Wednesday, January 31, 2007

A Blackadder Flashback - The Head

SCENE 4 (At the jails) -------

BA: Right, good morning team. My name is Edmund Blackadder and I'm the new minister in charge of religious genocide. Now, if you play straight with me you'll find me a considerate employer, but cross me and you'll find that under this playful boyish exterior beats the heart of a ruthless sadistic maniac. Now my man you are ?

MRP: Eh, jailor Sir, my Lord.

BA: Good, well done and your name is ?

MRP: Ploppy Sir.

BA: Ploppy ?

MRP: Yes Sir.

BA: Ploppy the jailor ?

MRP: That's right Sir. Ploppy son of Ploppy.

BA: Ploppy, son of Ploppy the jailor ?

MRP: Ah ach no Sir. I am the first Ploppy to rise to be jailor. My father, Daddy Ploppy was known as Ploppy the slopper. It was from him that I inherited my fascinating skin diseases.

BA: Yes you are to be congratulated, my friend, we, we live in an age where illness and deformity are common place and yet Ploppy, you are without a doubt the most repulsive individual that I have ever met. I would shake your hand but I fear it would come off.

MRP: There's no many bosses would be that considerate sir.

BA: Thank you Ploppy, I do my best. Now then woman. if indeed you are a woman, what is your function on death row ?

MRSP: I'm the last meal cook Sir. The prisoners may ask for what they fancy for there last meal.....

BA: And you cook for them what they desire ?

MRSP: Oh yes Sir, provided they ask for sausages. Otherwise they tend to get a tiny bit disappointed. Sausages is all I got.

BA: You are clearly a woman of principle and compassion mistress eh ?

MRSP: Ploppy Sir.

BA: Ah, so you are married to...

MRSP: No, many people think that but it's pure coincidence. We did laugh when first we found out. "Good morning" mistress Ploppy he'd say, and I'd say "good morning ..

MRP& MRSP: Mr. Ploppy" (both laugh)

BA: The long winter evenings must just fly by. Ah ! and you must be the boy who makes the tea ?

MRP: Ah no Sir, he's the executioner but he does sometime make the tea.

BA: Yes, and your name is ?

B: Baldrick my Lord, but I'll change it to Ploppy if it'll make things easier.

BA: No thank you. I can cope with more than one name. What are you doing here ?

B: Well, it's a hobby

MRSP: It would be more, more fun Sir if he were to change his name. Give the place a more family atmosphere.

BA: A family atmosphere ? This is meant to be a place of pain and misery and sorrow.

MRSP: That's what I mean Sir.

MRP: Eh, Mistress Ploppy is a bit of a social realist Sir.

BA: Now then, we're going to run a fast efficient operation and I intend to do as little work as possible. My deputy Percy here will explain.

P: Good afternoon staff, my name is Lord Percy and if you play fair by me you will find me a considerate employer, but if you cross me BY JOVE, you ...

BA: Just tell'em the plan duckface.

P: My Lord, not in front of the staff.

BA: Get on with it.

P: Right Staff, as you know we are scheduled to execute Drake and Ethingham on Monday, Lord Farrow on Wednesday and Buckingham and Ponsonby on Friday. But in order to give us the middle of the week off, Lord Blackadder has decided to move Farrow to Monday.

BA: Lets just say he's got time off for good behaviour.

(SCENE ENDS)

I do so love Percy's attempt to threaten the staff...

2 comments:

  1. "I think you look like a bird that's swallowed a plate."

    ReplyDelete
  2. .. to another plate swallowing bird who was blind and hadn't had it in months.

    ReplyDelete