Wednesday, November 30, 2005
As such I am the proud member of the 'greatly increased likelihood of chronic illness' club.
Today I was suitably worried about symptoms to see my local physician. And discussing with him these delightful items was not pleasant. Descriptions like 'as if an out of tune violin was twanging in my gut' was easy to roll out. Admitting to painful ejaculation in certain positions was not. As was the consistency of my stool - including red bits and the reasons for them.
So blood/urine tests for HM tomorrow on the way back to work from the uni function I am attending (function = three study buddies).
But as a result of our chat today I had "it" again for the second time. The first time I was unconscious. This time I was not.
I felt bad for him. I would think performing this check up on a 'neck to thigh' hairy man of a generous build, who was sitting with nervous sweat beading in his undies, would be enough to ruin his day. So I was apologising when I had to roll on my side, dak myself, and bring my knees up to my bulbous tum.
He was as gentle as he could be, but f_ck me (literally) if it doesn't hurt as all f_ck when a doc has lubed up fingers jammed as far up your arse as it can possibly go, and subsequently spends half a minute digging around to try and reach the prostate.
I'm guessing that manly men who do not like experiencing the joys of digital rectal fun are the ones that don't get their prostate check done on a regular basis. I can see their point. Well two points given the number of fingers on the go. In the words of Fletch, I did wonder if the doc had his whole fist up there at one point.
Fortunately from what he could reach of said prostate he thinks it is merely tender than ripe for cancer. But the blood/urine will check that for sure.
But as for severe abdominal cramping and searing rectal pain that I've had in the past few weeks, it means no more fizzy drinks, no more caffeine, less food, and coating bran on food in the morning. And no more codeine. That's quite a stupid drug to take when you're 'Mr Blocked Up More Than A Portaloo At A Big Day Out'. Since it causes severe constipation.
So he gave me some prescription only ones that don't have that problem. He said to take just one at a time, with a paracetamol. 'There may be side effects.'
Boy am I glad I took two when in the safety of my home. Pain vanished which was good. Ability to form recognisable speech and/or brain functions did as well. If I'd be driving I'd been on par with one of those little old dears in their dead husband's V8 Valiant crying 'weeeee' as I went round a roundabout.
These are not drugs for the workplace. Well, actually they could be. But not within two hours of driving I guess.
These are not to be used with alcohol either. And for the first time in my pill popping life, I think I will heed that advice.
And as for the ladies. I used to not treat the old Pap Smear with the deference it deserved. Female friends and loved ones would tell of embarrassment and the unpleasant sensation of the metal duck bill sliding in then opening its beak. I would think 'pah, take it on the chin.' Or, in this case, the woo hoo.
But sisters, please know that I am now well and truly on board the down there examination = unpleasant for all express.
Through an interpretor he was told he needs major surgery on his back, a condition that was unable to be treated for the two years he spent in detention then subsequent deportation. A condition which deteriorated during that time. It is also highly likely he has prostate cancer according to the Doctor (which is ironic - see the above post). He is in constant pain, unable to work, and unrecognised by the good people of Serbia. Fair enough since the only claim to fame with that country he has is A) his parents once lived there and B) Australia deported him to there.
Seeing him on TV, tears streaming, begging to go home and be with family and get treatment was pretty distressing.
I think he gets booted out of the hotel room today that the Ambassador stumped for out of the kindness of his heart.
Unlike Ruddock's heart, since, as we know, he seems to lack one.
I think in this case, specifically this case, for anyone to defend Jovicic's deportation on the grounds of good common government sense would have to be seriously talking out their bot-bot. Anyone want to give it a try here? Oh - and these problems apparently started when Jovicic found out he wasn't a citizen and applied to come one. So not DIMIA cyborgs turning up to claim him. Because he contacted them to rectify the issue of his status.
Apparently a number of courts have ruled against the government of late in cases of people seeking not to be deported when they technically are not Australians, but by any common understanding are. And the government is appealing every case.
Nice to know they have the interests of faltering Australians at heart. However it is consistent with the coalition theme of 'go above and beyond to help yourself or get f_cked', unless of course you're a stay at home mum with a working hubbie, where you can have some money that is not means tested.
Oh well. Only two more years.
And on a side note Downer has scrubbed out Operation Please Don't Hang and replaced it with the nifty title Operation Well At Least Let Him Hug His Mum Goodbye.
Did anyone see the message from the Singaporean High Commissioner on this issue? Go here
Bugger it. Here it is in full.
Separating fact from fiction, despite a deep sense of human compassion
ALTHOUGH opinions are not unanimous, many Australians strongly oppose Singapore's decision not to commute the death sentence on Nguyen Tuong Van for drug trafficking. I respect these views, which spring from a deep sense of human compassion. However, the outcry has made it difficult to separate fact from fiction.
Fiction 1: "Singapore has breached international law." There is no international agreement to abolish the death penalty. Capital punishment remains part of the criminal justice systems of 76 countries, including the US, where it is practised in 38 states. We respect Australia's choice not to have capital punishment. We hope Australia will likewise respect Singapore's choice to impose the death penalty for the most serious crimes. The overwhelming majority of Singaporeans support this.
Fiction 2: "The death penalty has not deterred drug trafficking." This logic is flawed. The death penalty has not eliminated drug trafficking, but it has deterred drug trafficking. Since introducing tough anti-drug laws in the mid-1970s, drug trafficking and drug abuse in Singapore have come down significantly.
Fiction 3: "Nguyen is an unsuspecting victim." Nguyen may not be a hardened criminal, but he knew what he was doing and the penalty if caught. Had he succeeded, he would have made a lot of money. If we let off a convicted courier because of age, financial difficulties or distressed family background, it would be easier for drug traffickers to recruit more "mules" with the assurance that they would escape the death penalty.
Fiction 4: "The punishment does not fit the crime." Nguyen was caught with 396 grams of pure heroin, enough for 26,000 "hits", with a street value of more than $1 million. Yes, he was in transit through Singapore but Singapore cannot allow itself to become a hub for illicit drugs in the region.
Fiction 5: "Nguyen can testify against Mr Bigs." All drug syndicates assume some of their couriers will get caught. They never let the couriers know enough to incriminate them. The information that Nguyen provided to Singapore's authorities was of limited value, and was in fact intended to mislead and delay the investigation.
Fiction 6: "Singapore connives with drug lords." This is an old falsehood propagated by Dr Chee Soon Juan [an Opposition leader]. He has alleged the Singapore Government had invested in projects in Burma that supported the drug trade. When this first surfaced in 1996 the Singaporean Government explained its investment in the Myanmar Fund was open and above board. The Government offered to set up a commission of inquiry so that Chee could produce evidence to prove his allegations. Unfortunately, Chee never took up the offer.
Fiction 7: "Singapore has treated Australia with contempt." Singapore highly values good relations with Australia and its leaders. We share a common belief in the sanctity of the law. Singapore's cabinet deliberated at length over Nguyen's clemency petition. It considered all relevant factors and the many public and private appeals from Australian leaders. Unfortunately, finally the cabinet decided that it could not justify making an exception for Nguyen. It had to treat Nguyen consistently with similar past cases, and apply the law equally to Singaporeans and foreigners.
Singapore's leaders have taken pains to explain our decision to Australian leaders, in writing and in person. Singapore's Foreign Affairs Minister, George Yeo, had also informed Australia's Foreign Affairs Minister, Alexander Downer, confidentially in advance of when the family would be notified of the execution date, and explained to Downer that the family should be the first to learn of the date.
So when Singapore's Prime Minister, Lee Hsien Loong, met his Australian counterpart, John Howard, in Pusan, he could not inform him of the execution date either. Lee did not know the letter of notification had already by mistake been delivered to Mrs Nguyen one day early. Once Lee discovered what had happened, he promptly apologised to Howard.
Some Australians will not agree with everything I have written. But I hope they will accept that the Singaporean Government has a responsibility to protect the many lives that would otherwise be blighted and destroyed by the drug syndicates, and to prevent Singapore from becoming a conduit for illicit drugs. We are all touched by the pain and anguish of Nguyen's mother, but if we waver in our firm position against drug trafficking, many more families will be shattered.
Joseph Koh is Singapore's high commissioner in Australia.
Here's some nifty rejoinders from me. Baring in mind I am not a lawyer, but have an interest in things like people not being executed in a barbaric fashion.
RE Fiction One = So what? It's a strawman arguement. The fact the death penalty is used by other countries does not actually make it morally right.
Re Fiction Two = Guess what dickwad. You can have tough anti-drug laws that don't include the death penalty. Prove to me the specifically the death penalty is the reason for the drop. I bet you can't. Otherwise you would have mentioned that. Do you honestly believe that crims go 'hmm, death by hanging, or life in prison in a crowded shithhole. Well I can handle the second one. Lucky Singers abolished it and replaced it with that. Phew. Now to share a bucket to poo in with 50 other inmates for the next 30 years.'
Re Fiction Three = Mules make f_ck all money. No one becomes a mule to be rich. They do it because life has placed them in a precarious position and they are desperate to get out and they do a stupid f_cked in the head thing. How much did the Bali 9 allegedy get for smuggling four times as much as Nguyen? $10,000. That's f_cking nothing. Nguyen, if he had a credit history, like the rest of us whiteys with access to friends and family and a means to secure a loan, could have got that from a bank.
Re Fiction Four = Oh boo hoo. Poor Singapore and its poor widdle hubbery. It's a f_cking trading city bordering the golden f_cking triangle. What the f_ck do they expect? I don't like flies, but I live in Oz and have to wear that too. Does it mean they have to hang every Tom, Dick, and Jane that passes through a transit lounge with half a pound of China white? No it does not. Oh - and here's another point. According to Amnesty Singapore hanged a man back in May for a kilo of Cannabis. How many cones is that Mr High Commisioner? "Hippies were in danger of being toasted, nicely, nicely toasted - and eating Pop Tarts - so he had to die. If only to prevent things like the Dope Bus from Nimbin driving on the Pacific Highway."
Re Fiction 5 - Er, not according to the AFP and the 'Hugs for all' government spack head. Are you going to back that up? Er, no, it seems not. Besides, what motivation is there to cooperate when you MANDATORIALLY HANG THEM !
Re Fiction 6 - Singapore routinely supplies the Burma junta with arms and other material support. Nor does it use ASEAN or any other regional forumn to press for Democracy or a reduction in the drug trade. But then why would they press for Democracy? Singapore is effectively a one party state.
Re Fiction 7 - What the fu...? Who cares about the contempt? All many Australians are doing, save the angry old f_cks that sit at home steaming to talk radio then call up saying he should not only be hanged but drawn and quartered, are pointing out that we find Singapore's barbaric treatment of one of our own is barbaric. It's not a nation Vs nation thing. It's educated Vs dictatorship. And even if Singa's went to a more humane way of putting an animal out of its misery like a vet (lethal injection), it's still abhorent.
Dear Mr High Commissioner. You are a f_ckwit, as are the members of the Singaporean government. Well done for being a regional economic powerhouse. Let's hope that the Burmese generals who use your goods to further the repression of any form of democracy, and guarrantee themselves good opium harvests think the same way.
Buckwheat came to collect.
'El, you stole my calculator. Give it back.'
Me, overhearing part of this ask the following.
'What, has El got your calculator (Buckwheat's real name)?'
She then looks at me with her crazy f_cked up eyes, burning bright with madness beneath her f_cked up hair, and surrounded by her f_cked up dermatologically challenged leathery skin.
'So are you saying she doesn't have your calculator?'
'Yes, she doesn't'
Yes, El did. You see campers, Buckwheat made a funny. At least, in Buckwheat land where up is down, black is white, and the aboriginies who lived next to her were subhuman (her words).
I looked her in her mentally challenged face, inwardly making a sanity check which I failed, resulting in a D10 loss of sanity points and my aquiring the mental disorder of Dendrophobia, and said clearly for all to hear.
'You're insane (Buckwheat)'
Later she complained about my likening oysters to snot balls.
F_ck I hate working with this woman.
If, indeed, she is a woman.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
Here's a good line
"Any Australians who respond to terrorism by demeaning or denouncing Muslims are reacting precisely in the way that terrorists intend them to do so," he told parliament.
Now, if only 'Turners' could staple that to, say, Bronwyn Bishop's hideous features (with the side benefit of sparing her hateful mug from the small portion of us that watch Question time), that would be grouse.
Except of course he'd have to have the words written in reverse as well as normal so Bronners could read it in a mirror. Unless she could get her delightful daughter to read it for her (rwoorrr).
I wonder why then elements of the coalition (and it is just elements - not all of them) like to dog whistle about Australian Muslims = rabid islamafacists with semtex vests? You'd think they'd not want to potentially encourage extremism amongst Australian muslims after red necks yell at their female loved ones and try and pull their 'bomb concealing veils' off in the middle of the street.
Oh wait, I forgot. They have a domestic audience to sing and dance for who like that sort of thing.
Silly me. Politics ahead of doing the right thing.
Not I would never ever expect the coalition to do that of course. They are, naturally enough, above reproach.
All hail Howard. Long may he rule us.
Oh, on a side note, Alan Ramsey pointed out that it was a strong possibility that the PM's dad was a member of the New Guard. The organisation of mostly returned soldiers that was formed in the 30's as a fascist like secret army that had designs on taking government - by fair means or foul.
Now the sins of the father are exactly that. Sins of the father. And have nowt to do with the child. But it could explain why Howard is willing to sacrifice the working man and woman in his ideological fuelled efforts to kill the last vesitages of the union movement.
After-all, it's what daddy might have wanted. See Ramsey's article here. This relevant bit starts on page three I believe.
BTW Howard comes from a big family. At least one of his brothers I believe is a professor in politics and is a staunch labor supporter. Now trhat would be an interesting family Christmas.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
From today's SMH. See here
And, to the delight of delegates, Mr Beazley launched personal attacks on several ministers, describing Treasurer Peter Costello as "Australia's most arrogant bridesmaid" and Industrial Relations Minister Kevin Andrews as a "Christmas Scrooge only tighter".
Education Minister Brendan Nelson was an "animated racoon on nasty pills", Health Minister Tony Abbott a "snake oil salesman without the credibility" and Immigration Minister Amanda Vanstone was lampooned, with Mr Beazley saying she ran her department "like Colonel Klink ran Stalag 13".
Thursday, November 24, 2005
And that's when I realised. She was doing a Kubrick Nutter.
See Jack Nicholson here.
He's doing the classic Stanley Kubrick nutter expression. I saw this on a doco on the man (genius ! - hated flying - made people do a hundred takes - and what was he thinking RE Eyes Wide Shut?)
The Kubrick nutter expression, according to the doco, involves this. Simply tilt your chin downwards until it almost touches your neck. Then stare intently straight ahead as if your head was level. Try it with a smile or sneer as well.
Walla ! One nutter expression fresh off the griddle.
Don't believe me?
Well check out "Gomer" from full metal jacket. He's sitting on the can, well and truly versed in the customs of the out of their gourdites. Head lowered, eyes straight ahead. With a manic half smile thrown in for good measure.
Noice, different, unusual.
Hang on. I'm going to try it in the mirror behind me.
Creepy as all f_ck. Like one of those fat older guys who hang out in the mall near Valley Girl or some other vapid tween store where 10 year old girls like to swap tips on fellatio.
"It's hard to establish one way or another," he said.
"If we can't establish those claims there is not much more we can do.
"Probably there is not much you could do about it anyway."
Nice sentiments from our foreign minister, making sure us Ozzies are not being tortured on their way to being taken to the US, sorry, Gitmo (which is a legal quirk all by itself).
See the SMH article here
Habib was taken in Pakistan. We know this because one of our dipos reported this. He was then taken to Gitmo via Egypt. What did our government do? Nothing. Why? Because Habib was an angry muslim with some mental issues (he had AVOs against a bunch of people), that the yanks were convinced was a player in the old AQ. Therefore he did not meet the all important 'character test' to receive our diplomatic efforts on his behalf.
If Habib was such a player, why did the yanks let him go? Of course here he's still a figure of "interest". And when these lovely anti-terror laws come in ASIO won't need to sic a junior trainee to follow him around. They'll be able to monitor him from the electronic cuff they place on his leg.
F_ck me, I hope there's no one I know who gets messed with overseas and requires help from the government.
Such as Robert Jovic. See here. He's a junkie ex crim with a lengthy criminal record. He's also lived in Australia since he was two. After doing his time Ruddock sent him to live in Serbia, where his parents came from (even though Jovic was born in France). Jovic doesn't speak the language. Furthermore the Serbs have not recognised his identity and he can't get identity papers. As a result he is living on the streets near the Oz embassy.
This government does not give a shit about him. Why would they? He's someone they can cut from society because they can. Not because it was right to do. Because he has a criminal record and has a failed 'character'.
I joined Amnesty today. F_ck the government and their offensive anti-humanity platform. I'm just waiting for the day when they start staffing DIMIA with cyborgs with their emotion chips removed.
'I'M SORRY - YOUR APPLICATION WAS DENIED. AGENT R148 WILL ESCORT YOU TO THE PLANE WHERE YOU WILL BE DROPPED OFF IN ANOTHER COUNTRY AND FORCED TO FEND FOR YOURSELF. MAY I SUGGEST SEEKING ACCOMODATION IN A HOSPICE.'
Oh whoops. I mixed up my Australian's booted overseas. That's Vivian Alvarez...
Chomping into that bad boy, I take one sweet moutful when...
...'Oh, one of the cats have thrown up in the laundry.'
Interruptions to toast now 80% of the time. Almost all generated by my wife.
Suspicions growing daily.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Why did the Joker have a mo? And more importantly, why he covered it up with white face paint?
Here's the TV Joker acting in all his manic glory.
He's in fine full fettle, and obviously hatching some sort of dastardly scheme to get the caped duo.
Close up time...
Yep, there it is. His mo. Weird huh? You'd think the actor would have agreed to shave it off.
Nup. According to Cesar Romero's Wiki entry, he refused to give the old soup strainer the heave ho.
Nice one, man. I likes to have a beard too. And I refuse to meet society's conventions and shave. Why's that? Because I hate fucking shaving and I cut the fuck out of my face every time.
In fact, I had my first beard at 18. Admittedly it was a buff fluff -esqueeffort that looked like a warm reddish brown fuzz was hovering around my face like a furry slipped halo, but still, all my own efforts.
However that being said, my wife has a strict policy on length. The Ned Kelly for example is a no no due to it's pash rash properties. Too short is too spiky. So there is an optimum length or no kissy for HM.
What of you lads? Rules on facial hair for you or your beloved. When does Mr Razor make a visit, or are you of the small segment of manliness that cannot grow a fine mettle of steely beard hair?
Cue Buckwheat, who literally raced around from her corral to ours.
'I saw the BEST house this morning.'
Cue our expressions of mystification.
'Yeah, it was GREAT.'
'Um," I said. 'What the hell are you talking about?'
'I overheard talking about money. I assumed you wanted to buy a house with it. There's one near me. It looks WONDERFUL!'
'Er, no, we were talking about Michelle Leslie. She might need a house with tiny windows and big walls. Does it have that?'
'Eh, what are you talking about???'
And so on, and so on, and so f_cking on, and on,on,on,on,on etc.
I think the balance of probability is that she is in fact insane. Either that or she's self medicating with a Valium Prozac combo or something.
Do mentally unbalanced people make the workplace/studyplace fun or annoying to you guys?
I remember that when I used to catch public transport a psycho woman who would catch the same bus would routinely scream that the 'f_cking c_nt driver's making me late, he is, he is. LATE ! C_NT!'
That wasn't interesting. It was annoying. Especially as I had arthritus and I associated her shrill c_nting with the pain I was experiencing, as I also did with the flock of f_cking cockies that would go off each morning.
God I hate Buckwheat. Long may she please, as always, shut the f_ck up.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Patient in Emergency has credible excuse as to why he accidentally sat naked on a condom clad bottle
'I've seen it all. Pens, screwdrivers, the leg off an action man, every manner of bottle under the sun,' said Nurse Andrea Tucker. 'But I have never heard of anyone come in here before and actually have a believable reason for having a foreign object trapped in their rectum.'
Dropped off by a taxi, Mr Webb, clad in a raincoat, staggered into the Emergency Waiting room and, white faced with pain, rang the bell for assistance.
Placed on a gurney and wheeled into the treatment area, it was then that Mr Webb provided information on his incredible ordeal.
'There was this wasp in my house and it was buzzing around. And … and .. I was worried it sting me, cause I had not clothes on as I had just gotten out of the shower .. and … and … oh Jesus, f_ck that hurts … and the wasp it, it flew to this bottle of wine, sweet wine, that still … oh f_ck my poor ring … had a bit in it. It .. it crawled in and … and all I had was stopper it up with was this condom … oh shit no, NO … please, some pain killers? So… yeah … I rolled the condom down the neck. And .. and I was going to let it go right, outside, so I risk it … oh Jesus … I take it outside. But I know it's going to be pissed right. Cause it's trapped in a bottle. So I need something to take the condom off at a distance. So .. so … I grab the barbeque tongs to … try and peel it off when … when the dog next door barks off of a sudden. So I feel backward … and … and over onto the bottle.'
After administered a heavy dose of painkillers the attending physician applied lubricant to the bottle neck as much as he could then, with the assistance of staff to hold the panicking Mr Webb down, withdrew the bottle without breaking it, leaving the condom still wedged in Mr Webb's bottom.
It was then a very angry wasp emerged from the now free bottleneck, terrifying staff and other patients, the violent jerking of the bottle from Mr Webb's anus responsible for waking the insect.
Left: Angry wasp similiar to this, emerges from the bum bottle.
'It took a bit but we got it,' said Nurse Tucker. 'Well, we got an ambo to take it out with a fire extinguisher that is.'
Staff admitted they were amazed that Mr Webb's tale seemed to be a genuine accident involving a bottle in the bum.
'After-all, who'd be crazy enough to stick a wasp-in-a-bottle up your jacksie?' said Nurse Tucker.
'He started well,' said Sharon Arnon, his female opposite number in the speed date. 'His name was voiced firmly, as was his age of 28. He started to falter on his occupation [Systems Analyst], and after that, well, silence.'
Not quite complete silence, with Teddly making various whining noises, much like a sick puppy, as well as the occassional whimper.
'It was after I said "Systems analyst, that sound interesting, tell me more" that his brain seemed to shut down,' said Sharon. 'Like he couldn't think of a single interesting fact about his chosen profession.'
In his defence many System Analysts don't like to talk about their work said M ___ H___, svelte Sydney based Systems Analyst for a large corporation.
'Our days are spent doing mind numbing tasks, dealing with f_ckwits, managers who you don't like, and having to recitfy mistakes made by incompetents. And, because it's computer or statistical based, it is of no interest to anyone outside the immediate workplace. It's a soul destroying job and if I didn't have a massive mortgage choking the life out of me, I'd chuck it in and run an op shop or something.'
Teddly reportedly had the same problem with his seven other speed dates, each time having it falter into an uncomfortable semi-silence, punctuated only by obvious verbal and facial cues that his was not at all comfortable with the line of questioning.
The most successful males on the evening were those that deflected any lines of questioning about themselves to asking to know more about the woman opposite them.
'Chicks dig talking about themselves and especially dig guys that look like they are listening about it. Me, I just replayed the victory goal from the World Cup qualifying round in my head each time they started faffing on about the bitch in accounting that's been saying stuff behind their back to their supervisor about what they said at the Christmas party, which, anyway, was totally justified because they're a skank,' said one participant, who racked up an impressive four call backs from the women he 'talked with'.
(For all you System Analysts out there. God bless you every one.)
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Where do I begin?
These ... were ... awesome.
I can't remember them too clearly. One was a swedish (I think) group playing in a weird clay house, with young ladies dancing with ribbons while a skivvy beard dude played a variety of instruments.
Another was a titan rocket (I think it was) taking off, with the camera mounted on the outside recording the separation of stages with some techno music backing it.
There was Tusk of course, by Fleetwood Mac - and Sky playing on a airport tarmac in the middle of nowhere.
But the best of all was this film clip of Charlie Chaplain and some others chasing each other around in mini hovercrafts - all to the tune of 'the Sailor's Hornpipe'.
It may be the best f_ck off film clip I have seen in my entire life.
A brief skim across the web has revealed it is most likely by Mike Oldfield. Anyone know any different or know where I could see the clip again?
Man it was kewl.
God I love the ABC. Best f_cking TV station on God's green earth.
Typical the libs want to take it out back and shoot it.
In fact, they have a wiki reference. See here
Why then for all it's holy I keep getting interrupted when I try and make/consume it? Chores that need doing, phones that ring, conversations attempted with my toast seeking person. Is it a conspiracy? Or is it simply that because I eat so much toast by laws of probability I am bound to get interrupted now and then.
Right - that's it - I am going to create a Toast Diary. Everytime I have toast I will record whether there was an interruption or not to the toast creation/consumption.
Day 1: 'The whippersnipper won't start'.
Anyone else suffer from interrupted food? Or is that just a fatty mc fat thing?
Friday, November 18, 2005
'These … these monsters were chasing us,' said lantern-jawed Thomas Bradley, former army special forces commando now divorced dad trying to get his six year old back to his ex-wife and so they could reconcile before civilisation as they knew it ended. 'When I cut my ute through an open field where two horses happened to be going at it. Because I was busy shielding my daughter's eyes from this unfortunate adult content, I did not see the sodden patch of paddock until it was too late.'
Bogged in the soaking, muddy grass, Thomas frantically attempted to reverse the ute out of the muddy patch, all the while seeing the as-yet-to-be-determined-metal alloyed legs of the alien war-craft stalking towards them in the rear view mirror, as little Missy Bradley screamed her lungs out.
'Just as they were upon us, with one of those terrifying tentacle like legs lifted to stomp us flat, they stopped, leaving an eerie silence to descend upon us as the ute motor flooded and died,' said Thomas.
An eerie silence, save for the noise of two horses going at it hard and heavy.
Left: Two of the many death machines that invaded the world last week, intent on destroyed mankind
'I got out of the ute, Missy clutched too my chest, and watched wild eyed as the war machine stood stock still, poised above us. All the while an Appaloosa stallion next to us plugged away at a like-breed mare like it was no tomorrow.'
It seemed the alien warship was entranced by the scene of the two Equus Rootus, as was little Missy Bradley, no longer scared of the visitor's limb powered spacecraft looming over head.
'Look at the pretty ponies daddy,' said Missy, watching the horses f_ck with luminous innocent eyes. 'But what is the big splotchy horsey doing to the little splotchy horsey?'
Claiming the stallion was in fact jump-starting the splotchy horsey by pumping her engine with special daddies only juice, Thomas ran to the ute grabbing the bag he'd hastily filled back at his threadbare apartment where he'd had a small room dedicated to Missy, despite the fact she only ever stayed with him in school holidays. A bag which fortuitously had included a digital video camera, on which had been a recording of Missy singing a duet with Thomas singing 'I got you babe', made famous by 70's stars Sonny and Cher.
Left: Sonny, Cher, inspiration for a duet that resulted in a camera being available to capture images of horses f_cking.
'I had seized the camera in the first act, solely intending to show it to my former wife in the hopes it may spark in her willingness to try us again, now the killing rage is out of my system caused by my 20 years of behind the lines secret service with the government. And thanks to that impulse I was able to tape daddy horse powering mummy horse with his special "seed fuel", figuring that somehow it was this act and this act alone that had frozen the alien into submission.'
Fortuitously the General in charge of Canberra's military forces, impotently battling the alien menace, had been Thomas's CO and was willing to listen to the grizzled could-kill-a-man-in-seven-different-ways-with-a-tooth-pick retired elite soldier, when he proffered the video proof of the horses f_cking under the shadow of the paralysed disc-on-legs visitor-craft, after Sergeant Bradley had kayoed the General's aide-de-camp who had blocked Bradley's advance towards the command tent.
'I'd heard some wild theories in my time,' said the General. 'But Sergeant Bradley saved my life fourteen times over twenty minutes when we were in the Middle East. And I owed it to trust him, even though he'd been invalided out with a titanium skull and had suffered significant brain damage and subsequent alcoholism that later contributed to the break-up of his marriage. And by God, if he wasn't right.'
Thanks to sports oval viewer screens strapped to the top of generator trucks, the Australian Defence Force was able to show looped footage of Mr Big Splotchy ploughing Ms Little Splotchy to the hospital, causing the sixty or so death machines stomping Canberra into the dust to freeze in place.
'Downloading the mpeg of the horses f_cking to the internet, within half a day the remnants of the world military forces struggling against this seeming invincible menace, were able to trick the aliens into viewing the horses shagging at it hard and long, causing their unceasing march to actually cease.'
Left: The Daddy horse about to take the temperature of the Mommy horse with his rod like meat thermometer
Scientists however said they were at a loss to explain why viewing the intercourse loving equines had any effect, given that the Discovery Channel frequently included such footage, and that the alien's sensors would have surely have intercepted such a broadcast prior to their invasion.
Sergeant Thomas Bradley, and little Missy, have been hailed saviours of the human race and are expected to be showered with adulation and rewards from the surviving countries of the planet.
'They shouldn't thank me and Missy,' said Thomas. 'All the credit goes to that mighty stallion who, despite a steel like sphere mounted atop three spindly legs bearing down upon it, was randy enough to go all nasty into a mare in heat.'
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Gave that up on night two.
That I would stay on the #$&*^()%(* cabbage soup diet until I lost half my body weight.
Dropped out of that on day four
That I would stop masturbating if only God would save my friend from dying in hospital.
Lasted about a week. Which was tough - cause I had only just learned to do it. And trust me, as a guy, when you work out that X+Y= YIPPIE, you were refining your technique every chance you could get. A week turned out to be a very ... long ... time.
Any of you lads got violated vows as bad as that?
What... what's this? Where am I?
Wakey, wakey Augusto. It's me God.
Yes Augusto, me God. You're in my presence.
Heaven ! I knew I'd make it here. Praise Jesus and all his tiny angels.
Yeah, let's not get too excited Augusto. This is just the waiting room. There's actually two doors - gates if you will. Well, when I say gates, there's really only one gate. And one slip'n'slide.
That's right champ. Now let's crack open my big ledger here and see what's cookin'. Cookin' with gas. Ahahaha ... er ... yeah, that's only funny if you're on the slip'n'slide.
What's this slip'n'slide you keep mentioning my Lord Jesus?
I'm not Jesus. I'm God. Yes, I know what you're thinking. The trinity thing. Yeah, that's a mistake. We're three people ... well ... entities. And the Holy Spirit, well, he's more like a locum.
Right. Let's see how you did against the ten commandments. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, and ... er ... oh.
Yep, oh. As in Oh Dear. You see Augusto, I've been pretty clear on the murder thing right along.
I did not commit murder !
Yeah ... no ... I think you'll find that you did. About 3,000 by my count. Not to mention about ten times that imprisoned without cause, oh and tortured.
But ... that is not murder. I was the state ! The state does not practice murder. This was killing, which was justified, to preserve the good of the people from violent communism !
Uh huh. Er, where does it say in the bible I hate communism? Or that Jesus does for that matter.
Um, page 640?
Yeah, no, you're wrong. What I do hate is murder. Which you did sunshine. Doesn't matter if you were wearing a uniform at the time, mirror shades, or old Hener's was in the photo with you - actually that would probably make it worse - disapearing people, not letting their families know what happened to them, and dumping bodies in landfill or the ocean doesn't really swing it with me.
But ... but the church agreed with me !
Yeah, no, I think you'll find they didn't. They were quite clear on that. Oh, and for the record, I think you'll find the violence was from your end when your overthrew a democratically elected government. Remember that?
Oh indeedy. Well, have fun. Give my warmest regards to Lucifer. Ha ha, warmest. What? Nothing? Oh well, you'll get it soon enough.
What, no, I, aaaaa ... hhhhh ... rrrrrrr....rrr...rrr...rr...r...r...r
For more on old whacky Pinochet and his 'God approved it' concept see here
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Here's the intro
FORGIVE me if I'm not shaking in my shoes over the risk of terrorism on our shores. There is a risk, of course, but it's being greatly exaggerated. My scepticism comes after 30 years in journalism, watching such scares from close quarters.
In that time I've learnt three things: how easy it is to scare the pants off a public looking for bad news stories to spice up humdrum lives; how many interest groups stand to benefit by manipulating the public's emotions; and how much more we'd be able to do to reduce risks to life and limb if only we'd assess those risks in a more cool-headed way.
Ross points out the statistical likelihood of falling victim to jihad is rather low, say, with compared to falling victim to falling off a ladder. But what if that jihadist was running amok in a mall with a ladder !!!
It's all fair points from Ross. Except of course, we still have to factor in the unpleasant notion that there are people out there who hate enough to think it acceptable to carry out terror attacks on your person. Take me. I've been robbed seven times since I moved to our fair capital – six car break ins (they got about $0.30 in total), and my house getting robbed. And I gotta admit it's on my mind each time I drive home whether I've been robbed again.
So it's the same with terror I suppose. Sure it's a small threat. But if you know a guy who knows a guy who was at Bali, or if you consume an unfortunate level of Commercial TV or News Limited products then you'd probably get the same level of unsubstantiated fear.
It doesn't make it right though. A statesman would call for calm, restraint, and a sensible analysis of risk of attacks Vs risks to certain unalienable human rights. A populist lining his political pockets would go in with boots on, divisively, and dog whistle to a steadily less politically educated populace shrieking about the massive danger they faced. I wonder which box we can tick there?
Case in point. I work with a lovely girl named El. El is not interested in politics, nor does she have much of an understanding of history. She loves her house, she's been through a break up, she likes TV, and loves a laugh.
We were talking about Stanhope's putting the legislation online so interested parties, like the public, could actually see what the government wanted to bring in with it's over large kicker boots.
'I couldn't believe he did that,' she said angrily. 'He went ahead and made it easier for suicide bombers to blow us all up.'
El alas is representative of Australian's as a whole. Her entire political education is via the ratio of 3:1 coalition Vs others advertising. She doesn't read a paper, and the most in-depth show she'd watch would likely be ACA.
Yes I am generalising here, but I think the principles are sound. It's easier to scare people when people are ignorant and are not willing to go and find out for themselves.
Stanhope of course did not make it 'easier for suicide bombers to kill us'. All he did was make it easier for concerned patriotic Australians to see what exactly a mean spirited, divisive, reactionary, populist driven government was intending to take away from us, in order to reinforce their fridge magnet powered message that there's a jihadist in every bush, toilet, major public area, ready and armed to blow you to kingdom come.
What's the answer? God, I wish people would go and educate themselves about it for one. Do I think that's going to happen? No. No, I don't. What's the answer? I don't know.
SMH ran another opinion piece in today's paper – by Ben Saul. Titled ' New laws an exercise in overreaction'. Here's the intro.
WITH dozens of French cities ablaze in riots over recent weeks, the French Government's response has been remarkably moderate, initially imposing a 12-day state of emergency, which has now been extended to three months.
The contrast with the Australian Government's reaction to threats the country faces is profound. The anti-terrorism bill being considered by a Senate committee this week would impose extensive and invasive new restrictions for 10 years.
See the article here
Back to the fear thing. I am wracked with fear. I am not wracked with fear of being taken out by a Jihadist. And considering I work in the federal government then I would likely have a slightly higher chance of that happening (slightly – they'd more go for soft targets most like).
I am wracked with fear of one morning not turning up where I was meant to go because I got bundled into a van and taken away for interrogation.
The 20th century was replete with examples of exactly that happening – on either side of the political left/right divide. And as many are fond of pointing out, history is somewhat cyclical.
I see what is happening and I feel fear in my gut that this is leading somewhere bad, and somewhere where an egalitarian Australia, that had been on the cusp of something great and decent, was not meant to go.
Hopefully Howard is an aberration. But with the El's in the world disinterested in the process, I'm wondering if the concept of an egalitarian 'fair go' Australia is in fact the aberration. Because get an El scared enough, she'll be going back to the Daddy party time and time again.
Any thoughts? Or am I being overly paranoid?
(Apologies for the links. SMH is making people register to read stuff, or watch an ad (which you can skip))
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
'As you know, we already had our first Islamicist on the show,' gushed producer Arnold Betts. 'So we asked ourselves how can we possibly top this? That's when we hit on the OBL [Bin Laden] plan.'
Contacted via a tenuous link of couriers, Bin Laden replied to say that he was indeed perfectly happy to have a walk on, declaring Summer Bay an Islamic paradise.
'I often tell my suicide bombers that the heaven promised to martyrs is replete with virgins, living in an environment a lot like that delightful town that is home to Alf's shop, the school, the surf club, and the beach. And that they will walk in the soft sand, and feel the salt sting on their lips, arm in arm with a virgin on each side, contemplating their new life in the ethereal down under. So of course I would very much love to have a walk on.'
OBL as he is affectionately known by the Home and Away crew will appear in the background of a scene set at the surf club, where the gaunt Arabic scholar and terrorist will order a milk shake and a hamburger, as Sally is confronted by a former but brief lover dressed in a rat suit, pleading to be taken back into her arms, and earlier having prepared a Velcro mounted flap that could be taken down to allow access to his genitals by his now reunited with romantic interest.
Left: Bin Laden; excited about walk on in Surf Club
'As Sally rips open the flap I will be sipping on a vanilla milk shake and taking a bite out of my delicious burger,' said OBL, excited. 'And as she services her man with ever quickening pulls of her hand, I too shall be sated - by an excellent concoction of meat and bread from by the sea. No bacon of course !'
OBL has been told that as an extra, while he can move his lips in the manner of a conversation he cannot actually voice any words.
'I was staggered when they told me that when they film such a scene that those who do not have speaking rolls do not actually speak at all!' said Osama. 'But rather they mouth words without actually saying them aloud.'
OBL plans to silently recite verses of the Holy Quran, specifically those that refer to the permission to wage war against the infidel, the cleric having used the scriptures drafted nearly a thousand years ago as justification in promoting the use of suicide belts on women, children, and the mentally retarded to blow up innocents.
'Too often Home and Away relies on an overturned late model car, or an unexpected collapse, to provide drama at a season's end,' added OBL. 'I plan to have words with the producers to encourage them to instead look at what this season's jihad fashions offer. Such as this little slimmed down semtex model here. Just imagine seeing this bad boy on a mongoloid going into Alf's shop and KA-BOOM ! Alf would become quite the flamin' mongrel then, yes?'
Left: Alf to become flamin' thanks to Bin Laden belt
Producers said that would cheerfully listen to any suggestions their favourite fanatic might have.
'OBL has a fantastic sense of the dramatic,' said Arnold Betts. 'I mean those planes into the sky-scrapers? Wow. I asked if we could do something similar for Summer Bay, but all the higher ups would offer us was a Ford Cortina with a faulty hand brake rolling into the shed where the life savers kept their surf boats.'
Lacking my Pedro badge, since I don't actually have one, I stopped and got this bad boy from the Socialist Alliance. Right on comrades.
Left: With thanks to the Socialist Alliance
So into the hall I went. The crowd seemed 50/50 white collar and blue collar, with the blue collar lads outfitted in their fluoro vests, hard hats, and tatts. Now, I don't know why this is, but a large segment of my trade brethren seemed to be unaware of the awesome sexual power that is not having BO. Clearly they lacked the application this day. You'd think being physical types they'd want to neutralize these odours. Oh well – moving on.
Got a seat mid way to the back, in front of one of the large screens, which was subsequently blocked by a old balding pony tail man – in fact he looked identical to Dharma's dad from Dharma and Greg – save white hair. There was a show bag of goodies from the Member's credit union (I forget their name), with a Your Rights badge, some literature, and a postcard for you to fill out your contact details on. They're thinkers these guys. They know what the networking score is.
Proceedings kicked off with a young local ACT Unions dude who was passionate, articulate, and energetic. He managed to get the first of the big claps and shouts of encouragement. Then Kate Lundy (rwwwoooorrr), massive applause. Then our Jon 'Stanners' Stanhope. His speech rawked, highlighting what evils were to come, except the poor f_cker's mike kept cutting out.
'You ..ill…b… shaf…till you…re…lue…in the…ace'.
All of us were crying to have the mike fixed, but to no avail. Dagnammit. I wonder if he knew?
Basically the event consisted of getting a live feed from the Melbourne rally, ably compared by Tim Fergusson of the Doug Anthony All Stars fame. He opened with a joke.
'John Howard, Kevin Andrews, Paul Ruddock, and Amanda Vanstone all fall out of a plane … that's it ladies and gentlemen, on with the show.'
We got a face fall of the Union sponsored ads with the woman whose boss threatens her over roster changes, the dude who has to go in on nights, and others. Celebrities with their two cents included Hawky (in a suit, not Terry Towelling thank f_ck), and our own Timmy from Big Brother (rwooor again – if you swing that way – nice to see he kept his funky hair). Beazo was good (promised to repeal), and it was a nice touch to bring up the role that unions have in workplace safety (and let's face it, unions are the only ones there protecting people in many organizations – with underfunded inspectors making rare visits to sites).
Still I wish 'Shame, Shame' woman sitting next to me took it down a notch. She was so excited I thought she was going to stick to the seat.
The literature was well thought out, spelling out what we are all going to loose. The speeches were tight, the choices of people (including the wife of a slain at work worker) were excellent.
But in short it the thrust was this. This is coming in. And in 2007 we get a chance to take it out. But only if you act now (join the union) can we hope to energise (join the union), come together (join the union), and defeat this cruel mockery of a legislation (workers of the world unite).
And frankly, it's a good idea. Union membership is an added expense it's true. And in this past period of industrial peace and harmonious workplace agreements it seemed that only f_cked in the head types that make trouble needed the union's help in an obvious way – forgetting the union's role in the negotiating on their behalf. And I was one of them. Hell, I joined because it looked like I had to go to court as a witness for one colleague suing another. But after that died down I figured I'd stay in cause the CPSU went into bat for me every employee agreement, and it was the least I could do. Besides, I could afford it and claim it against my tax (yeah, and for how long will that last?)
I enjoy my CPSU comms stuff – newsletter, emails, occasional call. And I've become more understanding of what it is we will face when the laws come in, and the role unions play. So yeah, if you can, join a Union lads.
Together, united, we can take back the parliament and restore what has been lost. At least, that seems to be the plan. I guess Labor is not counting on a floor crossing from Barners or any other disaffected coalition member. Probably because Heffo would get Tuckey to slam anyone who did's tits or nuts in the door.
By the way, Howard evaded again. According to News.com Howard said federal departments were advised that employees could take leave to attend today's rally. Yeah, at 4 pm yesterday via circuitous means after globally telling us we could not, and threatened us with repercussions if we did so.
Here's the relevant snippet from the article.
Media reports today said federal department workers had been directed not to take part in the demonstrations.
But Mr Howard said: "There has been no direction issued."
"People in my view are entitled to take part in a commonsense way."
God he's a lying sack of shit. If there was a lying sack of shit convention, where the biggest most full of shit award was given, we'd be singing 'Here he comes, Miss Sack-of-Shit' as he swayed down the aisle complete with his 'Miss Sack of Shit 1972-2005' sash and tiara, as he promised that he would stay true to the creed of 'Miss Sack of Shit' and lie his f_cking arse off about what his cruel government was up to.
Bevester, sometime visitor to here, was there with his wife and kids. They had a sign. I didn't get to see it there, but they kindly sent me a photo of when they were making it. They said they got some laughs and a few honks as they had it unfurled on the walk back to the car.
So I tell my boss that I plan to come in late and I am taking it on flex.
About lunchtime a 'from on high' email message comes around.
'Employees are not to take any form of official leave to attend industrial action. Not only will employees take unforced leave if they attend, management will consider appropriate actions regarding insubordination.'
I'm paraphrasing here, but that was the intent. Just prior to this the union had emailed members in my org to say A) this was coming, and B) my department was utterly and completely wrong and had completely misinterpreted Dept of Workplace Relations advice that this event was in fact NOT industrial action.
So my boss came around to tell me about the Department ruling on attendance. Naturally I bristled.
'What exactly has the Department based this on? Because according to DEWR this is not industrial action, and therefore the Department's ruling is incorrect and I can in fact use whatever damn leave I want too.'
I got so steamed I contacted the HR section myself. They admitted the union had been in contact and 'negotiations' were underway.
At 4 pm they quietly rescinded the fascistic advice about counselling and unpaid leave. Not a global email to all staff of course. No, that would take too long to set up apparently. Best to tell the HR people so they could spread the word. And did they? They did not. I had to call up and get a copy of this HR Director's email sent to me personally so I could advise my boss.
So, end result. Global email to staff threatening their livelihood at lunchtime. Subtle email to HR directors to distribute as they felt fit at near close of business to say my Department was utterly wrong.
I am not a schmuck. I know what is happening here. The seniors in my Department know that making it difficult for public servants to support their not as protected cousins in private industry will look good to their Coalition masters. Frankly it makes me f_cking sick that they went as low as this. I am completely steamed about it. Repeated emails from me and others and the union to the HR area about asking them to provide members ASAP with the correct advice did nothing it seems to encourage them to avoid the go f_cking slow on that.
So campers. I will be present at the day of action with my 'Vote For Pedro' badge, displaying my outrage at yet another Pulp Fiction esq shafting by some pawnshop owning Hillbillies in the form of the coalition.
Left: Harrangueman gets his badge all purty and shiny for tomorrow's chanting and outraging.
I just pray to my secular gawd with all my might that Howard is wrong that 'Australian's will wonder what all the fuss is about in a year's time and not care', and instead that are galvanized in their reaction to unfettered power management now has to hire / fire / pay-workers-whatever-the-f_ck-they-want, and that voters kick Howard clear across the Pacific, to land in the deep, deep ocean, where his only company are giant squid and those freaky creatures that don't need oxygen to live and hang around in 800 degree centigrade sulpherous water that boils atop of volcanic vents.
See with Harrangueman, not only do you get lefty outrage, but some fancy book learning too.
Of course, thanks to these new sedition laws, HM's ability to say such fine words of hope in the future may be soon retarded given their option to lock me in a deep hole with a large gentleman known simply as Bubba Joe.
Let's hope it doesn't come to that.
In the words of Kimmy, 'we're coming for you mate'.
Update on the Canberra event to follow on the morrow.