a tribunal that has more in common with a circus than justice. Australian and international jurists agree this system was designed to guarantee convictions. It should come as no surprise, then, that it has. It reflects a system that is no more than justice on the make – offending basic legal principles of independence and impartiality.

This is evidenced by the shenanigans at today’s arraignment. Hicks’ civilian lawyer was dismissed as he refused to sign a document that compromised his own ethical standards. It would also be highly unusual in any normal court for a counsel to question the presiding judge over their impartiality – as Major Mori had to, concerning Judge Kohlmann’s rulings.

This is what happens in a flawed system where the tribunal, the "jury", the chief prosecutor, the charges and the plea agreements are determined by the executive branch of government – the same Administration with so much invested in Hicks’ conviction.

The Federal Government should not think today’s guilty plea lets them off the hook. They have diminished Australia by legitimising an unfair system by allowing an Australian -- guilty or innocent -- to languish in detention for five years, only to face a severely compromised legal process.
When John Howard sifts through his mail this weekend he’ll find over 10,000 GetUp! postcards from residents of his own electorate angry at his disregard for basic Australian rights -- a sentiment they are likely to carry with them to the ballot box later this year.
The key question now is: will David Hicks be home by then and, of equal importance, under what conditions?

Monday, March 26, 2007

TrannieChat

Thewife's been off sick with a strep throat. She finds it comfortable to talk lower than normal. Trouble is she sounds like a trannie. I feel like I am talking with the other end of a low rent sex line.

Not that I am judging trannies for being trannies. Trannie away my sexually ambiguous brethren. It's just that I'd have no interest talking to you at $4.95 a minute.

Hicks count down

Well he gets the official arraignment today. Should be interesting. When we awake on the morrow we will see just how fucked on by this 'hang 'em out to dry' government he has been.

I wish him and his legal team luck.

And if he cops a plea I hope it's a better deal than that Lindh guy got.

See the SMH article here

Strategic Harm Minimisation II

This article explains how hyping the "War on Terror" is incredibly counter productive for society as a whole - as opposed to right wing cock-knuckles that run around beating the bushes for Bin Ladenites - not to mention the battle to retard politically motivated violence. It's well worth a read.

The "war on terror" has created a culture of fear in America. The Bush administration's elevation of these three words into a national mantra since the horrific events of 9/11 has had a pernicious impact on American democracy, on America's psyche and on U.S. standing in the world. Using this phrase has actually undermined our ability to effectively confront the real challenges we face from fanatics who may use terrorism against us.

Read the rest here.

WARNING: Applies logic and deductive reasoning. If you're more of a 'News Limited tells me what I need to know and it's bloviating pelvis spread types will not challenge my moronic prejudices' you're probably better off buying a Zoo mag and reading that. Do people read Zoo*? Inquiring minds want to know.

*Probably in the wank afterglow following said event but before the cleaning up afterwards.

Quote of the day (for today)

"I like to think that there is more on heaven and earth, I have had some weird things happen that logic can't explain. I am usually a very black and white person, but there's a whole lot of grey when it comes to death. I just know that if I go before I'm good and ready I will be pissed off and someone will pay."

The last line deserves a line of merchandising.

Strategic Harm Minimisation

AKA: Pointing out the obvious to capering cockheads.

You'd think my recent post expressing my unconditional sadness and revulsion at the alleged use of children in a car bombing was pretty unequivocal. But I suppose if you’re a Captain Insano you could interpret it really as a coded message along the lines of ‘Jihadists are great, and I cannot wait until the uber Caliphate the great satan Cheney mention happens – all praise Allah’.

Yeah I know, amazing. But that’s me and my logic getting in the way of things.

I think it’s because I dared to say something along the lines of ‘external factors influence people’s decision to commit murder’.

It doesn’t make it right. It does however explain why they do it. And I believe enables us to address why they do it in the first place and therefore prevent terroristic violence.

Strategic Harm Minimisation is recognising that there are fuckwits out there willing to kill to make a point. And the job of every government on the planet is to do things to ensure the number of fuckwits that are willing to do that is at a minimum. This is through a combination of law enforcement (solving the crime), intelligence (preventing it), and engagement with the community (dis-encouraging people to even consider doing it). The role of government is therefore to minimise harm from such fuckwits.

So for example if I happen to say that the current situation in Gaza is such that recruitment into violent insurrection groups, resistance groups, or plain whackos is exacerbated by the conditions in which potential recruits exist does not in any way make me condone terrorism. Only a fucking moron would think that.

Violent death of anyone is a tragedy. Some people will try and moralise it away, but it’s always wrong – though admittedly there are degrees of wrong (for example a soldier killing another soldier in war is obviously less wrong than strapping two kids into a car and use them to get past a check point then blow them up; a policeman killing a criminal to prevent another death likewise not as wrong).

We fail when people die through violence. We fail as human beings. But we fail more as human beings if we do not examine the reasons why some people choose to take that path and we fail if we do not point out stupid things people do that make things worse, and address them to prevent future occurrences. For example invading another country with no plan to garrison it properly. Or for example cramming millions into a few square miles, ensuring they have no industries or employment worth mentioning, shoot at them, steal their land and refuse to give it back, and so on and so on.

Human beings have great capacity for good and for evil. But treat a man like an animal and an animal they become.

Strategic Harm Minimisation is about looking at why people or groups act the way they do and address the circumstances by which their genesis is possible. Applying some demented ‘shoot them all and let God sort them out’ or 'get on the ground mutha fucka' is not a solution. It exacerbates the problem. As was evident in Iraq or the occupied territories in Palestine.

There will always be people willing to murder to advance their standing either as a people or for personal profit. The job of government is to reduce their numbers and to take away the motivations that lead people to think murder is the correct solution to their woes.

Prevention is always better than the cure. And prevention is part of harm minimisation – convincing those that seek to inflict harm they’re wrong to do so, and making sure there isn't a cheer squad cheering them on.

And yes, occasionally it means talking and negotiating to the communities from which those groups sprang. It means on occasion addressing the wrongs that cause some people to seek out violence as an option. Addressing the reasons why those seek to commit terror drains the pool in which guerrilla fish swim. Or insurrectionist fish. Or even little Bin Laden goldfish. It worked in Ireland, it worked in Malaysia (a combo of hearts and minds and counter insurgency), it worked in Basque Spain.

It does not make someone a terrorist lover to point out that looking at motivations of issue motivated groups can reduce community support to those groups. It makes them sensible.

But like I said, there I go with my logical based reasoning.

Killing people is always wrong. The trick it to make it so people don’t ever think it is isn’t.

By the way, this is not to say talking/addressing community concerns is the only thing that can be done. That’s bullshit. It’s carrot and the stick. The stick is law enforcement and intelligence to detect/prevent. But if it’s all stick, and no carrot it can just make it worse. The only countries in the world that fully succeeded in stick only have in the past been totalitarian states.

And there will always be a small segment of people that revel in violence or seek it out as a first response. Especially if they come from a culture where violence is celebrated, seen as heroic, if there is a high youth bubble, if there are few sustainable jobs, and if they come from a culture that is oppressed either hard or soft, or where they are treated as second class citizens. We see it in PNG, we see it in East Timor, we see it in Wadeye, we see it in Palestine, we see it in much of Africa. We see it in the Middle East.

However if we as a world can address some of those issues, it means less dickheads taking up arms or strapping children to bombs and driving them past a checkpoint to blow people up.

And only a fucking moron would think otherwise.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

'It was state issues!' ... not

Mr Iemma said his election win shows industrial relations will be a key issue in the coming federal election.

"In this election there was a stark choice between a Labor government, the last line of defence, that we'll stand up to John Howard on industrial relations, and Mr Debnam who would let him come in, hand over the industrial relations powers to Canberra," he told the Seven Network.

"There is a clear message to Canberra and they will ignore it at their peril."

But Mr Howard rejected the claims and said he believed the election was fought on state issues and was not influenced by industrial relations.

From the SMH here

In a word, bullshit. It was not on state issues. It was on federal issues. The reason being that no offence to my ALP brothers in NSW they have made a lot of mistakes. Fuck me they left 10,000 commuters on a fucking train less than a week ago for the best part of a night. Toll woes, timetable woes, all of that business. Death knell stuff for state parties. If you can't get services right then the punters boot you. Yes the state ALP had a comfie buffer but fact is they lost *2* seats out of 55. Two seats. One, two.

If, if the state ALP was so on the nose - and it is - then why didn't they get creamed. Well it helps having Captain Dick Sticker out and about. No offense to Debbie, charisma he don't have. Actually that's prob wrong. He prob is a nice person and speaks well. But the media hate him so bad luck Debbie. They also said a lot about 'let's fix NSW' but not much said on how. Their policies were blown out the back door with 10 billion needed Vs 1/3 of that for the ALP.

But by and large it was Industrial relations. The people can't punish Howard yet but they are waiting to. And Debbie is in the way. He's like an innocent bystander in a postal massacre where the hated boss (Howard) has run to his office and the assistant sub manager who never did anyone any harm just happened to step in front of the gun.

Howard did not take his hated fucked up fuck people in the arse laws to the people. Not one mention during the 2004 election was made of the severe changes he made that allowed bosses to sack people unfairly and pressure them into fucked up no penalty rate contracts.

And we will have our say and it will be good.

Friday, March 23, 2007

No! Don't make us confront reality!

THE powerful Sydney Anglican diocese has intervened in the state election campaign, suggesting a vote for the Greens could force schools and religious organisations to employ gays and lesbian teachers in contradiction of their Christian ethics.

See SMH here.

No!!! That's terrible (flops hand). We don't want that (holds hands to face in suggestively gay manner). The church should not be forced to become home to men who like to wear dresses and live with other men and not take a partner of the opposite sex and use candles and incense and ... and ... oh*.

"Out, out damn gay!"













*Obviously this is more applicable to Catholocism but hey they're just as homophobic - ironic considering just how homoerotic the priestly lifestyle is.

Mr Gore goes to Washington

Mr Gore was clearly on top of his subject. When one Republican suggested that the science on global warming was "uneven and evolving", and that the measures for curbing carbon emissions advocated in Mr Gore's award-winning film An Inconvenient Truth "provide little benefit at huge cost", Mr Gore paused and looked puzzled. He could not understand how anyone could still hold such views.

"The planet has a fever," he said. You could hear murmurs of support from the crowded room. "If your baby has a fever, you go to the doctor. If the doctor says 'You have to intervene here', you don't say, 'well I read a science fiction novel that says it isn't important'."

Burn...

See the SMH article here.

By Science Fiction I assume he's referring to Michael Crichton's State of Fear which I believe is the central plank of Andrew Bolt's belief that Global Warming is Voodoo science. Actually I think it's the central plank of most of Bolt's beliefs since the topics/themes of Crichton books seem to mirror Nuts'N'Gum's views on many issues.

Gun toting I can understand, but the choice of vehicle?!

A gang of gun-toting teens in a Volvo were allegedly carrying a shotgun, a samurai sword and a dagger while terrorising motorists on a freeway in Sydney's south, police say. (See SMH article here)

A volvo? Not exactly the gang bangers' vehicle of choice? You never see a low riding Volvo with doosh doosh music coming out of it? What were they playing ABBA? Were they wearing the spangly moonboots? Inquiring minds want to know.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Jones is a Parrot! Jones is a Parrot!

Turner and Crofts also analysed the way Jones used rhetorical devices, such as repetition of key emotive phrases, in ways normally associated with advertising or propaganda.

They found that where Neil Mitchell's program was driven by a journalistic news agenda, the Jones program, with its "highly organised forms of repetition and multiple topic strands running across the day's show and beyond, evokes the braided plot structure - and even the melodrama - of soap opera".

The two researchers saw this exemplified in Jones' role in the Cronulla riots at the end of 2005, which was criticised by police and on ABC's Media Watch for potentially inflaming an already tense situation.

Turner and Crofts found Jones' comments about the unrest at Cronulla between youths of Lebanese descent and the so called `bra boys' (from Maroubra) were invoked like a mantra so often that callers to his program began repeating them back to him.

See the Age article here

Does Fredster's amended image remind you of anything?

Uh oh for the Fredster

He's right (mostly)

Howard spent the 4th anniversary of his mouth to anus like backing of Bush in Iraq talking about how timetables were dumb and that we shouldn't leave until the country can function.

Well, at the risk of having my leftie creds yanked, he's mostly right.

This does not in anyway excuse the monstrous fuckup up until this date. There would not be a problem at all if A) the invasion (which at the time I supported on WMD grounds and hell even regime change) had not occured or B) if it had, it had been properly planned as far as governance went.

What the Bush administration has done in Iraq is monstrous. They were always going to be able to wipe the floor with the Iraqi military. But garrisoning successfully in partnership as opposed to 19 year old fuckheads with no policing training kicking in doors and pointing guns at women in children was always the biggest challenge. Far bigger than the invasion. And the only place where US forces largely had succeeded was in the place where the current garrison commander was assigned at the start of the war. And his sensible approach was laughed out of the room by Donald "Standing Desk" Rumsfeld who had this incredible notion that it was not needed.

Unfortunately for everyone, the looting that occured in the aftermath (remember Cheney/Rummy saying it was the price of fucking freedom?) of the invasion meant vast stocks of money and munitions was stolen and socked away. It now reappears in the form of wages for sacked army types turned insurgents and IEDs blowing away hummers.

In short the fuck up is laid at the foot of Bush and co (and us, by extension because we - and we have experience at successful counter insurgency didn't do our part and point out what they were doing was fucked up. This happened in Vietnam as well).

Americans cannot do counter insurgency well because they rely on high end kit to do the talking for them, as opposed to well trained light infantry who are taught to talk first, not point guns and shoot, and most importantly know how to get the local hierachy onside.

Anyway, it's a massive fuckup. But unfortunately right wing cockholes - who got us into this mess - are right in the sense of 'well, it's broke now, what do we do?'

Well, the surge is good. And more of it needs to happen. And if it does not work then Iraq needs to be split into the cultural/tribal regions they were before the UK elected to create an artificial country and put the Sunni minority in charge as per following standard colonial occupier techniques.

Like or not we killed the country. And we have to put it right. It's not the same as Vietnam, where a nationalistic well trained communist group was coming in to take unified control. Leaving will cause widespread chaos that will make Somalia look like a walk in the park. Not to mention it is home to trillions of dollars in oil that us greedy fuckers in the west need.

The yanks are not going anywhere soon. And if they stay they have to be doing it properly. The surge is a good start. They need more of that. And, like I said, if that doesn't work then they should consider partition. Because while voluntary ethnic relocation is a horrible thing to have to endure, at the end of the day it will save lives. Leaving Iraq as is now will be leaving millions to potentially die.

And if the US and Iraq do manage to get a lid on it, maybe the two million professional iraqis that are needed to run the country - the doctors, dentists, lawyers, teachers, scientists, technicians - will come back.

It's a complete pile of shit. Shit caused by conservative fuckwads who had no proper plans to govern. But that don't make the shit stink less and walking away from it will make it stink more.

Anyway my 0.02.

Unbelievable

Killing people is wrong. It's always wrong. Sure the morality can be hazy, but at the end of the day violent death of another human is a tragedy.

Some are more tragic than others. Like mofos allegedly using children to get past checkpoints then blowing the cars up ... with the children still in it.

I know human beings can do insane things. Put anyone in a situation and alter their environment enough they will see killing others as a rational act. Even a good act. For some - a holy act.

But I don't think there's an ideology or religion in the world apart from those big on human sacrifice and blood stained altars, that would ever, ever consider the use of children as living bombs as acceptable.

Holy fucking shit. Now they're using fucking children. If that doesn't just eat at your guts I don't know what will.

This isn't an Islam thing. This isn't even an us (Sunni/Shiia) and them (Shiia/Sunni) thing. This is just evil. How did it come to this?

Go Barners - Boo Family First

Well Barners stood up against TheMan, despite being in the party that is the toadying suckboy to TheMan. And well done. He voted with the Dems et al to condem the military commisions as a justice joke.

But ... Family First said no (cough). This despite, as the SMH notes, Fielding saying 'He should be on Australian soil, he should be here just like the UK has brought their people back to the UK to be tried.' in June last year.

You see Fielding loves families. He puts families first. But not families of people who have been railroaded by the "War on Terror" fuckmachine that is driven by the twin engine drivers of Bush and Howard.

Nice one Fielding. Let's see you fucking blog this one.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Daily Show Goodness

I don't know how to link to the current vids [it's titled the Unforgettable Fired], but it's on the intro screen on today's excerpt (see Daily Show link in blogroll - it should start automatically).

Anyway, this made me piss myself laughing.

... A flat out denial from Gonzales (RE firing Attorneys for base political purpose). You know in the good old days that would have been the end of the story. The Republican Congress would have said ‘Huh? What? You Didn’t? Okay’ and gone back to say building bridges in Alaska to save Terry Schiavo from gay flag burners.

Won't someone please think of Santo Santoro?!

Ah Alexander "Lovejoy" Downer. Quick to priss on the behalf of fallen mates. As evidenced in the SMH with his damning Labor for still putting the boot into Mr 'Scores and Scores of forgotten transactions' even though he has now resigned completely from the Senate. According to Prissy, we should now leave him alone.

"I mean he has resigned. What more can he do," Mr Downer told ABC Radio.

"Does the Labor Party want him to go out and do something even worse. Leave him alone now. He has resigned. Think about him as a human being.

"I think it is about time there is a bit more of that from the Labor Party. Santo Santoro is a human being. Does he have to be whipped and chastised more and more and more? He has resigned and I think the Labor Party should now start talking about something of substance."

See the SMH article here.

The Liberal party muck machine goes into overdrive to slag off former ALP figures, deals made, or things the ALP did over 10 years ago when they were in government. Richardson this, Keating that, Evans this, and so on and so on and so on.

And yet when the ALP points out just how nakedly hypocritical they are, prissy has a wah wah. How I remember his 'I always thought Kelvin Thompson was a grubby sort of character' for the mistake Thompson made in generating a referee support statement for someone he'd never met (who turned out to be a drug king pin). Downer went off, champing at the bit to point out darkly that the ALP make 'huge errors of judgment'. Thompson having resigned two days before Downer went at him.

But you see, it's different. Because ... prissy said said so.

I'd like to see him in one of those old time 19th century sailor suits the rich kids wore. Maybe he could turn up to one of the APECs in it and do karoke?

"On the good ship, lollypop..."

The dilema of hard core orthodox theists

Almost every organised religion has issue with gays in the design of things. Abrahamic faiths across the board don't like it. Even Dharmic ones glower at it - as noted in a previous post RE Life Holes.

But as this washpost article notes, the more science reveals how biologically the drive for homosexuality can be genetic, the more faiths will struggle to incorporate this revelation into their beliefs. Much like some had to incorporate the concept that the world is a probably touch over the 8,000 year mark (and yea do Uth they struggle with that!)

Excellent quote from the piece as follows;

...Mohler's conundrum: how to reconcile a God who creates homosexuals with a God who condemns practicing homosexuals to hell? A mysterious God may be well and good, but a capricious or contradictory God can inspire so much doubt that He threatens the credibility of the entire religious enterprise.

Anyway, worth a read. Excellent piece. You may need to register to access it (free - takes some moments to set up).

Shaken Seating Syndrome

This morning I called in semi-sick to work. Semi-sick means 'I'll be in at lunchtime', due to a rough night with the old guts.

My work alllows me to send it by email. Which is kewl.

In a fair chunk of pain, tired from crap sleep, and basically rather annoyed, theWife, who is also sick, happened to remark the email I sent my supervisor didn't make it.

Where upon I felt the need to wail/gnash teeth. I grabbed the back of my Dr Evil chair and shook it violently all the while yelling 'rrrwwwaaawwrrrggghhhhhhh'.

Felt bad for it. I have a quick temper. And for some reason IT related fuck ups - wether me caused or the gear I am using - makes me crack the shits big time.

I feel especially bad that I took it out on the chair.

Poor chair.

(pats it lovingly).

Let's hope the Battered Furniture Foundation doesn't hear about it. Burly swedes in wife beaters with allen key shaped batons might come to take me away for re-education.

'Who is the big man now, fatso?' (poke, poke). 'Quick Sven, let's insert our key into him and see if he enjoys it.'

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Aw ... look at the widdle Oz trying to pretend it isn't the publishing arm of the Liberal party

In reluctantly endorsing a return of the Howard Government at the last election, The Australian expressed disappointment at what we said had been a grubby, greedy election campaign waged by both parties. Under pressure, the Government had set a strategy of bribing its way back into office with $60 billion in giveaways that failed to address the great economic challenges of improving workforce participation and boosting productivity. For its part, Labor had put forward a flawed leader and a backward-looking agenda. The record shows that far from being too close to the Howard Government, as our detractors would argue, this newspaper has in fact been a fierce critic. Instead of criticising from the soft Left perspective on issues such as the treatment of asylum-seekers or accused terrorists, we have attacked the Howard Government for its lack of credibility on economic management. We have adopted a rationalist position, criticising the Government for giving too much money to special interest groups in the quest for electoral advantage at the expense of good policy. Against the reforms of the Hawke and Keating years, the Howard Government can be justly accused of being weak on economic reform. This said, we support the Government's introduction of a GST - something Mr Keating was unable to achieve - despite its benefits having been largely squandered by the Labor state governments. And we support the Government's higher education reforms, the freeing up of the waterfront from its unionised straitjacket and the more flexible workplace it has championed. But for a government that argues its strongest virtue is economic management, the real economic achievements of the past 11 years are slim pickings.


Yep, they sure were reluctant. And they're right in the sense they do attack Howard - from the right - in the sense of having articles whose theme is 'bloated fat cats need more money; LESS TAX FOR THE RICH'.

Ah the Oz. You amuse me so. See the editorial here

Oh I particularly also like Dennis "I heart the Liberal party" Shannahan attempting to explain the polls in such as way that it's a positive for the Liberal party.

He's a good completely objective egg.

Freaky kid seen near Sundown Motel Resort

The child, about nineish, was seen near the Sundown Motel Resort in Canberra, watching the building intently, before leaving to hang out in a graveyard.

'His freaky orange/red hair and thick Child Molester glasses put the wind up me,' admitted the owner, whose motel endured an unsuccessful exorcism recently.

'It was almost as if he was waiting for someone, or something, to turn up and "claim him",' he added.

The motel owner said he later spotted a fucked in the head bald racist sometime newspaper columnist ex crocodile farming PNG parliament former advisor to some bigoted Ipswich bint wandering around the car park who he told to 'piss off'. The bald former 'advisor' said he was going to bally paint a terrifically mean picture then write about how the motel owner was in league with Arabs.

The bald man was later seen to pick up the child, check him for birthmarks, then drive the child down south to be 'raised to inherit the earth and bring it unto fire and yea angels shall fall before him and woe be to those that stand against him.'

They later stopped for McDonalds where the child enjoyed melting happy meal toys of the other differently hued children, much to the beaming delight of his hairless mentor.

Ah the Libs, so humorous


Lt. Irv Lansing: Hey Sarge, it's tingling!

Sgt. Wes Luger: Good! That means it's working

From Loaded Weapon

Today on the drive home I happened to hear some lame arsed Lib no name senator wanking on about how Labor were mean and horrid when they were in government - over 10 years ago - and how they didn't have a ministerial code of conduct. And how Keating had a piggery (yep, that again, 13 years on). And anyway, the Santoros resignation showed that the Code was working.

Yep, that it was working. No mention of the nearly nine year hiatus of it not working - or rather chosen by them not to be enforced at all up until the Ian 'sorry you're in the way mate' Campbell took one for the team and walked away. Of course Santoros had such a massive breech of the code it was hard for them not to ignore it. But how we all remember when their much vauted 'code which the ALP refused to bring in when they were in government' was not implemented. Peter "Phone Card / Children Overboard" Reith. Warrick Parer (not a hanging offence to have two million shares in the portfolio you're fucking running). AWB, etc, etc, etc.

Yep, it's not the anti dandruff shampoo that's making this work this time. It's the election year and Howard all of a sudden has found accountibility is big in the polls. Good, it's about fucking time.

Monday, March 19, 2007

More open mouth face slap mcclure goodness

The war in Iraq has only made the world a more dangerous place, writes Paul McGeough in Islamabad.

IT IS more the war of error than a war on terror.

See the SMH article here.

Exorcism fails to banish malign presence

Canberra; An exorcism staffed by leading faiths including Anglican, Catholic, Judaism, Islam, Pentecostal Baptist, and Wicca, failed to drive out a lurking ominous presence from a local motel according to sources.

‘Great evil happened here,’ said Father Shamus O’Toole. ‘Great evil that was two, that became one.’

Motel management said the fell manifestation of evil had been present ever since around the mid to late 90’s, coinciding with the first term of the Liberal government.

‘We’re not sure what happened exactly,’ said the motel owner who asked not to be named. ‘Only that anyone within the room feels a … presence … of evil. And whispered broken voiced strine going on about Aboriginal benefits and being swamped by Alsatians – or something like that.’

The gathered theologians huddled for an inter-faith dialogue on the outside stair that lead to the room and decided that likely what occurred was two evil presences conducted an unholy rite that was a blasphemy on the very earth, and that from that rite came the possibility of a greater evil.

‘Oh … should their congruence bear fruit then seek a boy child … born …. of evil …’ said Wicca rep Willow Earthroot, eyes rolling into the back of her head. ‘Yeah ye shall know him from his red hair, tortured voice, and poor eyesight.’

The theologians said birth records from the era around nine months after the date of the first mannifestation should be scoured, in case the rite did produce an unholy spawn.

As for the presence, unfortunately the theologians said there was nothing that could shift it.

‘The presence feeds off the consciousness of those around it. It feeds off fear, off difference. The cultural environment of Australia is such that as long as those who make it their business to use fear for their own ends, these malign presences will continue to pop up in all sorts of places.’

The theologians were then taken to the Channel 7 studios to assist with a similar manifestation at the stage where Dancing With the Stars is filmed. Darryl Sommers was then seen hastily throwing in several colourful jumpers into a case and running out a side door just in case they were coming for him.

See SMH story here

PM Fart Gag Goes Wrong

Prime Minister John Howard had a gag go horribly wrong, when his planned amusing display in a Hercules transport aircraft triggered smoke alarms and forced the crew and passengers to don masks.

‘I’d been building up quite the volume of gas ever since that dodgy chicken tikka MRE we had at Camp Freedom and decided I’d let her rip for the joy of the air crew,’ said the guilty PM. ‘Only I went the lighter and it kind of backfired.’

Not backfired in the internal rectal sense but rather when the PM lifted his legs up and manuevered the lighter just below his rectum and let fly, the ignited gas unfortunately shorted out an opposing panel causing the plastic wiring to melt. This in turn triggered the smoke detection sensors, forcing the occupants into masks.

‘I am just so terribly embarrassed,’ said the PM. ‘Aussie troops have been joshing and joking ever since they skull fucked a dead turk at Lone Pine. So naturally I thought they’d think this was a rip snorter. Unfortunately once I ripped, it shorted wiring instead.’

The plane was forced to make an emergency landing, leading the SAS troopers on board to carry the Prime Minister out the rear and into the safety of the desert. Unfortunately for the PM, his legs were still locked in Y mode from the fart lighting due to a tricky hip issue that has recently bedevilled the walk obsessed dear leader, forcing the troopers to carry him out with legs still raised.

‘They placed me on the ground, with my legs awkwardly arranged,’ said the PM. ‘I’m just glad there were no naked flames cause the rest of the tikka gas came out thanks to the jostling I’d received. And if I’d passed blue flame there’s a good chance I would have pinwheeled around the southern deserts of iraq, my buttock escapees clearly giving away our position like some kind of rectally discharged illumination flare.’

For the SMH story see here

Spruiker’s pitch undermined by open button revealing Connery esq thatch of chest hair

Kerrie-Anne’s morning show; Kerrie-Anne’s offsider, an unnamed gentlemen, today completely undermined his sycophantic sucking up to a ‘special guest’ pitching a product no one ever needs, or at least if they do need it, not from them, by having the top button of his shirt done.

‘I couldn’t take my eyes of it,’ said Harrangueman, who happened to see the debacle on the TV near his PC when he came in to check the internet. ‘And, to top it off, nestled in the downy mass was a thin gold chain which I can only presume ended in some sort of 70’s style sex symbol of an upward thrusting arrow.’

Harrangueman watched as the gentleman presenter gently ‘teased out’ details of the incredible must have package of some shit, all the while his sight line was drawn to the upside down triangle of chest hair rustling in the slight breeze within the studio.

‘You know, their “conversation” would seem more like a normal “conversation” if the opposing spruiker, a plastic surgery enhanced product pitcher, actually looked at the gentleman spruiker she was allegedly talking to instead of right down the barrel of the camera,’ added HM, but noting that perhaps the reason she didn’t was the dude’s ample hairage put her off.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Goatee No Mo


I want this term to enter the book of updated words/phrases. Because it's far easier than saying 'a goatee without a moustache' and does not require the cultural awareness of 'Almish beard'.

Maybe Google will pick this up?

Here's hoping.

Anyway

Goatee No Mo
Goatee-no-mo
Goatee No Mo
Goatee-no-mo
Goatee No Mo
Goatee-no-mo
Goatee No Mo
Goatee-no-mo
Goatee No Mo
Goatee-no-mo

And so forth. Let's hope it picks it up.

Hey is there an official term for the goatee no mo? Let me know, if so.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

1001 Posts; So HM which is your fave?

Well there are so, so many posts, so it's hard to choose.

But, for me, this is probably my favourite.

Are you The Man? The Quiz

Do you wear a uniform in your daily occupation?

=1 if yes, 0 if no

Do you work for the government?

=1 if yes, 0 if no

Are you a member of a right wing political movement?

=1 if yes, 0 if no

Are you a member of a left wing political movement?

=0 if yes, 1 if no

Do you vote Conservative?

=1 if yes, 0 if no

Do you vote for Socialist minded parties?

=0 if yes, 1 if no

Are you a fan of Alternate Rock ?

=0 if yes, 1 if no

Do swear words form part of your everyday vocabulary?

=0 if yes, 1 if no

Are you in an upper income tax bracket?

=1 if yes, 0 if no

Have you ever been a member of a right wing youth movement (eg Scouts, Young Liberals etc)?

=1 if yes, 0 if no

Do you oppose homosexuality?

=1 if yes, 0 if no

Are you a member of a conservative religion?

=1 if yes, 0 if no

Have you ever bought a Green Left Weekly or the Big Issue?

=0 if yes, 1 if no

Have you ever smoked an illegal substance?

=0 if yes, 1 if no

Do you like to walk around naked?

=0 if yes, 1 if no

Do you like hippies?

=0 if yes, 1 if no

Have you ever been to an Alternate Rock Festival?

=0 if yes, 1 if no

Have you ever been to a right wing political rally?

=1 if yes, 0 if no

Do you like Michael Moore?

=0 if yes, 1 if no

Do you like Bob Brown (leader of the Greens)?

=0 if yes, 1 if no

Do you like John Howard?

=1 if yes, 0 if no

Do you like George Bush?

=1 if yes, 0 if no

Do you like American Wrestling?

=1 if yes, 0 if no

Did you study History at uni?

=0 if yes, 1 if no

Have you ever bought the Sydney Star Observor?

=0 if yes, 1 if no

Have you ever yelled at the TV when a Conservative politican was on?

=0 if yes, 1 if no

Do you own a four wheel drive that you use primarially for in town transport?

=1 if yes, 0 if no

Do you know what your Porn Star name is?

=0 if yes, 1 if no

Have you ever seen a film by Michael Moore and agreed largely with the sentiments expressed there in?

=0 if yes, 1 if no

Did you drive a ute at uni and/or play Rugby?

=1 if yes, 0 if no


I mocked this up in excel but alas have no idea how to set up those them thar fancy quizzes you see on the internets.

AnYway, scoring.

21+; You are the man and will be first up against the wall when the revolution comes
11-20; While you are not the man, you like the man and as such are not to be trusted
10-; You are not the man and despise what the man stands for

Of course these questions are completely unscientific and are merely pulled out of my arse. If you're curious, my score was 2.

Anyway, thanks to Ms Sparx for the kind words reminding us, that as far as many of us grounded in reality types go, we are not the man.