Sunday, April 30, 2006

Gee HM, why the downturn in blogging? You busy or something?

Well thanks for asking. Yes I am in fact. Very busy. A little thing called year six of my Masters (no I didn't fail anything - I'm doing one unit at a time and I had a two year break due to health issues). I'm nearly finished you see. But it does involve me staying back late at night at work, and going in on the weekends, in an effort to properly study my subject. And I'm not an idiot - I don't blog from work.

So yeah. Perhaps I am just posting up photos or the occassional past thing I wrote. What with uni and all I think that's fair enough.

Not long now right HM?

Well yes, that's true. This is the last unit I have to do. Then I can say I have a Masters. Of course I'm not going to stick that on a business card because only lame fuckwads put their less than PhD qualification on their business cards. In fact I once saw someone put their fucking Bachelors Degree on a business card. What a lamo.

Are they the sort of person that use a cursive or 'running writing' looking font for their name in their sig block on their emails then repeat their name in normal font under it like they fucking signed their email?

Yes they are. Fuckwads.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Dwarf Tossing

"Hey, this guy is useless ... he can't even get wood!'

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

KKK Ken !

From the vault of Harrangueman - a piece I wrote for a kewl zine on Chickens


Ken was invented by Mattel as something for Barbie to play with, despite the fact that his groinal bulge contained nothing but a trademark and a made in Hong Kong stamp. Though later this was amended to include a dapper pair of flesh coloured Y-fronts.

In the 80’s my brother had a Ken doll. It wasn’t because he too had a Barbie that needed something to take the focus off her weight. It was more because that year there had been a rush on action men – these bizarre figures whose hair resembled moss pets and you could rub it all off with your thumb in a matter of seconds. So with no action man, he moved to the next row and got a Ken.

Then what? What should Ken wear? The choice was limited – and my brother wanted to de-cissy Ken by giving him a man’s outfit. And there were some aplenty in the Action Man row. So back there he went.

He selected a Panzer Tank commander’s uniform, complete with tailored black SS uniform and the skull and crossed boned hat.

Blonde, blue eyed Ken. The epitome of Aryan Chic.

Barbie has been many things. Astronaut, Model, Teacher, Model, Scientist, Model, Photographer, and a Model. You name it – she’s been it. I even hear there’s a possible Vice President Barbie in the works – though for some reason Mattel did not think the Commander in Chief would have been a big seller. Still a big improvement on Dick Cheney, and quite ironic since they both have plastic in their chests.

Anyway, I don’t think she was ever sold under the label of ‘Final Solution Barbie’. Though the activity play set with the drainless showers and triple coil razor wire would have looked neato.

So sadly Mattel never took the logical step my brother did and geared Ken up for another niche market. Why not? Jewelled Ken was a rip snorter of a success in the gay community. Just imagine the sales they could have gotten with Stalag Ken in the hitherto untapped doll market of right wing extremists.

Think a bit harder Mattel.

The original metrosexual doll man - shaving ken !

For the full history of Shaving Ken goodness, scope out this site here.

I swear to God it fully sounds like something Waylon Smithers would have written for Stacycon.

And I'll see you at the Airport Hilton in '96.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Big Brother 2006 starts !

... yay ...

Conscience of the federal Liberal party survives pre-selection

Not only did Georgiou beat down neo-con former Downer advisor and most likely responsible for the release of the Top Secret memo to Andrew Bolt, Josh Frydenberg, Georgiou crushed him.

Final vote was 62 Vs 22.

Take that ultra right wing dry fuckers.

See the SMH story here

Doncha just love politics?

Memo to Josh Frydenberg. Next time you tilt at politics try taking on a marginal seat and earning your stripes. Something I note the Libs mocked the ALP for just a few short months ago.

Duane Dibbley

Saturday, April 22, 2006


As a kid us boys in my family evolved a complete slang language, not unlike the secret language of twins, that was used solely to describe bits of lego. We were lego mad we were, and as such needed shorthand to describe our needs. A 'flat fourie' was a flat piece that had two by four bumps. A 'hingie' was one of the gray 'fat two pointers' hooked into to another fat two pointer that formed a hinge. 'Fat wheels' where the big arsed rubber wheels that hooked into a fat block, while 'smallie wheels' where the normal wheels with the grip on them.

Later at school there was more localised slang. I didn't come up with this one, but it worked well and I have kept it long into my adult life. 'Tan Shoot', to describe someone who is an arsehole. The logic being, presumably, that the rectal passage is tan in colour as it is a passage for poop.

So, Tanshoot. Grouse word.

I can't think of any others right now, and I am procrastinating on my writing project and competing for word count with mah bestie Mazzer (whose 1297 words up on me as I type).

But, I remembered this and it made me laugh. Here in Oz we call sleeveless white singlets 'wife beaters'.

I know wife beating isn't usually funny. It's as funny as S11 jokes are when you were still in September of 2001. Or like that time that I heard about the Thredbo mud slide and made the comment that there would be a number of second hand audis hitting the market real soon.

Wife Beaters, the garb of choice to flop around home in, if you're of that particular spousal abusing demographic.

Check out the wiki article here

Any odd slang from your neck of the woods? If so slang away !

Friday, April 21, 2006

Shoot to Kill - the Nepalese King

If you hadn't had noticed the Nepalese King has ordered a shoot to kill policy on people breaking curfew. So thousands went out to dare him to do just that.

Nepal alas is a basket case. One the one hand you have a King who inherited his job when his nephew high on cocaine slaughtered the rest of the family, and who banned parliament and became an absolute ruler. On the other hand you have equally whacked Maoist terrorists in the countryside killing anyone with a snifter of government and dragooning rurals and their kids into an ideological war that is more suited to 1950's cultural revolution.

A horrible, unpleasant, sticky mess of yuck yuck.

Unfortunately there is no oil so the US will be unable to intervene :)

Check out the SMH article here

From Crikey - the snipped pic of The Advertiser reporting on Howard's anti English teacher stance

Thursday, April 20, 2006

An NB: from the guinness world records

My wife got home from a trip away and in our debrief she mentioned about it being impossible to lick your own elbow, though she did concede that licking the elbow of a severed arm would in fact be possible.

But still, I believe it was possible to do it even with out a severed limb so to google we went. We came across the guinness world records site on the issue - which you can find here

This was my favourite bit of the entry;

" Contrary to popular urban legend, it is quite possible to lick your own elbow. Guinness World Records receives about five claims a day for this and we would like to stress the following point: being able to lick your own elbow is not, in any sense, a world record."

I love the fact they felt they had the need to spell that last bit out.

Go you good thing.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Forensic Psychiatry

"He's dead ... and he didn't like his mother."

Monday, April 17, 2006

Inspired by an LA Times article (see link at end)

Osama is an Ass

An opinion piece by Khalid Shaikh Mohammed

Osama is an Ass. A complete and total one. If you looked up the word Ass in a Koran approved dictionary then there should be a picture of Osama.

Why? I’ll tell you why. The man couldn’t organise a mass casualty event to save his life.

Everyone talks about the evil Osama behind S11. I’ll tell you this, there wouldn’t be an S11 if Osama had his way. Not ‘cause he didn’t want to blow the infidel to hell – he did – it’s just that he kept meddling.

‘Oh include Khalid Almihdhar,’ he’d say. ‘He’s a good man, a good man.’ Almihdhar was an idiot ! He couldn’t speak English. How’s he going to blend in Osama? Huh? ‘Yes sir, how can I help you? Azah Bulah badah dibby dibby’. That travel agent – straight on to the FBI.

And that’s not all. Check out this fucker. Al-Qahtani, a Bedouin. Had never seen a plane in his life before he was sent to the US. Thank Allah for me that
Qah-loser blew his chance of getting into the country when he gave his bags to the customs agent, and told him to ‘bring a camel around chop, chop.’

And another thing, like the dropping of hints. Remember the war Osma? Loose lips sink yankee pig dog ships? Well he kept flapping his lips about the operation, giving little teasers at meetings – like when he rubbed his pectorals and shouted ‘soon the twin peaks will be dust’. Fortunately for me those who viewed that pathetic unfunny scene simply assumed Osama had been at the hash pipe again.

Then he kept exhorting inductees at the camps to ‘pray for the souls of 20 soon to be martyrs’, then stuck his arms out and zoomed around the dusty parade ground making jet noises.

What a spastic!

I tell you this. S11 happened not because of Osama, but in spite of him. I would rather discover heaven has run out of virgins and has had to recruit the trailer trash droppings from some tornado destroyed caravan park where their women’s bits are so over-used that they sag between their knees, than ever work with Bin Laden again.

I swear to Allah, that with some of the stupid crap he came up with, like driving a herd of rabid camels into an American army camp, or sending Bush a ten gallon hat of C4, made him sound less like Bin Laden and more like Bin Drinkin’.

See original article here

Arguing Politics and Religion

There's that adage that 'don't talk politics or religion'. Hell I do both. And it's bound to stir something up. Especially when either party is passionate about it.

It's especially hard when you gloss over the failings on your side of the political fence to magnify the errors of your opposite. And I admit to doing it on occasion. I try to be rational about it, but then I am always dragging new points that had nothing to do with the original argument to prove a point. A rapidly swelling point of 'I hate X' to 'And let's not forget Y, Z, AA, AB, AC through to IV'.

(That was an excel joke. If you got it you are likely a nerd).

So apologies to anyone that comes here then gets a spray of bilious venting from yours truly. I certainly don't mean to git yer gander up. But, well, life is supposed to be passionate. Otherwise your '-' is filled with eating, sleeping, going to the toilet, working, and thinking about sex a lot. All fine things, but there's no marrow in life there.

Unless, of course, you snapped the spine of a living sheep and sucked out its tangy bone innards like its back bone was the straw in a meatshake.

Mmmm, meatshake.

Back to uni. Sigh. I'm hating this so much. 'Just three more months, just three more months, just three more months...'

BTW places not to argue politics and religion. At a Dinner Party where not all the guests are good friends outside the party. Or with a racist half deaf in law. Or on occasion with your parents.

But here in Blogland, well lock and load ladies. I've yet I think to boil my argument down to 'well I think you're nothing but a fuckwit and therefore don't think your argument is valid as there are no facts to support your assertations - only your fuckwittedness', although I admit I have called people I disagreed with, such as the government of Singapore, fuckwits for their stance on Capital Punishment being applied for those foolish renough to walk into Singers with just enough mul to get a van full of Grateful Dead 'Deadheads' toasted. Nicely, nicely toasted...

If you want to comment on that last one, do it in the Blog in question. I think it was back in November.

What about you lads? Ever got into a P&R argument with someone that started getting a bit nasty? Ever meet someone whose views on matters temporal or spiritual governance that got you so worked up that you had trouble actually understanding their point of view?

It happens to me all the time. I just got to try and be more rational about it when I argue :). Keep the passion sure, but combine it with some tasty grooves of logic.

This is HM, signing off. To the spaceship !

The Rehabilitation of Pauline H

I've blogged about this before. The fact that Oz media, specifically TV companies, have resurrected Pauline Hanson from freaked out racist fry cook to enigmatic public figure.

Tonight she was on that '20 to 1' show hosted by the man who can't die Bert Newton. Asked her opinions on a range of Aussienalia that we find grouse.

The moment I saw her I flipped over to 'Everyone Hates Chris' on Ten instead.

Why are the opinions on a sheetless Klanswomen considered valid? Surely her racist spray that caused a hardening to the right in this country does not deserve to be given creedence by her appearing on light entertainment? Or is it that she has softened in the eyes of many and, hey well, she's entitled to her 'If you see this, Eye have been muirdered' opinions - she's a good egg at heart - Australians should see her dance across the screen with Darryl, or share a joke with Bert?

I don't know. I confess I find her fascinating in the way you rubber neck when passing a car accident. Maybe that's it. She's put on these shows not because people like her, but because she's the 'personality' equivalent of Alice's Adventures through the Windshield Glass?

Your views lads. Is Ms Hanson rehabilitated? Why do you think light entertainment Australia keeps beating a path to her 'now a real estate agent in southern queensland' door?

That being said, I'll say one thing for her. When she got out of jail after it was found her using a Tennis Club consitution as the blueprint for One Nation was not illegal (among other things), she did note that spending time with some aboriginal australian women had opened her eyes to their plight. I just hope she still has some of that compassion she expressed in her that she expressed back then. Except of course, she continued the same strident broken voiced crap in the wake of the Cronulla riots so I'd be surprised if she did.

By the way, the Margot Kingston Book 'Off the Rails' where Kingston followed Hanson's 98' re-election contest is a cracking read. A real contrast of misguised grassroots Vs the slick political machine of the big parties. Happy to loan it to anyone that wants.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

From the vault of Harrangueman - two more turkeys

Young Liberals to Celebrate Rousing Win with Monogrammed Monocles

The Young Liberals have called for quotes for 500 units of monocles monogrammed with the phrase ‘Celebrating our manifest destiny, Howard wins in 2007' running along the rim.

'We plan to have everyone who wants them to sign up at Thursday’s meeting,' said Tarquin Sevrington III, local branch president. 'We will then arrange the a time to have casts made of the bone structure between the eyebrow, cheek, and nose, to ensure an optimal fitting.'

‘Additional phrases will be available to compliment this homage, including ‘Saluting our grey master Ruddock’, ‘Vaunting our Vanstone’, and of course ‘Alexander Downer, hurruh, hurruh, hurruh’.

The young liberal president said the monocles had been tested under field conditions and they will not interfere with the ability to take digital photos from slow moving cars.

'The last thing we want when making up our list of members to be expelled for being within five metres of an opposition ‘how to vote’ spruiker, is being unable to confirm identity because a monocle shadow obscured the shot,' explained Mr Sevrington.

‘Frankly five metres is very generous,' said the local branch president. 'If I had my way I would restrict members to voting in a specific delineated booth where our polo mallet armed members, wearing distinctive arm bands to ensure visibility, can create a ‘corridor of freedom’ and beat down any rabid trotskyist who approaches.’

Victorian Police Force to use Semi Automatics – will make extra judicial execution more efficient

The Victorian Police Commissioner Christine Nixon has announced that the police force will upgrade from ‘slow .38’s’ to much faster, and more lethal semi automatics, most likely Glocks as used by the NSW Police Force. A move welcomed by the Victorian Police Association.

‘When trying to shoot a criminal in the back there is always the chance that you can miss,’ said Police Association secretary Sergeant Dicko ‘kill ‘em’ Ross. ‘A glock means we can send 13 bullets at them instead of just 6, thus better ensuring their death when they run backward at us armed with a knife.’

Criminals have routinely been better armed for years, commonly using such high powered semi automatic weapons when shooting fellow criminals, when they haven’t contracted corrupt drug squad detectives to do it for them.

‘What we really should have is a machine pistol, like a MAC 10 or an MP-5,’ said ‘Kill ‘em’, holding his hand out and making a rsssp noise to simulate a high volume of fire. ‘But the force is simply too faint hearted to give us that level of fire power.’

The Police Association has also recommended that pursuit vehicles get fitted with some form of rocket launcher, and that phone books bought by the department should be ‘better damage resistant’ to prevent ‘excessive wear and tear by officers in the course of their duties.’

Mr Fixit

Well today I went into a hardware store, bought a door handle, went home and fitted it myself. Of course it took the wife to come home and realise that in order to prevent out cats pushing said door open, the tongueplate needed to be a tad lower to the tongue thingy would actually click in place when you shut it. So she fixed that.

All in all a Mikey + Wife combo = fixed door.

I believe that's the first maintenance I have ever done inside a home. Which makes me a tad pathetic. But still all fixed. Go me. Er ... us.

As I live in a rental property generally I have never had to do this. But I have found that what seems irritating to me and I would like to see it fixed means weeks waiting. That being said our real estate is the best we have ever had. The man bends over backwards to help us.

We got robbed two weeks into moving into this house. They got in through a window that did not have any window locks. Not only did our real estate agent get that fixed within a day, he stuck in sensor lighting as well.

Truly awesome.

That being said, we have had some shockers. This includes.

Telling a real estate agent we were going to re-sign the lease, then returning home after an operation only to find an eviction notice (we were paying month by month). This so the owner could move in for two months while he was back from overseas.

The maintenance man letting himself into our house at 7 am with his kid in tow to fix a lock. While we were asleep (he'd rung first but who answers the fucking phone at 6.50 am on a Saturday?)

Sending pool maintenance people around our backyard without telling us first.

Not providing a key to bedroom lock then claiming we had to get in a locksmith and get said door opened ourselves when we accidentially locked it (a push button lock).

We really should have said something but we liked the house so didn't want to cause a fuss. Then of course we got the eviction letter. What a pack of cunts.

And you? Any shocker landlord stories? Alternatively done anything sketchy to a house that you rented?

I think the worst thing I did was burn 'MIKEY' into a foam matress with a fire poker when I was drunk then leave it in the shed when we moved. I got a call asking if we'd left it there. I said 'No, must have been another Mikey that did that.'

The worst part of renting is cleaning the old place when you move out. Then they take fucking ages to do the inspection and hold up your bond. I once had a call 10 days after we'd moved out asking us to return to clean the soap scum out of the soap holder. We lived on the other side of town and my wife had the car and was in Sydney. So I sure as fuck was not going to catch a bus to do that so I told them to do it themselves. They billed us $20.

I really have to be more assertive.

Trouble is that here in Oz some real estate agents have a black list that they will list clients on. And you have to pay to get your name off it. Sounds like blackmail to me.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

More failed submissions !

Dolmio releases new Omerta sauce

Dolmio today released their new Omerta sauce, the launch held in a disused warehouse down at the dock district. 

"The launch was a complete success," spluttered account manager Simon Morton, tied bleeding to a chair as he was worked over by Tony “Big Legs” Agumbo. "We expect market dominance shortly."

"If Uncle Ben and Paul Newman know what’s good for them, they’ll look at divesting themselves from that segment of the food industry," said Mr Morton, before he had his voice muffled with his own severed penis.
"You donta say nuthin’ about our sauce," added "Big Legs" to assembled guests. "Or your wife getta your body back but donta know ever where you head is, eh?"   

Omerta sauce is expected to increase market share with an aggressive campaign over the next few weeks to car bomb or disappear key personnel of rival brands.

Bin Laden does a passable Bin Shady

Bin Laden was reported to have done a passable Bin Shady last night according to other occupants of the terror leader’s cave.
"Did you see Osama?" said El Muktar Sabet, mastermind of the USS Cole bombings, "He was fully sick, man."  

The cave is reported to have little in the way of entertainment, apart from a plasma screen TV that came with a karaoke function.
Bin Laden, who is said to be a big fan of decadent western rap music as it confirms the supposition that American society has a decayed heart that will soon crumble in the face of Allah, also performed other Eminem songs that night, including cave crowd favourite ‘without me’.

'When he sang ‘the trailer park girls go round the outside’ I thought I would f_cking spew man,' said Zebyet Kulzameth, financier for the Uzbekistan uprising.

Bin Laden also enjoys the work of ‘Fiddy cent’, Tupac, and Biggie Smalls.
However Laden dislikes the work of Run DMC, which resulted in the assassination of Jam Master Jay by an Al’Qaeda operative.
‘Osama felt the Jam Master had lost his roots,’ said Al Kewial, demolition expert. ‘And other members of the rap community needed to be reminded to stay humble and be true.’
Osama said Eminem better clean up at next years Grammy’s or the US will suffer the full wrath of Allah.

‘On the can’ Bush ‘Flight Suit’ Action figure play set sells out

The new limited edition play set of the Commander in Chief on the can, his flight suit around his ankles on the floor as he chortles at the latest editorial in the New York Post has sold out according to the manufacturers.
'God bless the en-suite of the President of the United States of America,' said spokesman Arnie Flit. 'His movements meant we moved 20k units in the space of a week.'
The play set, which comes with dog tags that say commander in chief, as opposed to the ones not worn by Bush when he didn’t serve in Vietnam, trigger the set to make a number of phrases. Such as Just a Second”, “I’m outta crap paper,” and “Awwweeeeyeah. Now that’s a Mission Accomplished.”

Future play sets include Bush sitting on the couch watching his rigged election votes come in, tonguing off barney the dog, and a youthful naked Bush on all fours, ringed by candles, in supplication before his paddle wielding dark masters of the Skull and Bones.

Cowardly Lion Packing a Shiv

Emerald City; Oz; The Cowardly Lion is packing a shiv according to other prisoners of the specialist rehabilitation centre known as Emerald City in the Oswald Maximum Penitentiary.

'Cowardly Lion was pegged as a b*tch on day one,' said Ryan, Irish con. 'He came to me for a blade and I sold it to him for two bags of t*ts.'

'Ho boy, ho boy come near me and I’ll cut you,' said the Lion while circled by Adabezi and other cons trying to ‘taste’ his sweet sweet candy.

Left: 'I gots a shiv, ho boy.'

The Lion is apparently looking for a protector, willing to give it up to one for protection from the others.

'I just wanna be able to take a shower without ending up with my ass hanging out my butt hole, ho boy ho boy,' he said.

Teacher fails to bust cordon of students watching fight

A fight at Elmston Primary went on longer than usual today when the teacher responding failed to bust the cordon of cheering students.

'They were packed in like sardines,' said Mr Casey, brushing dirt off his belted shorts and long socks from being pushed to the ground. 'I just couldn’t get leverage.'

Casey made a number of additional failed attempts to prise apart students to enter the fighting circle before giving up and going to the nearby PE teachers common room for help.

As a result a number of students suffered due to the fight’s overly lengthy duration.
In addition to the fighters, who required a trip to casualty, four other children badly strained their voices in the encounter, not having expected to shout ‘fight, fight, fight,’ for such a long time. While two other students had forgotten to take their hats to the play lunch and suffered heat stroke.

The school is ensuring that future on duty teachers have a body weight-mass index capable of puncturing a future fight crowd picket.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Two submissions to mags that got rejected - probably because at least one of them is offensive :)

Nave Not OH&S Compliant According To Evangelistic Safety Officer

The nave at the local Praise God Amphitheatre in Campbelltown Sydney is not OH&S compliant according to Edward Fenway, Occupational Health and Safety officer for the Armies of God network.

'We have to allow three square metres per convulsing parishioner, based on the standard 12.7% going to tongues progression rate,' said Mr Fenway.'But this well meaning but not well designed nave only allows for a paltry 7.8%.'

According to Mr Fenway an overcrowded nave containing the religiously ecstatic in severe convulsions can lead to potential injuries.

'I don’t know about you, but when I become one with the Lord and his divine phrases tumble forth from my unworthy lips, the last thing I want is a flailing kick to the temple,' said Mr Fenway.

Other possible injuries include lower back strain, carpet burn, and trodden fingers.

'We recommend shag carpeting to cut down on abrasions,' said Mr Fenway. 'As opposed to this nightmarish synthetic wool blend that is clearly the work of Satan and his many chain stores of carpet wholesaler evil.'

Mr Fenway noted that unlike walking again, cancer, and demonic possession, carpet burn is an awkward malady to heal through faith.

'The healer has to place his hands upon the affliction,' Mr Fenway explained. 'Then push the subject over. If the burn is upon the knees it means they have to get down low to the ground, risking burns themselves, and push where the body is most stable.'

Mr Fenway’s report will recommend widening of the aisle and the gap between the chairs and lectern, replacement of the carpet, and that the tablecloth sized banners with the ten commandments, that hang from the roof from heavy wooden poles, be double bolted.

'It would be most ironic if commandment number four, though shall not break the Sabbath, broke free from the roof during a celebration of our Lord and fractured the skull of a worshipper below.'

Teenage Mutant Buys Turtle; Calls It Ninja

Teenaged cleft palate sufferer Simon Summers today purchased a turtle, which he has decided to name Ninja, in deference to the Japanese assassins of the Middle Ages.

Simon, who suffers from congenital fissure in the roof of the mouth, resulting from incomplete fusion of the palate during embryonic development, which can occur in as many as one in every 1,000 pregnancies, said Ninja was clearly the best turtle in the world.

'Ninja ith my fwend and I love him loths,’ said Simon, who plans to deck out Ninja’s fish tank in an oriental weapons motif, and place within the tank a small Yoshida Isoya, or Japanese arch, that Ninja can swim through if it takes his fancy.

‘I’m going to make a hood and thome two toed bootsth for his little feet,’ said Simon, who harbors a fantasy the Ninja apparel would somehow infuse the Pseudemys Scripta with the ancient oriental art of discreet death dealing. Then, late at night, that it would sneak from its tank to decapitate those that mocked Simon’s affliction.

‘They will all pay,’ said Simon. ‘With their headth.’

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Dominatrix Deems Safety Word Offensive

Sydney, Australia; Dominatrix, Mistress Skin Stripper, denied services to local bigot Adrian Verdent, after his choice of safety word was made clear.

Verdent, strung up in the Mistress's wheel of pain clad only in a stud covered jock strap and gimp mask asked for his safety word, a verbal command to indicate that his was worried for his person and that any masochistic acts being committed on his body was to cease immediately, to be that which is commonly used as a derogatory term to describe those of African descent.

'What did you say?' had screamed Mistress Skin Stripper, demanding Verdent repeat the word, with Mr Verdent happily restating his choice believing it to be part of the oncoming inflict pain game.

Mistress Skin Stripper then told him in no uncertain terms that his use of that word was incredibly offensive and she would not longer proffer her services of whipping with an ultra fibreglass rod, nor shove an orange in his anus as previously arranged.

'Cocksucker, mother-fucker, fuck, shit, cunt, cock, and pussy; none of these words are offensive in my trade. But his [Verdent's] choice of safety word is clearly out of line. Let someone else grease their hand up and manipulate citrus fruit into his rectum.'

Mr Verdent was then unceremoniously taken off the wheel of pain, but not before being spun a few times first by the brothel bouncer, Washington Smith, a US national that happened to be working cash in hand in brothel security, supplementing his United Negro College Fund study scholarship with some extra funds.

'Let's just say on his way out of the building I educated Mr Verdent about the correct usage of "Nigger". For instance, who exactly could use it, and reinforcing the fact that the only pale white cracker on this planet who has carte blanche to say it is Quentin Tarrantino. Even then only if Samuel Jackson happens to be in the room with him at the time to protect his skinny white ass from any other brother in earshot.'

Mr Verdent was last seen having his head used to open the fire door then thrown across an alley into a dumpster.

Dodgy Daily Tele

The dodgy daily tele is at again, stalking Eric Roozendaal transport minister, sticking a photo of his car in the bus lane on the front page.

Cue Photo

Now I can't be sure, but do you think there is a chance this photo was taken from a car behind the minister which would mean that ... the car hosting the Daily Tele's photographer was ...

... in the bus lane too?

See story here

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Your time starts now...

I love the Sydney Morning Herald. It's one of the finest papers on the planet. And I love their Good Weekend colour supplement. And in the Good Weekend they have this thing called 'Your Time Starts Now' where they give celebs a bunch of questions to reveal stuff about them.

I am never going to be famous. I will likely die fat and embittered. However, I'm not waiting for that to happen just yet, so I figured I will have a crack at this, fame though I not have.

If you want, you do the same on yer blog (or in the comments on this one if you don't have yer own blog turf carved out).

Here we go.

My earliest memory is ... standing in the cabin of a combine harvester aged about three.

At school I ... used to rub cheese along my thigh into a big jelly like snake, covered in grime, then eat it. The kid who ate worms has nothing on me.

My first relationship was ... not good. I just crushes on every girl who was pretty or nice to me and never ever got past the cow eyed look of longing stage.

I don't like talking about ... cricket, oh no, I hate it !

I wish I had never worn... my brown outfit - desert boots, brown corduroy pants, dark brown velvet jumper - I looked like a bouncer at a nightclub owned by Mr Hanky, the Christmas Poo

My mother always told me... stop playing with yourself.

I wish I had ... done all the pre-reading for my undergrad uni course.

I wish I hadn't ... done a whole host of things that still make me cringe 20 years later.

My most humiliating moment was ... telling my mum she was a cynic and evil for no reason at all, then watching her face fall with sadness.

My happiest moments were ... lying in the sun watching Saturday morning TV

At home I cook ... pancakes and open steak sandwiches.

My last meal would be ...
pancakes and open steak sandwiches.

My favourite gadget is ... my PC - he's awesome.

When I was a child I wanted to be... a jet pilot vicar.

The book that changed my life is ... Catch 22 - I realised the power of books when I read that. And to think it was a school set text.

It's not fashionable but I love ... playing Warlords II, a game from 1994.

Perhaps I should have studied... law. I have immense respect for lawyers that stand up for people.

What I don't find amusing is... federal politics.

Friends say I'm... angry and jolly. Jangry? Or Aolly?

If I wasn't me I'd like to be... you (creeped out huh?)

At the moment I'm reading... hang on I'll just get it ... Titmuss Regained by John Mortimer - the dude who wrote Rumpole and who has spent 30 odd years standing up for people as a barrister.

My favourite work of art is... my wife

I often wonder... why I keep saying 'now what was his name?' in my head whenever I'm drifting off in thought.


Now you !

My earliest memory is ...
At school I ...
My first relationship was ...
I don't like talking about ...
I wish I had never worn ...
My mother always told me ...
I wish I had ...
I wish I hadn't ...
My most humiliating moment was ...
My happiest moments were ...
At home I cook ...
My last meal would be ...
My favourite gadget is ...
When I was a child I wanted to be ...
The book that changed my life is ...
It's not fashionable but I love ...
Perhaps I should have studied ...
What I don't find amusing is ...
Friends say I'm ...
If I wasn't me I'd like to be ...
At the moment I'm reading ...
My favourite work of art is ...
I often wonder ...

How not to make friends

I am a fire warden in my work. It's a thankless job that earns no extra pay, is irritating, and earns you the scorn of others.

Recently we had an alarm go off. The alert tone sounded to inform people to pack their bags, lock their computers, and get ready to go. My job is to attend the phone and let people know to get ready. Then, if the evac sounds, check everyone is there then lead them to safety. During the alert phase you're not supposed to leave the building or use the lifts and stairs (so we can account for people and to leave the stairs free for people like firies or floors that are evacuating ahead of us).

The alert tone went off five minutes before close of business. Five minutes ! If it had happened after 5 pm it would have been an automatic evacuation.

This happened on a Friday.

So, the end result, I had to stand in front of stairs and lifts with my shiny red hat telling people they could not go home. This lasted for 25 minutes. So what did some of the spack eyed evil mol women that work in my area do? Knowing the stair on the opposite of the building had no warden to direct them and watch the doors, they overtly sneered at me, and walked off in that direction so as to fuck off home and ignore all the established safety protocols.

Luckily for me my super boss, who was due in a meeting with the head of my department, listened and stayed where he was, and directed other people to do likewise.

It was a false alarm but it still shits me. People in my org think we're a joke.

Do you have idiots in your work that treat things like safety like it's an irritation to get past than something that should be an automatic thought process?

Went and saw V for Vendetta

Friggin' excellent. If you're looking for a kewl movie that has action, suspense, with socio-political comment it's the film for you. It's an eye opener that's for sure, especially how it reveals the slippery slope where voting according to fears instead of what is just can lead.

There's this line 'a revolution without dance ... is no revolution.'
I laughed heartily and realised I was the only one. I kind of went 'HAHAHAHAH ... oops (sotto) sorry'. Alas for me, I managed to spark the wife off with a giggle fit.

I hate being the only one laughing. It makes me sound retarded.

Like when I was at uni watching Full Metal Jacket. I thought the bullying PTI played by R Lee Ermery was just piss funny and I laughed and laughed and laughed - with my arms over the back of the chairs next to me just like a sans cigar Robert Deniro in Cape Fear.

Left: Does this man know how to party or what?

Then I looked around and saw all the other students looking at me with an expression of concerned horror.

I'm sure if they could have shifted seats away they would have done.

What about you out there in cyber land? Ever cracked up at something then realised painfully no one else thought it was funny? I once laughed at a man with muscular dystrophy. How bad is that? And no, it wasn't Steady Eddy.

Friday, April 07, 2006


Compromise can be a wonderful thing. When two disagreeing parties meet, discuss, each give up something, then reach an accord. Every deal is a compromise of some kind.

Except of course, when one of the parties in a deal has all the power. To coin a Puzoism, to make offers that they know can't be refused.

Which brings us to the Howard government. Howard was forced to compromise a bit. To get his 'Never Ever' GST up he had to cut a deal with the Dems that saw fresh food excised, leading potentially to the nightmare of the Hewson can't explain cake. They compromised with Harradine for whatever Harradine wanted – Telstra one I think. Hell they compromised with that miner that ended up in the Senate for Pauline Hanson's One Nation – Len Harris? I think so. And the ALP compromised to push through the recent hideous rights stripping legislation so they would not be seen as weak on the exaggerated threat of Suburban terror.

But now the Liberals don't have to compromise do they? Because they have the Senate. Hence Work Choices, which no other party backed. Hence the final sale of Telstra. And soon changes to electoral law.

Sure there will be conservatives who carp with glee about how 'well that's what Australian's wanted' and smugly grin that we got the government we deserved. Well, I disagree. The senate voting is a labyrinth of a system. With proportional voting, with shares of a total percentage pool, and with a system of alliances and preference exchanges that would do a Calabrian family proud, it was but by the grace of luck the Coalition scored the Senate – and boy are they using it to their advantage.

But, this aside, and in politics it is about the deal. And deals do require compromise. What of the role of principles?
Principles are just one element in the deal. But to me they are very important.

Because with out principles what are we? How do you trust a government, or a person, that seems to lack principles?
I'm not talking about Liberal party principles. Which are great I'm sure. I'm talking about common principles that most of us hold dear. Moral behaviour.

Here's just three.

· Being honest in your dealings ("never, ever"; children overboard; core Vs non core promises; tax code less than with a GST than with; AWB; etc, etc)

· Looking out for your fellow man (work choices, removal of dental benefit; targeting unions as a political revenge exercise)

· Being accountable (children overboard; throwing citizens out of the country; AWB; interest rates)

The above of course are my opinion, and I am happy to hear yours on the matter.

All of us lie and cheat in degrees. I think I read somewhere that people tell something like 200 white lies a day. You lie about how you feel about people, you make excuses to avoid hurting people's feelings or getting in trouble. Husbands lie to wives, wives to husbands, kids to dad, dad to kids (Santa, Easter Bunny etc). By and large I think most of us, when we lie or cheat do it not as a personal triumph but to avoid a hurt for either us or someone else.

But when you're in government, and the stakes are so very, very high, lying through your teeth, and failing to take accountability isn't poor governance, it seems it's great politics. As Maggie Thatcher once said, Never say Sorry, Never explain. Because if someone refuses to apologise and make amends, and does so until they are blue in the face, a normal person – someone like you and me – either thinks they are a lying psycho in need of help – or they start to question their thinking. Am I right to think they are a lying unprincipled sack of shit? They haven't said sorry and they denied it even happened, or that they knew about what happened. Maybe I'm the one at fault? Maybe my expectations are too high.

Compromise in politics is part and parcel of politics. But where it gets iffy is where principles like the ones listed above get compromised. Hell, all political parties do it (except it seems the Greens as they've yet to be in that position to have to do so). The ALP said they would not sell Qantas or the Commo bank and they did. The Dems said they wouldn't budge on books and the GST and they did.

They compromised themselves and I believe they paid the penalty in the end. The ALP got voted out because they were seen as shifty and not responding to the needs of the people. The Dems took a caning for dealing with the devil (as a lot of Dems are more left wing than the ALP).

The Liberals however, by a lucky roll of the senatorial dice, got the Senate.
And why was that?

Deny, deny, deny. Didn't happen and if it did, didn't know about it.

Some principles.

Unless of course you consider these principles of success rather than principles of doing the right thing.

I suppose a counter argument is principles don't put food on the table. Sure, that's true. But at night, when the lights are out, at the end of the day you're alone with yourself.

So can you go to sleep at night, footloose and fancy free, confident you did the right thing even if you had to fuck over a large amount of people? Are you comfortable with the choices you made that day, and that you worked to the benefit of those that needed it and not those that don't and did so in a morally clean way where you could hold your head up high and say I did good and I can do better?

Or are you unprincipled
duded up egg sucking gutter trash?

Left: Are you duded up egg sucking gutter tash?

By the way, check the Australian Public Service Code of Conduct. You can find them here. My favourite one is the first one.

The Code of Conduct requires that an employee must:

  • behave honestly and with integrity in the course of APS employment;
  • act with care and diligence in the course of APS employment;
  • when acting in the course of APS employment, treat everyone with respect and courtesy, and without harassment;
  • when acting in the course of APS employment, comply with all applicable Australian laws;
  • comply with any lawful and reasonable direction given by someone in the employee's Agency who has authority to give the direction;
  • maintain appropriate confidentiality about dealings that the employee has with any Minister or Minister's member of staff;
  • disclose, and take reasonable steps to avoid, any conflict of interest (real or apparent) in connection with APS employment;
  • use Commonwealth resources in a proper manner;
  • not provide false or misleading information in response to a request for information that is made for official purposes in connection with the employee's APS employment;
  • not make improper use of:
    (a) inside information, or
    (b) the employee's duties, status, power or authority,
    in order to gain, or seek to gain, a benefit or advantage for the employee or for any other person;
  • at all times behave in a way that upholds the APS Values and the integrity and good reputation of the APS;
  • while on duty overseas, at all times behave in a way that upholds the good reputation of Australia; and
  • comply with any other conduct requirement that is prescribed by the regulations (regulations available here)

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Howard - hey there are a few kewl things he's done

Running a government and running it well is the greatest challenge in the world. I have the utmost respect for politicians. It's a tough job made worse by carpering people like me bleating from the sidelines.

Now I don't like Howard. I believe Howard is a master politician that is not afraid to use things like people's fears to his political advantage. I'm sure he rationalises it as needing to be elected to get things done his way, but I think it's fucked and it's unprincipled. He's done a lot of fucked things in his time in office but, well, the point of this is that he's done a lot of good things as well.

Here's a few

Banning semi-autos. Yes gun phreaks will claim any one can get an illegal handgun and still commit a robbery. True, but the fact is they are illegal. And it makes it less likely for a sub-brain to get a hold of one and go ape shit.

East Timor. Now sending the letter on self determination in retrospect was like slamming a thread in a car door and watch it speed off while comically undressing the victim, but what's done is done. ET went to shit and Howard, and all credit to him, sent the lads in. Of course Indon had to give us permission and it's quite likely we would not have done so if they had said no, but we went in and the lads did a bang up job. The sharing the sea bed issue could have gone a lot better given their less than a dollar a day average income status, but still they became free and Howard was part of that. So kudos.

Ditto for Solomon's. An even better job. Oz saved lives and hopefully things will be left better than when we found it.

The economy. Look I'm of the firm belief that Howard was a benificiary of the ALP reforms of the late 80's and early 90's. The economy was on good footing when he got it, and some cosmetic repairs done he kept it going. But it didn't go into the toilet. There are of course big failings like the housing bubble, foreign debt, poor exports Vs imports, and setting up hundreds of thousands on fat mortgages so if interest rates go up they be fucked. But hey, that's what politicians do. The important thing is that unlike last time he was in power he has yet to severely fuck up.

Side note - you know that Beazley black hole wankery they were going on about? When the ALP got in back in 83 the Howard black hole in adjusted terms was something like three times bigger. However the work choices thing, well, that's just mean spirited and petty. But with the economy okay, and with people happily worried about it not being so, as the incumbent he has a lot on his side. It would be nice however if he restored things like the dental plan whose loss saw misery for thousands of Australians. The other thing too is that the treasury was run not by Howard, but by Uncle Pete, whose been a steady hand on the tiller. And unlike Howard is not actually a mean spirited prick (in my opinion - happy to hear people disagree).

I'm struggling to think of anything else I have approved of. Any ideas? What else do you think Howard has done that has been good for this country?

What do you think of this premise? It was once said of the US government of Saddam that he was a son of a bitch but he was our son of a bitch. Is that Howard? We acknowledge he's a ruthless pragmatist that's not afraid to engender fear for political success no matter the cultural damage, but he's our
ruthless pragmatist that's not afraid to engender fear for political success no matter the cultural damage?

The other thing I find completely delish is the fact that 'Honest John' was originally a term of abuse due to his fat lies about economic matters when the Fraser treasurer. But then it ended up being used the other way for a while.

Not now. Most polls, as far as you can trust 'em, seem to imply we all know his pants are on fire. But as long as he keeps the bank from our door that's fine.

Opinions? Yanks, throw in your 0.02. I'd like to hear it.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Sex = Life ?

I was having a trawl as you do through some blogs (thanks to the good people at Crikey who blogwatch the exciting e-finds), and I came across a Daily Telegraph (uk) interview with the Dali Lama.

Basically he was giving a no no to sex without the purpose of life. Which alas included gay sex.

I think the words he used basically implied unless it was a life hole, it was a banned hole as far as Buddhists were concerned.

Interview located here

Now the sex for life only is a regular haunt on religious morality listings. And by that extrapolation certain policies by certain governments back that view – hence the criminalisation of non vaginal sex right up until very, very recently in the legal scheme of things. Even now some political parties feel the need to raise the standards of decency as far as marriage is concerned to make sure that only life hole using people need apply.

First up, let me say the life hole gets the thumbs up. Well, not in that sense. In the approval sense. As a heterosexual male, the life hole be the cat's pyjamas as far as all of that is concerned.

But this idea that sex = life for the purpose of creation is somewhat anachronistic. I'm sure both the non life holes have been used as long as man was able to string two words together. There's probably cave-man graffiti featuring this predilection in certain fashionable caves where like minded cave-people let others of that persuasion know about it.

The fact is sex is fun. It's probably the most fun two people can have without resorting to expensive narcotics. And it’s an evolutionary thing that it's fun. Because if it wasn't fun it would basically be doing frantic push ups in something a bit icky. Basically, not that an attractive pastime and hence a species killer. Maybe the dodo's weren't wiped out by rats and sailors? Maybe Mr Dodo just couldn't convince Mrs D that the ruttin' and a humpin' was worth her attentions?

So, Sex = Fun and Sex also = Life. Because you need the Sex for the Life. Hence I suppose the Dali Lama's point about the life holes.

But it's possible to have fun and sex without having to just use Mr Life Hole. Like I said, such recreational use of the other holes has been happening since the dawn of time. Much literature about certain societies preference for such activities abounds – with some cultures having gleefully enjoyed the attentions related to non life holeness. And still managed to propogate the species while doing so.

Sex is the physical act of innie meets outie for sure. It's also the act of being as close and trusting with a person as you can be. It's the ultimate surrender of one's personal space. Or the ultimate acceptance of another person being worthy. It's also about physical sensations of pleasure that have been enjoyed by boys and girls seeking that ever since puberty knocked on their door at 3 am and they awoke to find an uncomfortable situation that could only be resolved by shoving their PJs down the bottom of the hamper. Sensations that need not be delivered by someone of the opposite sex and need not involve cramming the life hole with 'only a penis need apply.'

And for some people their preference is not innie meets outie. It could be an outie employed to work on a non-life hole, or two innie's using a fake outie, or someone who has an outie, engaged verbally with an innie. Whatever way they do it, someone is going to get their rocks off. And their sexual congress may or may not use the life hole, and so what?

After-all, there's six+ billion of us. Sex for the creation of life only is not needed, hell environmentally it's probably not desired. There's an awful lot of us on this planet, and as our eco-footprints grow, along with our population, it's only going to get worse. I suspect one day in the future most people will be tooling around with contraceptive implants and need to get a licence to actually be able to have a baby lest the earth give one final gasp, reach for a post coital ciggie, and die with a whimper.

Maybe I've see too much sci-fi.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Howard Speaks ! On Gay Marriage - truth is he doesn't think homosexuals don't have place in Oz

Here's Howard's rejoinder on Stanners fairly accurate comment of 'there's no place for Homosexuals in John Howard's Australia.' Taken from the SMH article here

Mr Howard denies his plans to veto the legislation are "anti-homosexual".

He says he is simply trying to uphold the special place marriage holds in Australia.

"This is not an anti-homosexual gesture. This is a gesture to support the special and traditional place of marriage as a heterosexual union for life of a man and a woman in Australian society," he told the Ten Network.

"Why we're against what the ACT is doing is that, in all but name, they are equating same-sex unions with marriage.

"I don't support that, not because I'm against homosexuals, but I think there should always be a margin for marriage as we understand it in our society ... you don't equate a gay union with a traditional marriage - that's our position."

In a word, bullshit. These are civil unions aiming to give gay couples similiar LEGAL rights akin to marriage. They are not asking to be married by a priest in a church - which you could argue is the white picket fence Howard idea of marriage. They just want, like most people, to have their union recognised so they don't have to make special allowances for things like Power of Attorney, dying intestate, and being the auto recepient of one's Superannuation.

How the fuck is that a threat to Traditional Marriage? I don't recall bible statements on 'fosorth, for a man and a woman in union will be entitled to each others superannuation, lest a goat lie with a serpent on the sabbath' or any other wanky crap like that. Why? Cause it's not fucking in there.

The western world has moved on Howard. Traditional marriage is good for some people, and well done. These are civil unions designed to lets gays be like everyone else who wants to have a legal status that affords them the legal norms that such a title gives.

Doesn't have to be a church. And it doesn't have to be a man and a woman.

Of course it still rankles me that we can't just open marriage to homosexuals. I would. Seperate but equal is the same mantra they used for Jim Crow laws in the states that kept African Americans in a semi-fuedal state of dependence on the white man, and in their place.

Like racism, treating people as specially different in any way other that to address entrenched inqueties is fucked up. We all come out of a vagina. It doesn't matter what colour we are, what culture we're raised in, or what hole of the body we prefer to focus on in a state of sexual heat.

Right on.

There is a place for homosexuals in John Howard's Australia. It's called a council toilet block at 3 am where god fearing decent hetros like Janet and himself don't have to see their bum filth paraded down the streets of Sydney. But hey, if they want to give themselves diseases well it's up to them. Just not near me thanks. And certainly not using a civil celebrant. That's just for hetrosexuals. And white people. With money. And certainly not trade unionists.

Remember people, Howard blows his dog whistle and bigots come a running to see what the latest horror us PC wallies are inflicting on decent people, earning a hard days pay for a hard days work.

Nail 'em up I say. Nail 'em up. Crucifixion's too good for them.

How again is Naomi Campbell a fashion icon?

Akerman V Stanhope

Piers Akerman, Gobbels-esq apologist for the Howard government, was on Insiders today. The subject of the ACT Labor party attempting to bring in civil unions so gay people can feel like they are part of society too came up.

Akerman's view? Why the common definition of marriage is a man and a woman (of course; I note he does not appear to be married; I'd say it's because he's found no one willing to spend their life with him). He then stuck the boot into our Stanners claiming the ACT Chief Minister and his government is 'the worst in Australia'.

I find this curious, since I regard it as one of the best. It does its best to marry the interests of the economy with the social and cultural needs and aspirations of its people. Maybe that comes up hard against Akerman's supply/demand concept of society. I'd suggest it does. But, at the end of the day, if people had to chose between Akerman running the ACT and Stanhope, I'd say not even Liberal party voters would vote for Akerman. Only the 5% of crazies that believe in Alien abduction and that all refugees are terrorists, and that aboriginies should be shot, would vote his way.

Akerman is simply ghastly. To call himself a journalist (which implies an objective mindset) is a diservice to journalists. He's a bigot, stirs up race issues, and has his lips so far up the Howard government's arse, they've rounded the lung and are heading up the throat towards the uvula.

What a fucking hopeless, boring, bigoted, wankerous twat. John Stanhope any day.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Random Musings - five random wiki articles

Did you know that of the bamboo lemurs , the Alaotran Gentle Lemur (Hapalemur alaotrensis) spends much of its time in water and can swim well?

That Mansfield in Texas is home to Kelly Clarkson?

That IU has several meanings, one of which is Izquierda Unida, a Spanish leftist political party?

That Sanjivani is a mythical magical herb which has the power to cure any malady?

And that Scottish Radio Holdings was once backed by Sean Connery?

I love Wiki. I could Wiki all day long. Have you Wiki'd today?

Random Musings - Porky's

It's on right now. I loved this movie as a kid. And bizarrely the sequel, which is awsome, actually has a message about the importance of about free speech. They should show this in Iraq.

Kim Cattrall played one of the minor roles. She's currently screaming in the throws of the world's loudest orgasm.

I looked it up in Wiki. Though it's American filmed, it is actually a fully funded Canadian production ... which makes it a Canadian movie.

And according to the Wiki article on Porky's it is one of Canada's highest grossing films ... along with The Care Bears Movie.

I love Wiki. So full of interesting things.

Presenting the crest of my HeroQuest character, Grouldout the Dwarf