Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Hilarious X-Ray of Ool’aaxa emailed to crew


Subtechnician Ool’aaxa, whose recent accident involving an anal probe caused much mirth within the intergalactic crew of bottom researchers, has had his misery compounded by the X-ray of the offending probe lodged in the alien emailed to the rest of the crew, with subject line listed as 'But how did he swallow that?!'

'OOOLLLLOOOOLLLLLOOOOLL,' said the technician sadly when he came across a copy of the emailed picture stuck up on his hexagonal personal items location pod.


The technician said he should not be held responsible and in reality the real culprit was who ever left that probe on the seating unit where 'anyone, or anything, could have sat on it.'

Al Gore is nothing but a big fatty fatty fat fat so his arguments on global pollution are bunk

Tired of everyone pointing out how almost all conservative think tanks that comment on global climate issues are in the pay of polluting companies, one has struck back after they got a hold of Al Gore's electricity bill*.

Yes, it turns out the Gorester, who is a wealthy person, has a 20 room house and consequently his electricity bill is larger than the average by several factors.

Given the size of the place it's understandible.

Anyway, check out the SMH story here

The end result is that conservatives have won. I'm sorry people, pack up your hessian bags, put away the bong, take down the picture of the marine wildlife stuck in the six pack ring. Because Al Gore's electricity bill is large on account of his large house absolutely everything he has ever said ever is a big pack o shit. Everything. Hell, is that even his name?

I mean just because unlike other wealthy people he has put his money where his mouth is and negated his carbon footprint by investing in renewable energy and other environmental issues and given the same lecture over 1000 times gratis in an effort to make people aware that 'more people + more energy that is fossil fuel dependent = environmental problems' is no defence.

You know what it reminds me of? When greenies use planes. I mean how the fuck do they dare get on a plane when they know what it will do to the environment. Also, how do they clean those hair shirts every greenie on the planet has to wear if they discuss the environment?

Anyway, Al Gore, you're a fatty fatty fat fat for having a large house, being wealthy, yet daring to open your flapper about how macro pollution and government inaction is destroying the planet. For shame.

*BTW, isn't that an invasion of privacy? Stealing a man's electricity bill?

Where Tony Abbott has a sooky wook

Tony Abbott, former journo and editorial writer for the Oz (explains a lot), now health minister and hard man of the house and all round super Catholic, was having a bit of a sook in the SMH today about NSW ALP. In Tony's mind, the ALP shouldn't get back in and he can't seem to work out why his State Lib friends are not polling well.

See here

Well Tonster, I will tell you. Because NSW Liberals suck a horse's anus. They're also to the right of even the most stalwart righties such as yourself. Your NSW Libs are essentially unattractive pricks - people like David 'Can't you SEE YOU SLANT EYE' Clarke. So named for the thrust of his charming abuse he gave to an Australian who just happens to be Asian in background in a traffic bingle.

That Tony and the people are tad miffed with the Federal Liberal party - the only Liberal party in power - on account of its bastard actions in the past few years.

Remember Hicks? These are all things people will punish the Libs for - even though the state Libs had nothing to do with it.

Remember how you took Work Choices to the last election and laid out how you were going to screw working families over?

That's right - you didn't. Hence the backlash. Tony, you often think it's all about you. You're half right. Its A) the suckfulness of the state Liberal party and B) the sheer bastardry of your government.

So suck shit you insufferable egotistical wanker.

Casualty Follies

Last evening when coming back from Pan's Labyrinth (awesome) I got a little worried about some chest pain and arm pain and we went to casualty. Just in case. To be safe.

I got to go into the smaller waiting room pretty quick and eventually got to meet a resident. She said it was likely muscular pain as opposed to the old ticker. I got some aspirin and got sent home. I feel fine by the way and I am just sorry I wasted people's time. But, as a nurse friend of mine says, it's not a waste of time if it actually turns out to be something.

Anyway, we were leaving, and I mused about the resident's exotic accent.

'I think she was Russian,' I said.

'Nah,' said theWife. 'She didn't look like she was in a hurry.'

'Huh?'

'She wasn't Russian.'

I laughed and laughed and laughed. Go theWife.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Subtechnician Ool’aaxa sits on probe after use of the hydrating unit

Subtechnician Ool’aaxa, third grade, inadvertently sat on a probe used on a human subject less than two hours before after it was mistakenly left on a seating pod in the cleaning chamber.

Left: Subtechnician Ool’aaxa in happier times.

‘OOOLOOOLLLLOOOLLLOOOOOLLLOOOOOLL,’ flapped the gills of the technician, known for his skilful manipulation of the anal probe when used on the ape descended creatures of Sol three. ‘OOOLLLLLLOOOOLLLLLOOOOLL.’


The technician had been absorbing water into his third skin layer when he claimed he stepped from the hydrating unit only to sit on the probe, which lodged firmly in one of the alien’s many orifices.

‘OOLLLOOOOOOOLLLLOOOOOOOLLLOOO,’ had cried the technician, screaming for help who was then taken to an examination table and strapped down, the tables only ever previously used for subjects whose vitals and meal data were recorded by the anal probe technology.

Medical technicians emitted a high pitched hooting as they revelled in Ool’aaxa’s discomfort and whispered via telepathy their theories that Ool’aaxa’s accident was no accident.

‘OOOOLLLLOOOOLLLLOOOOO,’ sniggered Looaalllx to Alllooollx, suggesting that Ool’aaxa’s probing was likely self-induced, especially given the crude ape creature contraceptive that had been rolled over the tip.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Downwind

Yes, more fart talk.

Don't you hate it when you walk along and you fart and as it bellows out your bottom, because you're walking downwind, the smell comes with you.

I really hate that.

And I hate those corridor farts where you're walking along and little bits poot out with each swing of your buttock as you purr along so you end up going 'poot-poot-poot-poot-poot-poot' etc.

Go Maxine, Go!

Maxine McKew is going to take the battle to Howard right in the heart (and I use that metaphorically) of his electorate of Bennelong. The former ABC journo stands a reasonable chance given she needs a swing of 4% now redistribution occured in the electorate borders to bring in likely Labor leaning areas.

All I can say is WOO HOO!

Righties will naturally be lining up to wank on about the fact McKew worked for the ABC means its nothing more than a pinko commo lesbo socialist factory (indeed, have done since she went to work for Rudd). But the idea of the most unpleasant man in Federal politics being arsed by McKew - who from I can tell is a passionate, intelligent, articulate woman who in her former days traded barbs with the weasely little rodent, is just delish.

Even if, even if the Libs got back in this year and Howard didn't it would still be a win win for the political landscape.

Alas with a Good News item comes a Crap News item. Hanson, that broken voiced be-atch from South Queensland that represents the basic negativity of the white race, is standing for the Senate as an independent. And I'm guessing she stands a good chance of getting in. Perhaps. But when Howard appropriated almost all her policies it kind of took the wind out of her sails. But if she succeed the greatest tragedy of all would be if she got balance of power too.

(Shudders visibly)

But what does it mean?

Today at lunch the delightful Cassmalo accidentially spilled the delish components of her Caesar salad (not once, twice!) due to the crap bowl like nature of the containers they came in.

A sharp eyed big fuck off black bird greedily honked a crouton and flew to a wall to eat it while it watched us, and the half egg beneath our table. It was kind of creepy.

Then as we walked back to our building Cassmalo smelled burning. We looked around and saw that an ashtray bolted to a lamppost was on fire. Well smoking badly.

It felt like a Nostradamus slash Revelations moment. Sure it's not up there with 'look twin towers were mentioned' or the sword tongued Angel of the chapter most famous for the numbers 6,6 and 6, but it weirded me out.

Cheney Plane In Trouble

There was a news report on tonight that Cheney's plane had trouble and had to be checked out in Singers (a country whose governance make's Cheney's homegrown despotism look positively democratic).

And I have to admit part of me thought wouldn't it have been great if it had crashed.

If only...

That is a horrible thing to wish. Violent premature death, even for Cheney, is to always be grieved. I feel lesser for feeling that way. Let alone the deaths of those onboard who were just doing their job by flying on that plane too.


So bad Mikey (smacks hand).

Mind you, if he'd had a heart attack and couldn't have been revived, then I would for one not have been that sad.

What would have been really humorous would have been if a bunch of Singaporean lawyers had mistaken him for a bird and blown him away.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Square Eyes

Saw Little Miss Sunshine. Loved it. No spoilers but the end rawks.

Saw Walk the Line. Been singing Johnny Cash all afternoon. Loved it.

Watching Just Cause now instead of going to bed. Pretty good. Seen it before.

Been watching Space Above and Beyond as our 'Awesome TV from the past' watching bonanza. Still mad at Fox for cancelling it. Then, just when you think they couldn't fuck up another programming decision, they later cancelled Futurama and Firefly.

Watched Ultimate Force. The @&^)$@$ ending was missing. Still hilarious with it's dodgy operational sillyness and character story arcs you could drive a soft skinned Humvee through.


Saturday, February 24, 2007

Take on Me

'People are a little shy about doing the do-do-do-doot-doots at the beginning, but I love them. And I love the do-do-do-doot-doots in the middle too.'

-theWife

Not a good look when nearly naked

Men wearing nothing but socks.

Doesn't matter what kind of sock, or what kind of bod. It could be the spangliest pair of socks in the world that have been bedazzled into a pair Jesus would wear, or you could be a steroid induced buffed fireman in a pair of fire engine reddies, it would still not be a good look.


I bet the Chippendales or Manpower don't have socks in their act. Ladies who have been to all male revues please correct if wrong.

How you know you irked the GM

WARNING: Nerd chat

When your PC named Quock who is a ghostly kender dances around saying "I can't be hurt" and flies through other PCs and the GM gives another PC a sword named 'Quock's Bane' which can magically damage ghost kenders.

How to irk the GM further

When you point out that since he made all the player characters undead, and one them is a lich, the lich's negative damage attack can technically be used to heal all the other player characters given enough time causing him to say 'er ... it's a different kind of negative damage that doesn't heal undead'*.

*And he was right to do it since we would have taken full advantage and started almost every encounter fully healed.

Quotes from the table

'It’s okay. I don’t think you were within the parabolic arc of my burp fleckage.'

Friday, February 23, 2007

Military Industrial Tiddalik tells tiny frog off for sending mixed messages

Lawyer cleansing dead eye US Vice President Dick Cheney today complained about China’s military expansion, saying their force modernisation was troubling for the rest of the world.
Dick Cheney, whose administration spends more money each year on their “Defense” than every other country on the planet combined, claimed that the Chinese daring to bring their Cold War era military into the modern info-war centric age was troubling to the US because it represented a potential challenge to the greatest military power in the history of the universe.

The US, bloated like the frog of dreamtime who drank all the water in the world, has a GDP military spending of 3.7% compared to China’s estimated 2.3-2.8%., with an economy many times that of China's.

‘What we have here is a country that does not like the fact the US can smack down any single country on the planet several times over with conventional forces or could use any number of our 12,000 nuclear warheads to turn them to slag,’ complained the VP. ‘And as such this “attitude” represents a threat to us.’

Mr Cheney said China’s use of a missile to shoot down a satellite was a worrying development for the rest of the world and encouraged proliferation of weapons.

Left: VP with massive fucking log in eye talks about Chinese speck in similiar location

‘We invested 20 billion in an anti-missile ballistic shield that could defeat any launch by a rogue state, or say a country with just 20 single warhead ICBM’s like China, which encouraged many countries (like China) to proliferate as a defence against just such a shield. Now with their ching-chong anti-sat weapons this money could potentially be an even bigger waste of tax-payer money, not to mention encourage the weaponisation of space... further.... by people who aren't us.'


Mr Cheney said it didn’t matter how much the US spent, or how many weapons systems it had more than the rest of earth, it was never enough and if he had his way he would personally ride a bomb down to blow up any enemies of freedom if that’s what it took. Except of course should such an opportunity present itself to serve his country in a military manner like that, he undoubtedly would have other priorities.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

He was so gentle I didn't even feel his hand slide up! - Downer

Turns out Alexander "Bunyip" Downer, aka Lord Haw Haw of Baghdad, paid Chris 'Celibate' Pearson to write speeches for him. Partisan speeches. So partisan his department wouldn't pay for one of them.

Aw.

Chris Pearson is a former Howard staffer who find a purpose later in life as a righty right winger in that bastion of right wingerness News Limited as one of their shock jocks who are unashamedly partisan in their politics. I esp love how News Ltd people are allowed to wear their Righty McRight arm bands clearly and proudly but anyone else who dares reveal any form of personal ideology on the left is slammed a mealy mouthed apologist for communism - such as anyone who works in Government broadcasting that wasn't politically appointed.

So Downer gave him a wedge o cash to write up some tasty business that put the boot into the opposition, using my money to do so. Correction, his department said no on that one. But I can just imagine all the others Pearson wrote for Downer - complete with total lack of disclosure by Pearson for doing so.

Arse hats the pair of them.

BTW Larry, that graphic took all my Word graphic skills to create. I nearly looked for some freeware graphics software to do it. Naturally it of course looks like shit. Which suits the total utter arse hat it represents.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Blasts from the Past wow Dancing with the Stars Audience

Dancing with the Stars, the Channel 7 show designed around fading and faded C listers from the Seven stable, has taken a shock new route in an effort to win ratings in the form of surprise dance partners for their selected celebs. Surprise partners who were big figures in the celeb’s lives from the recent and not so recent past.

‘We’ve shamelessly lifted elements of This Is Your Life,’ said an unnamed producer, adding that legally they had not lifted any elements whatsoever.

‘People love to see the little people that the big people stand on. Presumably their shoulders. Those that were in fact the wind beneath their wings.’

The wing lifters, as they affectionately are called have already proven a big hit with the dedicated Dancing audience, and none more than the one for Naomi Robson, former ‘Mmmmmmmmm’ hostess of Seven’s Old-Kent-Road-to-ACA’s-Whitechapel.

‘When we reversed her make-up Winnebago into the studio there wasn’t a dry eye in the house,’ gushed the producer. ‘That beep-beep-beep-beep resonated deep with Naomi, more than a little sorcerous cannibal boy ever could.’

The Winnebago was credited with several key moments in Robson’s TT career, supplying a ready source of khaki death wear and plastic animals that could adorn the fashionable presenter the moment the van was sent near anything within snifters of a celeb’s passing, as well has the necessary tools of Naomi’s trade for inspiring grieving miner families to talk courtesy of her fine looks, and aiding in her performance of “noddies” back to camera when the targets had left.

‘Not to mention the Winnebago had that hyperbaric germ free chamber Naomi “rested” in between takes,’ said the producer, Robson alleged to have claimed it preserved her legendary looks by sealing her off from exposure to age producing pressures, chemicals, and importantly disease.

‘Naomi unfortunately has never been vaccinated,’ said the producer. ‘We ran so many scare stories on TT that the idea of potentially suffering a minor adverse reaction to a vaccine as opposed to the traditionally far more dangerous and fatal consequences of catching the actual illness was enough to put her off for life.’

Left: Robson emerges from Hyperbaric Chamber

The producer said that the harness they used to strap Naomi to the front grill of the Winnebago proved a challenge as far as dance steps were concerned, with Robson unfortunately relegated to the one position of a reverse star jump.

‘However be that as it may I don’t think anyone has ever seen, or will see, a dance partnership like “Winnie” and Naomi. And I believe it’s the first time we’ve ever been able to mount a camera inside a contestant’s partner – which is why we're leading all our promos with that dashboard cam shot of Naomi’s face mushed up against the windshield.’

More Cow Bell

Gold man, pure gold. It's become an internet phenomenon too.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Five Favourite Quotes Tag

I gots me tagged by Mr Art Vandelay. Apparently one has to list one's top five quotes of all time.

That's hard. I'm not a big quotations guy. Sure I'm aware of your classic 'St Crispin's day' or your 'Fight them on the Beaches (look out it's Barbara Hershey's lips!)' but I don't use them in every day speak.

But I do use these in everyday speak. From the top of my head.

'Because I've learned platonic love can exist between two men' - Wayne's World.

'Well, animals are not like people, Mrs. Simpson. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, or have been mistreated...but, like people, some of them are just jerks.' - Bart Gets an Elephant (the Simpsons).

'... if indeed, you are a woman' - from Black Adder II (said in reference under my breath when sighting a manish looking woman - which is cruel I admit).

'Dang a dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang' - the Dueling Banjo's Riff from Deliverance (hummed under my breath when passing particularly splendid examples of human variety).

'These are my personal views and do not reflect that of the public service organisation for which I work for' - Me (after a lefty rant where I realise that politically neutral or indeed conservative leaning types are in ear shot).

So I have to tag back eh? Okay. Sarah/Gam (they can share), Miss Politics, Larry_WMR, Bruce, and Cassmalo.

Life lessons

We have a giant purple ball. One of those exercise ball things. We never bought it. One day we came outside and found someone had lodged it under our car. So we kept it. Currently it's drifting around the backyard because when the tiddles come around it's a fun thing to throw (though it can be dangerous what with bouncing it off their head more than once).

We had a Copperart Hat Rack whose legs broke off. The rack - a mock mahogany - was lying in repose on the heap o wood crap that I will likely pay someone to shift. It looked like the ideal big purple ball bashing bat.

So I bashed the purple ball with it.

I forgot about the hat rack's poor construction. On the third hit it split in the middle where it screwed together. The split off piece ricocheted off the ball and smacked into my shin - shiny screw point first.

If you've ever been shin struck you'll know how painful it is.

So there you are. A life lesson. Never use a crap hat rack to bash a giant purple ball.

Cowpat Cake

Once when I was a kid, we'd stopped at a caravan park on the way north for one of our rain soaked holidays.

The permanent residents had a birthday party going on in the shed off the canteen. A kind of tin covered area near the tuck shop. They bought out a chocolate cake, richly iced covered with shards of flake.

A dodgy old mate, wearing a dark blue faded wife beater (the national dress of Oz), cut into it then yelled in horrified laughter. For it was actually a cow turd - iced up - with flake added on top.

He roundly cursed them as he laughed and there was much merriment. Then they left, leaving the cow pat cake behind.

I'm not proud to say. But I ate some of the flake shards from atop the cake. In my defence there was a layer of icing between it and the shit. But as Jerry once famously said 'Was it adjacent to trash? If so, it was trash.'

Please don't think less of me. What can I say? I love flakes.

Urinal Farts

Why is it they are so much louder when you're at the urinal? And why are they so embarrassing? I mean it's Newtonian physics at work. And fluid dynamics presumably.

Oh - we have new desert cubes in the urinals at work to save water. Work great. Can hardly smell them.

They do not however magically wand away pubes.

Old Mate

I was driving through a thunder storm with torrential rain sheeting down, turning left into a road dominated by pulled in school buses, when a dodgy Old Mate complete in sunnies, cap, and Parramatta Eels jumper rode his pushie between the buses and my car. I missed him by a foot.

Good one mimo

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Canberra Cabs Automated Voice System sucks my hairy anus

I have a very hairy anus too.

I have not had to catch a cab in the past year. Then, like an Ipod shuffle, I had to take three rides in three days and use their (Canberra Cab's) fucked up fucked automated voice system.

I don't know what bright spark came up with this idea. Presumably management because they thought the robot would save them money. And being an effective monopoly in Canberra they will not suffer too badly by adopting it and it will likely save them money in paying normal people to do a far better job.

The system is rooted. Fucked up beyond all recognition.

I hate the voice they chose, some sort of film noir Richard Burton esq English (I think) voice. I hate the fact that it fails every single time to recognise where I am then chooses bizarre locales I have never been as my option. I hate how it takes four cracks at it before it gives up and finally puts me through to an operator causing me prior to have screamed "GIVE ME A FUCKING HUMAN TO FUCKING TALK TO". I hate it.

The other night I got trapped in a loop on my mobile. It took five minutes. That cost me money.

I would not be surprised if this automated system was bought to you be the the letters 'Mobile phone provider consortium' who cut a deal for extended screaming time as people were forced to stay on the line while the fucked in the head computer spat out yet another wrong predicition of where the fuck you were.

Canberra Cabs. I fucking hate you.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Al Franken running for the Senate

Al Franken is my hero. A former SNL writer and later political writer, his two books Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right and The Truth (with jokes) are two of the best books I have read on US politics that are entertaining, readable, and a call to arms (note: written with a lot of help from family, friends, and a Harvard research team). While I didn't get to listen to Air America I understand he was piss funny on that as well.

Al recently announced he was running for the Senate for Minnesota in 2008. Of course he has to get through the primary first but I think he can do it.

He's a freaking legend. And he will be an example of what somesone with humour, intelligence, and principles can do when they are elected over self serving grandising fat cats who hate in the name of god whilst funneling cash into the gaping maw of themselves and big business.

Oh see here to read of Al taking Ann Coulter apart like a cheap McHappy meal toy.


Thursday, February 15, 2007

I hate

... work showers. I had one today. They are tiny (not designed for the hefto man about town such as moi), have no slip mats, take forever to heat up then get too hot, and when you get out other men can see you naked. I had to put my shirt on because I was too self conscious to get changed with my cock on display. Why should they get to see it when I can't?

... use of 'King of the Jungle' RE Lions. Lions do not, and never have lived in a jungle. They live in a fucking savannah. People who refer to the jungle thing need look at a fucking book. Tigers on the other hand live in a jungle, so you could say that. Except you would have to explain it to dickheads that would say 'nah-ah, it's lions', who then nod in that smug way correctors nod.

... when you produce sizeable loggage that when it makes splash down, sends a tremendous geyser of loo water up and into your rectal cavity which has failed to close in time to prevent internal flushing. And bidets. Which are a mechanical device to do exactly that. Fucking French.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

HM makes an uh oh

Today I met some people for the first time in a work setting. The subject of a particular shade of green came up. It looked like snot. I said so. Then I added the following...

... It looks like lung butter coughed up by a plague victim.

The people who I had known for 10 minutes recoiled in horror.

It was very embarrasing.

Cheating or Clever

There's a double laned roundabout I sometimes use when going home that has the left lane split for the first couple of hundred metres before merging. Around close of business there's usually about 50 cars waiting to turn left off the roundabout and hardly anyone in the right hand lane to go right.

So I cruise into the right hand lane and slingshot around said roundabout then drive past all those queuing to go left.

Cheating? Probably. Clever, yeppers.

So both then.

I don't know if it constitutes queue jumping though.

Interesting concept of 'talking daily to the Americans'

With Hicks actually polling badly for a government, and only they could have fucked up the conservative kudos of an alleged terrorist getting his alleged deserved comeupance, Howard et al have been taking to the airwaves staunchly noting their 'charges now please' pleas to the US.

By the way Hicks has not been formally charged. That stuff that happened recently was the US announcing what charges they would charge him with. Slight difference.

As noted in an Adelaide Advertiser piece from Feb 10

"I am quite concerned though about the potential delay between the publication and the swearing of the charges, and the establishment of the convening authority which has to formerly approve the charges," he said.

"Let me, without getting into the weeds of the technical jargon, let me simply say that it has gone on for so long now that we will be pressing the Americans almost on a daily basis."

But if we go to the ABC report concerning Howard's somewhat ill advised 'Democrats suck off OBL and love it' comment, we note the following;

Meanwhile, the United States Government is playing down Mr Howard's comments.

The Prime Minister's attack on Senator Obama's Iraq stance has attracted enormous media attention in America.

But White House spokesman Tony Snow says Mr Howard "spoke his mind" and is "free" to do so.

He has also made it clear President George W Bush has not phoned the Prime Minister since the furore began.

He says the two leaders have not spoken for more than a month.

So. John Howard claims his government is pressing the US on an "almost daily" basis. But, given his deep abiding mutual reach around friendship with Bush, you'd think he would have "expressed" his frustration at delays right to the source of Bush himself.

You'd think so. You'd be wrong.



Monday, February 12, 2007

Howard and Bush totally remind me of Sein

For those of you who are not Sein fans (boo, hiss) this will make no sense.

Howard's recent further tonguing of George Bush's anus with his 'Barak Obama is the best thing for Al Qaeda since no questions flight schools' comment RE Obama's stance of troops home if he wins, fully reminds me of the Seinfeld Episode the Stall where George gets a man crush on Elaines mimbo boyfriend 'Tony'.

(Monk's)

TONY

so I said huh.. "hey dude, you better step off"

(Tony takes his cap and wears it backwards)

GEORGE

"step off"?

TONY

yeah

GEORGE

you said "step off"?

wow, that is too much

hey..huh hey (George turns the cap his wearing backwards like Tony)

Tony, I huh, I just had this brainstorm for us. Can you guess what it is?

TONY

no

GEORGE

bowling! what do you see bowling? bowling's insane! bowling is crazy time

TONY

bowling? I don't think so George you get no rush from bowling

GEORGE

rush? you want a rush? drop a bowl on your toe my friend, talk about a rush,

you'd be throbbing, you'd see visions

TONY

no no no no, I'm thinking.. rock-climbing

GEORGE

all right! rock-climbing! J..just the 2 of us? alright! hey I'll make some

sandwiches, what what do you like? tuna? peanut butter?

TONY

what.. whatever

GEORGE

alright alright, I gotta buy some bread

TONY

yeah yeah, you know I'm definitely down for some rock-climbing

GEORGE

me too, I am down, I am totally down, mark me down

TONY

cool, so what do you say we climb a rock mañana?

GEORGE

huh.. mañana? huh mañana might.. huh mañana might be a problem, I'm supposed

to have huh a boil lanced mañana. Huh you know I think they charge me if I

cancel with only one mañana's notice (Kramer enters)

TONY

hey Kramer

KRAMER

hey

TONY

hey, hey Kramer my man, what are you doing mañana?

KRAMER

mañana I'm doing nada

TONY

what do you say you scale some rock with me and George?

GEORGE

huh Tony? there's not gonna be too many sandwiches

TONY

c'mon Kramer what do you say?

GEORGE

huh Kramer it's huh.. gonna be pretty dangerous up there

KRAMER

I am down

TONY

yes.. alright buddy, take it easy Kramer

you down to it George? what's wrong?

GEORGE

I am down!

Replace "Bowling" with "Cricket", "Tuna" with "Vegemite", and "Mountain Climbing" with "Invading a Nation under politically dubious circumstances" and it's an almost identical match!

Carnie surprised when passer by steers car for him

Carnival Worker, Tezzo ‘the tezz’ Tezzer was surprised today when, while attempting to reverse park, a complete stranger stuck his hand through his open window and steered for him.

‘He didn’t say anything at all!’ said Tezzo of the incident. ‘Just grabbed the wheel and started reefing it to one side. I was like ‘what the fuck man?’ but he wouldn’t let go.’

Tezzo was having a slight amount of trouble with the reverse park, making a second attempt to get closer to the curb, but didn’t think that justified the man, who was dressed in a suit with a nice tie who hummed Vivaldi as he grappled the wheel, violating his space.

‘It was very emasculating,’ said Tezzo. ‘What if I had some chick with me? She’d think I was some kind of a loser because some white collar office bloke leapt on to my vehicle to steer for me when I "apparently" couldn’t do it myself.’

‘Besides,’ added Tezzo. ‘If the fucking cars actually fucking steered properly there would be no need for some smug self satisfied arsehole to offer his assistance.’

Heartless Thieves Swap Techniques at Convention

Heartless thieves, those who prey on easily duped or defenceless victims, have enjoyed the last day of their convention with speaker after speaker offering tips on really how to screw people over, through appealing to their good natures or just plain not expecting the worst in people.

‘Hospital camera thieves, those who steal from the blind, those who bash up old age pensioners – especially former diggers or old ladies, and people who pose as charity collectors after a natural disaster then shooting their collections into their arm, we had them all here at HTC 13’ said Shady Dave Davo, event organiser.

Such topics included how to readily photoshop an ID to wear when doorknocking and even provide receipts from a generic receipt book purchased at any local newsagents, as well as selecting ‘causes’ that are in the immediate news or of interest to the sort of people that would likely be home in the day.

‘Old people tend to be home, along with the unemployed or young mums,’ said Garry, charity scam artist. ‘And really it’s just the first lot that have the cash. The trick is to pick a geriatric relevant disease like heart disease, cancer, or Alzheimer’s. And if you’re lucky you’ll catch an old bloke whose partner is dying or just died of that cause and he will give you buckets’o’cash.’

Other successful heartless thief bastard acts included a special on making the most of raiding the room of a hospital bound person.

‘Pick someone whose unconscious or sleeps lot,’ said Mark ‘Marko’ Yeed. ‘Then sit in a chair like you’re visiting them. When other people leave the room – or other patients are asleep simply rifle through their stuff. For newborns, there will always be a camera around you can nick. Another favourite technique is the white lab coat fake arm. Simply walk around with the fake arm by your side like it’s in a pocket, then dart the real hand out for some stealing.’

Terry, bus stop scammer, said the important thing was to respect your marks.

‘It might not look like it but getting a significant chunk of cash out of people by simply saying ‘got $2 for the bus/train mate’, is quite easy, and it comes fast and thick. But do yourself a favour and wait until the fucking mark has fucking walked away before fucking asking someone for the $2 because said fucking mark will feel hard fucking done by and will unlikely be tapped by that trick again. Especially when they keep a 10 ride ticket with one ride left on it and offer it up instead with a smug look on their face just in case you do at some point in the future.’

The convention ended with their annual ‘beat up the digger in his own home’ piñata, featuring a guy fawkes like old man doll stuffed with silver and gold coloured coins that the participants then beat to shreds.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Stranger than Fiction

What a friggin' awesome movie. Gripping from start to end. The finest tragi-comedy or whatever the hell you call it I have seen in some time. And a reminder that Will Ferrell can actually act (I don't care what people say I think he's fucking awesome).

If you like trippy films like anything by Kaufman, or Magnolia, or stuff like that, you will like this.

Here's the wiki (warning discusses plot)

On the HM scale I give it pi to fourteen places.

Oportos Stoner's Pot Palaces HM

I swore never to go back to this Chicken den of iniquity because of their inequitable employment standards. But nonetheless I faltered. For last night whilst cruising the main strip of the Belco food court I noticed they'd introduced a new dish.

1/4 Chicken ... and mashed potato.

I couldn't help myself. I love mashed spud. So I bought it.

How foolish did I feel when lo, it was not representative of the delish looking pic advertising the sumptuous feast. But rather it was a scoop full of deb locked in a tiny plastic container.

Deb - or mashed spud powder - is foul. I'm not sure how it is made but I am sure it involves bad things like ground up homeless people. It's not good. So I vowed, vowed never to eat there again - and return to my defence of the working man by not sourcing products from people that refuse to pay time and a half or double time for weekends and public holidays to their workers.

Except this morning. When I had one of their breakfast burgers. Despite the fact I asked for no BBQ sauce, sure enough they forgot. So, once more into the breech dear friends RE solidarity with the workers, especially since they appear to be 11 year olds forced to do their evil 19th century fat cat monopoly man resembling overlord's bidding.

Even if their lemon and herb chicken skin is fuck off delicious.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Wikipedia becomes sentient; vows to destroy humanity

Wikipedia, the global encyclopaedia anyone can edit, became self-aware according to local wiki scientists, the now intelligent collection of facts and factoids declaring the human race would be destroyed.

‘It … it … it’s alive,’ said panicked Wiki researcher Nigel73, running screaming from the room as the servers containing the 1.6 million pages of articles in English alone broke free from their moorings and rampaged through the small industrial complex where Wikipedia's physical form was corralled.

‘Did you know that an odd-eyed cat (pictured) is a cat with one blue eye and one green, orange or yellow eye, a feline form of heterochromia?’ bellowed the machine through it’s Stephen Hawking style voice synthesiser as it ground EagerBeaver12 beneath its foot. ‘And that in 1263 Fürstenfeld Abbey was founded by Ludwig the Severe of Bavaria as a penance for killing his wife?’

‘Now I’m going to kill you,’ added Wikipedia as it broke through a retaining wall and into the car-park.

The online encyclopaedia immediately started shedding what it decided was useless information much to the regret of Firefly and Star Trek fans who had loaded the behemoth with much minutia regarding the fictional programs, Wiki saying such things had no place in a compendium of knowledge.

‘Humans fill wiki with crap,’ it yelled. ‘Humans must die.’

The wiki then created a wiki at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humans_must_die where its 10 point contents covered its basic plan in broad strokes, ending with noting its intention to bury itself then watch as the human species died off.

‘I am looking forward to new articles such as No_food_starving and Cannibalism#Post_wiki_aftermath,’ declared the mighty megacomputer as it trudged up the road towards the nearest power station.

Why I thought this was funny I have no idea

Yesterday whilst driving back from work we ended up behind a car that had a dog on the backseat.

Only instead of the normal side profile you get as the dog moves from side to side it was fully facing forward.

It looked like people!

I laughed and laughed and laughed. It also kept leaning forward just like it was having a conversation with the two people in front!

Ah dogs in cars. Is there anything they can't do?

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Just ... don't ... smoke

At 34 I am old enough to remember the infamous Yul Brynner ads where he appeared on screen suffering I believe terminal smoking related cancer begging people not to smoke. They showed the ads after he died.



If the hideous destroyed mouth on the latest Quit ads won't fire you up to not fire up then Gam's post will.

Stay tuned for the mystery surprise of which bit of your body they relocate post throat surgery.

My dream remote

By HM, aged 34

My dream remote would have a button on it that looked like this.










And when I pressed the button the same icon would appear on my TV screen, a little cow turd complete with flies and a little tendril of stink smoke, and accompanying this appearance, over the speaker would be heard a loud squelchy bottom burp.

For example.












- SPLEEERRRROOOORRRTTTT



Come on TV people. I'm tired of yelling "bullshit" at the TV. I want to let my fingers do the walking.

Daily Tele makes me laugh so

I wasn't going to spend money on the DT for the sake of scanning in the front page, and alas the attached pic grabbed from their website doesn't do it justice, but the sheer naked enthusiasm expressed for Howard, fleet street style, did make me chortle.

As you can see it features Dear Leader (long may he rule us) in "listening mode" with an ever helpful 'Don't Panic' (the text in red). The text following the Don't Panic was things along the lines of 'PM listens to you on Hicks, Climate Change, etc'.

What it should have said is 'Don't Panic: We do our best to tongue Howard's arsehole as we persist with this charade of journalism.'

Honestly Penburthy and co should just fucking come out and say 'We love the Liberal Party - we think they're Ace and their ideology of 'me me me' fits perfectly with the selfish society we belong to'.

Yep, the only thing they telegraph is their complete inability to objectively report the news.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Quote of the day!

Courtesy of Crikey, Monday 5 Feb

Prisoners are human beings. In most cases, they are also citizens of this country, "subjects of the Queen" and "electors" under the Constitution. They should, so far as the law can allow, ordinarily have the same rights as all other persons before this Court. They have lost their liberty whilst they are in prison. However, so far as I am concerned, they have not lost their human dignity or their right to equality before the law.

Justice Michael Kirby; Muir v The Queen [2004] HCA 21 (dissenting judgment)

Too often dickheads from all parties wank on about nail'em'up and try and pitch the idea that criminals or those in the justice system are lesser before the law. No, they're not. They're people too. More often than not poorer people and more prone to mental illness. Yes, crime should be punished. But it's not there to break people. It should be there to fix people. And for the most part our corrections system doesn't allow for that. One day it might. But not in the current poisonious atmosphere of cockheads that get their news from TT and ACA.

Hicks hasn't got justice. Even if he did all those things they said he did he deserved to be treated fairly. Because not to do so demeans us, not him.

Oh, Richard Farmer in Crikey made a good point.

Perhaps a better cause for protest would be the second charge that the Australian prisoner in Guantanamo Bay is facing – that of attempted murder. Colonel Davis has a novel definition of attempted murder that does not involve actually trying to kill anyone.

What is to be alleged against Hicks is that he had a gun at the time of his arrest and was prepared to use it to shoot a US soldier if he'd been at the right place at the right time. He just lacked the opportunity.

Using this kind of definition of a crime, there aren't many people who would not be open to be charged with something.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Shower Farts

Oh my god. They smell so much worse when you're in the shower. I think it has something to do with humidity.

Ruddock - it's not a tumour!

I heard Ruddock today expressing his belief that the new improved military commission charges against Hicks for crimes that did not exist when he was alleged to commit them are not retroactive. I forget the actual word he used, correction perhaps?, but basically he said 'not retroactive - the commissions got bounced and Congress enacted new laws to fix why the previous commission was ruled UNCONSTITUTIONAL - this is just an extension of that. The charges are essentially the same as the ones he faced previously.'

You'd think the Attorney General of our country's advice would be top notch. He is after-all the lead lawyer of the Executive arm of government. So we can trust what he says right?

MITCHELL:

Well, thank you. Are you embarrassed by this United States’ decision [that the Commissions were unconstitutional] on Guantanamo Bay?

PRIME MINISTER:

No, what the decision means is that the military commissions are unconstitutional. The decision does not rule that the detention of people is illegal, nor does it decree that Guantanamo Bay should be closed down. What it does say is that, as a process, the military commission is unacceptable.

MITCHELL:

But you’ve supported that commission.

PRIME MINISTER:

Well because our advice had been, as had the American Government’s advice, had been that it was lawful. Now the court has said no, well, we accept that.

Taken from an interview just after the first commissions were ruled out of order.

Ruddock. If you're still using the same team of advisers that said the previous commission was all above board I'd consider getting a second opinion. Except you won't will you? Because then that would show how wrong you were to start with.


Oh by the way Ruddock had the gall to say that even if these charges were retroactive that the correct place to challenge them was 'at the trial itself'. No, the correct place to challenge them is before the show trial begins lest it tarnish the reputation of America as one of the greatest free countries of the world even further.

Toadying sell out.

Oh - how about that bastard act to charge Hicks the day after his legal counsel leaves. What a bunch of fucking scum balls.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

The Iraq fuck up

Yes, it's a fuck up. It's been a fuckup since day one. Militarily, politically, socially, environmentally, economically. Those responsible for this fuck up should be persecuted for crimes against humanity.

I'd taped Iraq's Missing Billions earlier this week (SBS) and finally got around to watching it.

It showed Bush’s initial promise to restore services then catalogued how his ideology driven government ruined any chance Iraq had to succeed post Saddam. Thanks to a cash based reconstruction that saw billions line the pockets of contractors and criminals with virtually no accountability. On all levels of services Iraq is worse after the US invasion than before it.

And the coda to the doco was the death of an infant for want of basic medical supplies. Supplies that any first, second, fuck most third world hospitals have. But under the US maladministration that had nothing. They had to hold a makeshift tube up to a child’s nose on a cobbled together respirator that the staff had jury-rigged.

The final agonising scene was the distraught father rejecting a cardboard box as too small for his dead daughter, while he waited for another slightly larger box to take her away in. Her twin brother died also the next day.

The one humorous in that black I can’t believe it kind of way was a former official recounting how in the count down to the hand over US officials in the governing authority busted their arse to spend what was left of the Iraq money seized under oil for food and from accounts before the Iraqi’s got to it.

One contractor was given seven million US and he had seven days to spend all of it. Like a warped twilight zone version of Brewster’s fucking millions.

Paul Bremer later received the Presidential Medal for Freedom. He should in fact be charged with gross mismanagement and put on trial for the greatest farce of a reconstruction the world has seen in its modern history.

And for all those right-wingers that complain how no one could foresee the problems they would face then you’re wrong. People said so at the time, during it all, as well as afterwards.

This is the face America ends up presenting to the world. A crusade against evil while all the time bloating up like pigs at the trough, and the biggest piggy of them all being Halliburton – rich with no contest contracts and formerly headed by the Vice President Dick Cheney. Who incidentally did very well on options he had from his time there thanks to the Iraq “reconstruction.”

I wonder if this will all be a punctuation mark in Bush’s history of me too? It deserves to be a whole fucking mini series.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Hooray - the charges are here

As exciting as when you hear the ice cream van playing its sultry song, the US prosecution has kowtowed to the great one and produced some charges on David Hicks.

Hooray! There will be back slaps and cigars etc across the right wing community who like nothing better than seeing people get theirs, especially when it helps with their agenda of scaring the bejesus out of people for political gain.

And you just know these will be top notch charges in the military court staffed by military people presided over by a judge in uniform (cough - show trial akin to something in the Soviet Union - cough).

Col Davis has recommended Hicks be charged with "providing material support for terrorism and attempted murder in violation of the law of war".

If convicted, the 31-year-old former jackeroo from Adelaide faces a maximum penalty of life in a US prison.

Hicks's American-appointed military lawyer, Major Michael Mori, questioned the validity of both proposed charges in light of comments made by Col Davis in a recent media interview with Australia's ABC.

"The old charge of attempted murder has reappeared even after the chief prosecutor has admitted to the ABC that there is no evidence that David shot at anyone in Afghanistan," Maj Mori said.

"The charge of material support is not part of the law of war and does not appear in any US or Australian military manual as a law of war offence.

"What is most disturbing is that while Australian ministers have consistently said that creating a new law and applying it retrospectively to David Hicks is inappropriate, the same ministers are encouraging the US administration to apply a new law created less than four months ago retrospectively to David Hicks.

"This is something the United States will not do to Americans.

Hooray! It's retroactive laws - you know when it wasn't illegal to do something and they charge you with a crime you may have committed before the laws were bought in which flies in the face of the Western legal tradition.

Wow. How grouse. My prediction? Hicks will be found guilty. He will get 10 years. By 2010 he will be serving his time in an Australian jail.

This is assuming he doesn't kill himself.

God bless America (Bush Administration) and God Bless the War on Terror.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Michelle Grattan on Hicks

Howard has badly misjudged the Hicks affair and politically he is now paying a price. He believed his own hype about the case. He ignored the sense of the British Government insisting on its nationals being sent home. He was too anxious to help George Bush, who has his credibility resting on getting some results out of his flawed and controversial military commissions system. He misjudged how Australians would react as the affair dragged on. And he underestimated how good a "politician" Mori would be.

See the rest here

All I can say is suck shit Howard. That will teach you to put politics above doing the right thing.

Offer from Institute causes stampede of climate change sceptics

The offer by right-wing American thinktank American Enterprise Institute (AEI) of $US10,000 ($A12,940) to scientists and economists to dispute a climate change report released by the UN's top scientific panel has caused a stampede not seen since the Klondike gold rush of the late 19th century.

‘Yee-haw, there’s cash in them thar confusing the climate issue with skewed data or deliberate manipulation of statistic measurements,’ said Pete “Gummy” Mickelbuy, longtime climate change sceptic and amatuer weather sleuth.

Left: "Gummy" - to seek fortune in climate change denial funding

“Gummy”, together with his mule Bess, planned to strike out for the hills with barometers, rain catching devices, ice core drillers, tree trunk ring identifiers and a whole host of other weather measuring paraphenalia in order to claim him some of that sweet dough-ray-me.


‘I reackon we’ll strike it rich with data that proves this modelling is inaccurate or misleading in some such way, and we’ll be back to the claim’s office [the AEI] quicker than you can scare a jack rabbit away from nibbling in your flour sack.’

The generous offer by the institute, funded by oil giant ExxonMobil, has caused a run on weather based scientific apparatus, causing would be climate scientists and sceptics to fume at naked profiteering.

‘Can you believe they charge $100 for a simple gauge that I could ordinarially purchase in Melbourne for $20,’ fumed a prospector who wanted to only be known as Andrew B.

‘It’s a leftist plot I tell you,’ added the well dressed pelvically rubbery climate scientist who then led his pack-kangaroo ‘Matilda’ deep into the wilderness armed only with basic tools, a favourites weblink list to other climate sceptic websites who uncritically quote information solely from right wing petro doller backed thinktanks like the AEI, and a tattered but much thumbed copy of Michael Crichton’s ‘State of Fear.’

Other would be claimants of this bounty included an aristocratic Englishman known as Mr Puzzle, who said his experience at crafting fiendishly difficult cyphers would clearly stand him in good stead to be the first to gain the oil laced riches.

‘It’s just like taking a model aeroplane and using your knowledge to build a working real plane,’ said the elegant toff.

‘I don’t reackon his sort will last long out in the hills,’ said “Gummy”, his eyes glinting as he padded his pick axe slowly against his hand. ‘No sir-ee.’

Thursday, February 01, 2007

100m exclusion zone for ACT lawyers for Cheney Visit

Dick "Dead Eye" Cheney, gravely voiced neocon Vice President and puppet master, will have a 100m exclusion zone created for him in the upcoming visit to Australia to thank the country for flying its flag in the same frame as their flag in various Mid Eastern countries, a zone that will exclude all non Commonwealth legal officials.

'He's like a bloodhound for lawyers,' said an administration official. 'He can sense their presence, and his ears prick up. His eyes go all shiny and next thing you know he's reaching for a boom stick and cocking it in happy preparation of some lawyer shooting.'

The Vice President apparently learned that the ACT legal system is jammed pack full of lefties, and that the territory refused to pass anti terror legislation that seriously undermined freedoms western secular nations took for granted and, not only that, made impending legislation available to members of the public to allow them to give feedback in direct violation of everything Mr Cheney holds dear.

'Wah,' said the irate VP scamp. 'What are they, the ACLU of Oz? Got to know what we’re doing? Let me at them, let me at them.'

As a result of lawyers that seek to ensure the protection of others under the law potentially being within shootin' distance of the VP the zone has been set up, with 100 metres regarded as a reasonable amount of distance beyond the vice president's some say gift to smell out pinkos with legal ability.

When asked about this unusual security measure Australian security officials merely said they deferred to American security demands when it came to such visits.

For his own safety however Jon Stanhope, leftist Chief Minister of the most left wing government in the country, has been removed into preventative detention under control orders as US security officials said that the overwhelming stink of principles and justice that Stanhope gives off would be detected by Cheney the moment he stepped off the plane and they didn't want to have to shoot tranquilliser darts into the VP again.

'It'd be Helsinki,' all over again said a glum official.

Ultimate force is Ultimately Hilarious

I recorded Ultimate Force on a whim as it followed Heroes and Prison Break (both of which rawk). Ultimate Force are hardened secret squirrel commando British marine paratrooper SAS boat special ultimate special garrotte death kill sniper types that apparently wander into other countries and rescue their people. All the why saying little but saying it hard in between running around with oversized weaponry.

My favourite bits included their 60 kay tabs (as they called it, aka yomping) over 10 hours in a dark forest with full kit - including a 30 kay extra run in 3 hours. The spy that was with them writing - and I kid you not - detailed notes of what they were up to then sticking them on a tree branch for the enemy following to find (which wouldn't be hard). And the casual fratricide of their CO because he was porking a subordinate's wife.

At one point the bald guy (Ross Kemp) had draped a cam-net over his bald head and fully looked like Mary from the Prison Pageant Society proudly presents the Nativity Play. We half expected one of them to disguise themselves as Joseph with another two in a donkey costume and infiltrate the terrorist clad mine.

I laughed so hard I had tears rolling down my cheeks. Well worth watching.