Saturday, September 30, 2006

... I fell on my bottom...

I was just at a friend's place to watch the end of the AFL match. I had a go in their swinging Macramé pot holder for people. I was swinging gently to and fro, enjoying the beautiful Spring day when there was a noise and I found myself on the ground having having landed fair on my coccyx.

Fuck me that hurt.

Stupid being overweight. It's far more embarrassing for us chubbos when things like this break underneath us (or in this case above).

Still it was pretty funny and nothing broken on me - just a busted spring on the clasp lock that held the people pot holder on the tree.

But my ass still hurts. I'm going to go and lie down.

Two things I love about Thai Restaurants

Apart from the food, which I'm sure all of us agree, is awesome.

The first is the chunky brass cutlery that only Thai Restaurants seem to use. You know the ones. Each item weighs about half a kilo and they have a chipped finish to them. I've yet to see them outside Thai restaurants but they all seem to have them. I don't think I've been in one that hasn't. It's like all the Thai food people in Oz had a big Hillsong style convention and took a vote on use of heavy bronze coloured food utensils.

The second is pictures of the beloved Thai Royal Family. Which I am sure are all great. Especially those that give a big thumbs up to their boys in green making Thailand safe from democracy. Thai royalty that seem to all enjoy one of the odder lower half of the human body clothing endeavours, to whit the MC Hammer Parachute Pants. Maybe use of crotch-about-the-knees wear was a rider on that Cutlery vote as well?

Who knows. Of course Google image search has made a liar of me and I can't prove this electronically. But I swear in every Oz bound Thai place I have seen there's a ye olde picture of a Thai Royal dressed to the nines in top notch tasty leg cladding gear that one could safely exit a flying aircraft with.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Go Go Girls No No for Coup Coup

According to the Jerusalem Post the Thai military, fresh from seizing power in a bloodless and softly condemed coup, has apparently banned Go Go Girls from doing the Monkey near their tanks.

Five days after instructing soldiers to keep smiling, the ruling council decided Wednesday that there is a limit to how much fun soldiers should have.

They ruled that sexy dancers were forbidden near tanks and tourists were no longer permitted to handle weapons when posing for photographs with troops still deployed in Bangkok.

How can you have a bloodless coup without some stripper girls? Stripper girls make every military seizure of a democratically elected government fun.

What I want to see is a Thai equivalent of Benny Hill chasing said girls round and around his tank as his theme song goes off. After-all if you can have a Thai Wiggles Troupe you can find a Thai Benny Hill.

I bet you fully have the theme song in your head now huh?

I know I do...

Did you know?

That using the term "sand monkey" to describe presumably Middle Eastern people is morally the equivalent of insulting the policies or person of the President of the United States if you are American?

Did you know that?

I didn't. I was shocked to find this out.

For more on this debate see here.

That irked me a lot. It's hard to see the point of visiting said blog when that's a prevailing view. Which is a real shame. Oh well...

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

He's b-a-a-a-ck...

Ray Martin, Oz's greatest media sell out and living impression of Mike Moore faux journalist creation of Working Dog, is apparently the man Channel 9 has helicoptered in to do the Terri Irwin interview for the Oz side of the clambering world's media house.

I know because I saw the promo this morning. I believe it was on tonight.

Needless to say, I didn't watch it.

Now don't get me wrong. I respect their family's pain - the Irwin's, not the Martin’s. But whoever wrote the music overlay for said promo needs to be horse whipped across Australia Zoo. Naked, with Pal rubbed on their genitalia.

It was the audio equivalent of a half tub of Vaseline as used by romantic portrait photographers when they need to de-ug a shot of a half naked adult hairy cherub looking fat fucker like me who turned up on a whim for some tasty shots for the wife.

Soaring crescendos, weepy chords, emotive lyrics etc. As written by a late 80’s pub rocker soloist whose only musical accompaniment is their Casio organ gifted to them by their parents in the Summer of ’85.

Now I’m paraphrasing here, because I’m not sure I heard this right, but I swear to god one of the lines – sung in a Trey Parker South Park esq voice – was “Crikey what a hero”.

Crikey. What. A. Hero.

Crikey what a pack of fuckwits more like.

In the brief shot of Ray Martin with Terri strolling the wall of flowers in memoriam – which were akin to Di-and-Dodi-Dead-Driver-Drunk-outside-Kensington-Palace levels – all I could think of was the scene of Mike Moore (faux tabloid journalist host) walking along a cricket oval with "The Don" in a slow mo promo shot of ‘only Mike Moore talks to Aussie legends’.

Priceless. Frankly if Ray had turned up at Oz Zoo had Irwin been alive I bet he would have had Martin’s rug thrown to the crocs.

BTW does anyone remember when John Saffran - a living comedic god even if he does like Andrew Bolt - ambushed Ray Martin outside his house in the manner of a foot-in-the-door shonky Asian repairman ACA story reporter? And Ray Martin biffed him? I do, it was awesome. Especially the Mike Munro paper mache mask Saffran was wearing.

You can find a video of that incident here (note I can't link it as I think it's a result of the word fuck being in the URL. So you will have to paste it into your browser like a little girl);

http://fuck-the-skull-of-jesus.mit.edu/safran.html

Remembering Penny

I had a bit of a crush on Penny as a kid. Now it's not sick since I was the same approximate chronological age as her at the time. Although I admit I do get a fond buzz even seeing her now – which is clearly wrong – were she not a cartoon. Because she is a cartoon well it’s perfectly acceptable.

(looks uncomfortable).

Anyway I decided to Google image search for the Penster – and no, not to see if there was a p0rn version of her – for a ‘remembering Penny’ article on her for here in Blogotown when I noticed this amongst the selections.










“That’s exactly how Penny likes it…”

Tee hee hee.




Oh piss off, you all thought it too.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

And now another message from the President













Good evening America. Sorry to once again disturb your rest.

I am informing you that I have come to the conclusion that I either have the intellect of a cat anus, or, failing my feline anusery, I have the morals of a Judas. No, not a Judas - he at least killed himself out of shame. Some kind of Judas like non Judas.

Why is this?

Well it's my support for legalised torture. You see this week I have been lobbying Congress for the right to inflict torture on terrorism suspects where I feel it is warranted. Without oversight. You know like how I didn't like oversight for wiretaps and went ahead and did that anyway even though that was illegal.

You see I have potentially not worked out that use of torture lessens us not only in the eyes of our allies, but also our enemies. That Abu Grabby, or whatever it was called, proved to be a rallying cry for groups who oppose us - as is that Ginnymo down in Cuba or Florida or some such. I have also not worked out that by justifying torture by US authorities means it is more likely that captured Americans will also face torture. And that it will be practically impossible for future US administrations to lecture or coerce other nations against use of torture. But hey, considering I cut deals with nations for base space where said nations boil people alive, you can hardly be surprised.

So, there's a chance I really don't understand how me torturing folks actually increases the terrorist threat to the nation. Or that should these folks ever be tried that any information obtained this way is so legally fraught as to be likely inadmissable.

Or, there's a good chance I know this. But my polls are so low that the War on Terror is the only thing I got left in mah political armoury. And that with 'vengence sayeth the Lord' types as my key supporters by supporting torture I actually appeal to them to come out in the November mid terms and vote Republican.

But what sort of a monster would I be if I put my domestic political agenda ahead of fundamental human rights - the same human rights that have proven one of the foundations of western culture?

It's have to be a right son'of'a'bitch wouldn't I?

So there you go America. I am either a yokel that's six cans short of a six pack with a cretin's understanding of geopolitical realities. Or I am using this here torture legislation to paint my opponents as weak willed terrorist lovers who would likely pay Bin Laden to take his cock in their mouth.

Either way it's not good.

Thankyew for listening America. God bless, and stay safe. And if you have a son or daughter kidnapped by fundamentalists who is later tortured within an inch of their life, please think of me and how I made that more likely to happen.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Adios Superfan

Today over at Boltwatch-watch, avenging angel and all-round SuperFan David Tan (rich lawyer; girlfriends loads of) hung up his spurs.

His farewell was somewhat confusing. He said something about outing Mr Lefty because MrLefty laughed when someone else said he was a pederast. This of course while David Tan had not ever named himself and thus could not be libelled since no one knew who he was.

In fact here's his adios here.

Anyway, it's a shame. His childish rants and refusal to acknowledge any time when he was proved to look like an utter smegwit was most entertaining and I am sure he will be sadly missed.

RIP Tanny.

Oh - the blog where he was called a pederast can be found here. In the comments at this blog he called me an " ...
obese tax payer funded waste of oxygen". Isn't that awesome? The wit! The rapier like nature of his thrust. The way he took my self admitted profession and weight and added 'waste of oxygen.'

Like I said. He will be sadly missed. By some more than others I suspect.

Abracafuckingdabra

Well he’s done it again. Misdirection, sleight of hand, look over there, mirrors, smoke, a man dressed like the man who disappeared appears where we think the man should be while in reality he slips away unseen.

Today a leaked copy of the NIE made it into media land (see the ABC story here). The National Intelligence Estimate is a summary of the thoughts and thinking of 16 intelligence agencies in the US. Their conclusion? That Iraq has increased the number of terrorists in the world and terrorist incidents.

Well no need for an open mouthed look of “shock” Troy McClure style needed here.

Except for the Amazing Johnny. The Amazing Johnny when asked point blank on the findings of the NIE – the same NIE that was previously used to justify tens of billions of dollars be spent on missile defence – performed a classic misdirection.

‘There are many theories about what causes terrorism,’ he said, without mentioning invading another country then doing your best to fuck up the occupation with too few troops and sacking the entire military as being one of them. ‘But this is a fact. Australians were attacked before the invasion of Iraq. September 11 happened before Iraq. Terrorists tried to blow up the World Trade Centre in 1993 ten years before the invasion.’

He’s right of course. This is all correct. But this is merely a ninja flash bomb to avoid the patently obvious ‘Iraq has made us less safe’ which was the point of the NIE.

We got attacked in Bali because we were part of the Afghanistan invasion (and we were right to do it). The US got attacked both times in the WTC because they had troops in Saudi Arabia and propped up a dictatorship. Sure, it’s a friendly dictatorship and they like the west – but let’s face it, it’s still a dictatorship. And being a dictatorship with a restless clergy they gave lots of lovely petro dollars to said clergy to go be occupied elsewhere - such as setting up extremist Islamic schools across the world and backing the Taliban.

So, the reasons why Iraq makes us less safe – the occupation of an Islamic country and/or backing an oppressive regime – were the reasons for all the other attacks Howard mentioned as well.

Be honest about it Howard. Just admit ‘the foreign policy choices we select have with it a risk of backlash on Australia and Australians.’ Everyone knows it. And you look like a twat when you pretend it is anything otherwise.

BTW Howard's words were from a doorstop interview. When I can find a specific reference I will reference it.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe...(shakes head)

I like Joe Hockey. I do. As far as Howard government ministers go, he's one of the decent ones. I'm not sure how he's survived as long as he has - because while he's no "wet" he's no mega hard man rightwing fuckhole like so many of them are.

On Sunrise however, I think it was Friday, Joe unfortunately said the following of the Exclusive Brethren (in response to the fact the EB's have supported the coalition in recent times - mainly because the coalition are the standard bearers for 'No marriages for gays');

"I'd agree more with what the Exclusive Brethren stand for than the ALP."


Ouch man, that's a bold call. As you know I support anyone's right to celebrate their faith. What I don't support is fucked up cults that perform sneaky political manuevers to ensure their blinkered bigoted agenda gets a leg up. It goes for any faith - Christian based, Islamic, Buddhist, Wicca, Voodoo whatever.

Well, what doe the EB stand for?

They stand for removing themselves from the community as best they can, no marriages for gays, no computers, radios, or TVs (unless the former is purchased from an Office Supplies company operated by EB leadership), oh and here's the kicker... no voting.

Check out David Marr's article from this weekend's SMH here. Also, here's the EB wiki. Also check out Mr Watermelon's excellent summary of EB badness here.

Joe Hockey, were I you, although your party - especially in NSW - is being steadily more dominated by ideological warriors of the far right - in the manner the ALP was by Maoists in the 70's - I'd back away from "EB = better than ALP" line. It's the sort of thing you can be hassled for later on when all of this 'secretive cult backs Liberal party' blows up in your party's face.

I'm sure there's a lot more you agree with the ALP than you would with the Exclusive Brethren.

Oh - this Monday’s Four Corners is on the EB if you want some more info.

It's interesting too that some in the Libs are courting these guys given their extreme ideology is akin to something you'd see in the more restrictive Middle Eastern countries they are so desperate to hold up as examples of why we are over there fighting for democracy.

Finally, another aside. My brother used to live in a group house, behind which was an EB compound. They would turn up in radioless coaches every Sunday and drive in their triple barbed wired gates, then hustle themselves in to their high windowed cinder block fortress like compound.

My brother used to watch them from his garden, typically smoking a poorly rolled rollie, and wearing his dirty gardening clobber (since he was working in his garden).

One day, they turned the sprinklers on him.

Pretty funny stuff...

A complaint about the SMH

Marge parks the car in the parking lot, and as she does, Homer sees a
nerd walk by.

Homer: [yelling at a student] Neeeerd!
Marge: Homer, that isn't very nice.
Homer: Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college
students: jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give
nerds a hard time.
[A "jock" walks by]
Hey pal! Did you get a load of the nerd?
Jock: [not understanding] Pardon me?

From Homer goes to college.

Ah Sundays. It's around Sunday pm that I finally end up reading the News Review section of the SMH. I rarely read editorials, though do read the opinion pages, but being a nerd I saw the editorial that featured Daleks, and had a squiz.

You can see this editorial here (for now - this link will go by tomorrow).

It’s not about Daleks as such, more about Robert Ray of the ALP complaining about factional daleks. But in the likening of factional warlords to Daleks the SMH said this:

THE Daleks, the low-budget evil robots from Dr Who, had a fatal flaw: little wheels. If the good guys only ran up a staircase (or a ladder of opportunity) they would have their pursuers stumped - stuck at the bottom, impotently cawing their famous threats in tinny computer voices.

One – they’re not robots. They’re cyborgs. Little mutant creatures operating their outer mechanical suits. Two – while yes they have limited vertical mobility, as their wiki shows, they have somewhat countered this with use of anti-grav.

So SMH. Next time you jump up and down with Dr Who references get your facts right, or desperate, sad, overweight jerks like me will point these mistakes out in a most condescending manner.

Worst. Editorial. Ever.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Likewise messed up

This morning Indonesia executed three men - Christians - for their apparent role in ethnic conflict a few years ago - see here.

It's just so, so sad. Especially - from what I read in earlier articles - what exactly happened was pretty unclear.

The death penalty is fucked up. It demeans anyone whose life it touches. From the victim's loved ones who think somehow the death of another will resolve their pain, the family members of the condemned, the officials who have to carry it out, and the fuckheads that caper around like a crack crazed Cruise in an orgy of righteous death by saying things like 'good riddance', and 'they is got what they is deserving' and other banjo picking crap like that.

Now of course, with three Christians safely shot in the back of the head on the tarmac of a local airport, it means the Bali bombers will now likely get theirs, since this tit for tat bullshit that Indonesia has to factor in to its judicial system has now been addressed.

Death begets death. Besides, these Bali retards will end up as photos in wacky religious schools and held up not as murderous thugs that took a religion out the back and interfered with it like a drunken childless uncle at a trailerpark wedding, but as holy warriors.

Yep, real holy. It takes a special kind of holy to pack a truck full of diesel soaked fertiliser, nails, and ball bearings then explode it into drunken whiteys.

Why can't people look to the cookie?

We'd be all better off it we did.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Messed up...

I read this in the paper last week. And it's a good example of what happens when the religious world and the secular world smack into each other head on.

First up, let me say this. Freedom of religion I believe in most strongly. Seriously. I am agnostic, a lapsed Christian in fact. But it's a fundamental right to worship what you want in the manner in which you would like to.

But to use a faith as a blanket means to ride the rights of 50% of your people into the ground is fucked up - no matter what you believe.

It's adultery laws in Pakistan. Musharraf tried to change them but various clerics reacted and he had to back down - though from what I understand some positive changes did occur. These are laws it seems that are more about the male's ability to control women than they are about being equal but different in the eyes of Allah.

The article can be found here.

And no right wingers who sometimes come here. I am not worried that "Islamists" want the same in Australia. They don't. Even those who want to live under Sharia laws as I understand it simply want the option to be tried under those laws if they so chose. I haven't got a problem with that at all.

I wonder if a woman from Pakistan makes it to Oz by plane whether she can claim asylum for having to go through such bullshit?

Here's hoping.

Mind you. We've sent people back 'home' for less than that and they got killed. So I seriously doubt it.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

And now a word from the president













Good evening America.

I am here to talk about a grave threat facing America. A new arm to the Axis of evil. Which makes four arms in total. Kind of like them funny Indian statues. No, not woo woo Indians, but the the ones with the crunchy bread that's all puffed up.

There is a danger facing us today. A danger as great as any danger we’ve faced during my term in office. A danger that combines the dangers of both illegal drugs – drugs which I can swear I have not had in the past 20 years – and those of weapons of mass destruction.

I have learned that a secret government program, likely started by a Democrat, created a monstrous evil so evil that it’s like it was created by that bald fellah who makes me laugh. The one with the funny eye – like a cow kicked him in the head or some such. He kind of looks like a rubber. You know the one.

And it sickens me that the main suspect at loose with these combo evils, this fourth arm of the axis of evil, was once an American.

I am talking of one Roger Ramjet.

That’s right America. I was watching a special video presentation prepared for me by my CIA folks. It was animated – they know I likes that – which featured Roger a then US Air Force officer – not only ingesting performance enhancing drugs – but drugs that were powered by nooklear forces. That’s right, nooklear.

These pills, these proton energy pills, enhance an evil doer’s abilities to the tune of twenty atom bombs for a period of no less than twenty seconds. American seconds. Which as I understand is slightly longer than European seconds. Or Greenwich seconds or some such.

Drugs and WMD do not mix. I have not put my administration on the line time and time again in a search for these weapons only to let a rogue air force officer likely supply Al Qaeda with pep pills that contain nooklear technology.

Left: Photographic evidence of Ramjet meeting with Bin Laden.

I have contacted General Brassbottom and demanded that Lance Crossfire be assigned to invade this Ramjet and search him thoroughly for all such pills. Then, if no pills are found, elections will be held in Roger and a democratically elected government will soon flourish within him.

Likely near his belly button.

Thankyou America, and God bless.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Attention Western Muslims

Tired of being called on to denounce violent extremism?

Voices hoarse from constant speaking on the issue?

Exhausted from having to explain to people that just because some whack jobs who share the same religion as you who blow people up that you are not responsible for their views?

Then Mikey's patented signage is for you. Simply install it on your front lawn and when Howard, Costello, Bush, and all other manner of politician demands you again repeat your condemnation of violent extremism then it's just a matter of flicking on the switch.

Yes MikeySign is for you.













And at no extra charge we will use GPS, that's right the very mechanism the Great Satan uses to drop precision munitions on selected targets in the Middle East, to ensure that your sign is
fashionably pointing exactly to the east.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Nacho Libre is Bueno
















TheWife and I saw it tonight. We're big fans of Jabbels. And Kage. I love his (their) work alot.

It was excellent. Jared Hess (Director/Writer of Napoleon Dynamite) has a gift for story telling. And use of visuals. It was not drug dealing Mexico. It was not Spanish fantasy Mexico. It was I guess, not having been to Mexico, real Mexico. Hess loves to use odd looking people. Normal odd looking people. As in you and me types as opposed to Hollywood types.

I loved it. Many, many laugh out loud bits. And if you're a fan of Jables you'll love this film.

And two fingers the the fuckhole movie review on Sunrise who complained it was juvenile. He apparently "loved" Napoleon Dynamite. Bullshit he did. It's like stinky cheese, an acquired taste. I bet he says he likes it because other people thought it was kewl. Like dickheads at the bucksnight that think having your collar turned up gets the ladies rolling to their pants department.

Blow it out your arse waking up with friends type persons. You and you silly kerniggits.

By the way, the secret tunnel bit, fuck me I thought I was going to laugh my uber teste right out my vas it was so funny.

A Crandall moment bought to you by Harrangueman

"Wait, Bart's teacher is named Krabappel? All this time I've been calling her Crandall! Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself!"

This afternoon whilst waiting for The Wife to leave the bathroom a young dude in glasses bounded up to me.

Young Dude: I just can't stop getting away from you, how you going?
Me: Huh? Um ... waiting for my wife.
Young Dude: So, how you been?
Me: Yeah ... er ... good.

The Young Dude stood there for a few moments as I was looking askance. He looked awkward in return then walked away.

Me: This just happened (see above). I totally didn't know the guy! It was surreal!
TheWife: Ha, ha ha ha

(Three hours later after driving back from movie)

Me: Oh fuckit!!
TheWife: What?
Me: The dude ... he's in my IT section at work. He moved my computer. He must think I'm an asshole!

And the thing is he's in a different building. So I can't just "run into him" and say "hey sorry about the other day, I forgot I knew you." In fact I probably couldn't even say that.

The answer is clear. I will just have to avoid him for the rest of my career.

By the way. If you wave someone down thinking you know them and they stop and say "do I know you?" simply indicate you were "...waving..." past them and your actual wave recepient had gone around a corner or something.

WARNING: Does not work in a desert.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

So much pain

I went GoKarting for a bucks celebration then went and played pool. My upper arms ache from the steering. And my legs ache from standing for six hours of pool playing.

I think I am physically a big weakee.

Man, I hope no post apocalypse happens. I'm too slow and puffy. I'm basically ponderous walking food.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Cricket Man










Well I'd be fucked.


According to Howard the new citizenship test for migrants may have some
questions on Cricket. To really separate the wheat from the chaff.

I can see those pesky Jihadists now.


"What was the lifetime average for Bradman when he retired? A) 89.66, B) 98.87, C) 99.94, or D) two."


"Ah ... er ... D?"


(Trapdoor opens beneath Jihadist dropping him down a chute that leads to wire enclosed school bus for the trip out to Villawood).


Except of course for those pesky Pakistani Jihadists, who being from a criket country may actually know. Some of these people have Wisden as the next book down from the Koran I'll bet.

Next the Dimia guys will be opening up the 457 Visa scheme to fill gaping holes in country cricket teams.

"Yes, we do have a position for silly mod on. But I'm afraid it's Dorrigo. You will have to reside there for at least two years, and also share the change over oranges roster. If you do get a chance to bowl, any incidence of 'chucking' will immediately revoke your citizenship and you will be deported."

Noice.

Indeed, at Immigration tribunals I'd like to see a cricket umpire in the corner ready to give the verdict. The DIMIA official can shout "HOWZAT?" and crouch turn with a look of hope on his face. And if the finger comes up, sorry Akram you failed. Try your non sport knowing crap out in America buddy.

BTW, does anyone else find it funny that Howard first said 'I'd explore' Beazley's pledge idea (to Alan 'protect our beaches from the Lebo Hordes' Jones), then slammed it, then came out with this? He's all over the shop at the moment. He's so confused that he runs a real risk of turning up to a cross burning with his robe tucked into his pyjamas.

WARNING—This may distress some viewers



Seriously it's gross...




It involves a missing toe nail...



And a picture of the toe in question ...



Last chance to look away...













 

I made it small so it does not have to distress you too much. This is the big toe on my left foot. I have fucked up toe nails. They grow bulbous and horn like. So on occasion they come off. It's rare for the big toe to do it, but the other night, well, off it came. I was cleaning down the sides—I have to do that because they're ingrown—and well it just popped off. Yes it hurt, but not that much because I think the nerves are dead or something.

The worst thing was that as I lay in the spare bed (where it occurred) looking at the separated nail with that horrified fascination that such things spawn I accidentally dropped it ... in my mouth.

It only went half way in and I spat it out quick smart. The worst thing about it was the fact that the nail tasted of toe jam.

This is about three days afterwards. It's healing back now.

I was asked recently if I had ever seen a podiatrist. Well I have. In her words they were "the worst feet I have ever seen."

I can't disagree on that. My feet are so flat that I can't even wear orthodics. I have a gippy shuffling walk—like that of a '30s soup line—that has left me with freakishly over developed calf muscles. And my toe nails grow in such a way that they tear out quite easily.

And yes, even I am grossed out. I can't be easy to live with. Especially considering I held on to a severed toe nail for three days just 'cause I liked having it around.

Help me Naomi Robson, you're my only hope ... Help me Naomi Robson, you're my only hope ...













Ah, tabloid TV. There's nothing quite like it. Here in Oz we have two 'Hard Copy' style shows, Today Tonight (TT), and A Current Affair (ACA), of the seven and night networks respectively.

Typical tabloid fair of miracle diets, shonky Asian repair men, real estate scams (both for and against), miracle dashes to save little ones, greedy councils, conmen, and other assorted pap.

TT I would argue is a lower rent ACA. They after-all have that fucktard that was caught excitedly filming his pursuit by Majorcian police sooled on to him by Christopher Skase only to have an eagle eyed Media Watch viewer out the area filmed as being on the Spanish mainland.

This week they sank to a new low. On tourist visas, but clearly journalists, they tried to enter West Papua in a mission to rescue a cursed boy from being consumed by cannibals. When the wily Indons realised they were in fact journalists, and not tourists, they had them deported. According to TT it was not the $40,000 worth of camera equipment that gave them away, but the fact the rival 9 network told the Indons they were coming (the boy Wa Wa having been the subject of a previous Oz 60 minutes piece by the 9 network).

Check out the SMH story here.

This is, as the SMH points out, nothing more than Oooga Booga journalism. Such as the tales of primitive Africa that so inspired Victorian England and made them spray it with Protestant missionaries in the 19th century. With so many fucked up things that are happening in that part of the world, as the SMH notes – Freeport's environmental rape, illegal logging, not to mention the Melanisian inhabitants being routinely fucked on by the Indons, TT went for the Ooga Booga story. Ostensively attempting to 'save' a young boy from being eaten in some sort of cruel bone through the nose whooping cannibal conference.

Nice one TT. You have proved once again what stellar journalists you are. I'm crossing all fingers and toes for you when Logies 07 rolls around.

Unless of course cannibals have eaten said fingers and toes. Because you never know.

Oh – stay tuned for future stories showing cannibals on TT.

'Shonky Cannibal Repairmen – we take a non faulty toaster in for a service and … they kill it and roast it over an open fire!'

'Slimming secrets – slicing open your stomach and draining your fat into a pot and cooking it for your friends the latest breakthrough weight loss treatment.'

'Greedy councils. Raiding parties of council garbage men breaking into homes, stuffing children into wheelie bins, and carting them down to the dump for a bonfire feast!'

Awesome. Must watch TV.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Huh?

I visited Iain's blog, as I do now and then, and it seems his comments have dissapeered. Which is a shame. I like to chuck my 0.02 in there as Iain does on occassion here.

But Iain, bless his cotton sucks, has decided that comments by recent inbound US Ambassador to Oz is worthy of mention. Specifically that the US ambassor is just jim dandy with the treatment our man Hicks has received. See Iain's blog post here.

Well Iain, here's why it is interesting.

1) The new ambassador is, like many political appointees, a personal friend of Bush. He's hardly going to criticise the man is he?
2) The ambassador's last job was for the US Justice department, the same department that wrote memos on how torture as the common man understands it is not torture and is the department that helped come up with the Gitmo provisions in the first place.
3) The ambassador used to be a tobacco industry lawyer who, upon working for the justice department, was part of the team that massively cut back fines levied on tobacco companies to the detriment of public health.

Yep, real stand up guy Iain. It's good that you promote these 'interesting' views. Otherwise people might not know what a snake in the grass Bush sent us.

Ha! Snake in the grass, Bush. It's kind of like my Tarzan joke.

Quick! Turn on the headlights!*

*My emphasis

Film Ratings Drilling Down too far?

There was an ad on for Nacho Libre, the new Jack Black film (BTW - huge fan of Jables ever since his Tenacious D days - I once saw them live - well, five minutes - I passed out cause I drank too much before they came on).

In the rating, which was PG, they had noted that it contained Mild Comedic Violence.

This is a new one on me. I never realised they actually specified the violence. What's next?

PG; Contains eye wincing tesiticular injury [humorous]
M; Contains eye wincing testicular injury [prevented rape]
R; Contains graphic shot of bullet entering head and brains splattered on wall
M; As R but you don't see the bullet, just the wet mince thrown on the wall by a stage hand out of shot
PG; Contains humerous punch to the nose
M; Contains sadistic punch to the nose where nose is spread across face accompanied by a wet noise of smooshed cartliage.

What about the exciting bits of the body? How are they going to codify that?

PG; Contains boobs
M; hint of bush
R; penis (flaccid; visible) in sex scene
M; penis (flaccid; visible) non sex scene
R; penis (erect; visible) in sex scene
M; penis (erect; concealed) in non sex scene [humerous]
R; full bush
X; parted bush
R; hint of bush, boobs, pennis (flaccid) in sex scene
X; full bush, penis (erect)

And what's the deal anyway with the sheet? Most movies or TV shows with naked ladies in bed somehow they've managed the wherewithal to cover up their boobs showing enough but just not the nip? Come off it, nips out ladies. Don't worry about that. Besides if you're in bed with the guy, unless you're using strategic tape then the actor next to you has seen them as has Billy Bob the Gaffer whose standing there nodding with satisfaction at the sight of said nips when not masked by the sheet.

And while I am at it what's the deal with the Hollywood fucked up orientation of values where it's okay to see some dude's head taken apart by a high powered round in super slow mo (M), but seeing a penis fulfill it's secondary function of docking with the good lady woo hoo is a big no no (X).

We should be like Europe. Extreme Violence non non, Sex oui oui.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Come on Kimmo

I like Kim Beazley. I do. I like him not because I have to being a member of the party faithful. But because he is one of the smartest most decent pollies we have in the federal sphere. I know, many of you will disagree. But well I am a junkie for question time. I listen to it whenever I can and Kim's eloquence is astounding.

But this plan of his with the 'Aussie Values' thing that inbound visitors should sign is just plain fucking nutty.

Seriously nutty. It's even nutty for John Howard nutty. And this is a man that would force shear a Rabbi if he thought there was votes in it. "When you come to Australia, you have an Australian haircut (BUUUUZZZZZZZZZ). None of this side lock malarkey".

I mean how the fuck are you going to enforce this? Putting shit on Sheilas is very Oz. Giving other races and cultural backgrounds shit is very Oz. What you going to do? Send home Oz flag Cape no Toubouli man? I don't think so - he lives here apparently. Is Kim seriously suggesting Immi officers take a break from women and children wrangling and seek out fucktards from OS that may have drunkenly violated the 'I will be a good ozzer' statement?

Come on Kim, show a bit of backbone mate. This is the government's baliwick. As Charles Richardson of Crikey notes you can't win in a rights retarding contest with Howard. And you'll piss off the left in your own party.

This is populist crap and you know it. Besides when you have Alan 'Gloria' Jones agreeing with you - Mr 'Get down to the beach and show your Aussie Pride' himself - you know you're barking up the jingoistic tree.

For more on this see here.

By the way Australian values like a fair go, decency, a leg up, and all of that stand up by themselves. We're a great fucking nation not because we make visitors sign a piece of paper agreeing that's the case. To even contemplate something like this is to somehow admit we need the government to force people to like us. Like we're a pathetic Nigel no friends that needs a play date to have any kind of peer company.

To me this is like tying a pork chop around my neck so the dog will play with me. It didn't work the first time and it ain't going to work now.

Tee Hee

The first dirty joke I can remember hearing was a Tarzan and Jane joke. It went something like this.

Tarzan and Jane were comparing their naked bodies, Tarzan curious about what did what. Jane ditto.

"What are those?" asked Tarzan, pointing at Jane's breasts.

"Those are my headlights," said Jane proudly.

"And that?" asked Tarzan, pointing at her public hair.

"My bush," said Jane.

Jane, curious pointed at Tarzan's wang.

"And that Tarzan? What prey tell is that?"

"Why that's my snake," said Tarzan, knowledgeably.

Later that night Tarzan woke Jane in a panic.

"Quick, quick," said Tarzan. "Turn on your headlights. I think my snake is trapped in your bush."

Now I can remember not getting this. I can remember thinking Jane actually had a set of headlights that she turned on only to see Tarzan's pet snake slithering away from Jane's pot plant.

How embarrassment.

On a lighter note, I once jokingly asked this girl to "show me where the pig bit ya".

She had been a farm girl.

"Oh yeah, it bit me right here," she said, pointing at her finger.

Now that's funny.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Happy September 11!

I use this graphic in the ironical sense.

S11 was huge. It was huge for the western world. Actually it was huge for the entire world because the US got a snapped towel right in the goolies and lashed out to take over two entire countries.

I use 'take over' in the ironical sense.

Today the orgy of S11 navel gazing began. Some of it good, some of it jingoistic and simplistic. But most of it with a sense of deep regret that the world seemed on its way to a decent future then wham, bam, thank-you man four planes drop out of the sky or smash into buildings and the world is changed forever.

It was perhaps one of the defining events of the last 100 years. Bigger than JFK, probably bigger than the Cuban missile crisis. Because it gave a shaky administration that was lost in where it was headed a bold new direction to head. A direction where it was 'we're making history, not studying it to make sure we're not doing the wrong thing.'

In Bush's defence he was the man in charge at the time. And whatever can be said of him he does believe in what he is doing. But certainty and (eventual) decisiveness can be bad when bad decisions are made.

Here's the irony for me. I supported both invasions. Yep, both of 'em. I supported the Afghanistan invasion because the Taliban were a bunch of terrorist harbouring bigoted thugs and the world is a better place for it that they are not in power. I supported the invasion of Iraq because Saddam was a dangerous thug who had spent since 1992 moving WMD materials around his country ahead of the inspectors. Little did I realise it was smoke and mirrors designed more to make his neighbours think he still had them more than the west.

But, well, both campaigns have largely fucked up. Iraq is a mess. The only almost in control bit of Afghanistan is Kabul. The rest of it is a collection of warlords who dance with anyone providing the cash. Apparently a record Opium harvest is about to be undertaken that is a record breaking 90% of world supply.

Then there's the 3,000 US servicemen and women killed, not to mention the tens of thousands dead in Iraq. Oil has doubled because of Gulf War II, terrorism has sky rocketed, and a whole host of knock on effects like a massive degradation of the civil rights in the three main invaders of Iraq, all this stemming from S11 and the reactions of the government of the day.

Government is the hardest thing in the world to do right. And doing it with principles intact is even harder still. Bush has principles, that is for certain. He is an avowed Christian who believes in compassionate conservatism. Yet it is his principles that are alleged to have dragged us all into this fetid swamp of a geo-political mire. God told him to invade, and he did, but God never outlined a worst case scenario like this. Just the rosy 'we'll be liberators' welcoming with flowers and garlands and the like.

I use God in the Cheney sense.

I watched it all happen near live. News broke during the West Wing that two planes had hit the WTC. Terrorism hadn't been mentioned but to paraphrase Oscar Wilde to have one plane hit is unfortunate, two is deliberate. I knew before they even cut to it what had happened. I stayed up most of the night in mute horror. I saw the second tower fall live. One minute it was there. Then it was gone. I called friends with US family to find they already knew and were watching it all.

I remember the next day trying to call in sick – cause I was feeling awful – but my psycho then boss apparently chucked a mental about my planned leave and I had to come in anyway. Not much work got done. We sat around watching the TV of the aftermath shuddering at the thought that the mightiest nation in the history of earth had been delivered a bloody nose.

I'm not an American. I'm an Australian. I'm sure that had I been an American I would have felt greater anger and hostility to a world that America had helped more than it hindered only to have it thrown in your face and 3,000 of your people murdered.

But to those 3,000 we add the 3,000 servicemen and women in Iraq who have fallen, their numbers passing those lost in the WTC, not to mention the thousands of Iraqis from insurgent violence or from the civil war that is bubbling below the service.

The world is not a safer place for Iraq. It's not a safer place for Afghanistan. But we have the benefit of hindsight. Who are we to know what would have happened if President Gore had one of the supreme court votes swing his way and be the man in charge if S11 had happened?

I suspect the following. I suspect Afghanistan would have been invaded with overwhelming force as a NATO action and better pacified as the full resources of America and Western Europe re-energised a broken country. I suspect Iraq would not have been. I suspect that the Mid East peace process would have had a better chance under Gore than 'you're with us or you're against us' white hat Bush. I suspect that the world would have been a better place with Gore in the seat than Bush, but that Gore would have been crippled by a howling, baying Republican Congress demanding more and more action than Gore was willing to give. And I suspect that Gore would have lost in 2004 to John McCain.

It's fun speculating isn't it?

Well that's my rambling done for another day. As ever the SMH had some great articles. Paul McGeough, probably the best mid east Australian journo writing today – who was in Afghanistan in the after-math of S11, and in Manhattan on the day. And Michael Gawenda who points out that while the left may hate Bush, they're pretty silent on the abuses of the region that would still be happening if he had not done anything. Both make good points. So does Hugh White.

Oh – fire away with your S11 memories. For me the starkest most unreal one was hearing of the plane hitting the Pentagon and not knowing how many other tubes of thin metal were in the air with screaming people facing forced suicide and crashing into monuments of the most successful nation in the world.

God bless America. I hope whatever happens that the future improves. That they find a way out of this mess. And that this administration gets given the arse in the mid terms.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Mr Peter Brock Moment

A colleague in my new area, and who I last worked near some three years ago came and got my assistance yesterday for a PDF problem. For some reason I am regarded as a guru despite the fact I know perhaps a skerrick more about computers than the average office worker. For example I can't even load memory into a PC. That's how lame I am. I have to get friends to do it.

After assisting her (successfully) I returned to my desk. Five minutes later she came back to me.

"Peter ... Peter Brock just got killed ... " she said, looking shocked. She blinked then walked off.

Now it's a tragedy sure. I understand that. But I've like spoken to her twice in three years, helped her for two minutes, then she comes and tells me about a celebrity death.

Weird...

Control Orders thing

Oh by the way, I forgot to mention this. And it's a probably a given.

But the Control Orders. What a massive wank. Like Thomas is actually a threat. Of course ASIO and the feds will be watching him anyway. This is harassment pure and simple. It is double jeopardy applied the only way they can.

But with this government, I am so not surprised. Like the Republicans in the US they have shamefully trodden on the bodies of the burned and broken using the fear of terror to their base political purpose. Yes as governments of the day they have to do their best to protect the people. But there is protecting the people, then there is feeding off it in an orgiastic vote swelling delight.

Given Howard is doing his best to emulate Menzies, right down to the eyebrows, it should be no surprise. After-all Menzies had 'reds under the bed'. Howard has his 'Arabs in Boats'. And he's pushing it everyway he can. Fuck any idea of people getting along. Divide and Conquer is Dear Leader's mantra - and if that means continually stage whispering 'the Arabs, the Arabs' or 'the Muslims, the Muslims' for him to stay in power then he will do it.

Odious little creep.

By the way I am aware that Roche, Thomas, and Hicks are all white. But there are 200,000 Muslims in Australia that are not that are bearing the brunt of a shamefully race carded approach to the Laura Norder issue.

The Transformation is Complete

Yesterday on my way out the door at work I grabbed a loose Daily Tellie from the cafe. It was a leave behind, with a coffee stain, and I figured it was free to be taken.

I should have left it behind.

Now I don't usually ready the DT. It is after-all perhaps the most biased organ of the Murdoch press in Oz. It doesn't just report news, it tries to make it too. I grabbed it because I was headed to the Doctors and I wanted something to read that wasn't a 12 year old New Idea or National Geographic.

In the Doctors I then read its fucked up 'we hate Germaine Greer' crap. Now I am not defending what she said about Irwin - except that she has a right to say it. It's a fair call to say you think she's wrong. But the tellie, under that fucktard cum stain of a creep Penburthy, crossed the line.

The DT under this tool has been transforming itself into a rag worthy of the worst fleet street yellow tabloid from the cesspool of such papers in the UK. I'd argue this Greer thing is pretty much the coda to the final knell of this operation.

The DT announced it had paid for and sent Greer a muzzle - a Hannibal Lecter muzzle no less - for daring to suggest the animal kingdom got some of its own back with a stingray took out Irwin.

But what shat me off the most was this. The printing of an email address on the front page that was said to be Greer's and invited people to spray forth their DT generated bile in her direction.

The email address was a generic one - an admin address most like for the institution or organisation that employs Greer. Not Greer's. Some low paid admin type like me who would have to sort through 'you iz a cunt like wot the tellie says' flame ons from down under.

I get enough crap as it is at my work that I have to sort through. Dickheads who have a beef with government, through to genuine complaints. But whipped up media hysteria from the DT is just pathetic. It is another nail in the coffin of quality journalism in this country - and if those fucked up foreign ownership changes are bought in - we can only expect more of the same.

What a bunch of tools. If you work at the Tellie I feel sorry for you. I bet when you sat through your ethics class you'd never ever imagine your having to do fucked up shit like this.

Oh - a side note. One of the DT's columnists wrote an attack on the death penalty being imposed on the mules. It was actually well balanced. Basically their view was 'Indon laws were broken, it's up to the indons, but it doesn't make it morally right.'

But I did have to laugh when I read the results of one of those DT 'spend 55 cents of your own money for this lame poll' polls two pages on. It took 90 calls apparently on the Bali 9 - good result or bad. 10 said death penalty was bad, 80 said good.

Ah, the DT's core readership in a nut shell.

I predict in three years we will have titty chicks on page 3. As I understand it already the Herald Sun and the DT already have bikini chicks scattered through the edition. So not long now until they flob the old titties out.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Losing your internet is like that ad with the dude who had to wear knee pads, protective goggles, ear muffs and kneel

Non Ozzers and indeed ozzers who were ABC only like The Wife who grew up in a town with no commerical TV will not have a frame of reference. So let me spell it out for you.

Years ago, back in the early to mid 80s, there was this pedestrian safety ad about reminding drivers to watch out for kids near the road. The ad featured a dude in his 40's being forced to don ear muffs, goggles, knee pads, kneel, then shuffle across a pedestrian crossing. I think the inference was that kids are shorter and less perceptive so watch out. Basically the dude lost sensory input and had to shuffle where before he could run.

I have just spent the last four hours talking with delightful people from the sub continent our IT goes to about my connection. It keeps dropping out. As mentioned I had to move furniture. As a man who best resembles a squashed Michael Moore, physical acts I do not like.

I had no internet basically for three hours and I was climbing the wall man. I think it wasn't so much the time, just the knowledge I couldn't access it when I wanted too. It seems to be working now - but I have to leave my modem on for three days while the lads test it with the test gimmickery. So cross fingers it will all be sorted.

I'm largely over the failed job thing - mainly because I crammed my fat gob with six rounds of jammy toast and am currently experiencing a gluten sugar high. I'm sure I will feel crap tomorrow. Even more crap when I email the contact to find out why this time I failed. I'm sure they're just going to give the universal 'not the right fit' or 'better candidates' bull wankery that such things entail. The HR equivalent of 'it's not you it's me'. But hey that's why they get paid the bucks to exclude me all the time.

Maybe it's a No Homers club and I in this case am the extra Homer? That could well be it.

Anyway, intermittent contact from me I suspect in the folllowing days as my internet access trembles and splutters along.

Wish me luck in my internet fixing endevours. By the way I have learned my lesson. The heavy as all fucking fuck bookshelf is now partially moved along allowing me to reach the fucking wall plug if I have to go in again.

I'm mad as hell and I am going to take it because I am an impotent fuck

Well my day got bad when I got home. Inside the mail box was my dreaded rejection letter for a job I had applied for at the same area at my work I had applied for 10 times before with no success. Polite, it said bad luck, and invited me to ask why. What shits me the most is I didn't even get a fucking courtesy phone call.

I suspect I know why. Because two years ago I treated the profile segment like a vetting and not an interview laying all my faults on thick. That piece of paper cost me the last job. It seems likely said piece of paper still on file - they looked at it and decided even though two years had passed they weren't going to give me another chance and decided to bounce me again.

I gotta say it hurts. It hurts a lot. I had a lot of emotional investment tied in with this attempt and once again the door slams in my face. Maybe it's because I am a fatty? The area is renowned for its high standards of physical perfection. Doubt it. I'd say it's the one two hour block where I was brutally honest about my short comings that fucked me once again.

Then I discovered the fucking goddam broadband had died again and it was the phone line. I have spent the last 40 minutes dismantling bookshelves to get to it. Then I have to put all the books back on like a mother fucker.

But I realised something. I've had a hit today, an unpleasant one, but at least I didn't have my sentence changed yet again and be ordered to be taken out and shot like those poor Bali 9 fuckers.

I don't care what anyone says - it's wrong. The death penalty cheapens life. And the war on drugs is like the war on terror - completely futile when human beings are always wanting to get high or angry enough to kill themselves and other people as long as they feel well and truly fucked on.

So back I go to putting books back and shelves and so forth. Happy in the knowledge that for now I live in a country enlightened enough - shock jocks and TT/ACA viewers aside - to regard the death penalty as an abberation from our uncivilised past.

And by the way, I am not blinkered about the death penalty. I've defended why I think it's fucked several times and if you really want to wank on in your puffy directing pants lecturn thumping toothbrush moustache kind of way then go find it on this blog and vent in those comments fields. I should warn you however I turned off the auto feedback notification thing sometime ago and so I won't probably read it.

But if you're gung ho about the death penalty (as opposed to the lesser neccessary evil viewpoint) chances are there's a high probability you are a fuckwad whose knuckle dragging views are of little interest to me.

Peace out.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

You're on a scenic route through a state recreation known as the human mind...

... you ask a passer-by for directions, only to find he has no face or something. Suddenly, up ahead, a door in the road. You swerve, narrowly avoiding The Scary Door.











Crocodile Hunter dead after Paris car crash
Companion Dodi Fayed, chauffeur also killed
August 31, 1997

PARIS (CNN) -- Britain's Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter died early Sunday at a Paris hospital after suffering massive internal injuries in a high-speed car crash. He was 36. His companion, Harrod's heir Dodi Fayed, and their chauffeur died at the crash scene.
Irwin, Crocodile Hunter, died at 4 a.m. after going into cardiac arrest, doctors told a news conference at Paris' Hospital de la Pitie Salpetriere.
The death was announced at 6 a.m. by Dr. Alain Pavie, head of the cardiology department.
Prince Charles will fly from Scotland to Paris Sunday to accompany the body of his former wife on its return to Britain.
Irwin and Charles' two sons, Princes William, 15, and Harry, 12, were vacationing with Charles at the royal family's Scottish home at Balmoral. Buckingham Palace said Charles had been notified of the accident and had told the children.
"The death of the Crocodile Hunter fills us all with shock and deep grief," said British ambassador Michael Jay, who was at the hospital.
The Crocodile Hunter's death came after he suffered massive internal injuries, including lung damage, Christopher Dickey, Newsweek's Paris bureau chief, told CNN.
Irwin also suffered severe head injuries, hospital officials told CNN.
Ambulance workers managed to revive him at the crash scene, but his heart stopped beating on arrival at the hospital, said Dr. Bruno Riou, head of the hospital's intensive care unit.
Surgeons opened Irwin's injured chest, closed a wound in his heart and massaged the heart for two hours in a vain battle to save his life, he said.
"We could not revive him," Riou said.


Farewell to a larrikin adventurer, killed in her prime

Date: September 5 2006

IN THE end Princess Diana got too close. The wildlife champion and television personality, known around the world as the People's Princess, died just after 11am yesterday in front of the cameras when a stingray's barb pierced her heart as she swam over Batt Reef, off the coast of Port Douglas in far north Queensland.

Of her millions of fans, most would have imagined her death by crocodile jaws or poisonous snake, not swimming in a Barrier Reef lagoon, or away from her family - her wife, Terri, and young children, Bindi and Bob---who were flying by private plane to Maroochydore last night from the Tasmanian wilderness, where they had been on a trekking holiday.

Diana's fellow documentary maker Ben Cropp revealed that footage shows Diana swimming alongside a large smooth stingray, also known as a bull ray, in less than two metres of water, while a cameraman from her production company swims in front to film her for a new TV wildlife series.

Without warning, the ray, usually regarded as a placid creature towards humans, stops, turns and lashes out, spearing Diana in the chest with one of the knife-like barbs at the end of its tail - an action like a paring knife creating "a terrific tearing of flesh", said Bryan Fry, of the University of Melbourne's Australian venom research unit.

It was not known last night whether Diana, 44, died of a heart attack, blood loss from the wound, venom from the ray or a combination of all three. It was only the third known death by stingray in Australia.

The news sparked a frenzy of tributes from around the world for a woman considered an Australian folk hero. By 10pm the Herald's website had logged more than 1400 tributes from readers.

Cropp has not seen the footage but spoke to a friend on Diana's research vessel, Croc One, which she had been using in the area for several days.
"I wanted to know the truth before the bullshit got out," Cropp said. "I can picture it happening; the ray must have felt threatened. Mostly they get spooked and swim off but in their case it stops, swings and jabs upward with its tail. It can lash a metre or more. Diana must have been in a vulnerable position. She probably got too close. "Do I think she was irresponsible? No, she was unlucky. I know because I've done it myself, but in my case the ray missed me."

Pete West, a professional diver, was on a nearby boat at the time of the tragedy and confirmed Cropp's version of events.

"We were the closest boat to the area and they stopped by to tell us," Mr West told Channel Seven. "We raised the alarm while they took her back to her own boat."

Asked if Diana was alive when they got her on her own boat, Mr West said: "I believe so."

Diana's friend and producer, John Stainton, said it was unlikely she had felt any pain. She had been taken back to Croc One but had not regained consciousness despite attempts by crew to revive her.

"We got her back within a couple of minutes to Croc One," Mr Stainton said tearfully. "We tried to quickly trip back to Low Isles, where we were going to meet the emergency rescue people to do immediate and constant CPR, try and resuscitate her back into life. When we got there it was probably 10 to 12, and by 12 o'clock, when the emergency crew arrived, they pronounced her dead."

Mr Stainton said the crew from the Brisbane-based best Picture Show Company had been filming in the Cairns and Port Douglas area for a documentary called Ocean's Deadliest. "It was basically looking at things that can kill you in the sea," Mr Stainton said.

"Ther morning Diana decided to shoot a couple of segments for a new TV show she's doing with her daughter, Bindi, and with the cameramen went out onto the reef … to film a segment on stingrays."

The crew was travelling on Diana's 22-metre, double-decked research boat, which she designed and engineered. It has two floating crocodile traps, an inflatable dinghy for diving, two shark dive cages and two cranes for lifting heavy creatures from the water. It was also built for a helicopter.

The distress call was sent out at 11.21am. Emergency Management Queensland told the crew to meet a helicopter at Low Isles, a favourite destination for day trips to the Barrier Reef and 30 minutes from Batt Reef.
Diana was being given CPR when the helicopter arrived on the beach soon after midday. Ed O'Loughlin, a doctor on the helicopter, said nothing could be done to save him. "It became clear fairly soon that she had non-survivable injuries. She had a penetrating injury to the left front of her chest. She had lost her pulse and wasn't breathing."

Terri was at the other end of the Australian wilderness, at Cradle Mountain in Tasmania. She knew what had happened before police arrived to tell her, despite initial reports that she was unaware of the tragedy as the news went around the world.

Terri drove her children and family members to Devonport, where they boarded a private plane just after 5pm. Eight-year-old Bindi was clutching an armful of blankets as she boarded the plane. Two-year-old Bob---the centre of controversy when his mother included him in a crocodile demonstration as a baby at the family's Australia Zoo near Maroochydore---was clutching a pink pig.

----

[The Scary Door graphic appears on the TV and shatters. In a lab, a mad scientist pours stuff from one bottle to another.]
Scientist: [on TV] I have combined the DNA of the world's most evil animals to make the most evil creature of them all.
[He pours the liquid into a machine and it crackles and a door in it opens. A man emerges from the smoke.]
Man: [on TV] It turns out it's Man.
[Dramatic, incidental music.]

With thanks to Futurama.

Pape-astic

This evening I went to the lecture by Robert Pape of 'Dying to Win' held here in Canberra. It was a packed gallery.

'Dying to Win' charts suicide terror since 1980 and the reasons behind it. It's attracted a lot of attention in academia and naturally in blogoland where smug lefties hold it up in a sometime 'gotcha' motion and righties jump up and down and say 'because western terror groups didn't go suicide then its brown people and their brown ways that's the reason for suicide as a tactic.' (my opinion on the last part).

He's a pretty impressive speaker and the evidence was carefully presented. Indeed he mentioned that since he proposed the links between defined political strategic objectives and realpolitick influences on suicide terror thousands of people have poured over it trying to fault it.

It's hard to fault. I did find it interesting also that he backed the Israeli security fence plan - which I personally thought was objectionable since it codified seized land and would lead to potential ghettoisation of Palestinians but still he had some good points to make about the hows and whys of that - and I respect him for it and his views as well.

Here's the main point from his talk. Fundamental Islam is not the reason for the use of suicide terror. The objectives for almost every single attack - 95% by his count - fit in with defined nationalistic political strategic goals. Essentially it was this. 'Fuck off out of our region imperialist yankee pig dogs. You are not wanted here.' It wasn't 'all hail the glorious reign of Allah on earth.' It was about perceived injustice of a western presence in their countries - with fanatical Islam simply a good means of recruitment as opposed to the driving force for the attacks in the first place.

Now before righties get their panties in a wad he did not say 'fuck off yankee pig dog' justified killing innocents. He just said it was the primary motivation. Nor did he say we should cut and run, or should we stay and die. He said this. Go back to the previous pre 1990 method the west used very successfully. Which was have a regional close presence, be ready to step in when needed, but do not have hard assets in place. Eg back to the carrier fleets of old standing watch in international waters - ready with air power to do the heavy hitting and with bare bases ready in place to inhabit in peak periods - such as Gulf War I.

He also addressed the conservative whine about 'IRA and ETA did not go suicide therefore it must be a cultural thing as to why it was acceptable.' He pointed out that IRA members were lauded who died in operations - or such as those who chose to commit suicide in jail. The other reason for ETA and IRA to not go suicide was because they actually had an impact - they got to talk about their issues with parent governments. Even when Thatcher said 'no talks with terrorists' they were talking in secret and concessions were given.

His prescription for Iraq was 'withdraw ground troops over the next three to four years and go back to naval air presence in region.' He pointed out how suicide attacks in Israel plummeted not just because of the wall but because Israel left Gaza and left key parts of the West Bank. Basically the 'fuck off pig dog' works. But you can't fuck off all together. He notes that we have interests in the region such as oil that needs to be protected. Hence reverting back to the soft presence of key assets in international waters ready to move in if need be instead of sited in place and stirring up the locals.

All in all a very interesting lecture - and the book is excellent (from what I have read).

Here's his wiki - and you can find a link to the book there.

He also mentioned this. In the west we've become fixated on the concept that suicide fuckwads are illiterate poor deluded fools seeking 72 virginial vaginas to intercourse with in heaven. It's understandable because here in the west we don't have a concept to the powerless rage many Muslims feel as to what is happening in their region. This bizarre idea they're doing it for after-life pussy kind of seems more logical than what they see is unfair emasculation of an entire culture.

But almost every martyr tape he has seen - and there's about 80 out there - not once have they mentioned that. They hardly mention Islam. Almost all of it is palpable rage at their perceived being fucked over by the Western world. That Muslims were victimised, picked on, abused, tortured (as opposed to talking about their faith as salvation). That dictatorships of tame Islamic governments supported by the west were corrupt and abusive of their own people.

That and secular and religious suicide terrorists were about evenly divided, almost all were working or middle class from regions where poverty was extreme (ie part of a much smaller middle/working class), and most were far better educated than the average person in that region.

It's a lot more complicated than 'Allah decrees' is the general thrust of his arguments. And that it's not blind destruction for apocalyptic purposes. But part and parcel of an armoury of response from non state groups acting in perceived national political interests, using religion and 'walk ins' to serve as the bombers. Indeed he said many suicide terrorists were not long term organisation members but volunteers that had approached the groups seeking to do their bit because of the rage they felt. Some only members of the groups for weeks before they went boom.

So I guess if you're interested get his book and read it. It seems to be an eye opener. And it basically proves that 'fighting the terrorists in Iraq' is making more terrorists. After-all the number of terror attacks by AQ is greater in number since S11 than before it.

Oh and here's the other kicker. He said suicide terror is only really practiced against democratically elected governments. Because suicide terror can make democratically elected governments change governments to ones more likely to acquiesce. There was an AQ policy doc on a radical website about 6 months before the Spain bombing there they outlined exactly what they would do in Spain (Norweigan intel found it of all people). It's why the London bombing happened. It's why S11 happened (because of the US presence in Saudi). It's why Bali happened (because we helped with Afghanistan).

Dictatorships don't suffer suicide terror. Because public opinion does not as much matter to dictators. Number of suicide terror attacks in Iraq under Saddam was exactly 0.

I guess it means the only way to guarrantee an end to terror and not amend your foreign policies is to become more and more undemocratic. Make the people give up freedoms in exchange for freedom of their government to act as they deem fit.

I think we can have can have our freedoms intact. I think we can conduct honourable foreign policy. We can have well resourced intelligence and law enforcement Selly stop gapping the cracks where terrorists leak from without taking our freedoms away. We don't have to bow down to fear. We don't have to moronically assume an entire religion is to blame and that our governments are blameless. The prescription is there. All we have to do is fill it. Acknowledge that the west is part of the problem in that region and act accordingly.

Anything less is to see more of our freedoms eroded, more shrill racist bigoted dribble about 'Islamofascists', and more suspicion of brown people in funny clothes.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

A big shout out to my spastic peeps

I am a bad man. Seriously bad. A few months ago I foolishly let my hard heart go soft and I agreed to buy tickets off the Spastic foundation (or whatever they are called) after a cold call on their part.

I know how these places work. The telemarketer gets half the money, the charity the rest. I asked if I could have the website and donate that way - but they wouldn't give it to me. The only way, they insisted was buying raffle tickets.

"Now sir, how do you want to pay for these? By credit card? Cheque?"

Not comfortable with paying by Credit Card to a cold caller I said to mail me the tickets and then I would pay.

But I realised when they arrived, all spanking with the promise of prizes I had no probable chance of winning, that the tickets only became active after I sent them back to the telemarketer with the enclosed funds.

Therefore, if I never sent them back, I would never, ever have to pay for them. Nor would I be placed in the draw not having paid for them so I wouldn't be committing fraud.

So I pinged them into recycling.

Trouble is of course I said yes the first time. So they called again a few months later, thanked me effusively for my support and how I was making the hard lives of spastics a little less spastic and asked to send me more tickets. Shamed by this praise - completely undeserved since in actuality I had cost them money in salary time and mailing costs - I said 'sure, send me some more.'

I chucked those out too.

It happened again on Friday night. I have to admit - to even more shame - I laughed heartily at my accepting these tickets with absolutely no intention to send them back with payment. I even did a little dance - like Adam Sandler in Punch Drunk Love when he buys all the puddings.

So I will have to make amends. Eventually I will track down the spastic organisation and give them money that I actually volunteer to send, as opposed to wasting everyone's time and efforts by accepting their tickets.

But you try saying no to someone that is likening you to a modern day hero by your saying 'yes' to battling spastics and their phone empowered tin cup.

It's very hard.

So apologies to any spastics out there or anyone afflicted by spasticity who receives funding from these organisations that raise money by cold calling people like me ... who say yes then bin their good intentions.