Saturday, January 13, 2007

Heiress confuses promoted beer with vaginal douche

Notorious heiress and nightclub opener, Paris Hilton, today accidentally confused Australian product Bondi Blonde Beer for a vaginal douche, using the shaken contents of the bottle to wash out her lady parts while on stage.

"Look, it was an easy mistake to make," said Bondi Blonde Beer rep August Brightly. 

"Paris is blonde, the beer is named 'Bondi Blonde Beer'. It’s only natural that after a night of severe partying and potential drunken dalliances that she assumed the cool refreshing, light on the waist line liquid was a kind of vaginal cleanser that would help wash out any lurking men menaces down there."

The heiress, unhindered in her act by non-existent underwear, said that use of liquid douches in this manner had a proud tradition in the US and she naturally assumed that “Ohssies” would likewise be in the know for remedies for unwanted sperm.

"Like, in the '50s like, women used to use like coke and stuff. They’d shake it up and insert it like, and like it would get all the tadpoles and stuff and like kill them."

Rumoured to be paid some five million dollars for her 23 minute appearance where the glassy eyed Hilton rocked back and forth clutching her tiny handbag containing yet another soon to be suffocated micro pet, organisers admitted Hilton’s bold move in applying a Bondi Blonde in a "morning after" fashion took them by surprise.

"Look, we didn’t know that instead of chugging back gulps of the delish amber delight she’d put her thumb over the mouth, shake, insert, then release," said Ms Brightly. 

"But, well, the silver lining is you cannot get publicity like this. Even if Paris used the product in the manner in which it was not intended."

The heiress reportedly stood watching the beer run back out of her almost skeletal groin, then jiggled up and down to rid her vagina of the last drops. She declared the experience “refreshing” and insisted that other Gen-Y women should choose this product over any others.

"Like this is the best like bourbon I ever had," she said, using the front of her micro dress to dab the last of the beer from her gutted rabbit. "So totally douche with it, or drink it, whatever."

"Use of coke bottles by women in that manner caused all sorts of problems," said gynecologist Dr Samantha Brewen. 

"So I shudder to think applying what is essentially a yeast delivery system would do to that area."

Bondi Blonde execs said they would quickly rush a new backing label for the beer that indicated a stylised, yet attractive silhouette of a woman knocking back a Bondi Blonde emblazoned with a large tick paired with a line slashed circle against a stylised pair of legs with an inserted bottle.

An added slogan of “For up here, not down there” would likewise be added to the bottle to ensure complete comprehension of suggested product usage.


  1. Aw thanks. Credit must go to my nerd group who sparked the idea for the concept last night.

    "Gutted Rabbit" was a new term on me though :)


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