Didn't we have a wonderful time the day we went to Bangor…

Well, not Bangor. More the Gong. The Bangor thing was from these incessant ads of 'Ye Olde Music' that ran when I was a kid (Dino Music?) which seemed to feature either the scary likely vampiric Foster and Allen or the 'Wheels went round' song.

Today the wife and I decided to go to Wollongong. And why not? It's nearish to Canberra and I haven't been since visiting some friends in their first flat from home some 15 years ago.

Bugger me, that's a long time.

So up we drove. I agreed to the trip largely because it meant I could cram breakfast McSwonalds into my fat gob (two bacon and eggs, two hash browns, lots of IBS pain 20 minutes later). We finally made it to the Gong about 12 ish and wandered around the down town mall area. It was nice to be nearish the sea, and seeing winged rats being seagulls instead of the ubiquitous pigeons. But in truth the Gong is a lot like Canberra only be salty and sooty - i.e. nothing really there that is Gong specific – at least down town.

But they do have the Nan Tien temple.

I'd read about this place in the SMH. I think it's the largest Buddhist Temple in the southern hemisphere or something. Beautiful place on lovingly tended green hills on the outskirts of the industrial district - I think the number of pylons we drove under increased my chance of subsequent cancers by several percent.

We wandered around the immaculate lawns for a bit then went into one of the temples. We bought $20 worth of incense – wrote out some prayers for health – and jammed them in the tubs'o'incence bits that are before the hundreds of buddahs stacked 10 high in the room.

Then up to the larger one. Truly massive room with gold edged gilding everywhere. But all I kept thinking was that if Buddhism puts so much store in meditation, aesthetic living, and reinforcing the concept that materialism is in itself a spiritual dead end – why was Buddha such a fat bastard? Seriously fat. Fatter than me likely – in a comparison basis. So fat the dude in some statues was packing A cup material with his pyramid pointy man jabbers thrust into the sky. And the ear lobes? Why does he have ear lobes that reach down to his neck?

Of course everything at the temple reminded me of TV or AD&D. TV for Monkey – mandatory viewing for Australian children in the 80's – I half expected guards to run out with their polearms and surround us. AD&D because well there was a Buddha with 24 arms and all I could think was that as a Full Round Action he'd likely get 24 melee attacks with various weapons held in his hands. That and the Pagoda looked just like the lair of a mage from Balder's Gate.

Pagodas. I did not know their purpose before today. It's for storing dead people – their urns at any rate – in what looks like train station lockers. I half expected to see a wino snuggled in the corner with those fingerless gloves they seem to know and love.

Left: Ramazith's lair - he stores dead people

I have to admit we did the wish thing. There was this little side chapel where you could kneel, think hard about something you want to achieve, say some funky words, bang the bell with a bell banger, then stand up. So we both did – though this dude changing light bulbs kept following us around the complex.

Still it was a pretty awesome place. Beautiful day, cool winds, just a nice place to be out and about. I still wished I'd rolled down the hill to the carpark from the pagoda but the wife was worried they'd think I was some kind of 'Boulder Buddha' reincarnated and laud me as their returned rolling gawd or something.

And on the way home we came within 1.1 litres of emptying our fuel tank completely. We did the whole Kramer and the Car Salesman Thelma and Louise hand hold once we saw the petrol sign 4 kays ahead beacon of thin steel hope.

And the keys I thought I had lost in the gong – safely on my coffee table.

So it looks like the big man – wherever he is – was looking out for me.

Thanks Big B.

Remembering awesome movies of yester year

"Keep firing assholes!"














Mel Brook's '87 masterpiece "Spaceballs"

Hooray!

I know wanking on about purchases is a wanky thing to do. It's up there with getting a personalised licence plate that spells out a word in alphanumerical form like CRE8 or something.

But today I achieved a life ambition courtesy of the wife. The ownership of an illuminated world globe.

It's sitting on our TV in the study bathing me in a pleasing geopolitical glow.

Hooray for purchase! Hooray!

About a Boy

About a Boy is on.

From I think 2002, About a Boy is one of those emotional spike films for me because at the time I saw it I was very emotional. I think I was in the height of gall stone pain at the time, which was fucking painful, and I wasn't coping very well. I had a restricted diet, and was feeling pretty sorry for myself.

Recognising the danger signs I figured what the heck. I'm in a lot of pain, I am not feeling well, I am listless, being snappy and lethargic. My work is a funny old place. On the one hand it has excellent programs for people to access free of charge, including visiting psychs to help with mental health issues. On the other hand certain jobs are denied to you if you admit it – which I found out later.

But at the time I needed to see someone so I accessed said program and went and saw a psych about pain management, and other assorted business. Which proved most helpful – except he asked these leading questions about 'do I sometimes smell burning or hear things that aren't there' and I think subconsciously to please him I said 'yeah I guess so'.

Cue expensive tests including the MRI. Luckily I like enclosed spaces – though places wrapped in a noisy electro-magnet I can do without. Nothing was wrong by the way.

After one of these psych visits in Manuka – I left about midday – I decided not to go back to work. Instead I would see a movie.

I saw About a Boy, by myself, in the middle of the day, with about three other people in the cinema.

I sniffled a bit through it – being highly emotional – and eventually lost it. I cried hysterically for about five minutes. All the raw pain in my gut in my head leaching out of me. Luckily I kept it quiet so I only got a few half hearted head turns.

I'm not sure what the triggers are but probably a lot of it had to do with self esteem and seeing in the boy a lot of me – socially awkward, bullied, unable to connect, overly sensitive.

But, well, I've seen it a few times since and still get those emotional pangs. I haven't lost it watching it since, but I think one of the main reasons I could let go was because no one I knew was there. I didn't have to worry about freaking the wife out, I could just cut loose.

Perhaps. Still, it's a powerful film, and one of the finest films Hugh Grant has ever done. Nicely understated portrayal of a narcissist forced to care.

Oh, I forgot, it's based on a Nick Hornby book.

Man that guy can write. The level of his talent blows me the frak* away.

*NERD ALERT NERD ALERT NERD ALERT; HM used the substitute swear word from the Battlestar Galactica remake NERD ALERT NERD ALERT

Krusty

At 33.5 I am krusty enough to remember using and loving using Apple IIes, a Vic-20, cassette drives, floppy floppies, marvelling at mobile phones the size of a house brick, and using vinyl not for it's sound but because that's what we had.

This isn't me delving into 'the good old days' - far from it. I love new stuff, love it - even if I do obsessively play Warlords II which is 12 years old and having even spent $70 on a second hand copy of the expansion and had it shipped from across the country.

Being a nerd I likes to play D&D. I still prefer calling it AD&D because I am krusty enough that to say you played D&D implied you were a young kid who hadn't migrated to the Advanced stuff. It's just D&D now but even so - I prefer the AD&D sobriquet.

Anyway I play a game by email with a friend. It's been going for about four-five years.

He's logs in with his lap top and sends me a text to remind me to check for his move. I do likewise but with my home PC.

As I was standing in the near dark firing off the text I couldn't help marvel at the fact I held something in my hand the size of a matchbox car and with the press of a button was sending into the ether a message that gets routed through various routy things (I am not so much of a nerd or phreak I know how mobile phones work) and said message arrives hundreds of kays away.

Remember the old Star Trek with Kirk using his mobile to talk to the ship, flipping it open and closed in a casual manner?

"Spock ... it's me ... Kirk ...Ineedhelp ... now ...beam ...metosickbay....stat"

That's just 40 odd years since that show and mobiles with similar level of reach (if you have a sat phone) now exist.

Fuck me if that doesn't blow me away.

If we don't get killed by a super virus or some sort of stupid apocalyptic war our future looks rosy indeed.

Now get busy with teleport technology. I got a hankering for some beaming.

Samuel L Jackson has a bad day...

Doisty Roisty Roisty

'Doisty Roisty Roisty' is the approximate noise when I do my world war two dictator impression. Mussolini, Hitler, Stalin, it's a phrase that sounds vaguely foreign and hectoring when done so in a heavy accent with lots of mimicked lectern thumping.

Now, to the matter at hand. Yes I know I harp on about this but it's only because I feel it's important. The Oz, aka The Australian, the loss making tax system changing jewel of the Murdoch crown and Oz's only national daily, has a hard on for Terrorism. Not just the doing of it - also the condemning of it - and the condemning of those people who feel for example that not all terrorists are created spawns of Satan who breast feed semtex but rather are also unfortunately created as a by product of realist foreign policy conducted in the great game of inter-state and intra-state relations.

And nothing gives TheOz a stonker like the idea of evil lawyers doing their job and getting alleged terrorists off their charges because they managed to prove the prosecutors fucked up.

Jack Thomas as you may know was released yesterday after his conviction was quashed on an appeal. TheOz naturally went into histrionics. They managed to contact the saddened parent of a Bali bombing victim between the time it was announced and when they went to print, who understandably decried this decision. And he's entitled to - he lost his daughter in a senseless act of barbarism. Never mind the fact that Thomas, aka "Jihad Jack" had nothing to do with it or the people that did it - though he met a guy who met a guy who met a guy who did apparently - so that makes him apparently equally culpable. The Oz article on this event is here

The Oz's monstrous act in revisiting pain on a grieving parent aside, one of their most stonky stonkers for terror made this comment as an insert to the above article. You can find it here

Legal system releases the enemy

COMMENT
Chris Merritt

August 19, 2006

WHEN the legal system allows a mate of Osama bin Laden to walk free in Melbourne, something is terribly wrong.

Australians should rightly be outraged at this decision. Allowing Jack Thomas to re-enter civilised society - even temporarily - is ludicrous.

This man has chosen his side in a war. And it's the wrong side. He has aligned himself with Islamic fascists who want to destroy democracy.

The sooner the legal system adjusts to that reality, the sooner we are likely to prevail.

There might be all sorts of nice legal arguments that favour yesterday's decision. But try explaining those to the families of those who died in Bali.

The problem is that there is still a massive disconnection between the law and reality.

Some responsibility must rest with the judges. Why could they not find a reason to protect society from this man?

But the law is most clearly at fault. There is an urgent need for some rapid amendments to ensure that no judge can make the same mistake.

Instead of freeing the enemy, the law should be doing more in the real fight for liberty.

Ah, isn't that great? TheOz are basically suggesting we should throw the law out the window, all 1000 years of common law apparently which is the hallmark of western values, because this guy got off on what they see is a technicality. This is why he got off, according to the parent article - this buried near the end of the piece.

Before the AFP conducted the interview, Mr Thomas had been interrogated for months by Pakistani and US authorities.

A US agent had threatened to put Mr Thomas's testicles in a vice and rape his wife and put her breasts in a vice if the former taxi driver did not agree to cross the border into Afghanistan, wear a recording device and feed intelligence to US authorities, the Victorian Supreme Court heard during Mr Thomas's trial.

(snipped a bit)

Phillip Bolton, who acted for Lodhi and is president of the Criminal Defence Lawyers Association, was not surprised by the decision. "Confessions that are extracted after months and months of confinement and interrogation by the CIA and Pakistani secret service agents is not the way to conduct justice," he said.

The appeal court found the Australian officials in Pakistan were complicit in attempting to overrule Thomas's will, making "no attempt to distance themselves from this position but impliedly endorsing it. It certainly did not require any 'feat of imagination' to appreciate the character of the prospects with which Thomas was faced when contemplating (AFP and Pakistani officials') potential to overbear his will."

There we have it. He was illegally interrogated. That's why he got off. According to Chris "Il Duce" Merritt judges shouldn't be allowed to deem an interrogation was at fault simply because a terror suspect was denied his right to silence and because it was involuntary. What's next Merritt - cops should be able to beat up a guy? Waterboard him? Bamboo shoots under the fingernails? How about piling rocks on his gut until he screams? That acceptable?

In fact, check out a slightly more balanced article where the how and the why for the release appeared before the grieving parents of murdered children were roped into a story. Check out the SMH here.

Here's some relevant text that appeared near the start of the SMH story and didn't rely on emotional fury and pain like the Oz did.

Evidence used to convict Mr Thomas, the first person jailed under new federal anti-terrorism laws, was ruled inadmissible by the Victorian Court of Appeal yesterday. Mr Thomas's interview in Pakistan with Australian Federal Police should not have been relied on, three judges said.

Mr Thomas was arrested in Pakistan in January 2003 and convicted in Australia in February this year for receiving funds from al-Qaeda and holding a false passport. He was sentenced to five years' jail, with a minimum of two years.

Mr Thomas says he took part in the federal police interview in Pakistan on March 8, 2003, without a lawyer because he feared being sent to Guantanamo Bay or held indefinitely if he did not co-operate. Mr Thomas's lawyer, Lex Lasry, QC, told the appeal hearing the answers his client provided were not voluntary. "The interview was not voluntary because the applicant was not answering questions on the basis of free choice," Mr Lasry said.

I'm not saying Jack Thomas is lily white innocent - far from it. He followed for a while a fundamentalist ideology that saw him meet with a known terrorist responsible for killing innocents.

But the fact is the cops, and I'm sure they were doing their job and that given the circumstances of Thomas' imprisonment in Pakistan had their hands tied, were placed in such a position that Thomas' confession was no good.

That's because we have laws in this country designed to check the power of the executive and its arms in order that despotism and tyranny, the sort of issues faced by most of the Middle East, do not darken our doorstep.

And to change our laws so illegal interrogations become suddenly legal is to erode these protections and these rights that us enlightened secular western types know and love - the very freedoms these so called "Islamic Terrorists" are alleged to hate and loathe.

TheOz, or some of their writers, and other commentators that preach restrictions to liberties without checks and balances and continue to heap abuse on a segment of society that is pushed and pulled toward extremism are doing the work of those that seek to visit evil on the world.

They should fucking wake up to themselves. Except of course they won't. Because these fuckwads sell more papers and get to comment on Fox more often that it serves their own self interest - not that of society.

So why Doisty Roisty Roisty in this case?

Because Merritt reminded me of a Mussolini or Hitler in full fascistic fury demanding that laws that protect the people be recinded so he could control the people through a diet of 'us and them'.

I wonder if Merritt has a concrete balcony on his McMansion? I suspect so. He should consider practicing his balustrade bashing just in case he gets called up to the political ranks later on in life.

Now that's tat...

Why does this make me laugh so?

It just does, I don't know why.

Fabio, the most beautiful man in the cosmos, back in 1999 was struck by a goose atop a famous roller coaster.

Here's the relevant bit from Fabio's wiki

On March 30, 1999, Fabio made news after being hit by a low-flying bird while riding the roller coaster Apollo's Chariot at Busch Gardens Williamsburg (now Busch Gardens Europe) in Virginia. The bird, which one park guest claimed to be a goose, slammed into Fabio's face during a 210-foot drop, leaving an inch-long laceration on the model's nose. After the ride ended, he was rushed to Williamsburg Community Hospital where he was promptly treated and released. Fabio did not take legal action against the theme park.

There he is. Earth's entry to the 'Most Beautiful Being' Milky Way awards lacerated by a misflying goose. What attracted the goose to Fabio? His tanned hairless man pecs? Perhaps attracted to it's own reflection in the shining pearly whites of immaculate dentistry? Maybe the pheromone laced deodorant or 'man-fume' Fabio had laced himself for the ladies also accidentally attracted those who wished to fly south to his winter?

Perhaps we'll never know. One thing is for sure - the goose ain't quaking.

The important thing to remember is that one of the world's most built up men, famed for being ridiculously good looking, was whacked in the face by a goose atop a roller coaster.

Makes you think huh? If there is a divine being up there watching down here, I'd love to know the how and the why for that.

By the way, I also love the fact that according to the wiki Fabio did not take legal action against the theme park. Because you know on the ticket to the ride he accepted that he undertook the attraction at his own risk, irrespective of any heart condition or low flying waterfowl that may be in the area...

Stop burnin' our flags, consarnit!

Today on Hack (JJJ) they were discussing the views of parliamentary coot Bruce Scott, erstwhile member for Maranoa in Queensland for the National party.

Scott, an artist's impression pictured here, has decided the idea of burning the Australian flag and selling 'flag burning kits' which I believe consisted of one (1) Australian flag and one (1) box of matches was an affront to his electorate. To that effect he presented a petition of 3086 signatures to parliament from said electorate demanding the halt to all flag burning and flag burning kit creation activities.

“The level of support reflects the community’s rejection of the actions of people who would deliberately desecrate the Australian Flag,” Mr Scott said in his own press release (which you can find here).

Now not to mock Bruce "Dagnamit" Scott here, after-all on two party preferred he got 71% of the vote last election, but 3086 signatures out of an electorate of some 88,000 people is a bit weak. Sure, it's a big electorate. At 780,000 square kilometers it's about 1.1 times the size of France, but even so a few card tables in the key communities of Barcaldine, Blackall, Capella, Charleville, Chinchilla, Cunnamulla, Dalby, Emerald, Goondiwindi, Longreach, Miles, Roma, Stanthorpe, Warwick and Winton should in theory have upped the numbers a tad. Hell, make it a raffle for a free sheep or something if you sign.

I got news for you Brucey. Burning a flag is an affront to certain Australians. I respect that. But I have the right to burn something like that if I am passionate it enough to do it. For example over blinkered refugee policy, or gay marriage etc. If someone burns the Australian flag it's usually because they feel something is not being put to right and are burning our flag because they feel it should be. That's in our country of course. If it's being burned overseas it's likely because a bunch of very upset bearded gents have taken umbrage at certain foreign policy choices – and I hardly think you're going to sick Interpol on to them.

Instead of organising a scone drive of a press release why don't you expend the last dregs of energy you have in your doddering old frame and do something worthwhile? The nats seems to have discovered alternate fuels now their much supported cane farmers can have a new market to sell to, so get behind that. Or global warming. Or a humane refugee policy. Or regional-rural Australia regeneration.

Faffing on about flag burning is a pathetic weasel attempt to introduce a US style wedge into Australian politics in a country where really people couldn't give a shit beyond a laconic 'no worries mate' or 'strewth mate, that's a but much.'

Besides, where you going to draw the line Brucey? Pictures of the Queen being burned? The PM? Ruddock? Effigies? Other people's flags? Wiggles T-Shirts?

The flag is nothing but a symbol, like a burning flag is a symbol to others. Creating laws about what symbols can be burned and what can't is just pathetic and an affront to free speech.

Miranda Devine – Hicks bad man, bad – lefties silly for thinking he's been fucked over

Today in the SMH Miranda Devine, erstewhile one third of the Conservative spokespeople trio at Fairfax of Sheehan, Devine, and Henderson, stuck the boot into David Hicks – whilst putting the boot into Shappelle Corby's mum and Hicks' dad for the suggestion they are legitimate candidates for parent of the year for the support they have given their children.

Devine moans about the appearance of Major Mori, the Marine office assigned to defend Hicks and who appeared on Denton's Enough Rope this week (see the transcript here).

Devine's biggest whinge was that Mori hasn't addressed allegations made about Hicks' past – to whit membership in LeT, training with AQ, the fact that he was alleged to go into Afghanistan after S11 (a new one on me, I hadn't heard that before), and the fact that at one stage in his life Hicks dreamed of martyrdom on behalf of his religion.

Well Devine, first up. Membership of LeT. When Hicks was a member of that whacked crew of misfits, it wasn't a crime. Furthermore LeT like almost every single nationalistic resistance movement that is Islamic in focus had links with Al'Qeda. That's just how it goes. AQ acted as a franchise training operation for numerous resistance groups, the same way Libya trained leftist and Islamic terrorists in the 80's (including the IRA), the same way Syria did, the same way Lebanon did during the civil war, the same way the US did when it trained death squads in their infamous School of the Americas. Remember that Devine? Remember how the US backed guerrillas slaughtered men and women in Latin America? The Chile coup? How the UK sent forces into Cambodia to train the Khmer Rouge? Yep, it seems a lot of countries and organisations like to train guerrillas and insurgents to further their own Realist policies. And AQ ended up a major player in this regard because with the demise of the Cold War the number of providers dropped sharply.

The other point I will make is this. These allegations, made by US prosecutors when they charged Hicks some two years after he was detained, have never been tested in court. The Defence has yet to have their say. Why is that Devine? Could it be because these military tribunals were regarded by almost every lawyer on the planet, including some of the US Supreme Court, to be demonstrable failure of fundamental rights? I think it is. That's why the court's powers were challenged Devine – and found wanting.

I just love how Devine quotes Neil "Dial a Quote" James, head of the Defence Association whining about his opinion differs. Well boo hoo James. This isn't about a field of battle in a war between states. So back in your fucking box. This is about law, the rights of people to know what they are charged with and have the ability to challenge those allegations in an unbiased court of law. A court of law I note that did not allow Americans to face it because it clashed with US rights. John Walker Lindh didn't go to Gitmo did he Devine? No he faced US courts and cut a plea deal. At least he had that option. He knows when he is getting out. Hicks doesn't.

Hicks may be a hick seduced by adventure and the idea of religious war. In my mind that makes him a twat. But guess what Devine, he's our twat and he should be tried fairly and face those consequences or let go.

To do anything less is to undermine Australian, no secular western values, where you are entitled to face your accuser and defend yourself fairly. Sure, fundamentalists who don't care about whether they survive a mission are harder to defend against – because they don't have to care about getting away and if you're killing yourself who gives a fuck about how many people you take with you. I get that, I do.

But killing people is a crime. It always has been ever since laws were codified in drying mud 3000 years ago. Planning to kill people is a crime. People who do this are criminals. But they deserve to be treated as criminals, with all that this entails, and fight their accusations in a fair court.

Hicks has been railroaded pure and simple. To suggest anything less is to be a mealy mouthed butt kisser of a derided monstrously incompetent US administration whose fuckups are probably up there with the greatest geo-political disasters in modern history – right up there with "peace in our time".

Devine appears to willingly embrace the idea of letting terror win by Western society curbing its freedoms and degrading its values because the FUDs will err on the side of her brand of politics.

It's disgusting.

I tell you what Devine. If I ever face an unfair court process I hope I get someone who puts human rights and Western secular values to the forefront of my defence like Mori.

He's a better human being than you will ever, ever be.

Intense TV Sessions

When The Wife and I first met way back in undergrad days (cue wavy flashback lines), one day we pulled an all-nighter together. It was pretty funny - I smoked about 12 cigarettes (normally being a non smoker) and we both managed to get out papers in. When we headed back to my place we were still too hyped to sleep. So we decided to get McDonalds and some videos on the way. We arrived to found a hysterical neighbour from downstairs wailing because her gay hairdresser friend from Sydney had died and she was getting comfort. Feeling this was a downer on our all nighter now McDonald's buzz we quietly went to the wife's flat instead where we watched Twin Peaks.

All up we stayed up for I believe about 37 hours in total - with 12 hours of back to back twin peaks. It was a weird buzz, and combined with some "log lady" action, and pie, and Kyle McLauchlan and David Lynch goodness. Needless to say it made a very trippy kewl series a lot trippier.

I've been off with the crap back for three days now - I am due back at work tomorrow for light duties - so we decided to watch the Sopranos during this time. We've been clearing half a season a day and are now near the end of the second season.

Watching episodes back to back without ad breaks really immerses you into the world of the series. To the extent that mannerisms from the show creep in. I've talked about people being killed as being whacked or clipped, mentioned various italian phrases and have an increased love of cheese all as a result. The show resonates a lot stronger when you drive into it - the characters are more alive, more real because there's no wavy hand held ZOOT ad crap coming in the middle of it.

Sure - we don't have kids yet - so we have the luxury of doing this. But I've been dreaming Sopranos now for three nights solid and it's starting to freak me out.

Plus I've been wearing a wife beater around the house. Sweet.

Judith Lucy's stage show coming to Canberra 17 & 18 August

Judith Lucy was just on Enough Rope. When I first encountered Judith Lucy whilst watching the Late Show back in the early 90's I thought 'Eurgh, whose this? She sucks'.

Boy was I wrong. Judith Lucy is without a doubt probably one of the best comedians in Oz today. She is piss funny. I nearly choked when on Denton she desribed her mother's ability to hear something that interested her akin to being able to successfully identify the words spoken into a sock at a Motorhead concert.

Details for Lucy's appearance in Canberra are here.

If you're a Canberra type and you love a laugh come along. You will not be disappointed.

Howard takes a pounding

Well Howard backed down and ditched his bill ... for now. I'm sure it will come back in a modified form - perhaps even addressing the whole 'women and children behind razor wire again' issue the rebel Libs had with it in the first place.

But for now this is good. The Liberals were able to prove they're not all a bunch of soulless **** like Tuckey and Schultz. Howard got a bloody nose which is good, because he needed a dose of humility after partying like it's 1999 with his Senate majority despite his promise of 'No Hubris, never ever - hubris is dead in the water' when gifted the Senate by the FUDdies in the last election.

And maybe, just maybe, the Australian public - no longer threatened by the spectre of a couple of hundred would be refugees arriving Split Enz style in a leaky boat - decided that the government's hard line stance wouldn't impact the way they were polled. For now.

But as Crikey points out, this stance may revisit around election 2007 time when the government uses it as a stick to beat up Labor as being 'soft on terror' for when they blocked it this time.

Because you see. Humane refugee laws are clearly a threat to national security. What with those er terrorists that arrive that way. With their bandoliers of bullets and crates of grenades and children they hold up at the prow wired for blowing to virgin heaven and so forth.

Where Harrangueman revises his opinion about a much maligned segment of the health community

In my Minibreak, as noted, in between fuming at Newscorp's coverage of the Terror Crisis in the UK (and hello to any ancillary NC fans who have chosen to join us here in the Palace Hotel Ballroom at this time), I managed to do my back in.

It was hurting a bit on Friday after various non related medical tests and by the time we arrived in our holiday abode it was hurting lots. By the time we got back I was whimpering like a new puppy whose face had been rubbed in an errant wee.

This morning, after having called in sick via email, I asked the Wife (who is on leave) if she could arrange a visit to a Doctor to get a certificate. She refused.

I know, I know, you're thinking 'Geez, HM's Ball and Chain is a flinty hearted mol.' No, far from it. 100% flint free. No, she said 'I'll book you a visit to a chiropractor instead.'

Now, I've had mixed feelings on chiropractors. Never having gone to one, I guess I had them pegged in the same category as alternate medicine - like Mr Lee's Acupuncture or something.

But, well, in lower back agony I acquiesced. I said. 'Okay, let's do it. I will say yes.'

I've been saying Yes a lot more to opportunities, inspired by the awesome Danny Wallace's Yesman to do so.

My chiro (is that what they're known as?) was an earnest young man who looked identical to a young Steve Guttenberg from his cameo in the Boys From Brazil.

Within five minutes of explanation and spinal manipulation I echoed the infamous words of John Ritter in Stay Tuned, where forced into a Wrestling ring to battle for real states rather quickly and with a strained voice due to injury that wrestling is 'not fake … not fake.'

I feel a lot better. I still hurt, and am still walking oddly. But I can sit mostly without pain. I have the whole week off – which is a shit as I have a lot of work to do and in the public service we ain't allowed to go back to work if we still have time on our medical ticket. I will see him again Wednesday and if I am better I will get him to revise it.

Still, it was just $80. And $80 very well spent.

If you have recurring back pain, and you've never seen a chiro, see one now. They are valued members of the medical community responsible for much good in the world. Even if they do have a cushioned bench that looked like a wingless pad which had sprung a rip.

Note: I understand I have made several references to sanitary pads in the past few blogs. What can I say? I think they're an incredible advance in groinal soaking technology. Indeed, the whole bizarrely overlit like the interior UFO shot from Close Encounters of the Third Kind aisle in the supermarket where the female goods are stacked I find fascinating. That and the lighting triggers my transitional lenses to go almost peril sensitive black.

MiniBreak - and the London thing

Fortunately for us, we drove. So no having sports drinks and disposable cameras being seized etc.

We went down the South Coast for two nights, staying in a serviced apartment. It was weird. A Two Bedroom Affair where the owner locked off the room we weren't using. All the rooms were off this humongous long corridor that looked like a deep focus shot from the Shining.

Saw 'The Sentinel' in this post stamp sized theatre of about 30 seats - pretty kewl and cheap - had dinner in a Thai place and between dinner and the movie wandered around town.

Ah Mainees. Never having done one in my youth nonetheless I know the tradition well. Too young for pubs but old enough for cars, the kids bring out their parent's car (or their own if lucky enough), and drive aimlessly around the main street - stereo pumping, tyres squealing. Doosh, Doosh, Doosh, Doosh etc. We walked past one guy who'd been pulled over by him mum concerned the headlights were out. She made him get out and test them to her satisfaction. Pretty funny stuff.

Next day was driving to Eden, walked around the top of the town. I had fucked my back somehow and it's still hurting. So I had the Krammer too tight jeans walk again. Nonetheless great weather, fancy talking. Then we drove around some more and down to the satellite towns inland. So green - fat indolent cows amongst creek valleys. Very cool. Then back to where we were staying.

Went to Woolies, got BBQ stuff, had BBQ, watch Sopranos on our PS2 we bought with us (we replaced our old model. I am convinced these are so slim you could almost wear them as a sanitary pad. I should try out my blue liquid on them).

Watched Batman Begins on Austar. Best. Batman Movie. Ever.

Next day went to the Pambula markets. Talk about tat. Tat as far as the eye could see. Dredged up Garage Sale Crap mixed in with battered video tapes and homemade wares. Shining lights are the book stalls - with me lingering over some of the schlock 'mercenary kill' books in a war pile. Lots of 'Gary liked Germans because they knew how to kill blackies' type stuff. I remember proudly telling my mum that once, me being 12 and having read it in said Mercenary Kill book. She was most upset as I recall. It's kind of up there saying stuff about Jewish people eating babies. Most incorrect. Ah the heady days of pulp novels.

Had a Roast Beef Roll ... awesome. They know how to kill and cook cow down on the South Coast.

Then that done wound our way back via Bateman's Bay, Braidwood, and Bungendore.

My back is still well fucked and I ate enough bad food that my IBS is sure to join the party with some severe abdominal pain. Can't wait for it.

Still all in all an awesome minibreak.

Oh one downside. I read 'The Australian' where they had practically jizzed all over their paper about Islamic terrorists and how this proved 'The Left' wrong. Like we had a big meeting and have a unified approach to the problem of global terror - and think of course that blowing up airliners is somehow acceptable. I never knew that. Thanks Oz for defining half the political spectrum as sucking off terrorists - because we do that you see. Without even getting a reach around. My favourite of the sensationalised side of the reporting is the fact that some emaciated "super" model is apparently a half sister of one of them. Because that's news...

BTW - The London terror flight stuff - most terrifying. Assuming this isn't a fuck up like half of the last terror busts kudos to the intel lads for shutting this down. An excellent effort by many agencies no longer cramped by stove-piping of information and adequately resourced. Well done. And all done, I note so far from what I have read, without having to lock anyone up without charge.

Oh The Oz editorial I took exception to is here

Specifically their use of "Islamic Fascists" and this statement "Those on the Left who succumb to the totalitarian temptation and romanticise terrorists as freedom fighters must understand it is the freedoms they most cherish that Islamic fascists most hate."

Totatlitarian Temptation? What the? Where are they pulling that from?

Militant fundamentalists are not fascist in the true fascist sense of the word. They do not for example believe in puffy directing pants and stiff legged marching. They do seek to impose their narrow world view on people who'd rather just get on with life, and they should be stopped. I agree on that. But I really dislike the constant bandying about of the world "Islam" tagged in with it. Bush is not referred to as "the Christian Bush" - which is good since the only Christian Bush I'm aware of was that on Mary mother of God and the burning one who gave Moses instructions. And sure I fully admit that Islam has more than it's fair sure of whack jobs promoting fundamentalist world views in its name and seeking to do some unpleasant damage.

But by sticking "Islam" or "Muslim" in front of these horrible words infers all Muslims are like this. And they're not. Every single practising Muslim I have ever met has been polite, decent, and not waived their faith in people's faces.

Muslims don't go around door knocking and handing out Watchtowers. They don't stand on street corners and yell about salvation. They just want to be left alone like all of us do. And unfortunately for them they have some dickheads in their ranks that think violence is one way to ensure that. And dickheads that don't want to share land that is special to all of Abraham's faiths.

Of course, if Oil was not an issue none of this would ever have been a problem since the great powers of the last century would not have spent so much effort controlling, abetting, aiding revolutions, carving up countries, creating countries, and all of that crap that really has shat so many people off.

Isn't geopolitcs fun? Now, can someone please go create an alternative fuel source where oil is no longer an issue and we can leave them all alone.

On a lighter note I read about an electric car with one moving part that can go 0-100 in 4 seconds, has a range of 400 kays, and only takes three hours to charge. It's silent and emission free. Sure it has a sticker price of 100k US but hey it will come on down when mass production kicks in. All I can say is ... YES PLEASE!

See the electric car story here

Onion Goodness - George Bush's Radio Address to the Nation

Click here

Bomber kicks Ironbar's crusty behind.

Wilson Tuckey, noted f/stick, today took on Kimbo at the front of Parliament House challenging him on the fucked up legislation he proudly stands behind.

Here's a snapshot of the encounter from Crikey.

"Oh here's Kim," Mr Tuckey said as he spotted Mr Beazley.

"This is not about Liberals, this is about you mob," he said, referring to Labor.

Mr Beazley, with a faint smile, first told Mr Tuckey to "take your tablets".

"Don't you insult me with tablets," Mr Tuckey shot back.

"I'm asking you why you are defying the Australian people on border protection."

With a hand on Mr Tuckey's shoulder, Mr Beazley urged the Liberal MP: "Off you go mate, off you go, off you go mate."

But Mr Tuckey refused to move, saying he was entitled to stand outside the doors of parliament.

"Now I'm interviewing you, I'm asking you why your entire party is going to kill off legislation that the Australian people want," Mr Tuckey said.

The clash then became more heated and the two West Australian politicians closed in on each other, chins thrust forward.

Mr Beazley said Mr Tuckey was supporting "weak sop legislation".

"Why don't you take your weak, worthless self in there with the weak, worthless piece of legislation," the Labor leader said, pointing towards the parliament doors.

Tuckey fired back angrily: "Don't you call me weak ... you fat so and so."

Nice one Tuckey, go the fatty remark. What a pathetic wanker. Why this cripple brained curmudgeon has not been shown the door is beyond me. Oh, wait, now I remember. He's in the Liberal party.

By the way fuckhole. I don't want this legislation. And I think that if the average Australian realised what we were about to do to people with this, they wouldn't want it either. Unless of course they were an ignorant hick bigot from the boondocks ... like a good chunk of your electorate.

See the SMH video of the incident here

Petro and others take a bow

"The Migration Amendment (Designated Unauthorised Arrivals) Bill is the most profoundly disturbing piece of legislation I have encountered since becoming a member of Parliament"

- Petro Georgiou, 9 August 2006

For the SMH report into the debate see here

The Liberal party has always allegedly prided itself on being "a broad church". It seems by all means think different, but it's vote our way or the highway according to ridicuously shrill a-holes like Schultz and Bishop threatening all sorts of dire repercussions for those that cross the floor.

The same Bishop that wanted to ban burkas in schools because they're "confronting".

To all those Liberal wets, of which just a handful remain, I salute you for your noble stance. You're standing up for people who have no vote, can't work in this country even if they are let in, and cost the taxpayer each hundreds of dollars a day for their detention without charge.

This government sickens me so much I have bile rising to my throat. And to anyone that supports detaining women and children in miserable conditions courtesy of the disturbingly named "Pacific Solution" then you have no heart.

I find it deeply disturbing that Howard believes he is reflecting the majority view of Australians. The same man who thought there weren't racists in this country.

But coming from a man that takes a giddy delight in pandering to the FUDdies and the bigoted I am so not surprised. As for the remainder of the Liberal party room - specifically those who proudly stand behind this bill as opposed to merely support it despite the personal disquiet they might feel for doing so - what a pack of cunts.

Free Speech Dammit!

Today an odd coalition occurred in deepest darkest Victoria. The Greens, apparently an ex member of the KKK (now evangelical Christian), and some hard right Christians gathered together to protest against the Racial and Religious Tolerance Act 2001. The Age article which highlighted this impending gathering can be found here.

Gumby sez "Free Speech Dammit!"

I listened to the awesome JJJ Hack on the way home and listened to their report, which featured an interview with some of the participants.

First up, let me say this. Many of them are dyed in the wool whack jobs. Some fuckwit armed with a six foot crucifix wanking on about how sad he was people only saw Jesus as a man that essentially said 'can't we all get along' and not the judging and the smiting and the ow that's burning that will come when Jesus walks amongst us once more.

Good on ya mate, whatever floats yer boat.

This reminds of the Christian exhibition at World Expo '88 where they had a LED lit up pop quiz where Jesus will re-enter the earth and rule from - the answer being apparently Jerusalem. I wonder what the other multitude of faiths that hang out there think about that? On a side note I flogged one of the display items from the Soviet exhibit. Not sure what I did with it. But the weirdest thing was a Russian Orthodox priest saw me do it and didn't say anything.

According to the Age 'The act prohibits the incitement of hatred, serious contempt and severe ridicule against persons on the basis of race and religion.'

So far I believe that the act has only been used once and that was against "Catch the Fire" Ministries which I understand is a group encouraging conversions in the Middle East and in Muslim countries in general. They were found to have vilified Muslims back in 2002 in a speech and in a newsletter. They're appealing against that finding.

Check out "Catch the Fire" here.

Anyway, my nought point o two on this.

Ditch the laws.

Don't get me wrong. I do not stand for people wanting to spew hate all over the place. Or in the case of 'my religion can do anything better than your religion, your religion can't do anything better than mine' misguided rhetoric that comes across as hateful. Such as "Catch the Fire" being desperately worried about the apparent gay menace that threatens to send us all to the hell fires if Adam and Steve lock lips and sign at a registry.

But they deserve to be heard. We all deserve to be heard. If you have a ken for thinking that six million Jewish people were not cruelly murdered by a hateful regime, sing it to the world. You're wrong and you sound like a crackpot with a fine line in Nazi tin foil hat memorabilia though, and people can respond with angry placard waving and hilarious finger under the nose Basil Faulty goose stepping impressions. You believe certain elements of the Koran promote a certain world view point you're uncomfortable with? Fine, fire away with that. Just be prepared for some smarmy types to found all the whacked stuff in your religious tracts like touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean or stoning someone for planting different crops side by side, or those who work on your chosen Sabbath get put to death. Or for pooh poohing the pleasures of the anus for the anally inclined.

Gays, straights, Nazis, Communists, or praising people who think blowing yourself up to prove that you've got one it takes for some virgin ploughing action in an afterlife big on throw rugs, cushions and gauzy silks, then blowhard away. I don't have to believe in what you're saying and I can yell shit right back at you how I think any God responsible for creation is going to not take kindly to smearing the contents of a Tel Aviv café across the roof and sidewalk and are hardly going to reward you with three score plus a few maidenheads for you to charge at like a maddened bull armed with a fragrant cock ring.

Speech needs to be free. Unfettered – if you will – Go Commando. It needs to air, to be heard, to be debated, to be read, to be mocked, to be praised, to be despised, to incite passions, to excite the intellect.

Because anything less is another brick in the wall between those who govern and those who are governed. And it leads to the public also accepting things like secret detention, detention without trial, to locking women and children seeking refuge behind razor wire, or marooned on a reclaimed refuse tip of an island carved from bird shit.

Inciting violence is wrong. And if you do that, and your words encourage others to take up the sword, the machete, the gun, the knife, a broken bottle, or a backpack full of semtex and ball bearings, then let the courts put you in the dock and make you answer for that. But we shouldn't ban the ability to talk or speak or write or sing or mock or act or satirise about faith or race. Because not only does it lead to censorship, it leads to self-censorship, which leads to atrophy of ideas and how we can grow.

Besides bigots remain bigoted and instead of loudly proclaiming their stance and revealing to one and all just how small their tiny brains are, they go undercover and whisper dark lies in corners of cyber space reinforcing their perception of an unreality than not many of us share. Like those Stormfront whackos, or extreme right to lifers that think killing family planning staff is a moral equivalence to a planned termination, or militant fundamentalists of whatever hyper tunnel vision version of an ideology they practice.

And hey I admit to getting hot under the collar in response to viewpoints I see as whacked – or even telling a colleague that she shouldn't run around calling gay people 'poofters' willy nilly unless she herself is one. I shouldn't have done that. I should have let her bigotry and bad manners do the talking for her. Because when I did that I was the one who got in trouble for being curt and ill mannered, not her with her homophobic crap.

At the end of the day if your faith relies on big brother government stepping in like a short balding bearded Maths teacher with belted shorts and long socks breaking up a fight in year seven, then your faith will always have issues.

Hate, mockery, innuendo, lies, gossip, distortion of your views and beliefs and all that other crap is part of humanity. How you deal with this defines you as a human being, and determines the respect your beliefs earn in the eyes of others. If you chuck a riot every time a Dutch newspaper shows the prophet skinning up a fat doob then the respect others have for your faith lessens greatly and gives ammunition to cockheads to exploit it for their ideological gain.

As a great possibly real man who is revered by several mainstream and splinter faiths once said. Turn the other cheek. Also, something about taking the log out of your own eye before commenting on the splinter in someone else's.

All good stuff. Someone should turn that into a book or something. Or submit it to Reader's Digest. They love that sort of thing.

Paul Sheehan – not letting the opinions of the other side get in the way of his soap box

When not feasting on miracle water sold by a man who has since disappeared, Paul Sheehan writes for Fairfax. And unlike the Oz, Fairfax at least provide space in their papers for commentators of all philosophical and ideological persuasion. Sheehan is on the right. Why he has not been pinched to write for the Oz is beyond me. Maybe the SMH has something on him. Not content with slamming Australian Muslims by inferring they harbour pack rapists, Paul obviously does not like unions. Who would? Greedy for the common man pack of shysters committing their lives to the betterment of the rank and file. Clearly they're in it for the money.

Sheehan is backing the government line that the bulk those who appeared in ACTU ads were dismissed by laws on the books before the recent unfair unfair dismissal changes were foisted on us by Howard's colourless man Andrews last year – though he does grumble about these laws being cumbersome. You can find Sheehan's article here.

Here's some of the rhetoric Sheehan used.

'The union ambush has been deceptive, emotive and expensive. It has been delivered via a national TV campaign. But there is a problem: the claims made on camera do not stand up to scrutiny. When the new federal agency set up to protect workers' rights, the Office of Workplace Services (OWS), investigated most of these cases, it found the bulk of the claims were a load of crap. The new industrial relations laws were not to blame for the dismissals.

'The TV martyrs all claimed to have lost their jobs as a result of harsh conditions introduced since March 27, when WorkChoices came into force under the new legislation. But when the office found a series of inconsistencies, omissions, distortions and concoctions, the head of the Australian Council of Trade Unions, Greg Combet, an inveterate class-war fundamentalist, claimed the federal agency was engaged in a political cover-up.'

Nice isn't it? Those darn unions and their lies.

Confused, thinking it would be unusual for the ACTU not to put up cast iron cases of being taken from behind by the bosses, I went and scoped out the ACTU's side of things. This coming from a press release written about two weeks ago. You can find the release here.

"A number of the workers who have been identified in media reports of an Office of Workplace Services (OWS) investigation into their cases have not even been spoken to or interviewed by the OWS.

'Under the new laws these workers and millions of other Australians no longer have an avenue for defending themselves against unfair treatment by their employer.

'These people have suffered pay cuts or have been sacked unfairly and all the Government can do is attack them and say it's their own fault.

'If a report of the Office of Workplace Services (OWS) investigation has been deliberately leaked to the media then this is simply evidence of how desperate the Government is getting in this fight over the IR laws.

'It also indicates that the OWS is biased and unprofessional.

'The OWS appears to have relied upon untested claims by employers as the basis for its so-called independent findings.

'We haven't yet been able to contact all of the people who were in our ads but it appears that at least four of those people mentioned in the report have not been spoken to or interviewed by the OWS about the allegations that the OWS has made against them.
This is a denial of natural justice that is totally unacceptable.

'Denial of natural justice indeed.

Sheehan ended his article thusly

'Outside the court, the Victorian head of the union Dean Mighell, was outraged. "We have a bona fide redundancy here," he told The Australian. "This is bullshit.'

'There's been plenty of that going around.'

Indeed there has Paul, indeed there has. Next time you wank off about the nasty unions and their Gobbels esq misinformation campaign why not try at least referencing the counter argument from one of the two sides of the story, instead of just toeing the government line.

Or were you too busy drinking your magic water to bother?

Call of Duty - Great game, lousy Opsec

My computer is a bit like Frankenstein's Monster. Yep, the monster, not the doctor. The doctor was Frankenstein. I am a nerd. It's why I know these things. The computer, the monster because it's basically a machine that was originally built back in 1999 that has gradually evolved with new mother boards, new cases, new mice, keyboards, monitors etc. I think in fact there's nothing left of the original. It's kind of like that axe that's been in your family for 100 years that has had five new heads, and six new handles. So not the same axe, but the spirit of the original dwells within.

When my was first created it had a run of the mill video card. This meant certain űber games were denied to me. I discovered this when I bought a knock down copy of Call of Duty. When I loaded it on my PC and it did not work. So, long story short, out when the 1999 card and in went circa 2005. All beautiful. A techie friend sorted out the drivers and I've been killing Nazis since about 4.30 pm yesterday.

Call of Duty is an awesome game. Sure it's a linear set up where your shooter can really only go one direction what with fences, walls, mountains, forests etc that are not penetrable. But the graphics are freakin' sweet, the AI is pretty sneaky (they pick up your thrown grenades and throw them back at you), and all in all amazing game play.

The wife hates it. She thinks I get all 'angered up' playing these things. She's right of course. I do. It's quite frustrating when you're shooter gets stuck in a situation that's hard to get out of and you keep dying - causing me to swear loudly and with passion. I even have it on the ladies tee setting of "Greenhorn" and I keep dying. It's embarrassing. Needless to say I will not be signing up to tournaments any time soon.

Still I managed the first four missions without dying which is pretty cool. The first time I got killed was taking out some gate guards in order for a truck to ram through the gates. Trouble was I decided to do my take out from the position of the road and the truck ran me over.

The only gripe I have, and it's a nerdy gripe I admit, is the completely lousy Opsec practiced by the American shooter Private Martin. Martin maintains a journal, a diary if you will, detailing the mission specs, who they are saving, where they are going, names of people he is with, contacts etc. Which operationally is a big no no. There's a reason why stuff gets censored in wartime and it's because of fuckholes like Private Martin. It probably explains why he's a Private – given his inability to shut his fat yapper.

In Catch 22 Yossarian, being an officer, gets to censor the mail of outgoing correspondence. Looking for incriminating evidence like what Private Martin was preparing then running his black pen through it. He gets bored and decides to start signing stuff 'Washington Irving' and the CID come looking for him.

I digress. Here's an example of Martin's work.

















See what I mean? Completely and utterly whacked in the head stuff. It lists troop numbers, disposition, their mission parameters etc. And no, he doesn't 'leave it at home' because later on he writes updates in the same journal while he's in theatre.

I know it's a game and in real life if you were shot several times a first aid pack conveniently left on a table is not going to put you instantly to rights. In fact you'd probably do the poisoned dog trick and crawl under the house to whimper and get better or die were you wounded in a battle theatre. I know I would. I'm the sort of guy who would need 'depends' in the heat of combat so my poo poo didn't rumble down a trouser leg.

And I know the game requires you to receive the information in the journal as part of atmosphere and because it's something to read as a mission is loading. But still, in real life Private Martin would be bought up on charges for recording information that would be of benefit to the enemy if it fell into the wrong hands.

That would be a pretty funny patch or expansion. Call of Duty: the Courts Marshal, where Private Martin has been sentenced to 40 years prison for repeated violations of secrecy provisions and has to escape Fort Leavenworth.

I'd like to see that good people at ActiVision. Make it so.

In the far distant future, when we're in retirement homes, will we be able to have sex with our robot orderlies?

The west is aging. We're having fewer kids by and large and living longer - exhortions by the Australian Treasurer to fuck like bunnies on crystal meth aside. This means plenty of us are going to end up as crabby old coots in homes for the soon to be dead. And these homes will need labour to run them, to spoon in pap, and give us our kerosene baths. And with fewer young people interested in menial jobs such as this, retirement homes are going to face critical staffing pressures.

"Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Austin Powers

Already in Japan, humanoid shaped robots are entertaining the elderly. They've yet to reach the point where they can bathe, feed, or pick up and oldster but the technology is moving apace. Within 30 years I expect there will be robots advanced enough to do just that. And in 30 years I'm in my mid 60's and starting to consider my twilight options.

As robot tech moves apace, so to does fuck machine technology. And not just dildos attached to pistons – the full gamut of sexual techtronica. Gone are clumsy penis suck machines of the past. Now they're cushioned for comfort, sure grip, washable, etc erotic mega-experience. And vibrators too I believe have reaches dizzying levels of technology. Least that's what the overly pierced sex shop counter clerk told me. Still no patch on the real thing I am sure, but for a lonely old dude or dudette whose partner is no longer with them, I'm sure they're a reasonable substitute. Especially as an oldster your grip or ability to let ones fingers do the walking is no longer so good for the 'hands on' experience.

Now. Robot technology meet fuck machine technology. In the words of the Spice Girls ….

Be a little bit wiser, baby, put it on, put it on
'Cause tonight is the night when two become one

I need some love like I never needed love before
(wanna make love to ya, baby)
I had a little love, now I'm back for more
(wanna make love to ya, baby)
I need some love like I never needed love before
(wanna make love to ya, baby)
I had a little love, now I'm back for more
(wanna make love to ya, baby)
Set your spirit free, it's the only way to be

That's right Posh, Ginger, Scary, Baby, and Sporty. When two become one. Robot orderlies designed to wrangle the elderly, meet 30 years from now advanced cyber sexual devices built to stimulate those that need stimulation. And, being orderly robots, they will already be capable of handling those messy bits that oldsters leave behind – flaking skin, extra long nose and ear hair and, assuming bowel leaks in the geriatrics have yet to be solved, little accidents that can make an oldster's final years a trite embarrassing. So any worries about rinse, clean, and dry for the sex fluids likely no major hurdle.

Of course it just can be a tin box with a cyber-sex part just bolted on. Obviously such a machine will need to be crafted to resemble man or woman – like perhaps Jude Law's character in AI, only perhaps some body hair. Unless the metrosexual cause that has meant hairy arsed men like me have suffered under a tyranny of expected butt shaving or wax is still amongst us in that future period.

Ahh I can see the ads for this hybrids of gerontological and sexual technology now…

'Golden Oaks Retirement Home. Where we have the finest orderly bots available to care for you in your declining years 24-7. Hunks and hunkettes fully equipped with the latest cyber sexual technology there to bathe you, feed you, tuck you in at night, and blow you. Choose from a wide range of appearances including the ever popular Britney circa 1999 model, or of course the Nikki Summer Games 2000 special edition. And ladies, you're not left out in the cold in the groinal department. Test drive our David Boreanez, our Pat Swayze, or our John Winston today. Strapping studs riveted for your pleasure are ready to mount your withered old bones and ride you like a sculpted 16 year old Latino cliff diver.'

The future. Assuming we're not killed by a super virus or ill tempered mutant sea bass with frickin' lasers our prospective Autumnal years look bright indeed.

Support the lowest of this low

This call comes from Uncle Bruce's blog. Cleaners in Oz are facing a drive to the bottom under the new IR laws as companies underbid each other for contracts. This was especially the case in WA where cleaners lost out big time under the previous state Liberal government.

----------------

Cleaners in Canberra have been doing battle with DB Reef, the local arm of German Banking giant Deutsche Bank. In the face of the new Federal Industrial Relations Laws (aka "No-Choices") , Deutsche Bank, through the local DB Reef, has refused to guarantee equitable working conditions and pay.

Yet again, thanks to big business and the Howard Government, more Australian workers have the sword of Damocles hanging above their head; promises of affluence for the aspirational distracting people from just how insecure the wellbeing of Australians is.

Not everyone is fooled of course, and you can join in with the Canberra Cleaners and the LHMU by sending a message to Deutsche Bank. All you have to do is click here and follow the instructions. For a bit more background, check the archive of Clean Start News here.

Where HM realises Paris Hilton is smarter than him

It started with the Good Weekend (or the Australian Magazine) supplement that looked at Paris Hilton. It mentioned she was quite a savvy operator. Then I read the SMH article today.

She made 200 million last year apparently. She gets one million for turning up to wave for a bit at a balcony or a club, and even goes to birthday parties like a trickless clown for 100k a pop.

See the story here.

Now I am on record as not liking Paris Hilton because she is to me a Bratz doll come to life, scarily corrupting society with the concept that success is about being blonde with a stupid giggle and not actually achieving anything of real substance. Apparently - she's not that stupid. After-all she earns 20 years of my salary in an evening.

It is ... alive!

And apart from the aptly titled 'One Night In Paris' she doesn't appear to be the notorious vagina sagging slattern that she's made out to be.

Value of goods and services is subjective opinion not objective fact. And the fact is Paris Hilton has somehow managed to maintain a 'What's Hot' tag instead of sliding like she should have done into the 'What's Not' discard pile like so much other momentary societal blips. She's gone from strength to strength - even releasing an album. She has maintained and increased her social cache and received financial remuneration for it. Lots and lots and lots of money.

I have to admit. She's a canny operator. She's taken the gift of being an heiress and odd looking, and turned it into an empire of tiny dogs in mini bags while wearing micro skirts and sometimes no underpants.

I still think she's a cancer on society. But a clever cancer that is riding the popularity wave with all the ken of a champion surfer and yet to be dumped when many would have been long before.

Paris, I take my hat off to you. I still hope you will fade away and no longer represent something to aspire to being or being with someone like you - especially since the all important heiress base status is unobtainable by most. But for now, I recognise your exceptional ability to manipulate the amorphous blob that is popular culture to your fiscal benefit.

Where Britney has clearly taken HM's advice

A while back I proposed that celebs have their own magazine to stick it to vapid mols like NW and co, putting their private laundry in public.

You can see my rant here

In the SMH today it was announced that Britney, the mastabatory fantasy of many across our globe, has likewise proposed such an idea - though more for celebs giving their side of the story to set the record straight - see here.

Noice. Britney. I am for hire. If you need a counter muck-raker and someone to lurk around Amy and the NWettes and take photos of them drinking a fucking milkshake then I am your dude.

Hire me mistress Britney and allow me to pay you homage through loyal service.

(drops to one knee, bows head).

Yet more gratuitous self-promotion by Harrangueman

I couldn't help myself. Fiercely proud of my Biggles Novel Title piss-take which still remains uncommented on despite the hour or so it took to build I went into the Biggles wiki and referenced it under the popular culture section.

Ha!

Wait a second! Some bastard deleted it!

Bloody wiki…

WTF?

As you may be aware, I have some issues with toilets. Specifically the toilets in my workplace.

In addition to the dreaded seat/porcelain "gap" where a dude in a conjunctive number 1 and 2 has to go the penile tuck down, I discovered today that in another building belonging to my organisation, near the cafe, in the bloke's toilet's, they have a fucking micro urinal.

And by micro-urinal I don't mean those two inches off the floor toilets as used in infant's schools. I mean the walls had hemmed it in. Now I am a self admitted big man. Mostly apple shaped out the front but definate side-age issues as well. For the most part it's not a problem. And I am by far not the heaviest dude on campus.

So why the fuck would they have a toilet where I have to wedge myself in to use it? Seriously wedged. There was a slow squeaking noise as I scrapped my way in at a speed akin to that of trying to walk underwater. Fumbling at the pants wasn't fun either, because there was not much room to work with for the requisite outing of the business equipment.

I doubt that toilet was designed with the ample frame in mind. Or, if it was, a sick joke on the behalf of the designers.

As irony would have it as I left this giant guy, fully six three, and about my build, was lumbering towards it. I felt like waving a bit of toilet tissue to attract his attention to warn him off but then, well, felt it best he discover it on his on.

Oz is 60% fat, with many of them scale crackers like me. I know this particular building was 'living in the 70's' when it was first built, and likely had not factored in the growing girth of the Oz demographic. But still, think about it people. We're here, we're large, and we ain't going anywhere.

Especially if we get stuck wedged in the *!@%$*% urinal.

Cue dramatisation. And if you must know, my crudely weird drawings are all done in Microsoft Word then turned into JPEGS via a screen dump into Microsoft Photo. (Note: this is the 4th version. I realised in the last draft the placement of my arms indicated my penis was connected to my belly button ... now that's what I call an outie!)

Hello f_ckwits

Check out this story here. A Jewish centre got vandalised in Sydney, with lit blocks of wood shoved into it in an effort to set it on fire. Like many with many vandals, stupidity saved the day and it failed to catch fire. Now, this may be pointing out the obvious, but I feel it must be done.

Though many in the Australian Jewish community support Israel, and always have, the Jewish community in Australia are … not … IN … Israel. I feel I need to spell this out because HELLO FUCKWIT (knocks head with closed fist Biff Tannen cane), THE CENTRE IS NOT IN ISRAEL.

Left: "Hello McFly, HELLO"

What kind of fucking moron thinks that setting fire to a leisure centre is somehow going to punish the actions of the Israeli government? A sad lamentable and obviously anti-Semitic fuckwit I guess.

Jewish people are not Israel – though many support it. Trying to set fire to the place where they play ping pong is not going to do anything. Fine, you got the shits with what's happening over there, protest by all means. Launch into cyber space and stake a claim in the argument. Debate it, talk about it, but don't set fire to a building over it.

It's the equivalent of someone coming up to a burka clad woman and gobbing in her face for September 11. Or telling a German who wasn't even born when the Nazi's were in power that they're responsible for the gas chambers. Or picking on an American tourist for something George Bush did – even if said American is a flag wearing chest beating die hard Republican.

It's pathetic, it's stupid, and it does your cause absolutely no good at all. And it convinces some out there already with a magnifying glass out for anti-Semitic rhetoric they have something to worry about.

Nobs.

Buckwheat Goodness

As you may know I am located quite close to a fellow worker I call "Buckwheat" due to a choice of haircut. I get to hear BW on the phone or just going about BW related business. It's like listening to a wasp's nest on crystal meth.

Today Buckwheat went off on the phone. It was a personal call, and admittedly I could only hear BW's half of it, but at one point BW launched into a death threat.

"Stop it," Buckwheat said, or something like that. "Stop it or I'll kill you."

Now coming from Buckwheat it's a little creepy because BW seems capable of performing such an act on account of the insanity BW brings to the table.

Charming. I thought for a second she was talking into the phone for the hell of it. That no one was there - or even that the phone was unplugged. Just like Gary Coleman in the Simpsons.

"Watchyou talkin' about ... everybody!"

It's my time to shine - HM turns one

Ah, a whole year of venting 'barber to King Midas' style into the depths of cyber space. Awesome. The most fun you can have at your keyboard that doesn't involve genital manipulation. Vent my little cousins, vent. Feel better for getting it off your chest. I know I do.

I'd now like to share the nicest compliment I received in the past year RE this blog. Of course it's from my number one fan.

Are you for real? Your blog is THE WORST blog I have ever seen. Go and fix it or kill it off. It is cyber-crap.

Priceless. Seriously, you cannot put a price on such ... warmth. I still feel the hard nut of pleasure I got when I read that for the first time.

Things I would have changed had I known in advance I was going to keep going with this.

* I would have spelled Harrangueman, Harangueman - ie correctly
* Less anal talk
* Ah who am I kidding
* Wouldn't have insulted visitors (as much as I did) just because they hold views opposing to mine.
* I still probably would have.
* That's ... probably it. I still would have done the other stuff.

Fun with a small rabid animal

Drive past a picnic and throw animal into blanket

Turn it into a soap dish

Mount it on the wall and use its rabid foam as toothpaste.

Scare an elephant with it.

Give it to an elderly relative who has you listed in their will.

Juice lemons on it.

Open stubborn doors using its rabid foam as lubricant.

Speaking of lubricant, how about the boudoir?

Claim disability carers allowance after getting a credit card in the rabid animal's name and using that to obtain other ID until you have 100 points worth of ID then … easy street.

Throw it in the giraffe enclosure because hey … rabid giraffes – you can't say that's not cool.

Throw it in a meeting of the young Liberals and watch their monocles drop out with shock – 'Oh I say'.

Use it to redefine an Atlas.

Feed it a yellow pages then call the first fully intact number it spits out and order a pizza.

Hold up a bank.

Replace a plastic Jesus in the manger with the rabid animal just before Carols by Candlelight starts.

Throw it into a four person game of twister just as it got interesting.

Conceal it in Andrew Bolt's glove box.

No, better yet, the life sized replica of Matilda the winking Kangaroo from the '82 Commonwealth Games he has in the back yard which he enters now and then to relive his 'glory days' like Michael Moore* (*From Frontline, not the fat leftist.)

He's not that fat anyway.

String a whole bunch of rabid animals to a sleigh and whisk them through a mall thoroughfare encouraging all the children to approach and pet them.

Shave them back and pretend they are an idiotic cousin.

Marry them to the neighbour's pet in an elaborate ceremony where you obtained religious ordainment via the internet for that sole purpose.

Drop it – mission impossible style – into a crowded Ashram just as the Sitars reach a crescendo.

Replace 'Shooto the human cannonball' with a rabid animal and crank the cannon around so it points at the fucking clown cars out back where those clown fuckers are standing around in their oversized water filled pants grumbling and having a smoke.

Strap it to your shoulder and if anyone points it out exclaim loudly 'holy fuck, I thought it was a penguin.'

Dress it in baby clothes and stick it in a pram then invite old ladies to coo over it.

Feed it crayons so its foam flecks become rainbow coloured.

Stick it in a paper bag, put it on someone's door step, light it, ring the door bell and run.

Tell Yoko to meet you at a certain time and place then throw her in a dumpster with the rabid animal and scream 'that's for wrecking the Beatles'.

Then take it around to Ringo's place … then Paul's … because why should the shittiest two still be here?

A pleasing bookend?

Put it in one of those 'cat exercise balls', wrap it in paper, then roll it into a shop.

Preferably DJs since I can't stand snooty make up people that look down on me.

Fill it with helium, take turns to suck from it, then sing pleasing melodies.

Call Dani Minogue and tell her you found one of her spare breasts then 'give it to her' when she turns up to claim it.

Set it loose in the Fox executive lounge to root out the pricks who cancelled half the best shows on tellie.

Any suggestions?

(Flaming bag photo courtesy of the Onion)