Tuesday, December 27, 2005

RIP KP

Ah, yes, welcome, welcome. Let me look you up ... here we are, Kerry Packer yes? We've been expecting you. Hmm, quite a few times actually.









Oh yeah, when was then then mate?








Well, let's see (flip, flip, flip). October 7, 1990. You were playing polo I believe and suffered a massive heart attack.









Sure did Petey. Fuck me it hurt. Lucky one of them ambos with a de-fib. Resurrected me right there on the field it did. I gave five mil to the NSW ambos so they could stick 'em in all of 'em. Seemed only right.







Indeed. Let's see. We were next expecting you on October 23 the same year when you got your bypass but you pulled through. Ah, September 13, 1995. Another heart attack at the Hakoah club.









Yep. Prawn cocktail went down the wrong way mate. Got a pound on the back and spat it out, but it triggered me heart again. Fucking useless thing.





Not that useless. You pulled through again. Then of course there is the matter of that Kidney in 2000. If you hadn't have got that transplant you would have been here five years ago.









Good old Rossy. Talk about takin' one for the team. He's a good bloke. He'll be looked after.






Well, he's certainly going to get a few points on the good side of the scale that's for sure Kerry. And here you are finally. December 26, 2005. Well I suppose 15 years late is better than not arriving at all.









Not for lack of trying mate, that's for sure.






Yes, well, fair enough. Now Kerry. It seems your balance is a little on the bad side. You know, rich man, eye of needle, camel and so forth. Plus you embraced a number of vices in your time, chief of which was gambling.






So?








Well as it stands you're 12 points under and it looks like it's hell for you my friend. I wish it were the other way, but well, it's not I'm afraid. You are satan bound, due to spend eternity in an embrace of his firey bossom.







Oh yeah, I'll flip ya for it. Double or nuthin.








I'm afraid you're much mistaken Kerry. There is no "flipping for it" in heaven.








Ok, thought you might go the bgark option ya poof. I'll give you 5/2 odds.









(confused) 5/2?












If I win, I gets the 12 I needs for heaven. If you win you gets 30 points. 5/2. Bargain.







(still confused) but ... you don't have any points?










I reckon I saved a few lives with those de-fibs mate. That's gotta be worth a potential 30 points for you.







(even more confused) er, yes, um, ok that's fair enough then I suppose. Then "Flip" away.









Great. Got a spirit copy of me lucky $2 coin here mate. I choose heads...







See ya Kezzer. You made public life richer for your presence.

6 comments:

  1. For those of you limited non ozzers that on occassion visit here, Packer was our richest person here in Oz, controlling a hefty media empire. He was a hard man in business, known for an irrascable temper and sometimes great generosity.

    Here's his stats.

    go here

    He was a famous punter and a sneaky one at that, his company ending up owning two of Oz's biggest casinos. So even when he lost big there, the money came filtering back.

    The tales of his gambling are mostly legend. But the best unconfirmed one can be found here. Keyword is "Texan"...

    texan follies

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  2. loved the banter! could hear the ocker: BBC bogan.

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  3. It's going to be very very interesting to see what happens to his media empire now? Trust James? Ha!

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  4. Snortles. Funniest obituary yet and probably on the money.

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  5. It's a tad creepy when hundreds of thousands of poor people dying on boxing day gets blanket coverage, and the same happens next year when a single rich person does.

    The obituary column is that-away, editors.

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  6. LOL - even Crikey came out with a special 'Kezzer's Dead, long live Kezzer(j)'

    Is there going to be a relief fund for this too?

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